****** candles
with wax walled wicks
to light at first,
the flame must linger
break
burn
behold a light bringer
slowly melting away
yielding to darkness

I imagine the wave
of your hand
your hair
standing on end
at the sight of me
not the me I know
the me you somehow see
through a distorted glass vase
encase me in molasses love
slow my heart down from above
my face facing yours
it was the last time I took a breath

Bullets making lace.
Lotuses growing from mud.
Beauty needs ugly.

Standing in the middle of the street
Blue heat
Hearing your heart beat
Repeat in my red blood cells
Shells of me and you
Left on a deserted beach
Peach fuzz grows slowly
To the tune of your cedar smell
Sell your stuff and run away
Lay here a little longer
Stronger drinks than I thought
Sought something in you
That isn't there.

Everything blue. Invisible.

Crashing, collapsing  
Gold swept away

The back again to stay the winter

Weathering stone to sand

Hand-in-hand to spring

*Soaking everything in gold
In blue

I search for words
a frantic hand in the sand.
Sand slipping silently through the window
and down the hall
and out the door.
Uncovering the carpet, poor
cat and lampshade
crooked and destroyed.
Nothing to be found
my leg has shattered
I can't feel it
calf shards sit sharp side up.
poker cards on the floor
tank top slipping
off my shoulder
down my arm
rolls blood
and mud;
this stuff feels like bugs.
I keep smearing,
clearing the wreckage,  
forgetting your package
as I pass it in the hall.

Dueling duo
Entangled
Entwined
Within my mind
Find a way to hold on another moment longer
Which is stronger?
I hold my breath waiting to find out
Bloodied bout
A calm before the storm
A cold before the warm
A walk before the run
A cloud in front of the sun.

I orbit this center sun
on a silver ring I run
and gaze with longing
therefore prolonging
my blindness and suffering
hold on while this video is buffering
my grip grows weak
I can't stop, I can't speak
I reach out to her and say
love him all you can, every day.

Scrape the sides
Of the bowl
Addicted to something
I don't know the name of.
Batter collects at the bottom.
Harvest with a spoon
A moon to guide the way
Hit the road today
Hoping it will only get better
I tried to tell you in person
But I ended up telling you in a letter.

Fourteen tolerance
With reminiscence
As the side of a sharpened blade
I don't know but I made
A reason
Because pleasure isn't enough
Smooth feels rough
Ragged ranges
Of pitch
Black to blacker
Pink to red
I long to understand human pains
Because nothing else remains
I long understand human blood
And the way it resembles mud.

I can hardly keep my eyes open
rope in hand,
I carry you behind me.
See this evidence? I don't.
won't you rise up from the dead?
Read somewhere that it hurts to heal
Peel away the sunburn, find a freckle underneath
reef of wood; I tear it away.
say, pull out these pins and glass
pass the pills because
Does a caged bird ever fly?

Mallet resembles
or reassembles
what it broke in the first place
face it: destroy and create
fate chose to put them both in my head
bed empty. Can't stand it any other way.
Say something to me I can't see right through
To you I'm just spicy trembles
brambles
is what it feels like to me.
Sea salt and vinegar
linger like all the things he said.
Bed empty. Can't stand it any other way.
Pay in love, I keep repeating
beating blood through brain and brawn
fawn over dreams that don't make sense
fence around my heart?
Try a million gunshots
lots of pain is all I see
pots of rain is what it feels like to me.

Distracted by the heat
And
Electricity
From my eye
Lashes:
That's the only way
To touch you;
Because you are a candle flame
And
Scars don't mean the same
when they are made by you
And
past the fence
I thought it was greener
But
It reminds me of him,
Only meaner.

The only light on is the bug zapper.
It's ultra violet
Is ultra violent
As Burgess might say.
You're here with me
Quivering, we lay
between a ***** sheet
Until our eyes meet
Then I know you're leaving
Me for the ultra violet light
I didn't really fight
I just watched you flutter
Clumsily charmed you mutter,
"Why can't I stay away from death?"

Then I stabbed the bug zapper
All vengeful and full of tears.
Now, there are no lights on.

Go to write.
Blank
Fan
Blades
Turn slowly. Then quick.
As the switch turns itself
Pause. Click
Send
Tying a noose to the other end

Rusty saw blade
I hold on
Grind the dull blade
across tethers and strings and ropes
mummifying
strangling
not a cocoon like I once thought
do you feel the panic set in?
Needle ****** on your forearms
twine frays
did I ever say
that anything stays?

Shrill screams during dreams of you and me
sea salt and caramel  
pour her over my banana split
Fit for a king, I thought
not hot
not warm
no swarm
of butterflies
crispy and slight,
wings blow away in the darkness of night
might you come to love me in time?
Rhyme anything, anytime, anymore
pour me over a bed of hot coals
evaporate me over a head of cold souls
cut me up over whatever it was you said
piece me back together, tuck me into bed.

Do you try to remember his voice?
Her choice
Of words and socks
Oh, the shocks
Lightning bolt memories
Bold caresses of theories
Trapped in a timeframe
I do remember his voice
But it's not the same.

