My descent into darkness
Slow unwilling
But slipping down all the same
Letting go piece by piece
Of the light, the warmth, the laughter
Letting it drain out of me
In fiery red droplets
Slowly until it’s all gone
Empty my soul and my heart
Hollowing out my inside
Until I’m nothing but a shell
Brimming with terribly empty tears
Wishing desperately I did not love you anymore

In
.
.
.
Out
Ignore the pain
It will go away with time
Just focus now, before it’s too late
In
.
.
.
Out
Don’t think about him
And it won’t hurt
Breathing won't hurt, with time
Just don’t think
In
.
.
.
Out
Steady, like the wind
Like the rain
Forever pounding away
Wearing down what was once solid stone
In
.
.
.
Out
Give it time
Eventually it will come easy
Easy as…
Well easy
In
.
.
.
Out
If you’re still breathing
You’re not dying
In
.
.
.
Out
Stop thinking about leaving just
In
.
.
.
Out
Listen to the silence
Forget how much you wish it was filled with a voice
A certain voice
In
.
.
.
Out

She’ll take it all and smile
Pretending she’s not hurt
Thanking god that at least she’s wanted
She knows his kisses don’t mean much
But still, she’ll take what she can get
Because even when it hurts it’s better than being alone
He says ‘I love you’
But means ‘you’ll do’
And still it’s enough for her
As long as she’s wanted
Even when he forgets every anniversary
And her birthday too
Even thought they fight every night
She’ll stay
As long as she’s wanted
She’s cries and he just watches
She’s constantly in pain
But he’s blind to it all
Still, she’ll take it all and smile
As long as she’s wanted

Slowly
Things like this take time
So unhurriedly
I pick up the shattered mess
With a little help
A smile here
Or a friendly nod there
Some a little too willing
Too eager to help
Trying to rush the process
To put it all back together right away
But things like this take time
So slowly
Without any rush
I began to fit them together
Like a puzzle
Not yet
But eventually
I know, I will have it once again
Whole and ready
For the next dashing fellow who comes along
But until then
Slowly
Things like this take time

I love
Empty rooms
Because empty rooms mean no locked doors
They mean no hidden screaming matches
No unquenchable tears, from those you never thought would cry
They mean no sister doing stupid things
Or stupid people
That will only hurt her later
No sister you wish you could protect, like she’s protected you
No sister you wish you could save from heart break
Or impart to all the wisdom she’s taught you
They mean no sister who will spew the venomous words
That hurt more than any blow
They mean no whispered voices
Validating all of your biggest insecurities
No hushed secrets denied to you
No closed doors, locked or otherwise
Or even slightly ajar doors—that are really closed to you
Even a door closed on an empty room is an open one
Empty rooms mean space
They are a place to breathe when everywhere else suffocates you
They are a place to run to when staying hurts
Empty rooms are a solace you weren’t sure you’d ever find
A break from cold reality
And a pause from the crushing weight of the world that constantly pounds against you
Empty rooms don’t make you cry
Or think of what it would be like to finally die
Empty rooms are peace unlike anywhere else
Yet empty rooms leave a bitter after taste of longing
Because for all of the gloriousness of blessed empty rooms
They are still lacking and they leave you hollow as ever
With no one to fill the void
Still I love empty rooms
Because hollowness doesn’t stab through your heart with sharp fiery pain
Preferring to remain a subtle manageable ache

Today,
(as I held myself together
Tight, so that less of the wind would chill my bones,
Having a gaping hole in your chest can get quite chilly you know)
You smiled at me
(as we walked through the halls
So close together our hands nearly touching
Your warmth reaching out and embracing my right side)
And I smiled back
(as the tears threatened to spill over
As I tried not to fall apart then and there
Where everyone could see the shattered pieces of my heart
Spilt across the hallway)
But I guess it didn’t reach my eyes
(which kept their frown
And betrayed me as they stung with tears
Unable to see beauty in the world
When all my heart could feel was pain)
So you hugged me
(tight and close
Wrapping about me like the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookie from my childhood
Warm, deep, and wonderfully sweet)
I leaned into you
(as you held me together
Tight, so that none of the wind would chill my bones
And closed some of the gaping hole)
We stood there
(as the hallway traffic flowed about us
And I began to resurface, no longer quite gone
I floated somewhere between living and dead
With you tethering me there)
You spoke
(your voice not carrying far
Only just barely reaching my ears
But filling me with a breath of life)
Your words were so comforting
(I’m here for you A,
You’re not alone, don’t forget that
With the sweetest sincerity)
I listened
(feeling as though my entire life depended on it
And I grasped the words close
Burying them deep in my shattered heart
Before they could escape to be dashed upon the rocks of reality
Instead I kept them where maybe they had a chance to take root)
And I cried
(all the tears I had never let out
All the tears I had tried so hard to hide
From you, from him, from everyone
So that I could stay strong and whole)
You only held me tighter
(whispering ‘he doesn’t know what he’s lost
He never deserved me if he was only going to make me cry
And I clung to you with a drowning man’s strength
Hoping I wouldn’t drown in this sudden onslaught of tears
But knowing you would be there to save me)
You didn't walk away
(but stayed there
as I never thought anyone would
my rock against the brutal storm of reality
making sure I knew that I wasn't alone
that I was loved)
I smiled through the tears**
(thank you)