I orbit this center sun
on a silver ring I run
and gaze with longing
therefore prolonging
my blindness and suffering
hold on while this video is buffering
my grip grows weak
I can't stop, I can't speak
I reach out to her and say
love him all you can, every day.

Fourteen tolerance
With reminiscence
As the side of a sharpened blade
I don't know but I made
A reason
Because pleasure isn't enough
Smooth feels rough
Ragged ranges
Of pitch
Black to blacker
Pink to red
I long to understand human pains
Because nothing else remains
I long understand human blood
And the way it resembles mud.

I can hardly keep my eyes open
rope in hand,
I carry you behind me.
See this evidence? I don't.
won't you rise up from the dead?
Read somewhere that it hurts to heal
Peel away the sunburn, find a freckle underneath
reef of wood; I tear it away.
say, pull out these pins and glass
pass the pills because
Does a caged bird ever fly?

Scrape the sides
Of the bowl
Addicted to something
I don't know the name of.
Batter collects at the bottom.
Harvest with a spoon
A moon to guide the way
Hit the road today
Hoping it will only get better
I tried to tell you in person
But I ended up telling you in a letter.

Cry off this expensive mascara
The salt makes lashes
Stick together
That's what helps, they say
Stuck together
That's what people become, they say
Peel you off like a toffee string
Lick you off like a pesticide ring
Pick you off like a bathtub drain
Get used to the pain
Because it's the only guarantee
Kick me off like an ant on the sidewalk
Dust me off like a spider web
Push me off like a rock at the top of a mountain
Cry off this expensive mascara
Ten down and countin'

Shrill screams during dreams of you and me
sea salt and caramel  
pour her over my banana split
Fit for a king, I thought
not hot
not warm
no swarm
of butterflies
crispy and slight,
wings blow away in the darkness of night
might you come to love me in time?
Rhyme anything, anytime, anymore
pour me over a bed of hot coals
evaporate me over a head of cold souls
cut me up over whatever it was you said
piece me back together, tuck me into bed.

Bullets making lace.
Lotuses growing from mud.
Beauty needs ugly.

I whisper
eyelids red and pink and black
in hand blade and broken compass and sack
what could I have done?
who could I be instead?
Here, let me switch off this head.
I whisper
insides red and pink and black
I count out each crack
between you and me
I whisper

when will you see?

Claw at your eyes
Ties tied tight around my *****
As Plath would say
Mother may
I please just cut myself in half
Throw away the ties,
Lies, and sighs
Muffled by ruffled feathers.
Walk around free
On sea
Touched palms.

I sent you my body in a bag
Of ones and zeros
It waits on your doorstep
Unopened.

Everything blue. Invisible.

Crashing, collapsing  
Gold swept away

The back again to stay the winter

Weathering stone to sand

Hand-in-hand to spring

*Soaking everything in gold
In blue

Spring bulbs rise
out from their dark prison.  
Escaped at last!
Greeted by
the unfamiliar whiteness
of a late spring snow.
Cold and unmoving
We wait
for rays of sun.

Do you try to remember his voice?
Her choice
Of words and socks
Oh, the shocks
Lightning bolt memories
Bold caresses of theories
Trapped in a timeframe
I do remember his voice
But it's not the same.

I imagine the wave
of your hand
your hair
standing on end
at the sight of me
not the me I know
the me you somehow see
through a distorted glass vase
encase me in molasses love
slow my heart down from above
my face facing yours
it was the last time I took a breath

Your fingers are blades
And your kiss is the same
Welcome to the game
follow the rules
No touching
No caring
No shooting the moon.

You sound cute
I sound mute
What you hear isn't me
It's something in here you can't see.

Your fingers are blades
And I am the queen of spades
In this game of hearts.

His air is snow
blanketed white willowed
over his heart; lo,
I slush. My jacket billowed.

Cheap wine, plump grapefruit,
sun dresses, and kisses--
a pirate's loot
from Jack Frost's cavern. He misses
his coin turned to color on my cheeks.
No different than missus
from under red light streaks.

