I LOVE YOU
i love you from a far
i love you from the pictures we took
i love the way we used to be when you upheld the lie

I WANT YOU
i want you near me even though i know we can't
i want you to hold me and make me feel safe again
i want the lie to be the truth

I HATE YOU
i hate you for keeping up your lie
i hate you for how hard i fell for you
i hate you for i cannot get rid of those feelings

I LOATH YOU
i loath you for still wanting to be in my life
i loath you for moving on
i loath you for all the pain you caused

this hurting i feel
is the last piece of you i get to hold close
so i know therefore that i will never get over you

i will never be the one to wake you up with a kiss
i will never know what it would be like if were able to love again
i will never know what kind of life we could have had.

I FORGIVE YOU
i forgive you for leading me on
i forgive you for loving me; for i loved you too
i forgive myself for loving you

be on time
be there
make sure he knows
tell him all the time
try not to be too clingy
try not to make a fool out of yourself
- Why is he not responding?
leave it, its probably nothing
- I am worried
about what? he is just with his friends..
- That i am too much too handle
- That i am too much of an effort for someone
- That i am not enough
- That he takes no intrest in my day
- That i do not talk to him after he finishes work
Wow, you ******
- I dont want to be
- I am afraid
- I am afraid that he will regret me
- I am afraid that he will leave
- I am afraid that he might thinks i am too needy
- I am afraid with everything i do / or say
- I am afraid he does not realize he is IT.
- At least he is for me.

something inside takes me over
in the blink of an eye
smuthering my clear thought with anxiety i cant not be freed from
my mind takes me to places where i think i did you wrong

did i?
do you not have any regrets at all?
not even a single one?
about me?

i feel alone and misunderstood
i feel as if i did or said something wrong
''Express it to me'' - you say
but expressing these terrifying thought to you
is worse then admitting that i am scared to lose you

so i cry and hope you reach out to me
after all, you said you would.
you said you missed me too but what if i read between your lines and therefore i misunderstood?

insecure as a tanktop on a 'big girl'
i feel big
I do not feel pretty nor can i understand how you could be in love with me?

the best time is when i am with you, because then my thoughts do not wonder. i feel safe and loved.
so why am i thinking this way?

Hi there,
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me

And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent

I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.

Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'

With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.

While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.

My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.

So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.

And still, I blame myself.

She feels alone in a crowd
She laughs at the wrong things
She prays to none
She listens to the voices in her head
She doesnt do meal plans
She always forgets
She never forgives
She.

This she could be you
One of these points reflect back to yourself
She is all of us
She is none of us
She is a daughter
She is a mother
She is a goddess

She is me