The past
living in the mind, crisp at first.
A disintegrating leaf
beneath boots
it crumbles
pieces of you blow away.

The only light on is the bug zapper.
It's ultra violet
Is ultra violent
As Burgess might say.
You're here with me
Quivering, we lay
between a ***** sheet
Until our eyes meet
Then I know you're leaving
Me for the ultra violet light
I didn't really fight
I just watched you flutter
Clumsily charmed you mutter,
"Why can't I stay away from death?"

Then I stabbed the bug zapper
All vengeful and full of tears.
Now, there are no lights on.

I orbit this center sun
on a silver ring I run
and gaze with longing
therefore prolonging
my blindness and suffering
hold on while this video is buffering
my grip grows weak
I can't stop, I can't speak
I reach out to her and say
love him all you can, every day.

I swear the end
Of this gun is cold
Like the way he drowns me
In unanswered questions
Masked women
With red lipstick
Turning the engine on
never off again
All threats
On all sides
Coincides
With the scam:
Wherever I go
There I am.

My poems never rhyme,
So you'll never listen.
Wrists sliced
Tears
and sidewalk salty
Snow falling
a pure blanket humbles the city
I am far away from.
My eyes never see
So you'll never exist.

I feel asphalt beneath my feet-
Flat and black.
Microscopic ridges longing
For rough pearly sand,
Sharp golden grass
Ask if black never appears in nature
Except as an absence.
Past tense humanity
They always say
"Live for the now"
How can I understand time
If I can't understand asphalt?

I'm letting go
of the rope.

I'm going to watch
it slide
through the white satin sand
and sink into the water.

I'm going to memorize
the details
of the indentation it will make.

Then, I'm going to stop
building rafts
on the shore.

Then, I'll never have to watch
a sliding rope
mess up the sand
again.

Clear water
a deep breath before
diving down,
dodging dark sharks
of fear.
Clear water
helps my search of the rope
rotting ripe
and ripped upon the coral.
I reach for it.
Will you let me take it?

I can hardly keep my eyes open
rope in hand,
I carry you behind me.
See this evidence? I don't.
won't you rise up from the dead?
Read somewhere that it hurts to heal
Peel away the sunburn, find a freckle underneath
reef of wood; I tear it away.
say, pull out these pins and glass
pass the pills because
Does a caged bird ever fly?

When skies are blue
The right shade
The right hue
things are made
extrapolation
compilation
Of time and pain
Of loss and gain
I listen but find no words
I look but nothing appears
And as the fog clears
And the light breaks
I find what makes
I find what takes
I find what fakes.

I'm stuck in a ******* box
Wild wolves and a fox
Take their share:
One heart already, two's a pair.
As we ***** and drown,
We hear the iconic sound,
"I'll huff and puff and blow your house down."

Now we roam.
Wild boar, mouths of foam,
We scheme and look and run
Exacting revenge with a smoking gun.

Come closer if you dare.
Through the fear of my dazzling glare,
I see a sunset
and a past
not worth talking about.
Dance with me
and see
a sunrise
with eyes like moons.
We will run off together
like they do in cartoons.
We will cut our tether
like you always wanted,
but I remain forever haunted
by a sunset
and a past
not worth talking about.

He calls me a brick wall;
which is a useful thing
to be
when dealing with wolves like him.
If I weren't dead,
I would scream
that I am
not a brick wall
nor some stupid woolen lamb
I am not a trapped sardine.
I am not a broken tree limb.
But most of all,
I am not a wolf like him

Three words looking at the moon
Listening with eyes
I arrive here
Combing through the night
Looking for just a second
Away
Away...
Yes you may
Cut through this loneliness
As long as I don’t let on
That I need in any way
Away
Away...
Was there a time I was beautiful?
Come closer with whatever
You have to say
Away
Away
Please stay

They shove
poetry down throats
by putting it on the train.
They know you'll look at it
because you don't look at faces
you're afraid
they're looking back.

They shove
a definition of beauty
into your mind
through skinny arms
through masked skin
through red lips
Crisp
Advertisements
on how you need to look
to keep him
on your hook.

They shove
Their morality
into your veins
through religion
and tasty cliches,
Heaven forbid
You ask why.

I can't erase
your penned-in face
I killed a man
That's for sure.
Long days begin to blur
The sting
Of her lips
And the clink of a ring
Sing of bullets
And thin streams of *****
Or blood
Or death
Or love
It all sounds like evaporation to me.
I sat at her grave
Maybe told her I'm not that brave.

