I wish I didn't miss you. I feel like I'm missing limbs without you here

I miss the time we went to the airport just to watch the planes fly away. I loved it because it was near midnight and everything just felt magical. You kissed me whenever a plane took off and told me you’d stop having feelings for me when planes stopped flying. I guess planes stopped flying. I miss you.

I had two of my favorite necklaces on one of the nights you randomly texted me wanting to drop by and say hey because you were “near my neighborhood” even though I knew you were coming from the other side of town. You came by and said you liked my necklaces. We’ve been broken up for a month and 10 days and I haven’t come close to touching those necklaces

I saw you yesterday.
We hugged.
I wish we hadn't.

IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS SINCE WE'VE BROKEN UP AND I TEXTED YOU TONIGHT AND ASKED YOU IF YOU WANTED ALL OF YOUR STUFF BACK AND YOU SAID YES AND THAT'D YOU'D GET IT LATER BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME GET IT LATER I WANT TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR STUFF SO I CAN HAVE YOUR SMELL FOR FOREVER

what's sad if I don't even remember
what your voice sounds like

MY DEMONS LOOK LIKE YOU
SOMETIMES AND I HOPE THAT
KNOWING THAT MAKES YOU
GET GOOSEBUMPS WHEN
YOU'RE IN HER BED

I'LL NEVER GET OVER YOU NO MATTER WHO I'M DATING OR MARRIED TO BECAUSE YOU ARE (WERE) HOME AND THE DAY YOU LEFT IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE HAD TORCHED MY HOUSE AND DESTROYED ALL MY BELONGINGS BUT A LITTLE PIECE OF OF YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BURNING INSIDE OF ME AND I LIKE TO THINK I'LL ALWAYS BE BURNING SOMEWHERE INSIDE OF YOU TOO

I hung the bag your present
is in on my closet door
I think it's going to
be hanging for forever

LOSING YOU HAS BEEN THE MOST NUMBING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE IT'S BEEN PAINFUL BUT IT'S THE MOST COMFORTABLE PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN BROUGHT UPON. IN THE PROCESS OF LOSING YOU I'VE LEARNED THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENT TYPES OF NUBMNESS. THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU FEEL WHEN THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES YOU MEDICATION AND YOUR BODY DOESN'T REACT THE RIGHT WAY AND THEN THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF OF NOVACANE. BUT THE TYPE OF NUMBNESS YOU'VE CAUSED ME TO FEEL IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NUMBNESS A PERSON CAN FEEL BECAUSE I FEEL FREE AND NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE I REALIZED IT DOESN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT FROM WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY IN MY LIFE SO CAN A PERSON REALLY LOSE SOMEONE THEY FEEL THEY NEVER REALLY HAD TO BEGIN WITH?

nothing can ever compare to the chills
that used to run down my spine when
I heard you speak

YOU HAD EYELASHES SO BEAUTIFUL IT
FELT LIKE A PUNCH IN THE GUT EVERY
TIME YOU'D GLANCE AT ME AND YOU
HAD LIPS ANGELINA JOLIE WOULD BE
JEALOUS OF WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME
HERE IN THE COLD TO SHAKE HYSTERICALLY
AND SHIVER LIKE IT'S WINTER IN ALASKA
IT'S ******* ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR
DEGREES OUTSIDE IN JULY FOR
***** SAKE JUST COME HOME
COME HOME COME HOME

you were in all my dreams last night and I woke up crying

I WISH I COULD HEAR YOU CHUCKLE AND SAY MY NAME AT THE SAME TIME BUT ALL I HEAR ARE VOICEMAILS FROM TWO MONTHS AGO SAYING YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. WELL WHERE THE **** ARE YOU NOW BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I HEARD YOU WEREN'T BEING SENT DEATH THREATS

I KEEP GETTING DIZZY RANDOMLY AND I THINK IT'S TO REMIND MYSELF NOT TO FALL BECAUSE I KNOW IF I DO YOU WON'T BE HERE TO PICK ME UP LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE

I SCREENSHOTTED EVERY SWEET TEXT YOU EVER SENT ME AND DOWNLOADED THEM TO MY LAPTOP THEY'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT OF YOU BUT ARE THEY REALLY YOU SINCE YOU CLEARLY LIED WHEN YOU SAID YOU MISSED ME BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE YOU MAKE AN EFFORT TO PATCH THINGS UP BUT ALL YOU DID WAS LEAVE SILENTLY WITHOUT SAYING A WORD SO I SUPPOSE I ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING LEFT OF YOU BUT EMPTY WORDS

the color of your eyes still haunts me

AT THIS POINT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU WERE IN MY LIFE FOR FOUR GREAT MONTHS OR TO HATE YOU FOR LEAVING AFTER BEING IN MY LIFE FOR FOUR GREAT MONTHS

