Explaining things to Matt
Is like rain
A fresh start
A chance to grown and to renew
To do it right
As the heavy floods sink into the soil
Into the roots
That shoot out beautiful blooms
Pouring over me and washing away the scars
And the doubts written on my skin
Stealing the staining ink away
Refreshing raindrops
Carry away the insecurities
So unlike the tear drops that write them
It’s like springtime
With my skin clear of the dark pen for once
The world is alive with color again
After the longest coldest darkest wait
But it’s like winter too
The first snow fall
That blankets everything with a clean white fresh start
It’s like laughing
A feeling that just bubbles forth and pulls you about in its wake
Refusing to let you stop smiling
It’s like a breath
After drowning for the longest time
In all my sorrows
It’s like singing
When you forgot you had any voice at all
Being heard
When everyone forgot they had ears
Explaining things to Matt
Isn’t joy
It’s beautiful blessed relief

Do you reside here too?
Amidst the dancing flames that lick your soles
But leave your soul cold?
In the thick of the desperate wails and tortured cries
Where no one lives, but everyone dies?
Between the tired used up husks of those who once were
And the fresh bleeding harrowed condemned?
Where the sharp silver hurts, even as it heals?
Where ice burns just as hot as fire?
Among the tears of the broken and the ******
Of the beggars and refuse?
In the darkness deeper than any night?
Surrounded by pain and suffering so sharp it stabs
Into you until you can’t feel anymore?
Could you possibly live here too?
No, angels don’t stroll through hell

the words linger in the air
choking and thickening it
like heavy mist in the grass
cooling and coating everything
with glittering diamond droplets
like tears
that lay heavy in my eyes
and burn a path down my face

worry laden gaze
meets mine
hitting where it hurts
and stabbing straight through
leaving me to bleed out

say something
your desperation shows
but i can't breathe
can't get enough breath to force out even a syllable
air weighs heavy in my lungs
suffocating
and i ache to run
but my feet have turned to lead
too heavy to lift
anything
you beg

the words i want to say
have to say
need to say
stop, caught in my throat
it hurts to force them out
with a heavy tongue
past clenched teeth

no you don't
and walk away from the burden
knowing it's too heavy for me to ever lift
you don't
but i do,
love you, that is

It's customary, I've been told,
When you split, to divide all that you had
Between you
And now that we’ve parted
There’s so much left to decide
Between the two of us

So I’ll take the scowl
It doesn’t look good on your face
You take the light in my eyes
It suits you much better
I’ll take those tears
They glisten so becomingly on my face
You take my wistfulness
You’re much too grounded now
I’ll take that bitter laugh
It’s much too sour, and you, far too sweet
You keep my hope
It brings out the light in the eyes, you know
I'll take the ice in your soul
You'll be so much warmer without it
and here
You keep my heart
It's been yours from the start

I’ll keep the memories
I’ll bear the burden of two
You keep the smiles
And the laughter, please do
While I drown
In the sorrowful longing for what has past
While I pine and whine and live in the last
Please smile, please do
Bear the burden of two

When you laugh, laugh deeply
And when you smile, smile wholly
As long as you’re warm
I’ll accept the cold
If you look ahead
I’ll keep the past
I'll remember
And you'll smile
Please do

We met
in a parting sort of way, we met
it was a sunny day
with a cloudless sky
that day that we met

it was a funny day too
I had a funny feeling
maybe it was destiny
maybe she was calling my name
or maybe she was joking around
when we met
in that parting sort of way

we talked for a while
less than an hour
more than a minute
it was light
with laughter
it was a parting sort of conversation
that one where we talked

I asked if you knew the time
you asked if I had somewhere to be
I said probably
but I wasn’t informed where
you laughed
I thought it was strange
in a parting sort of way

and when we parted
there was a good bye
and a have a nice day
in that parting way

but I forgot something
you see
did I mention I love you?

I want to catch your eye
I want to light up the room
I want to be the one you glance at
whenever you can
I want to be the girl you walk down the halls with
even though your class is at the opposite end of the school
I want to be the one who drinks coffee with you
at 1 am
just because we can
I want to be the one you explain the basketball games to
I want to hold your hand
as we walk through the freezing cold night
or maybe run
because we’re late
always late
I want to study with you
even though neither of us needs to
but just because its an excuse to hang out
any excuse will do
I want so much from you
so much I can't even put into words
its all just colorful swirls of longing
But mostly,
I want to say hi
and get a hi back

I’ve been working on being ok
Because I could love you
But not like this
Not in a broken way
That isn’t right
You deserve more
And so for you,
I’ve been working on being ok
I’ve been trying to be ok
Because you don’t need another mess on your life
For you I’m going to get it together
For you I’m going to fight the urge to run
Instead I’ll tread water and happily wait for you
To realize I’m finally ok