Take all of this
Put it in a pile
Seal it with a kiss
Run a mile
Long ignition switch
Light a match
Remove a patch
Burn it to the ground
Sweep all the ashes into a mound
Grind them into dust
Dump them into the sea
Now, this becomes rust.
More beautiful to me

Wheels turn over
Sand spinning
Spitting out the waves
Try to do it as yourself
But must have forgot
Alien
Because

it's typical

Here and there
this needs a scientific name,
a twist of tongue,
ribcage: gilded frame.

A song unsung
Like a zipper unzipped
Like a drink sipped too slow
Like a blink of stars
That have lost their glow.

Found a way in
Out through all the weeds
No path left
Wanting particles on
The tip of my tongue
Words teetering
Action metering
Rules I can't quite place
Describing love
As the moment before pain

This pencil sounds
like sputtering,
a car engine failing.
It smells like
the sheets you just left.
It feels weighted,
heavy like a lead blade
that I can hardly hold up.
It tastes bittersweet,
like the tail-end of smoke:
as musky and infectious
as your kiss.
This pencil looks
at me sparkling with dew,
"did you lose interest in me
like the boys lose interest in you?"

They don't care
If you're concerned
With yin and yang, a pair
Or a soul like butter churned.

They will never taste your mind
Like they taste your body.
Hard to find
Distant, spotty.

That won't stop them
Or clip their thorned stem.

It wasn't the middle of the night
It wasn't wanted
Unsure if you'd let me cross your threshold
But I thought you might

I'm always on my Last One
And you're always out to get some
If only I could take those threads
Tie them in a knot
Make them work
Maybe now I wouldn't have none

Like a thin veil
It consumes me
And all the thoughts
Unwanted
In the middle of the night
Don't make any sense
Never work in my favor
Now they're all I have

There you are
A bird flying into the distance
And slowly I forget
If you were even real to begin with

I married this charcoal
Fast as you took my soul
Dole out the pills
Monday Tuesday Wednesday
If-then statements that don't make sense
Read the side effects
On my lable
You see, I'm putting this all out on the table
My spirit is a flighty bird
You can't trust me, haven't you heard?
I don't have an owners manual
Oh my dear, this articulation is far too gradual.

Make one big push
Away from the side of the pool
I can feel the difference
Between tile and grout
Can you?
Guards at the gate
Tell a story of abuse and hate
Cry a whole salty sea
For my memory
Sliced, sautéed sick

I am no magic trick

It was a sour lemon
A flavor
An aftertaste
A feeling of what its like
To notice
A pretty clear glass.
Just pass
The clock
Down the long
Mahogany table
A song
On repeat
A slow beat
On the steering wheel
Just steal
This pretty clear glass
Before it smashes on the tile

Clueless
I spin these tires in the mud
Tear up the foxes den

What's the difference between boys and men?
One can reach the door handle.

You don't understand what I'm trying to say
I can't get to this threshold, not today.

They say things never stay
But I think they're wrong
Your heart strings extend
Into the encapsulating abyss
Never are they amiss
Their love, a list
Of reasons why
You and I
Will never say goodbye

What did I want to say?
Carbons strung together
But not quite sticking
Quick enough
to make a sentence.
Describing how you fooled me
Trapped me
Took me
Showed me
Exactly what a boy like you
Could give
what a boy like you
Could conjure
Conjole
Console
Could take
Break
Leave
Run from,
Right as the carbons
Stuck together
Into one solemn sentence:
I will always care about you
And you will never care about anything.

I lay out all the tools.
The ones for breaking
And the ones for mending.
I lay out all the steps,
Try again
Forget and laugh
Destroy and rebuild
Decisions and dreams
Glue and thread
Who cares what was said?
The art is behind the couch
The drums are dusty
Guitars, rusty.
Here is my happiness,
I'll trade you for numbers
And dollar signs
And whiskey to numb it all.
Who decided this? I want to give them a call.

I hold onto you
Little last sweater thread
An angel's grip to mend
Whatever they call this
Kiss, miss this target
Largest needle
Invisible beetle
A silent torture
A pressed flower
I love you with this weak power
Screams a pitch too high to hear
I beg you to tell me what is near
My eyes tell you how to flee
My hands tell you how to plea.

Impulse beats
Up, down
Hello. Greet.
Hands do what they do
What they need.
Heed greed far too often

Have I had good times?
A few
Have I made any good rhymes?
Maybe two
Do I believe in signs?
As long as you do

Can you tell I'm nervous
Put a glaze over it in an oven
Hot like Saturday nights I never had
With a girl I never met
Friend is such a tragic word
Would you bet
That I run away every time
Here and there
I make this rhyme
So maybe you'll listen

Missed these trains
Watch them go by
Counting the cars
Caged
Slide through these bars
To you - showing me
The devastation of joy
And happiness too
Not really understanding love
Before I met you

Fall into it now
A wanting fever
Insane
With you I
Now board the train.