Recoil back into the belly
Of this grief
Large. Obese. Heavy.
Cut all the fragile strings
Watch colorful kites fly away
Imagine their life in the clouds
Far away.

Take the swarm of pixels
The sting
Stretch out and look up
Let them cover
Hover
Run
see one last kite tail
Disappear behind the sun

I whisper
eyelids red and pink and black
in hand blade and broken compass and sack
what could I have done?
who could I be instead?
Here, let me switch off this head.
I whisper
insides red and pink and black
I count out each crack
between you and me
I whisper

when will you see?

Cords stuck
To skin
Paper thin folds
Lines and numbers
Measure life
And shout as death
Steps closer now
Take off masks
Detach tubes
Check off tasks
Gasping slower
Come on
Come on
Let him run
Into the next world
Zero and lines
Straight lines
Are the final goodbye

Spring bulbs rise
out from their dark prison.  
Escaped at last!
Greeted by
the unfamiliar whiteness
of a late spring snow.
Cold and unmoving
We wait
for rays of sun.

I have your
Finger prints memorized
In case you burn them off
Or commercialize
Your hazy gazing
Killing me one look at a time
So I shake off all the titles
Like coils of a snake
And take
More than I need
How can I explain
The main
Vein of slack
Golden and black?

His air is snow
blanketed white willowed
over his heart; lo,
I slush. My jacket billowed.

Cheap wine, plump grapefruit,
sun dresses, and kisses--
a pirate's loot
from Jack Frost's cavern. He misses
his coin turned to color on my cheeks.
No different than missus
from under red light streaks.

Your fingers are blades
And your kiss is the same
Welcome to the game
follow the rules
No touching
No caring
No shooting the moon.

You sound cute
I sound mute
What you hear isn't me
It's something in here you can't see.

Your fingers are blades
And I am the queen of spades
In this game of hearts.

I smudge the paint
on the wall
your wall
to call out a weak power
by which I love you.
Cower beneath the hedges,
never to be seen,
I can't seem to say what I mean.
As I let go of you,
black and blue,


you drift out to sea

I told her about what he did.

Because she doesn't know about my poetry

But you do. I think.
So where is your excuse for your surprise?
Oh, wait, here it is:
You don't read this.

I didn't look at her.

I just looked at the curled tissue in my sweaty palms.

Then she asked me what my sadness feels like.

It feels like I'm drowning,

but can see everyone else breathing.

What is making me drown?

All this weight

that I'm holding onto

thats holding onto me.

What is the heaviest thing forcing you to hold its hand?

Losing mom.

You mean the mom you never had in the first place?

Yeah, that one.

The one who was never in the crowd

when it was Mother's Day and the class was singing?

Yeah, that one.  

The one you remember searching for?

The one who you were never good enough for?

But at least she never said it like dad said it.

The one whose memory is one without you in it?

Her, doing something else:

Reading the paper on the couch,

Curling her hair,

Asking why I got a "B" and not an "A"

The one that saved you from

literally drowning at the community pool?

Yeah, that one.

How can you mourn the loss of someone you never had?

Easy, I do it every ******* day.

When will this end?

I can see the pin-***** of light ahead

the cement used to be wet sludge

and now it seems to have dried

up to my waist.

You turn the ***.

Bile collection
Right at the base of my neck
All lined up
Disgusting brown to putrid green
Cup by cup
It all tumbles out of my spine
Onto your new white t-shirt
Try to assert
A muffled apology.

I somehow ask you
Sorry about your shirt, you see?

You reply
It looks white to me.

It is hard to write
And draw
When you're at the bottom of the sea
Fighting tooth, nail, and claw.
How can I unlock these chains without the key?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Sharks circling
Nostrils on fire:
You never knew the taste of flame
Until now, liar.
If they ever came
Then you wouldn't have all these marks
Then you wouldn't know
All the anatomy of sharks.

obese sadness
Footsteps heavy through mud and blood
Goodness and badness
Feel the same sharp splinter spear
Invisible pit
Too steep, unlit
Tendrils of lead
If only it were something that bled
Maybe they would understand
Drowning on land
And in a bed sheet
As torrential as sleet
It tears down every ladder
And all they say is,
"What's the matter?"

I'm always early
Like winter
And rain
And the moon
When all you want is sun.
Dad spun stories
Of how things are
Fleeting
So you might as well
Love and hate
At a similar rate
Not too much
Not too little
Just early enough
And somewhere in the middle.

"Draw things about relief,"
he said
(because he doesn't know I write too).

Relief--
The smell of California air,
hot eve in December.
Finding out he really does care.
Yeah right, that I don't remember.

Relief--
the end of a knife fight.
Tight pants unbuttoned
by his hands.
The last list of demands.

Relief--
a noxious pill,
the bottom of a hill,
the thing that often looks like failure.

Unearthing boxes
Within boxes
Constant discovery
Of a darker darkness

Constant recovery
From traps
I never meant to set out
What did you expect
From this profound pit?
Is it still treasure
If you don't have to dig for it?

