People tell me all the time:
"You fall in love too quickly.
You will always end up hurt."
And they are right.
But not the way they think.
I have love at first sight all the time.
But not like on the screen.
My first thought is never,
"God, I want to be with him."
Instead there is a soft, sympathetic
Piece of me
That goes out to everyone I meet.
A piece of me that would be willing
To give my beating heart to a stranger.
Because I was cursed with a love,
A love that has no reason.
And so the heartbreak
Comes not from a broken romance.
But because my heart is willing
To give itself away
And is broken to find
No one else is willing to do the same.

Fear will make you do terrifying things.

It screams and it screams
"Wait and Remember"
But never escapes my lips.
And so it screams louder and louder
Desperate to be heard
Until it leaves me
With fingers curled around my ears,
Desperate to drown out.
Too late.
She is already deaf.

I have seen artists
At the highest of highs
And I have seen artists
At the lowest of lows.
I have found
That at these lowest of lows
There are days
When the artist finds no other reason
To carry on
Save the fact that they feel
They have not created enough.
And this thought leaves them
With the fear and assurance
That if they die
They will remain dead
Forever and the day after.
And for this they carry on:
Waking and creating,
Waking and creating.
Until the day
When it is finally enough.

because we were so stupidly sincere.

We were young again.
You were the boy.
And I was the girl.
There was a garden
And we ran
And we ran
And we ran.
Barefoot.
Collecting new scratches
And thorns every time.
I stood on your feet
To reach your face
As we explored our innocence.
We were young again.
You were the boy.
And I was the girl.
There was a garden.
And everything was perfect.

A snowy everything
Or complete heat
Is the only time I feel
This awakening
From mindless sleep
And wounds that never healed.
I walk along
The power lines
No beginning and no end.
I hide my face
In dark disguise--
A stranger with no friends.
No words to me,
I have no ears.
A vagabond through space.
A desert song
That no one hears,
A pale and dusty face.
The sound of snow
The curls of heat
Bring this feeling back to me.
I hate it, still,
Do not ever leave,
Dear feeling from the sea.

You may never understand it,
But from the very first time I saw you
Before we ever spoke a word
Before we ever met
When you had only smiled at me from a distance,
I knew that from that moment on
I wanted to spend every day
Of the rest of my life
Loving you
Looking after you
Caring for you
And giving my everything
To never lose that smile.

Where would I find you?
Somewhere far from my heart.
I'm waiting here for you.
Waiting for life to start.
But no.
You were only a dream.
A fog lost in headlights,
Not what it seemed.
Come back once more.
Come back to me.
Away from the cold,
Out of the sea.
Come back my dream.
I fall asleep
Out of the streets.
Come back to me.

I shall never understand myself
And how I can sell my body
So carelessly
To a complete stranger
All in order
To feel a little bit wanted
To feel a little bit noticed
To feel a little less lonely
For fifteen minutes.

One moment
Your lips taste just like hungry kisses.
The next moment
Your lips taste like wine.
There is guilt
In your face my eye quickly dismisses
As you search
For an answer in mine.
There is distance
Between us that smells just like blood,
And a presence
I simply cannot touch.
There is a shadow
Of a daydream we once called love,
And a sense
That we hoped for too much.

I feel like I'm turned inside out
My tenderness exposed
And ready to be destroyed.
My vulnerability is shouting.
I'm naked and alone.
Wolves are clawing at my skin
Tearing me to shreds.
Skinny and bruised.
Out of breath.
Darkness folds his hand.
Walls are melting.
Nothing at all feels right.
I'll hide my face in my arms
And hope I can forget.

Because, really, who were we to think
That you and I could trick love??
Who were we to think us smarter
Than the gods who rule above??
To think that we could outrun fate
To think we would be missed.
To ignore the warnings of those much wiser
To reach for that first kiss.
To think that we were more than stars
To think of our wisdom like jewels.
Really, who were we, my darling??
You and I were fools.

Remember those endless nights
After those cutthroat days
Where your fingers had the power
To set off one hundred nerves
With a single touch, light pinch.
It was more than enough
To make those beads of sweat
Run down the backs of my legs
And my mind to say,
"You and I must be immortals."