It is hard to write
And draw
When you're at the bottom of the sea
Fighting tooth, nail, and claw.
How can I unlock these chains without the key?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Sharks circling
Nostrils on fire:
You never knew the taste of flame
Until now, liar.
If they ever came
Then you wouldn't have all these marks
Then you wouldn't know
All the anatomy of sharks.

I wanted it to be us
Pulling away from the bottom
Of the deep end;
But smeared lipstick reminds me:
This is only temporary.  
They will only love you
As long as you are loveable
As long as you are good

I would have shook off
This dark veil
To see you more clearly

I would have loved
This world
In its chaos
Beautiful spirals in and out
Of madness
Of loneliness and beckoning
Over and over
A tolling bell.

obese sadness
Footsteps heavy through mud and blood
Goodness and badness
Feel the same sharp splinter spear
Invisible pit
Too steep, unlit
Tendrils of lead
If only it were something that bled
Maybe they would understand
Drowning on land
And in a bed sheet
As torrential as sleet
It tears down every ladder
And all they say is,
"What's the matter?"

Distracted by the heat
And
Electricity
From my eye
Lashes:
That's the only way
To touch you;
Because you are a candle flame
And
Scars don't mean the same
when they are made by you
And
past the fence
I thought it was greener
But
It reminds me of him,
Only meaner.

I smudge the paint
on the wall
your wall
to call out a weak power
by which I love you.
Cower beneath the hedges,
never to be seen,
I can't seem to say what I mean.
As I let go of you,
black and blue,


you drift out to sea

Subtle hairs out of place
Momentary pleading on her face
Race this heart 'til it gives out
Round and round this route
A warm sickness
A familiar thickness
Pick this carcass
Up off the road
What color is darkness
If there isn't any light to measure?
The opposite of pleasure
Is numbness
So I pick pain
Unplug the drain
Unhinge the door
I can't take this anymore.

"Draw things about relief,"
he said
(because he doesn't know I write too).

Relief--
The smell of California air,
hot eve in December.
Finding out he really does care.
Yeah right, that I don't remember.

Relief--
the end of a knife fight.
Tight pants unbuttoned
by his hands.
The last list of demands.

Relief--
a noxious pill,
the bottom of a hill,
the thing that often looks like failure.

Recoil back into the belly
Of this grief
Large. Obese. Heavy.
Cut all the fragile strings
Watch colorful kites fly away
Imagine their life in the clouds
Far away.

Take the swarm of pixels
The sting
Stretch out and look up
Let them cover
Hover
Run
see one last kite tail
Disappear behind the sun

Rusty saw blade
I hold on
Grind the dull blade
across tethers and strings and ropes
mummifying
strangling
not a cocoon like I once thought
do you feel the panic set in?
Needle ****** on your forearms
twine frays
did I ever say
that anything stays?

White satin sand,
an expanding black sea,
calloused hand,
all stark against the lonely view of galaxies.

This is the moon beach.
Where I build them rafts
and, just to teach
me a lesson, they take them away.

Since I stopped making
rafts
there is nothing left for the taking.
Which someone once said is the definition of Perfection.

Mallet resembles
or reassembles
what it broke in the first place
face it: destroy and create
fate chose to put them both in my head
bed empty. Can't stand it any other way.
Say something to me I can't see right through
To you I'm just spicy trembles
brambles
is what it feels like to me.
Sea salt and vinegar
linger like all the things he said.
Bed empty. Can't stand it any other way.
Pay in love, I keep repeating
beating blood through brain and brawn
fawn over dreams that don't make sense
fence around my heart?
Try a million gunshots
lots of pain is all I see
pots of rain is what it feels like to me.

I'm letting go
of the rope.

I'm going to watch
it slide
through the white satin sand
and sink into the water.

I'm going to memorize
the details
of the indentation it will make.

Then, I'm going to stop
building rafts
on the shore.

Then, I'll never have to watch
a sliding rope
mess up the sand
again.

Go to write.
Blank
Fan
Blades
Turn slowly. Then quick.
As the switch turns itself
Pause. Click
Send
Tying a noose to the other end

I have your
Finger prints memorized
In case you burn them off
Or commercialize
Your hazy gazing
Killing me one look at a time
So I shake off all the titles
Like coils of a snake
And take
More than I need
How can I explain
The main
Vein of slack
Golden and black?