Your mind will never be free.
A smog of emotion, you, and me
pollutes perfection;
a strong conviction
for x, y, or z
makes truth hum vaguely.
Fear and the whole **** mess
skews secret subconsciousness
Confounding our dirt perfection,
our galaxy-star-dust-energy-affection.

Slanted cold rain
each drop a sharp pain
bending below umbrellas' shade
Not personally made
Paid in full-bodied wine
He drinks her away, line after line
But she is a stain
Wash, shoot, scrub, rub, remain
Slanted cold rain
Pain turns into cleansing pleasure

The dicktip
Soft lick
Swift kick
That's him.
Say this or that.
Matte paint
And ginger ale
Pale light and shadow
Under his eyes,
In his eyes,
Under my skin,
In my belly.
Jelly
And peanut butter
Because that's all he can afford.
Board
a plane
Because all I can afford is to leave.
Pay in love next time.

Subtle hairs out of place
Momentary pleading on her face
Race this heart 'til it gives out
Round and round this route
A warm sickness
A familiar thickness
Pick this carcass
Up off the road
What color is darkness
If there isn't any light to measure?
The opposite of pleasure
Is numbness
So I pick pain
Unplug the drain
Unhinge the door
I can't take this anymore.

He was a one-liner
Better and finer
Than all the stuff on my bed post
What feels like this the most?
Burning and slicing.
Taking my arm and dicing
Out what is trapped there.
If I take a glance, I'll stare.
Not a single glare
Through this glass, reflects.
Slimy licks become defects
And my finger prints gouge the glass
Take a pass
At me
Because I'll never be free.

Try to spit out
Your poison
Too late it's already in my veins
She's on the no apology diet
He's on the couch
I'm on the floor
Ten light years away from them
And it's lonely in space
Except when I think of your stardust
Lust and bone is just a part of us
You can't cut it away
Say that you'll stay awhile longer
Your poison makes me stronger.

"What do you want?"
He said.
"I'm really just working
on the basics,"
I replied.
Wait,
in the movies
This isn't work.

I landed on a square.
No, no, no.
A square landed on me.
He said,
"Do not pass Go
Do not collect $200."
When I laid paralyzed
On this square,
No, no, no.
Under this square.

Did the square know
It was sending me
back to the beginning?
It.
That is what he has become.
It.
The square I landed on.
No, no, no.
The square that landed on me
next to all the other thimbles and irons
turned battleships:
Sunken.

Words' palm to push you
Out of reach

Sew my lips
To keep the words
From escaping
From covering
The space between your fingers
And mine.

But

Pain has spit
One final revenge
Choose to shroud
Choose to hide
Choose the needle
And the thread
Sew everything shut
Go ahead

Somehow
Somewhere
I found the secret
to burning the inflammable.

Someone
Some place
Found my face
Unrecognized

So they identified me
By all the scars I've made.

A sea as fire
Exists upon me
Drink in the life
As it slowly counts down.
It’s you
I plan to see last,
It’s blood
In another silk of this earth
On my forearm
That’s the only place this lives now
And as these bones surface forward
I wasn’t going to say goodbye
But now I know I must.

I am slippery,
caught, covered in blood,
mud, and bruises.
A fruit fallen from the branch,
turning sour and moldy on the ground,
not filling anyone's hunger.

I am putting needles in my infections
and affections:
a million filled balloons floating away
now a million shards of soft shrapnel.

I am picking up the wreckage:
my rotting flesh from the ground,
metal sound-- all skinny and gray
and my endless array of memories on re-play.

Awake and asleep,
remember which?
Time is all that's changed
since we last touched.

Clutched in limbo,
between a red and yellow light
sight for sore eyes,
yet you were born blind.

I can feel your eyes:
a blast furnace red and yellow
blistering my face with your touch
pain, glorious pain,
numb smile
that part of me no longer exists*

It floated away
on a sea of sweet silence.
And I let it.

I'm letting go
of the rope.

I'm going to watch
it slide
through the white satin sand
and sink into the water.

I'm going to memorize
the details
of the indentation it will make.

Then, I'm going to stop
building rafts
on the shore.

Then, I'll never have to watch
a sliding rope
mess up the sand
again.

Lanky lizards
and crusty cockroaches
are crawling in the space
between my skin and the atmosphere.
Generated by the generator
he installed just below my naval:
On-fire, they are;
Sharp, they become;
Jagged, they march.
Over and over,
slower and slower,
deeper and deeper--
A never-ending game
of ring around the rosie
I don't want to play anymore.

Thrown out
Scrap
dumpster
hot blue
He doesn't want me
Lets see if you do
Last time I checked
The trash was filled with rats
a slice of bread thoroughly pecked
Torn baseball, broken bats
Pull a rag through the *****
Tap a hammer to nail
Iron out wrinkles, do whatever repair
Fix this machinery

It all feels black and blue to me.

He calls me a brick wall;
which is a useful thing
to be
when dealing with wolves like him.
If I weren't dead,
I would scream
that I am
not a brick wall
nor some stupid woolen lamb
I am not a trapped sardine.
I am not a broken tree limb.
But most of all,
I am not a wolf like him

The short stems will never do
I chronically wait for you
while tie-dying
and untying
knots
lots of people ask why
but I always lie.