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Annabel Lee Sep 2013
I love him
I have loved him since the first time I saw him
And somehow knew him despite myself

His awkward silence and surprising satirical comments
His loping long legged gait
And the sadness so rooted in his bones
That I think I would like to just hold him


To sap it all away
Leaving only his gangly thin ***** limbs
That I could find a home in
His dark eyes too

With the intelligence within so evident
That sit under even darker eyebrows
To compliment his raven locks
Which I want to run a hand through

As he sighs into me
Comfort flowing through my finger tips
And through his skull
To seek out the sorrow that lurks

I want to pull him out of the life he is making too short
And into a word so full of color
Of sound
And of beauty

That he could never imagine life as it was before
Being called life again

I want to wash away his haunted gaze
That leaves my skin feeling so oppressive
I can’t even imagine being stuck in his mind

Tormented, by past and present
In a warring cocktail of bad memories
And self-imposed solitude

He is the lonely dark shadow to my side
That I long so desperately to pull into the light
Knowing too well I don’t have the brightness within to fill him

I am darker that he
I will be gone all too soon
In a flush of crimson

Not even getting to ask him
Please don’t blame yourself

And forgive me
Annabel Lee Sep 2013
Your voice holds my name like a prayer and a curse at once
Which is funny
Since I've always seen you as the angel
That sent me to hell

Look at me
I don’t meet your eyes
I can’t do anything but sit here
And force each breath in and out of my lungs, unwillingly
Prolonging my survival
Fatigue slips in past my curtain of hair
Urging my heart to cease
So I can finally rest

Talk to me
If only
A voice sighs into me
If only it was as simple as that
You want me to tell you what I’m thinking
I’m thinking that I don’t want to break you
To scar you up into my own mirror

Your voice is pained, and I know I’m already doing it
I’m poison
And I am killing you, so please stop
Your hands are on me
I am rag doll limp in your grasp
Unable to motivate my brain enough to motivate my limbs

So you take charge
Pulling my head up and my hair from my face
I can’t hide my half dead eyes
Still red with unshed tears
And I hate myself for the pain
That paints itself across your face

You plead again
But your voice is like those commercials for third world children
Pathetic, but ineffectual
As the viewers are only watching remotely

The distance between us is an eternity

You look like you’re about to cry

I wish I was never born
Annabel Lee Sep 2013
an Ode to Eppie

I once had what I thought was a brilliant idea
My friends listened dutifully without the eye roll the less loyal would have thrown in
Before announcing that I am not allowed to name any children I end up having
So I sure as **** better find a husband with an idea of what a name is

I wanted a daughter named Epic
Because I couldn’t imagine a bigger adventure than parenting
And there was no way I was dealing with the torture of pregnancy
To produce a child that was anything less than epic
I wanted a daughter with the world laid out for her
There would be no painful heart wrenching breakups for her
No gangly awkward phase
She would be the physical representation of the bond her father and I shared
She would be love incarnated
And I can’t imagine anything more epic than that
I wanted a daughter named Epic
Nicknamed Eppie
Bambi told me that nickname was even worse than hers
And I named her after a cartoon deer with a dead mother
I guess they might have a point in this who name thing

I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Because if I am ever (crazy) lucky enough to bring a girl into this world
With my genes and the cruel ways of boys stacked against her
I will sure as hell had some major epiphany
If I am ever (stupid) blessed enough to have a daughter
I want every moment with her to be a grand realization of my life
This is who I am
This moment is what I was made for
Whether it’s picking her up after a scraped knee
Advising her that Alphie only hit her because he likes her
Or telling her that no, leggings are not pants
She would be the reason I went through all of this
The reason I got my heart broken by the world over and over again
So that it could complete me
I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Nicknamed Eppie
“Like an EpiPen?” Fluffy (Patrick before I went about nicknaming) questioned
“No, not like an Epinephrine auto injector at all.”
Maybe naming isn't my forte

I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Because a name is more than a word
A name is a decision
I would make it clear that she was loved
She would be the embodiment of every hope dream and wish I ever had
Just by breathing each day
I wanted my whole life to be leading up to the day I met her
If I was ever going to give a new life
She would be everything
The epitome of my entire life
I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Nicknamed Eppie
Laci (aka Frida) whose nickname could be interchangable with that of a stripper
And decided that 'Emily' would be just fine for any daughter of mine
Annabel Lee Jul 2013
When I was two and we ran out of hand soap in the bathroom
My sister poured in some water
And it was like magic
Suddenly there was more soap just like that
My mom got annoyed and replaced the watered down soap the next day
But I couldn’t understand why
My sister had just done something so wonderfully amazing
From something as mundane as water
She had brought forth twice the amount of soap

When I was seven that was my philosophy to a t
When we ran low on soap, I added more water and shook the bottle
Magic at my finger tips
I’m not seven anymore, but I kept that philosophy
Kept adding water to my soap
But I don’t have a mother to come replace all the watered down soap in my life anymore
And I just keep pouring in more water
It’s stopped working
I must have killed the magic somehow, because all I have left now
Is water
Annabel Lee Jul 2013
Running and Hiding
We spent the night in the darkened playground
The silent burial ground of our childhood recollections
Filled with happy ghosts of the past
We played hide and seek with our memories
As we ran from the ticking hour
Trying to escape time

We spent the night
All running from something
All hiding from our own demons
Trying so hard to disappear from the pain chasing us
We almost forget the others
Running just as fast beside us
From their own personal hell as well

Hiding our faces in the dizziness
Induced by the dreaded tire swing
And running headlong into challenges
Of balance and strength
Of anything less personal than the conversation
That follows, “hey, you ok?”
Just to forget for a bit

Then lying in the darkness and smiling
Laughing, talking about anything but the truth
Hoping maybe it won’t find us here
But time doesn’t stand still
And the sheltering blackness of the night
Shatters under the weight of the oppressive curfews

Into the car
Into the fear
Return to the place you hid from
Return from the running
And wait for dawn
So you can run again
Annabel Lee Dec 2012
You like bubbles in me
Like all the smiles I’ve been missing
To thaw my frozen hands in yours
Everywhere and in every moment
With you
God, how I missed you
Annabel Lee Dec 2012
I know being with you will break me
But you will break me so beautifully
Smash me into a million tiny sparkling pieces
And scatter them like diamonds on wind
I know your love will shatter me
If I ever decide to let you get that close
But I know being with you
Would be wondrously beautiful
Even as it tears at my soul
It would make the loveliest collage
Of my shredded heart
Being with you would be like being the stars
Every pieces of me separate
And spread too far apart
But glowing
You make me want to be beautifully broken
So that I can glow in your arms
And fill in the gaps in your smile
With my shining fragments
So go ahead
Explode my world
Into a thousand glittering colours of love
And leave me with them when you’re gone
I’ll be beautifully broken for you
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