I put on my best:
A metal vest.
"Check, check-mate"
Is the only thing I hear as of late.
Touch feels like fire.
And I am nothing but a cheap liar.
Put your best tricks on the table
I'll ignore my suspicion if I am able.

Mom was never mom.
Weakness was never weakness.
You were never you.
And we argue, is it green or is it blue?

I am slippery,
caught, covered in blood,
mud, and bruises.
A fruit fallen from the branch,
turning sour and moldy on the ground,
not filling anyone's hunger.

I am putting needles in my infections
and affections:
a million filled balloons floating away
now a million shards of soft shrapnel.

I am picking up the wreckage:
my rotting flesh from the ground,
metal sound-- all skinny and gray
and my endless array of memories on re-play.

I'm hungry but I can't even feel it
through all this thick sickness.
When it comes to anything, I'll steal it,
feel it, seal it with blue masking tape.
I gaze over at you: basking late
summer eve
and just before I leave,
I'll wrap your memory in bubbles
to myself I'll say, "Thanks for all the troubles."

I'll board a weather vane:
slim sword straight through this vein.
I shake the rein
and heave a heavy sigh.

He'll take me to the end of the universe.
Cursed love, gossip, bend and snap
whisking away like a dove at my stupid trap.
Send help.
Here, hold my white flag,
while I get off
and step into the stars.

Maybe I need to write on these walls
just a paragraph or two
of how you
don't matter
and I
don't matter.

This stupid thing in me
a monster ravenous
for my time and hands
it demands
to be heard,
tells me I'll never be cured,
and by you I'll always be allured.

Maybe that is the only way to do things
and, oh, how my little wax heart sings
softly to it.
This monster, this clawing contraption,
beats everything else down
Now, I unzip my gown.

Men and magazines
Teach
what each game means.
But I haven't had much
time
With either to know
What to do with you.

I can't seem to take
The past out of my back pocket.
Try to find
Cunning cells, exploding rocket,
Running through, constant repeating,
Instead of reading
Men and magazines.

My hands aren't long enough
To reach inside your head
Between the bed
And hands before
Not lucky enough for more
Poor, stupid girl
Sitting with that empty chair
I long to fill.
What happened?
We miss the severed valves
Of our hearts and calves
Of our carts.
We go to the market
with nothing to sell.

I wrote a message
carelessly to you,
filling your deficiencies
with notices,
"the power will be shut off."

Maybe a powerless life
has more fire
more matches.

Maybe a powerless life
goes to bed
with the sun
wrapped up in heat
sleeping soundly with solar flares
nestled into places unknown.

Maybe a powerless life
writes more letters,
watches the birds,
and can see me sitting there,
an apparition now uncovered.

I try to make
To mold the folds
Of this clay life
All buckling and slippery
Now drying too fast
And too flat from a past
Lapse in attention
Spitting water and tears
A salty glaze for a faulty fold
As the dust in the air clears,
I can see my creation
Full of empty diamonds,
And broken backs
Of mirrors.

I'm stuck in a ******* box
Wild wolves and a fox
Take their share:
One heart already, two's a pair.
As we ***** and drown,
We hear the iconic sound,
"I'll huff and puff and blow your house down."

Now we roam.
Wild boar, mouths of foam,
We scheme and look and run
Exacting revenge with a smoking gun.

I ran into the ocean
One night.
The stars shot me with bullets
Of relief.
The waves licked my ankles
Knees
Thighs
Up my body, cold and gentle,
Finally sealing my lungs
With salt
And the memory
Of how you wouldn't lay next to me.

Skin and sand
Swords that stab
Babble away at the point:
An inarticulate ***
Of
Confusion and lust
Dissatisfaction and trust
Or distrust
Or apathy
They all feel the same to me.
The floral pattern of your pillow
Is imprinted on my jawline
The last mania
The last game of trivia
The last time I felt something
Skin and sand
Are the only things I demand.