"Drop something?"
The sign asks.
Yes, I dropped the love
you gave me
somewhere along the tracks.  
"Leave it!"
The sign exclaims.
No, I would jump
onto the muddy tracks
if I knew.

Always dropping things just won't do.

There is wood grain
on train track ties
buried under gravel,
broken glass, and goodbyes.
Lovers' footprints
echo on the platform-
A stampede repeating
It all lays silent now,
whistles in the distance.

Sudden decent
dents paint scent
into my mind.
What is this "art"?
Something stupid and contrived
derived from work-for-free
always-be-the-victim me.
I sit here with you,
towering over me like a mammoth:
ancient and urgent
itchy and crawling.
You're all I have left
and I feel sorry
for making you into garbage.

I thought by now I'd make less trash
I thought by now I'd be less trash.

Unearthing boxes
Within boxes
Constant discovery
Of a darker darkness

Constant recovery
From traps
I never meant to set out
What did you expect
From this profound pit?
Is it still treasure
If you don't have to dig for it?

I put on my best:
A metal vest.
"Check, check-mate"
Is the only thing I hear as of late.
Touch feels like fire.
And I am nothing but a cheap liar.
Put your best tricks on the table
I'll ignore my suspicion if I am able.

Mom was never mom.
Weakness was never weakness.
You were never you.
And we argue, is it green or is it blue?

They all say,
I want to get to know you
I want to be your friend
I want your trust
but you must
give it all to me by this time
this date
the date
that one date
ate all hope I could really stomach

They all say
I want to get to know you
I want to prove to me
through you
my worth.
Between you and gullible, there is no dearth.

They all say
Come to my apartment
***...

...

...

...

It is okay if you give up.

This thing is strangling me
This thing I can't see
But can somehow feel.
I asked him if my face looks weird
Because I can't tell
If I'm smiling or frowning
Eyes wide
Like a mad scientist

I asked him to run away with me.
We could get a little house
With a shady front yard

No
He said
Another year
he said

In another year,
My dear,
I'll be gone.

I want to scrub
Every last one of his dead taste buds
From my mouth
A toothbrush slowly sharpening
Saw blade
Spit out the blood,
Mud, and toothpaste

I want to find
Every way there
Is to destroy myself
To live without ever breathing
Or seeing
Or being seen

I want you to know
My worst fear came true
I never was capable of loving you.

I search for words
a frantic hand in the sand.
Sand slipping silently through the window
and down the hall
and out the door.
Uncovering the carpet, poor
cat and lampshade
crooked and destroyed.
Nothing to be found
my leg has shattered
I can't feel it
calf shards sit sharp side up.
poker cards on the floor
tank top slipping
off my shoulder
down my arm
rolls blood
and mud;
this stuff feels like bugs.
I keep smearing,
clearing the wreckage,  
forgetting your package
as I pass it in the hall.

I hold an umbrella
Turned inside out and filled with sand
Cradled somehow beneath my grip.
You take my other hand
So I let it slip

It starts out specific
Pretty, far away, and perfect
Take one step forward
One to the left and one toward
The edge of feeling something
And everything
And nothing
All at the same time
Somehow
Somewhere
We became two vines. Ensnare
My heart
As shards of a light bulb
Hot hurts just as cold.

Take a pill or leave
Take a pill and leave
Take a pill, alleve
This
Gaze trying
To lasso the moment
In memory
Of a time when
This was at least ugly
at most something to be forgotten.

I spread the floor
In the hopes you remain
Underneath it
Or the very least find
Reasons for why I am like this
Why I yearn for you
Why we miss
Each other every time.  
Rhyme to ice the pain
Rain to grow the flowers
Powers of speech I lack.
Back to loving you?
I never left.

Red bikini
With zig zags, black
Ties untied, tucked into my sack.
I said no
You said that won't work
Sly smirk
Distaste and bitter
Forcefully you litter
Your body onto mine
Below the line
Above my face
Now my red bikini just causes a sour taste
Ruined high and low
By my unheard no.

Do the same things
over and over
to try and understand
why you can't stop.

Splinters in the stone
Passed a tree
Now gone and gray
Some may say
It's not personal

Sublime days:
Colored red,
Smelling of nothing,
And feeling like even less.