The only light on is the bug zapper.
It's ultra violet
Is ultra violent
As Burgess might say.
You're here with me
Quivering, we lay
between a ***** sheet
Until our eyes meet
Then I know you're leaving
Me for the ultra violet light
I didn't really fight
I just watched you flutter
Clumsily charmed you mutter,
"Why can't I stay away from death?"

Then I stabbed the bug zapper
All vengeful and full of tears.
Now, there are no lights on.

"What do you want?"
He said.
"I'm really just working
on the basics,"
I replied.
Wait,
in the movies
This isn't work.

I landed on a square.
No, no, no.
A square landed on me.
He said,
"Do not pass Go
Do not collect $200."
When I laid paralyzed
On this square,
No, no, no.
Under this square.

Did the square know
It was sending me
back to the beginning?
It.
That is what he has become.
It.
The square I landed on.
No, no, no.
The square that landed on me
next to all the other thimbles and irons
turned battleships:
Sunken.

Cords stuck
To skin
Paper thin folds
Lines and numbers
Measure life
And shout as death
Steps closer now
Take off masks
Detach tubes
Check off tasks
Gasping slower
Come on
Come on
Let him run
Into the next world
Zero and lines
Straight lines
Are the final goodbye

The short stems will never do
I chronically wait for you
while tie-dying
and untying
knots
lots of people ask why
but I always lie.

Awake and asleep,
remember which?
Time is all that's changed
since we last touched.

Clutched in limbo,
between a red and yellow light
sight for sore eyes,
yet you were born blind.

I can feel your eyes:
a blast furnace red and yellow
blistering my face with your touch
pain, glorious pain,
numb smile
that part of me no longer exists*

It floated away
on a sea of sweet silence.
And I let it.

You turn the ***.

Bile collection
Right at the base of my neck
All lined up
Disgusting brown to putrid green
Cup by cup
It all tumbles out of my spine
Onto your new white t-shirt
Try to assert
A muffled apology.

I somehow ask you
Sorry about your shirt, you see?

You reply
It looks white to me.

Sudden decent
dents paint scent
into my mind.
What is this "art"?
Something stupid and contrived
derived from work-for-free
always-be-the-victim me.
I sit here with you,
towering over me like a mammoth:
ancient and urgent
itchy and crawling.
You're all I have left
and I feel sorry
for making you into garbage.

I thought by now I'd make less trash
I thought by now I'd be less trash.

He calls me a brick wall;
which is a useful thing
to be
when dealing with wolves like him.
If I weren't dead,
I would scream
that I am
not a brick wall
nor some stupid woolen lamb
I am not a trapped sardine.
I am not a broken tree limb.
But most of all,
I am not a wolf like him

He was a one-liner
Better and finer
Than all the stuff on my bed post
What feels like this the most?
Burning and slicing.
Taking my arm and dicing
Out what is trapped there.
If I take a glance, I'll stare.
Not a single glare
Through this glass, reflects.
Slimy licks become defects
And my finger prints gouge the glass
Take a pass
At me
Because I'll never be free.

Try to spit out
Your poison
Too late it's already in my veins
She's on the no apology diet
He's on the couch
I'm on the floor
Ten light years away from them
And it's lonely in space
Except when I think of your stardust
Lust and bone is just a part of us
You can't cut it away
Say that you'll stay awhile longer
Your poison makes me stronger.

I told her about what he did.

Because she doesn't know about my poetry

But you do. I think.
So where is your excuse for your surprise?
Oh, wait, here it is:
You don't read this.

I didn't look at her.

I just looked at the curled tissue in my sweaty palms.

Then she asked me what my sadness feels like.

It feels like I'm drowning,

but can see everyone else breathing.

What is making me drown?

All this weight

that I'm holding onto

thats holding onto me.

What is the heaviest thing forcing you to hold its hand?

Losing mom.

You mean the mom you never had in the first place?

Yeah, that one.

The one who was never in the crowd

when it was Mother's Day and the class was singing?

Yeah, that one.  

The one you remember searching for?

The one who you were never good enough for?

But at least she never said it like dad said it.