I'm scouting ahead
I'm taking back all I gave
Here, I'll stave
This off
Starve
Burn
Barge through the door
Of your poor little house
That you took from a little piggy
I keep repeating,
Wolves take their share
Somehow, you don't care
And maybe there is nothing else to bare
Bones and skin
Misshapen breast and sloppy scars
I keep repeating,
Pay in love
I scouted ahead
It seems you never heard what I said.

Hands stained
A black-purple
Dried blood of
My life
I just killed
One day
Maybe with my bare hands
Maybe with a ice pick, chilled,
Just out of the freezer.

I used to be a vase
You used to have a young face
And he used to use me
And she used to see clearly.  

Smashed
Squished
Newborn wrinkles cry.
Young
But old enough to know
To say no.
Fade out of life
Fade into death
The cinematography isn't right
Choppy transitions, patchy light,
Shade and sugar.
Yes, drug her.

I used to be a vase
Wrapped in paper, just in case.

You are sandpaper.
Polishing painfully my heart
to a fine
ball of luster.

You are a penny thrown in the fountain
A dense and worthless wish
For something called happiness.

You are the cherry on top of a mountain
Deliciously decomposing
Waiting for me to get strong enough to meet you.

You are the feather in my wing
Causing drag and crashing into the bay
Now I can't fly away.

Please unsettle
Yourself from your standards
Fifty eight
And twenty three
At the same time.
What became of you?

she won't know what to do
Because when it comes to women,
All you want is a girl
All golden curl
And too much blush
A drip with a pouty lip.

You say everyday
How much you want him to change.
When he does, you ask,
"What became of you?"
Why couldn't you tell that little girl of yours
Not to be afraid?
That things will be okay.
I still wait for that day.

They laughed at her
Standing there trembling
Like a naked and skinny calf
New born and stilted
Slanted a little to the left

I laughed along
With them
Sorry,
You're not who I thought you were
Maybe I'm not made of bronze
With golden hair
Nothing metallic
Nothing precious
Just dirt
And dust
And rust
And a black wax heart.

They laughed at her
I laughed along with them
Because there is nothing else left
Of you
Or me.

I line the pills up
white and blue:
almost patriotic.
You don't notice
my back against the wall:
a wild wolf call
for fight or flight.
I always pick flight.
Almost patriotic,
what happened to your American bite?
A helicopter hovers
over bleeding covers
and blonde news anchors
say, "its much worse then it is."
Almost patriotic
Almost pathetic
Almost an anesthetic.

Fingers reach and bend.
Please pass the paste,
because I'm on the mend.
"Make haste!"
You want to say.

Your cursive cure
on a rusty pole.
Summons full of allure
you dole
them out like pennies.

There was a structure
here at one time:
a mechanism, an aperture,
a gear, a chime.
Now, it all pounds to dust.

If you must,
push me fast over the cusp.

I put my hands
Up through the sands
Of the hourglass.
Please pass
The hammer and nail.
My burned heart strings, pale
In comparison to live
Bees in a hive
Never feeling
The sands, nor peeling
Wetlands off brain surfaces.
No, I'll take my heart strings
Put them with all the other things.
Then, I raise my hammer to the glass.
I spill out onto the shining brass.
Cold and blinded I cry,
"This out here is all a lie."

I want to numb this
Into oblivion
For ten seconds
I want to feel
That it never existed.
I want to take
A dentist syringe
Full of pink perfection
Stab into this monster
And numb it way
So it might be possible to say
Goodbye.

This thing is strangling me
This thing I can't see
But can somehow feel.
I asked him if my face looks weird
Because I can't tell
If I'm smiling or frowning
Eyes wide
Like a mad scientist

I asked him to run away with me.
We could get a little house
With a shady front yard

No
He said
Another year
he said

In another year,
My dear,
I'll be gone.

I want to swim
in the middle of the night
wade in right
up to the hem of skirt.
The names of my dates:
Lake, Pond, Stream, Sea

I want to swim
wherever nature touches me
because it touches me better
than you ever did.

