Is it summer or is it spring will it rain or
Will the sun continue to kiss my long torso and petit feet?
Storms always seem to blow over in the Midwest as a dog bounces right past me, gives me a look and goes completely, merrily on his way. He doesn't seem to concerned about the weather.
Nor, should I be. I am going to stay put and ignore the neighbor. He dying to talk to me and I won't even lift my head to see the noise he makes in hope of a turn
He'll never receive the bone he is looking for, this dog on a mission his fur all and wet from a swim. His ears floppy and tail short if he comes by again and gives me a wink, I'll know the coast is clear from whatever task is complete.
  My book is in the car which isn't terribly far but to leave my seat and get on my feet seems like such a chore when the wind is blowing my hair and my green tea can cold a pack of cigs and I think I'm already gold. The book can wait, it's taking a twist Maria doesn't seemed too concerned about her lovers death but consumed by the clandestine love affairs when all the glares she thought were hers were now shared with a shoebox full of letters, cards and daring pictures along aside gift cigars.
The lake is calm I'm happy I'm here rather than the busy streets where I'm always on the go but instead I can kick back and enjoy taking it slow.

Trying to understand why thing seem so important
trying to understand the pressure raining down on me like soft leaves falling onto crisp green grass
trying to figure out why some beats stick in my head all night while they come and go and flow when
I'm least trying to hear music
I'm trying to break the glass ceiling that I didn't know was placed over my head within a matter of minutes
I'm trying to become better at taking deep breaths when I can't breathe or feel
I'm trying to get better at answering him when he says, "baby, talk to me"
most of the time, I can't say the awful things I'm thinking out loud more or less scared to say the things that I would need to lean on someone whom might not want to listen to the *******.
Its so hard to need someone
Its easy to be alone.
Its easy to be with yourself
wrapped up, lost in yourself.
I'm trying everyday to be better.
Better than yesterday better than a few minutes ago
with every giggle that's released
or
cig, i know i shouldn't smoke
Im trying to take one last puff
think more of how to say things
and to love with all of my heart
so, I don't have to try.

I'm taking this writing class...
I never want to revise my work.
I'm writing a novel...
Its slowly killing me
mocking me
laughing loudly in my head almost as if I'll be writing it until I'm dead
or it kills me
which isn't true at all
All I need to do is buckle down but I can't
I made a homemade ant killer
**** doesn't work.
there are ants everyone
and my older male next store neighbor forest green shorts are way too short.
gross.
Ants are still everywhere.
And, I still haven't written anything.
Go me.

At the range , my hand is cut
Im still smoking squares
I watch the smoke drift off
I wrap my lips around for another hit
I know I should quit
I know I should
Keep playing golf
I like the swift sound the club makes off the tee
My hips facing out
My bare feet in the grass
My arms heavy
My irons new
My driver ****** me as if I was glued
To the glove, slicing my swing
Three years working only with my seven and the club that breaks
When I graduated college, I didn't walk
I only received a call my name was announced
Booming over my peers
I walked to the next tee
**** university all I care about is this par three
My cousin shook my hand
"You did it"
College was nothing, drunk walks, kisses and *****, long classes, tree, rolling rock, jamming, working, best friends, exams.
Golf on the other hand is none of that
And I cant get a break.

I slept. I woke up early. I got ready for my day early too.
I slept in my clothes, hair done and makeup too.
I had plans for the library and to wash the car, but i did nothing
I slept
I had dreams of things ill never remember.
I had dreams of things ill never relive
I had much needed sleep ill never give.
And then i met him and went to the doctors
Where i was treated out of taste
"Did he at least make you ***?" Says my doctor
His tongue hanging out
Hes going back to teaching
His divorce on the rise
I told him nothing only moved my head thinking to myself the unprofessional words he said
When my appointment was over and it was time to go
He said if things dont work out with my fiancee
To let him know.
Today I slept and the world still went by
Looking out the car window watching the trees fly by.
Here comes the crisp of night.
Im wrapped up with my love
Protected and safe
Away from inappropriate doctors
Away from the chores I put off
Tomorrows already here
And Im rested to go
Time to sleep and forget about yesterday woes.

Mouth dry no more ***
Hands shake midnight sky.
Distance high smiles cry.

Today has been long. Alot of driving alot of talking and a lot more thinking.
Getting lost thinking in lost places rather than the road ahead.
Sometimes its just nice to get lost in your own head.
I need to write I need to feel.
I havent been doing any of that.
With the cold windy day. No sun
Everything is green and air is fresh, street calm.
The rush and bust of a city ringing..sweet reminders.
Of whats out there and whats ahead.