I think the reason I have trouble sleeping
Is because every second of eyes slipped shut
Of my mind closed off
Is another second that I lose of today
Another moment I could share with you.

I have too many dreams
So many aspirations that even thinking about them makes me tired
Weighed down by the possibility of success

And I wait
And hope someday I’ll feel strong enough to begin
But I think this rest period
Has only made me more tired

I want to fall into love
I want to make my own family
Little smiles for me
I want to be a writer
I want to finish school
Be successful
I want to paint.
I want to see the world.
And so many other moments I can see inside my head

But I wait for the moment I get whisked over the rainbow
When in all reality
I could fly away if I was brave enough

The cursor blinks at me,
A white screen
Staring
Waiting for my emotions to fill it
To the brim
Overflowing with emotion

And I’m not sure I am ready to let that out of my heart
It has become too much a part of me
And I’m afraid if I let it go
If I let one tear fall
One drop brushed away

I’ll lose it all
Every experience
Every moment

And I can’t bear to lose you
Not yet
Which is why I have to stop typing this poem
Now

And my insides are screaming for the release
And I don’t know if I can even stop typing
And I don’t know what my life will be without this
If I could freeze everything
I would
Without hesitation
If I could give up my future
To just spend forever in today
I would

But weeks will pass
And soon we will all be gone our separate ways
And I can’t let you go.
Not yet.

And I’m so afraid I will let it out
And as soon as I let go of the pain
This moment will be gone
And only an echo of laughter will remain
Until I again am complacent
And content
And even though I know in that moment I’ll truly believe it is all for the best
I can’t imagine anything more tragic
Then the moment I let myself forget what happiness has felt like.
Which is why I will never write the poem
Screaming to escape.

My world is only clutter
Shelves of long forgotten memories
Crammed into binders of tear stained diaries
That don’t even matter
And rhythms and tunes playing
Over and over
Until it is only chaos, cacophony
Images
Quotes
The involuntary glancing around
Checking on my subscriptions
And I forget what matters

And I am trapped in a world without meaning
And Even as I sit here
Complaining
Pounding my fists on the invisible walls around me
Screaming

Any second
Any hint or vibration
Could rip me away
Until I stop caring even enough to

I really want to write a poem about you right now
But the problem is, I respect you
And I know you don't like that sort of thing
And I don't want to embarrass you by putting poems about you on the internet
Especially because I know your emotions are not there.
And that's okay.

So
Here is a poem about you
That isn't at all about you
But
If you were wondering
The emotions are definitely there for me.
And they are strong enough to write a hundred love poems

And I'm sorry if any of this ever makes you feel awkward
It's really not my intention
I'm trying hard not to let you know how bad this is for me.

Suddenly
I am not afraid of the future
A warm smile
From an unseen force
But I can still feel it

And I know everything will be okay

More then okay

Life is truly beautiful
And I wish I could share what I feel at this moment
With everyone in the entire world

And the best part is,
I am not alone
I never was.

So busy looking for love
I missed that which was already in my life
Staring right at me

But now my eyes are opened
and this is exquisite

I am so sick of being that girl
The one who sits awkwardly
Tries not to show too much on my face
But here I am
I watch all around as people
Stare
Judge each other
And it isn’t even me that I am tearing the roots out of my faith in humanity over

I watch
And I listen
And all I perceive is laughter
“Oh my gosh that was totes hilarious”
No.
It wasn’t.
Those people you laugh at…
People of Wal-Mart
That crazy chick
The person at the end of all of your jokes
Harmless as they seem
Those people are people too
They have people who love them
Loved ones losing them to the horrors of the person that you force them to see in the mirror each day
Each breath
Rigid and Choked
Trying to be the person on the inside
“Only inner beauty matters…”

Then why won’t you let them be more than
The punch line.

I know
It’s harmless
Everyone laughs
It’s funny

And everybody laughing
And joking
And smiling
As they look past your soul
Just searching for a witty response
Instead of a human being

It isn’t harmless.


If I fall
And I can’t even breathe
I can’t even tell who I am
And no one is around to hear my cries for help
No one hears…

Do I still exist?

People stop wanting to exist when they feel like their life doesn’t exist.
I’ve been there before

So

Just stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Just stop.
Think for a second.

What if that was you?
What if it was your best friend?
Your everything?
And their existence is laughed off.

Until it shrivels and dies.
No more growth.
Not ever.

We are walking uphill through a snowstorm of meaningless arrows
Poison soaking the tips
And I can’t fight them forever.
So please.
Somebody help.

And even though you may finally hear my cries
And cry with me
You keep on shooting
Not even thinking
Because it is only natural now.

Please.
Think.
Stop.
Think.
Let me go.
Let everyone try to figure out who they are
What they want to be
Without pushing waves of stereotypes
And laughing at their dreams
Scoffing their entire existence away