He calls me a brick wall;
which is a useful thing
to be
when dealing with wolves like him.
If I weren't dead,
I would scream
that I am
not a brick wall
nor some stupid woolen lamb
I am not a trapped sardine.
I am not a broken tree limb.
But most of all,
I am not a wolf like him

My will
melted away like a popsicle
now a pool of sugar
evaporating quickly
leaving behind
some sticky stick
singing sweetly
of a thing that was once good.

My imagination crafts a new one
a few done
and alone
wooden sticks pile up
like maggots on your corpse.
You, my emotional self,
flatlined and bruised.
Nobody there to be amused.

This lace is loud--
a loudly changing mound
Stuffing the guts
Through tiny cuts
Of my bright bugs;
And your hugs
Keep them crawling.

I want to tell you.
I went to tell you.
Strange how I can
Find the words
Only when it's too late.

The bugs may
Be exterminated today.
But through the emptiness,
It's complete mess,
I try hard not to stare.
I try hard not to care.

I lay out all the tools.
The ones for breaking
And the ones for mending.
I lay out all the steps,
Try again
Forget and laugh
Destroy and rebuild
Decisions and dreams
Glue and thread
Who cares what was said?
The art is behind the couch
The drums are dusty
Guitars, rusty.
Here is my happiness,
I'll trade you for numbers
And dollar signs
And whiskey to numb it all.
Who decided this? I want to give them a call.

The only light on is the bug zapper.
It's ultra violet
Is ultra violent
As Burgess might say.
You're here with me
Quivering, we lay
between a ***** sheet
Until our eyes meet
Then I know you're leaving
Me for the ultra violet light
I didn't really fight
I just watched you flutter
Clumsily charmed you mutter,
"Why can't I stay away from death?"

Then I stabbed the bug zapper
All vengeful and full of tears.
Now, there are no lights on.

I ripped the pearls off my neck.
The string was as fragile as love.
White spheres, dozens,
roll under the couch
like my baggage--
all the stuff you wouldn't,
couldn't,
didn't,
help me carry.
How do you think I got so strong?
Wearing heavy pearls around my neck?
Bearing heavy curls around my wreck
around my sides
inside my insides?
How do you think I got so strong?
Making mistakes and being wrong.

Was I beautiful
drowning knee-deep
riding a crest, steep?
Was I beautiful
the lace of my soul
grazing
the button of my mind
gazing?
Am I beautiful
like you still are?
One single gram of one single star.

Tell me once more
Was I beautiful
once before?

Half of my face
Is scared
Is scarred
It's the part I hide
In the shadows
In the back of the room
With tint and highlight.
Ugly Textures
And those scars
I bandage
And, behold, I manage.

His charm was venom,
Fangs, and bite
Strong drinks and no fight
An easy prey
A breezy day,
Turned sour night
Taught me what isn't right.

Just venom
Makes me an untouchable ghost.
My death is what I loved the most.

Today I set
A date
For my wedding

With death.

Here, a bouquet of broken
Skyscrapers,
A pile of glass shards,
A chaotic
Entropic
Mess of a thing.
What a pity
you wasted your time
on me.
Tied with a black ribbon
Of wet tar and black candle wax,
I hand it over
You said,
"I wanted your heart."

"This is my heart."

Slanted cold rain
each drop a sharp pain
bending below umbrellas' shade
Not personally made
Paid in full-bodied wine
He drinks her away, line after line
But she is a stain
Wash, shoot, scrub, rub, remain
Slanted cold rain
Pain turns into cleansing pleasure

I am as alone
When I am with you
As I am when I am not.
Fat tears
Invisibly streaking down my face
Whiskey and lace
Pills in the cabinet, just in case
I feel like taking all of them
Because I can't look at men
Without thinking of the tricks
Slithering up their sleeves
The hearts they collect and break just for kicks
Whiskey and lace
Whimsy and taste
All the contents of me in this jar
Here, take it, I can't stand it anymore.

It is hard to write
And draw
When you're at the bottom of the sea
Fighting tooth, nail, and claw.
How can I unlock these chains without the key?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Sharks circling
Nostrils on fire:
You never knew the taste of flame
Until now, liar.
If they ever came
Then you wouldn't have all these marks
Then you wouldn't know
All the anatomy of sharks.