FOR SOME REASON THE MORNING AFTER WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME THREE FRECKLES APPEARED ON MY LEFT ARM IN THREE DIFFERENT SHADES OF BROWN ALL IN A ROW IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ATTEMPTED TO SCRAPE THOSE FRECKLES OFF OF MY ARM NOW THAT YOU'RE ******* GONE

I CAN'T BREATHE BECAUSE OF YOU
YOU TOOK MY BREATH AWAY AND
EVER SINCE THEN I'VE BEEN
HYPERVENTILATING I JUST WANT
YOU AND MY AIR BACK WHY
CAN'T I HAVE YOU AND MY AIR
BOTH BACK AND YOU HELP ME
BREATHE AGAIN

I never thought I'd have to live without you but here I am

WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ROARING CONNECTION AND
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE **** THAT WENT
BECAUSE YOU LEFT AND I HAVE NO
RECOLLECTION OF THE SOUND OF
YOUR VOICE AND IT'S DRIVING ME
INSANE PLEASE JUST HOLD MY
HAND AGAIN

HOME IS WHEREVER I'M WITH YOU
BUT YOU'RE
NEVER HERE SO
I'M BEYOND
HOMESICK AT
THIS POINT

IT'S PRETTY ******* SAD THAT YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH BEING ANOTHER GUY THAT'S ****** ME OVER

I NEVER TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I DO I WONDER IF YOU LOVE ME TOO

I WONDER IF YOU EVER HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING AT NIGHT BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER THAT I ONCE LAID NEXT TO YOU

WHAT TERRIFIES ME THE MOST ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU CAN LAY ME DOWN IN YOUR BED AND SAY THE MOST HORRIFYINGLY BEAUTIFUL WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD A GUY SAY BEFORE AND SPIT THEM RIGHT INTO MY VEINS THEN FIVE MONTHS LATER YOU SAY THE MOST PETRIFYINGLY ****** UP WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY BEFORE: N O T H I N G.

I WISH I COULDN'T STILL FEEL YOU BREATHE AND I WISH I COULDN'T STILL SEE YOU SMILE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AT NIGHT BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SO HARD TO FALL ASLEEP AND I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE MEMORIZED AND ALL OF ITS FLUCTUATION AND I WISH I COULD SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AT NIGHT AND I WISH I  COULD JUST NOT HAVE MET YOU BECAUSE YOU DID ME SO WRONG AND I'M UP AT NIGHT WRITING ABOUT YOU WHILE YOU'RE PROBABLY IN HER BED

I WOULD **** TO KNOW IF YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ME OR IF YOU MISS KISSING ME OR IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY LAUGH AGAIN OR IF YOU HEAR THE SONG SIDEWAYS BY CITIZEN COPE AND GET FLASHBACKS OF THE FIRST TIME WE SKYPED OR IF YOU THINK ABOUT ME WHEN YOU DRIVE BY COOKOUT AND ZAXBY'S AND I WONDER IF YOU CAN FEEL ME MISSING YOU AND **** WOULD I **** TO KNOW IF YOU WONDER IF I THINK ABOUT YOU STILL

WHEN WILL THIS NOT HURT ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE WE LAST TALKED AND I STILL CRY AND ROCK MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT AND PROMISE MYSELF THAT I'M GOING TO WAKE UP TO A TEXT OR A MISSED CALL FROM YOU AND YOU'LL SAY THAT YOU JUST NEEDED TIME TO THINK BUT THEN I COME TO REMEMBER THAT BOYS DON'T PONDER OVER THINGS FOR MORE THAN THE LENGTH OF A SHOWER AND THAT THEY JUST NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN OR EVEN HAVE A THOUGHT ABOUT YOU SPONTANEOUSLY THEY JUST RUIN ALL YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AND LEAVE YOU ROCKING YOURSELF DOWN THE TILE WALLS OF THE SHOWER BECAUSE THE NINE THOUSAND DEGREE WATER BURNING THE PORES ON YOUR BACK IS MORE COMFORTING THAN THE KNIFE HE LEFT STABBED IN YOU WHEN HE SAID HE MISSED YOU AND THEN NEVER SAID ANYTHING ELSE TO YOU EVER AGAIN