I never dream when I am asleep.
In fact, I hardly close my eyes.
The curse upon me from my birth
Shows its face, but in disguise.
They say that I am just an artist
Destined to live post being dead.
But deep down I know the truth:
It is just a sickness in my head.

Because you said you loved me
And I believed it.
Silly me.

This time last year
You were here with me
This time last year
You and I would sleep.
Christmas this year,
A table for two filled by one.
Just my wine bottle and I,
Wondering what I've done.

I miss your thumb gently brushing my breast
Soft gentle strokes
Making goosebumps rise and prickle my body,
My spine curl with shivers.
I miss breathing in air as you whispered
"Anything. Anything to feel your heartbeat
On my hands."

Today while cleaning out my closet
I found a small piece of you
A worn out flannel, frayed and tattered
Of both a red and black-ish hue.
For a moment I only held it
My mind emptier than hell.
Then as I stared at the void of my wall
My nose filled with your smell--
Stale cigarettes and spearmint gum
A taste on my tongue forgotten.
My mouth now dry, my lips curled in
My tongue now the taste of cotton.
I miss your touch, I miss your shoulder
I miss the whisper of your voice.
But then the whispers ceased, the blood began
And these days I drown in silent noise.
Today while cleaning out my closet
I found your shirt and pulled it on.
I lit a smoke, refreshed your scent
And faced the fact you are gone.

I can do one night stands,
And I can do ever afters.
But this in between you wish for
This thing you call "relationship"
Makes me cringe and shut my eyes.

At night I feel my heart breaking
As the space between us in bed
Grows further and sickeningly colder,
The truth now exposed and spread.
Tomorrow morning one of us will rise
Before the other knows it is day.
We will both be in the same room
Yet somehow miles away.
And at night we will do it all over,
Starting at the end of the day.
Both of us on either edges of the bed
Wondering why in the world we stay.

Some days I look at you and I
And realize that I
Will never be more to you
Than ten painted fingernails
Two smooth legs
One hundred thousand wavy locks
A pair of red hot lips
And one body to touch.
I think that one day
You will find a girl to love.
To really, really love.
You will find a girl to love
And leave me alone in your room.
And who am I to be offended??

Never again will I ever write
A single love poem for you.
Never again will a paper or a thought
Be dedicated to you.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Never again will I hear "forever"
And follow with a thought of you.
Never again will I paint lovers in rain
And picture them me and you.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Never again when the phone rings
Will I hope that it is you.
Never again will I close my eyes
And sleep with dreams of you.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Never again will I ever love
The way that I loved you.
Never again will I ever want
Anyone but you.
I loved you.

Logically, we knew it would fail,
But who thinks logically when in love?
The possibility that we might **** each other
Was not what we were thinking of.
We were warned, yes, countless times
That two artists could not be lovers.
But you fit me, and I fit you
When we hid underneath the covers.
Both obsessed and both with tempers,
You and I competed with our passions.
Both with desires to be more perfect,
Our love was but a distraction.
Our fights would end with kisses,
Our kisses would end with fights.
We went from loving to shouting
Switching out every other night.
Our last fight, do you remember?
We scattered garbage across the floor.
You slapped my cheek, I hit your chest,
And you headed for the door.
But before you made it to the street,
You turned around and grabbed my face.
You kissed my mouth, just once, but hard,
Then were gone without a trace.
Logically, we knew it would fail,
But we did it anyway.
We thought we could trick love,
Be the ones to get away.
Escape the fate that beheld us,
Be the exception to reality.
All the pain we could have spared us
If we had managed to think logically.

Come to the cemetery once again
And read poetry with me.
The only place where we have found
The slightest bit of peace.
The world outside is far too loud
And too terribly unkind.
So sit here on this tombstone with me
And find something we might find.
The crows all sing their shrieking songs
To the dead souls resting here.
And we, their only breathing guests,
We read Whitman and Shakespeare.
The stones we labor are cold and hard
Just like the world outside we see.
So come to the cemetery once again
And read poetry with me.