The one whose memory is one without you in it?

Her, doing something else:

Reading the paper on the couch,

Curling her hair,

Asking why I got a "B" and not an "A"

The one that saved you from

literally drowning at the community pool?

Yeah, that one.

How can you mourn the loss of someone you never had?

Easy, I do it every ******* day.

When will this end?

I can see the pin-***** of light ahead

the cement used to be wet sludge

and now it seems to have dried

up to my waist.

Got sick of being under my bed
So they climbed into my head
I see them around every corner
I smell them in pleasure
I taste them in pain
I hear them walking
An echoing madness
Through neuron chambers
And blood vessels
Dilating pupils spell out the fear I cannot.
Through everything I haven't forgot

monsters cannot be fought.
So don't slow down,
They might catch up.

Lanky lizards
and crusty cockroaches
are crawling in the space
between my skin and the atmosphere.
Generated by the generator
he installed just below my naval:
On-fire, they are;
Sharp, they become;
Jagged, they march.
Over and over,
slower and slower,
deeper and deeper--
A never-ending game
of ring around the rosie
I don't want to play anymore.

Part of her skull
is dented,
filled with foam.
It is where you rented,
and lived for awhile.

Uncontrolled proliferation
of cells
like rabbits
or people
destructive and useless.
That is what you are.

I gave myself
the same haircut he gave her
but since no one
understands,
I cover it with the rest of my hair,
"Hire me,
I'm normal.
No, I didn't save her hair that day."

Lies.
I memorize the texture
of the dent
of her hair
of things and spaces
that you ruined.

Did you take
her to make
me stronger?
Make me suffer a little longer?
A little harder?
Did you want me to barter?

We said,
"At least it isn't GBM."
White coat replied,
"No, because now you get to watch her die
slowly."
This isn't dying,
this is living.

Was that what you wanted to tell me?

The combustion
Of eye contact
Nearly kills me every time
Half dead
Half asleep
I'll tell you which of those promises
I can't keep
Ridges of his thumbs
Match up with the grooves
Carved in my back
Give me some slack
Let me climb down
Or up
I can't tell which is which anymore
Don't keep score
Pour out the bottle of whiskey
To keep this wound clean
Don't you see now? I never say what I mean.

Somehow
Somewhere
I found the secret
to burning the inflammable.

Someone
Some place
Found my face
Unrecognized

So they identified me
By all the scars I've made.

I am slippery,
caught, covered in blood,
mud, and bruises.
A fruit fallen from the branch,
turning sour and moldy on the ground,
not filling anyone's hunger.

I am putting needles in my infections
and affections:
a million filled balloons floating away
now a million shards of soft shrapnel.

I am picking up the wreckage:
my rotting flesh from the ground,
metal sound-- all skinny and gray
and my endless array of memories on re-play.

Came out of hiding
Salt shaker bliss riding
110 miles per hour
Converge
upon another; a surge
of hope is now upheaving
leaving grieving behind.

Grind up heart strings,
rings, and things
A powder to keep
A foul and wondrous leap
only to help
rungs like tongues
spit curses
to keep us in place.

We keep a pace:
a slow unraveling
of the road we are traveling.
Chasing heart breaks
is all it takes.
Salt shaker bliss
riding 110 miles per hour,
we did everything in our power
but still it was a hit or miss.

In my mind,
I've died a million ways
Oh my, to find
Meaning to fill the days.
Pays in coin
**** on fire,
As Plath would say.
This circumstance seems dire
Liar, it's only in your mind
Find meaning in the days
Ways that may
Teach me love
Reach above
Make me stay.

I'm always early
Like winter
And rain
And the moon
When all you want is sun.
Dad spun stories
Of how things are
Fleeting
So you might as well
Love and hate
At a similar rate
Not too much
Not too little
Just early enough
And somewhere in the middle.

I learned how to survive
By lying through my eyes
Through a teeth-bared smile
Actually a snarl
from an internal monster
Last time I checked
It isn't okay to be sad
Take a porclein mask
Paint it glad

I learned how to lie
By living in this house
Where the only way
To say
What you mean
Is through abstraction.
Truth becomes subtraction