YOU MADE MY ******* KNUCKLES BLEED AND I CAN STILL FEEL YOU IN MY PORES WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE WHEN I ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE GET THE **** OUT OH MY GOD

THE SCARY THING ABOUT KISSING SOMEONE IS THAT YOU NEVER KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO BE THE LAST TIME YOU KISS THEM THE LAST TIME I KISSED YOU WAS APRIL TWENTY FOURTH AND IT WAS JUST A PECK BECAUSE YOU ****** ME OFF BUT I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO STILL KISS YOU BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE THIS FEAR OF ME BEING ANGRY AT SOMEONE AND THEM DRIVING AWAY AND GETTING IN A WRECK AND DYING SO I KISSED YOU BUT **** IF I HAD KNOWN THAT THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE LAST TIME WE KISSED I WOULD HAVE KISSED YOU SO ******* HARD YOUR LIPS WOULD HAVE TURNED NUMB

THE RIDICULOUS PART ABOUT YOU NOT BEING IN MY LIFE ANYMORE IS THAT YOU'RE STILL HERE LINGERING I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHOSE EYES ARE THE SAME ******* COLOR AS YOURS AND WHEN I KISS HIM ALL I CAN THINK IS "GOD I WISH I WAS KISSING YOU" WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME AGONIZING OVER YOUR SILENT EXIT OUT OF MY LIFE YOU'RE IN EVERYTHING I SEE AND IT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO STILL BE LINGERING IN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE WHO WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT LIKE YOU DID

WHAT'S ABSURD IS THAT I STILL WAKE UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE YOU'RE CHOKING ME BECAUSE KNOTS FORM IN MY THROAT LIKE THERE'S A ROPE DYING TO BE CHOKED UP BUT I SUPPOSE THAT'S ONLY ME WANTING TO SCREAM YOUR NAME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE LONG GONE AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK MY LUNGS STILL SEARCH FOR YOU BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO COLLAPSE IF THEY DON'T FIND YOU SOON PLEASE COME BACK AND BE MY OXYGEN AGAIN

THE FIRST TIME WE MADE LOVE WAS MARCH SEVENTH AND I'LL ALWAYS FEEL EMPTY ON THIS DAY EVERY YEAR UNTIL I DIE BECAUSE IT WAS A SCARRING NIGHT CONSIDERING WE KISSED EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE IT WAS APPARENT NEITHER ONE OF US COULD TAKE THE ANTICIPATION ANY LONGER AND OH HOW BEAUTIFULLY OUR LIPS EXPLORED EACH OTHER'S AND JUST THE WORDS MARCH SEVENTH IS ENOUGH TO MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL BECAUSE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST DROP EVERYTHING AND FORGET SOMEONE WHO FIRST MADE LOVE TO ME YOU CAN CLAIM ALL YOU WANT THAT WE WERE ******* BUT YOU DON'T TOUCH ME THE WAY THAT YOU WERE AND CALL IT ******* THE FUNNY THING IS I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT WE WEREN'T ******* AND MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED TO ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEONE FOR SOMEONE THAT SEEMED TO HAVE SO MUCH LOVE IN HIM THE ONLY THING THAT ENDED UP BEING A **** IS YOU NOT THE WAY YOU TOUCHED ME

I WONDER IF YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE YOU MISS ME TOO

LITERALLY ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHY YOU STOPPED TALKING TO ME ALTOGETHER BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT SINCE WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL WE HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS BUT NOW I RECALL THAT THAT WAS BEFORE YOU GRADUATED SO I GUESS SINCE YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYMORE I ******* HATE YOU FOR LEAVING

I miss the curve of your lips and the way you used to moan my name through the cracks of your teeth

There comes a point when you just don't love someone anymore. That point will never come with you.

I WISH WE COULD JUST START OVER BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE SOMEONE I'D HAVE TO MISS AND I MISS HOW I USED TO GET HIGH OFF YOUR VOICE AND DRUNK OFF YOUR LIPS WHY THE **** DID YOU LEAVE ME

