I loved him more than was allowed
More than whatever was acceptable.
And though I tried to suppress it,
I had no shame in this love.
Should I ever feel guilty
For learning how to love so genuinely?
So selflessly?
Few times had I done it before.
I do believe I loved you.
I do believe I did.

I despise you and my love for you,
For a love like this can not be true.
Infatuated by you,
As I should no longer be,
Yet I would die for you,
You just as my friend.
I resent you and everything that you are,
Every kiss I want to place on each of your scars,
The things that I hate,
Have me dreaming at night,
And it is only you
I will have at life's end.
I refuse to believe our love could be real,
Everything I know, everything I feel,
Could it all be true?
Or is it just a game?
I love you, my darling,
I can not pretend.
I can not find a thing that keeps you in my heart,
But I know that nothing could ever keep us apart.
I love you, like heaven,
Like what I could not see,
You are my world,
Until our bones descend.

Fall into these arms,
My darling.
Rest your head on my chest.
Never mind the words you spoke
That hurt me so,
I am aware of only your pain.
Under my breath
I repeat the prayer
For God to take it from you
And lay it on my shoulders,
To allow you silence of mind
For just a few moments.
Close your eyes now,
My sweetest.
There is no one left.
Just you and I
In a night of still darkness.
Fall asleep now
On my breast
And be still,
Be still,
As I breathe you in
And you breath in I,
In a long-waited quiet calm,
With nothing but two hearts beating,
And one broken soul.

Was loving you
Intended to be
The thing
To make me happy?
Or was it only
A reassurance
That I
Was still able
To feel?

I waited in agony
For years to be yours.
I waited in pain
For the day I could love you
Without loving from a distance.
But no one told me
That loving you
Would hurt just as badly
As when I could not.

You hurt me
More than you realize,
And I love you
More than you will ever know.