I want to remain humble and true to where I came from.
But I also want to be free.

I want to cherish the tight bond of an old-fashioned family.
But my heart also sings for a life left alone.

I want that cozy gathering, my elderly grandmother's words, my fussy older cousins being the sisters I never had, the uncle greeting me warmly..

But I don't want to water myself down.
To have to swallow a misogynistic comment.
To be put down as a woman, one that should know her place as a follower.
To marry to gain respect and worth,
Rather than to marry out of love.

I want roaming around foreign streets,
Maybe with a scarf and maybe without,
Maybe with a man whose mind will make love to mine.
I want a full career and pursuits.
Never a settlement, playing out the life which is not mine.

I belong to two worlds, and my heart and my mind fight for both:
The one of my origin, and,
The window of privilege I was born into.

I'm two very different women, Shallow and Deep.
Shallow pretends Deep doesn't exist.
She wishes she could be her true self. Without Deep locked up inside, straining for truth.
Shallow lives red lips and pretty heels, and material motivations.
She says the right things, and knows all the rules.
She pays attention to societal regulations, that would shame Deep.
She wins at people-pleasing.
Shallow counts the number of dates and almonds she eats, and the particles on her skin.
She trims her hair at the start of the lunar month and covers up to her audience's desires.

Deep is a whole other woman.
Held captive by Shallow, so as not to disrupt her beautiful surface life.
Deep would cause chaos if let out.
She'd ruin family relationships.
She'd destroy privilege.
Shallow knows Deep has no place in this life.
She'd leave them free, but stranded.
No where to go, no one to love.

And so they both live on: Shallow on the surface, Deep buried inside.
Until one day, perhaps...

You took my innocence, and I don't know how to feel about that.
Not the innocence of my body,
But the innocence of my heart.
A heart that had never heard such words of love,
Such words of praise,
Such words of flatter
From a man of great success,
A man ahead of my years,
A man whose tongue rippled with words of romance firing up my soul,
Rippled with words of wisdom,
So that I fell in love with his brain,
So that I mentally opened my legs
For his love,
his child,
his being.

How can I practice resilience when resilience reminds me of you?

This is the kind of lonely night that sparks my anxiety.
The kind of night that makes me miss him even more, because I'm not sure if I have my friends either.
The kind of night where the lack of bond my family shares feels more pronounced. No one talks to each other, nor spends time with one another.
The kind of night where I feel like a fraud among the love of cousins and relatives.
The kind of night where my materialistic goals and personal ambitions make me even lonelier.
As if they highlight the lack of love.
As if personal achievements are going to cuddle and make love to me.
As if beautiful things are going to cradle my heart and tingle my being.
The kind of night where I realize the void I try to fill.
Tonight is one of those nights.

Sometimes I feel...like God was protecting you,
from my impure soul,
my hypocrisy,
my weak faith.

Sometimes I feel...that it is not I who deserves better,
it is you..
A better woman, a better mother to your children.
One who will instill the teachings of our religion better than I ever could.

Sometimes I feel...
That it is only fair I don't get to be with you.
For good women are for good men...and I fear that, that is not what I am.