I OFTEN WONDER IF WHEN YOU HAVE *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU'LL END UP WISHING IT WAS ME AFTER IT'S OVER OR IF YOU'VE ALREADY HAD *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU REGRET IT NOT BEING ME I HAD *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND I FAKED IT FEELING GOOD THE ENTIRE ******* TIME AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAVING *** WITH SOMEONE WHO SAID "LET'S KEEP THIS ON THE DOWN LOW" AFTER IT WAS OVER BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOU DROPPED ME OUT OF NOWHERE YOU NEVER MADE ME FEEL LIKE YOU WERE EMBARRASSED TO BE WITH ME AND FOR THAT I THANK YOU BUT I STILL ******* HATE YOU FOR LEAVING

you lit my sky on fire but now you're gone and everything is pitch black

WHAT UPSETS ME IS THAT EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES ANYMORE I'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE MEMORY OF YOUR LIPS TOUCHING MINE AND NOW AND THEN I'LL TOUCH MY LIPS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU'RE STILL HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE LONG GONE AND NEVER COMING BACK AND THE OTHER MORNING I WOKE UP AT FIVE A.M. BECAUSE I SWEAR I FELT YOUR LIPS PRESSED AGAINST MINE BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT IT WAS JUST MY HAND PRESSED AGAINST MY MOUTH FROM SILENCING MY CRY OVER HOW YOUR LIPS WILL NEVER BE ON MINE AGAIN

I STILL TASTE YOUR TONGUE IN MY MOUTH AND I CAN STILL FEEL THE WAY YOU USED TO ****** THE ANATOMY OF YOUR TONGUE ALL OVER MY SKIN LIKE IT WAS SECOND NATURE TO DO SO WHY DOES MY SKIN ******* BURN WITH JUST A SIMPLE RECOLLECTION OF YOUR EXISTENCE MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU USED TO TOUCH ME IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT THERE WAS AN ELECTRIC SPARK THAT FLOWED FROM YOU THROUGH ME AND IT WOULD SHOCK MY HEART MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN I NEVER TOLD YOU I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THE SPARKS YOU REPEATEDLY GAVE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY GIVING ANOTHER GIRL SPARKS AND YOU'RE NOT HERE TO GET ELECTROCUTED BY ME ANYMORE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MY FAN BLOWS COLD AIR IT MAKES THE HAIR ON MY ARMS TIGHTEN AT THE PORES AND I SHIVER AS IF YOU HAD JUST TRICKLED YOUR HANDS DOWN MY ARMS AND WHENEVER SOMEONE TOUCHES ME I HOPE IT'S YOU TOUCHING ME BUT IT NEVER ******* IS THE FAN IS THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE LEFT OF THE REMEMBRANCE OF YOUR TOUCH AND JESUS **** I WOULD **** FOR YOU TO JUST TOUCH ME WITH YOUR HANDS AGAIN

THE HYSTERICAL THING ABOUT YOU LEAVING ME IS THAT I BET YOU THOUGHT I'D STOP SMILING JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN'T IN MY LIFE ANYMORE BUT THE JOKE IS ON YOU BABY BECAUSE I FOUND SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN NEVER COMPARE TO AND I'VE MET HIS FAMILY AND HE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN EVER EVEN BEGIN TO SAY FOR YOU BUT HAVE FUN SLEEPING ALONE BABY I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE IT

THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR EYES I KNEW I WAS BEYOND ****** BECAUSE YOU HAD THE MOST SCINTILLATINGLY BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF BROWN EYES I'VE EVER SEEN ON A BREATHING HUMAN EVEN YOUR ******* EYELASHES WERE HARD TO FATHOM THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY COULD FIGHT AND WIN AGAINST A STORM WITH ALL THEIR THICKNESS AND MAN OH MAN THEY WERE HARD TO FATHOM AND SEEING THEM BAT AT ME CAUSE A TIDAL WAVE TO CRASH AGAINST MY INTERNAL ORGANS I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU LOOKING AT ME AGAIN INSTEAD OF NASTY COLLEGE GIRLS WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ******* **** THEY WANT ANYWAY I KNOW WHAT I WANT I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU

Your absence is the closest to torture I've ever been

I WONDER IF YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER BECAUSE A WEEK AFTER WE FIRST MET YOU SAID "IT'LL BE A WEEK SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU" BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT IT'S BEEN TWO ******* MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER AND I REALIZED THAT IF YOU WANTED TO SEE ME YOU WOULD HAVE MADE IT HAPPEN BY NOW

WHY DID YOU SAY YOU MISS ME IF YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT ME DOWN WHEN I SAID I MISSED YOU TOO WHY DID YOU MAKE ME BELIEVE YOU WERE IN IT FOR THE LONG RUN IF YOU WEREN'T WHY AM I SHAKING WHY AREN'T YOU HERE WHERE ARE YOU DO YOU NEED ME TOO?