Peace will turn to violence.
Rolls of thunder into silence.
As winter turns to spring
And beggars into kings,
So will babies turn to men
And buildings from the land.
Even lovers shall turn to strangers
With the passing of winds of changes.

I am Wet and Cold.
I am Cold and Wet.
On weekly nights like these,
It seems that is all I get.
I shiver as rain drips down
From my neck onto my back.
My head down, all I see
Is the street--a shiny black.
My hair sticks so tightly,
Like a lover, clinging to my face.
Is it possible for me to find
A more disappointingly lonely place?
These walks back home, I know,
Are slowly killing me,
With rain and rust surrounding
As all I ever see.
I made it to the bridge somehow
To watch water touch itself.
I cannot seem to comprehend
How my life became this hell.
My feet dangle over the edge,
My elbows rest upon my knees.
The cold ice in my chest
I fear, just might make me freeze.
I jump without a second thought
To the river down below.
Just as I hoped, it only gets warmer
The further down I go.

The other day I stood
On the outside of the crowd
As I often find myself
In rooms that get too loud.
Everyone pushed and shoved
To get a closer view
Of the newborn baby boy
Who had now reached week two.
I wondered what it was
About a baby that brought charm.
Why everyone fought for a chance
To have him in their arms.
Remember when we were born
No one told us what to be
Not a word about what to say
We were completely free.
Untainted and uninfluenced--
Not robots of this world
Pure and fresh and vulnerable
Just us baby boys and girls.
Naked, raw, we were only skin
And one heart beating strong.
In our first few minutes we became
Who we should be all along.
Unharmed and still untouched,
We lived with only love in us to give.
No one had told us no
So we had all will to live.
Remember when we were babes?
All soft and sweet and magical.
It makes me wonder what happened.
Because, God, we were so beautiful.

Dance with me, dearest death.
Sweep me off my feet.
Dance with me, darling death.
Pull us cheek to cheek.
You take the lead, and I will follow
Matching my feet with yours.
Through the halls, into ballrooms
On a night time tour of dance floors.
Dance with me, dearest death.
Hold me by the waist.
Dance with me, darling death.
Your chest warm on my face.
See my dress flow like river water,
As you take my finger for a twirl.
In shadows of the rooms we dance
In dips and curves and curls.
Dance with me, dearest death.
Press me against your skin.
Dance with me, darling death.
Meet the flesh above my chin.
And when the night is finally over
I beg, take me home with you.
Into bed you and I will crawl
For a night I will not make through.

I woke up at an ungodly hour
In search of my papers past.
And while reading them, to my dismay
Came the harsh realization at last,
That all the words I ever wrote
Have all been written in vain.
For when I wrote, it was in desire
For money, for ***, and for fame.
Have I lied to myself all these years
That I wrote because I loved it so much?
Or was it my desire for the lifestyle of an artist
That I longed for and wanted to touch?
And now, I'm in tears for I'm overwhelmed
With an alarming weight of guilt.
For who is to blame except myself
For the pain of this hell I've built?
I no longer want what I know I want
But now I long for the things I hate.
It's somewhere deep down, but I cannot find
The desire to write and create.
I've tainted myself with false intentions.
I've branded myself with lies.
So take away my pens, all my papers--
I'm sick of living in disguise.

I weep over my tendencies
And this future of mine.
Inevitably a drunken wreck
In five or ten years time.
This is not who I wished
Or ever thought I would become
A woman so dependent
On her whiskey and ***.
The poor children in this film
Are weeping for their father.
And soon his drunken state
Ruins his wife and daughters.
But the soul my heart goes out to
Is in fact the drunken one,
For I knew that he could never win
Once the war had begun.
I myself feel his pain
And i wish there was a way
To rid me of this vile disease
Before it seals my fate.
But could there be a way
To rid the artist from my bones?
To take away the way
My soul weeps and groans?
I fear my fate is sealed
And I cannot stop the storm
From raining over me
'Til I find myself conformed
To the stereotypes of artists
And who we're doomed to be.
So for my future, I tell you,
I moan and wail and weep.
I anguish over my tendencies
I fear this future of mine.
But most of all, I weep for the day
I first discovered wine.