They say the pills have
A long half life
Like nuclear waste.
Carbon.
Dividing and dissolving
Away the sadness
Oh-so tangible
A tangerine of despair.
"Orange is the new black,"
They say

Headphones in.
Glasses on.
You: a con
bright and lustrous like the cut of a gem
coating the burgler
in wishing and
twisting of her stomach.
Because if she could hold it
just once
maybe she can justify her birth
prove her father wrong.
Life is about worth.

Black boxes.
Smell of delicate decay
like kindling first catching fire.
Pigeons bathing in the gutter
glitter and iridescent feathers
covered in the banal bile of boys,
their insides strewn on the ground.

Fire ant mound,
stepping on those was my childhood.
Coulds and woulds and shoulds
creating those is my adulthood.

In the night
People leave the streets alone
With the lamps.
yellow light clamps
onto your figure figuring which way to go.
With a hole in your jacket,
It's hard to find heat
Feet trudge through sludge
That used to be green green grass.

A distorted  lens
makes it hard to find your cast.
Got the bends
from ascending too fast.

I was drowning.
I ran out of air
while watching a flounder frowning.
He looked so sad I had to stare.

Sail away.
Raise the mast
Raise the mask
Praise the flask
All to learn:
Be careful when you go diving.

All I have right now
is youth.
And maybe a couple o' words:
A little truth.
Flexibility and time
Beer with lime
Climb
Claw
Saw
A map to a clue.
All I have right now
Is you--

They all say,
I want to get to know you
I want to be your friend
I want your trust
but you must
give it all to me by this time
this date
the date
that one date
ate all hope I could really stomach

They all say
I want to get to know you
I want to prove to me
through you
my worth.
Between you and gullible, there is no dearth.

They all say
Come to my apartment
***...

...

...

...

It is okay if you give up.

Here is your main problem
You don't smile at people
Your eyes stare wide
Like a deer in the headlights
Don't you see?
No one likes that moment
Right before collision
So close your eyes
And saw off your antlers
While you're at it,
Get out of the road.

All the girls dress
to ****.
So do I but in a far less
pleasurable way.
Holding perfectly still.
Hey, maybe you'll stay.

All the girls are in high heels.
I stopped wearing them
On the same day I quit caring if
I was the right kind of *****.

Shimmery sparkles, clean lace,
Silk, and leather
Weave them in a quivering case
Create their invisible tether.

Whiskey and wine
Bubbling up
Numbing up
Coming right up!
Girls dress to ****
And they will.

Your bed is a projection
on the wall;
A turn style slammed into my hip.
I tried to crawl under
but fell asleep instead.
Suits get off the train
and step on joints and fingernails
in the Oblivion
they drank
and worked themselves
into;
The same oblivion
that doesn't notice that the bed
is just a projection on the wall.

Bathtub overflowing
Spilling
Spitting
Spinning
Giant vortexes
Consuming the bathroom
Where a single candle burns,
Where a single candle is put out.
Where the rubber ducky floats
But then sinks.
Nothing stays afloat forever.

You want to cut
out your tongue
because your tongue seems too large
and your jaw has stretched
to a loud hammer of a feature
this makes it hard to speak.
You think to yourself,
"What good is a person who cannot speak?"
When you really want to say,
"What good is a person who cannot say anything?"

I'm circling the spongy surface of my memory,
Trying to underline the part
Where your touch became too rough
But I wanted you to pull my hair anyway.
Where you stopped wanting to touch me
But wanted me to continue touching you.
Where I am left standing alone, knee deep
In my fiery *****
As Plath would say.
A sad and broken piece of machinery
A rusty, wet tractor left in the wilderness
Asking the vines for some sort of final mercy.
I want to underline it,
So I know it was real all along.

He said, "I had a girlfriend
Who couldn't ***
SHE was SO ****** up."

I whispered, "that makes me feel
really good." I couldn't look at him.

I don't know if he got the sarcasm.
I don't know if I will get the,
No that,
Monster out of my mind.
Vines, please give me some sort of
Final mercy.