When I first saw you, I would have never thought I would love you this much.
Remember when I saw you in the park, it was the first craziest thing I have ever done in my life. I remember my heart beating so loud as I leave the house heading to the park afraid that someone would expose me.
I remember it was too dark, I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans and a tank top.
I was shivering although it wasn't too cold.
When I saw you, I felt the moment freezed somehow. I remember, it was the first time you hugged me so tight that I could hear your heart beat, or maybe it was mine, I don't even know. I remember how you did not care about anyone around us, it almost felt like we were alone in their. Remember how it was the first time I kissed your hands? You were pulling them away from, as if it was violating your dignity. I remember I did it without even thinking about it. Remember when you kissed me for the very first time? Remember how you did not look right or left, not caring about the place and the people? Rememeber how it felt... It took me away from myself.. I don't remember how did you feel after that.. but I remember how I was so childish and almost felt embarrased all the time after. I miss my old self. The one who loved you "unconditionally".. The one who trusted you in not leaving.. Remember how safe it was when I was with you? I miss it. I miss being safe. I miss placing my head on your shoulders. I miss feeling secure with you, as if you were protecting me from any harm. I miss the person I loved with all my heart without even thinking if what I was doing is right or wrong. Before I close my eyes to sleep, I remember all of these memories which are living in me. Your touch, warmth, smell and love... I can never look pass them.. Even after a hundred years.. You taught me what the word "love" means. You made me feel loved, you cared for me like I was your daughter...
and now I should forget all of that, I should hate you.. I shouldn't remember any of it.. How sad it is that love is fading after years of great memories..

I officially hate you,
more than I have ever done in my life.
I hope it satisfies you enough,
now you have a reason to not come back for real.
Now you should just go away from me..
Now only I realized for real, I don't think I will ever give you other chances.
And I am not sorry about it, at all.


I just hope I can sleep peacefully away from your ****.

You did every possible thing to make me give up.
I am so happy for you, you did it, you succeeded.
I am no more waiting for you.
I deleted you pictures (new/old)
I threw your gifts away, firstly, your watch which I don't want to wear anymore.
I blocked you, with enough courage.
I no longer will go after you like a kid.
You will no longer have a doll and game to play with.
It's time I get what I deserve from a specific person who would die to have me.
I am no longer in your prison. NO!
I've had enough of you!!!! ENOUGH!!!
I am not looking back this time.
I will not say oh I might regret this if you died or I died.
I will not say Allah won't accept us tearing ourselves apart.
I won't BEG you or anyone to be in my life.
I will not ask, wait, check over your tweets, check over you!!  I WILL NOT!!

May Allah heal my heart and replace my torture with unexpected happiness.

3:35am.
I did it.
I left you.

I am feeling sick of your **** and just waiting for no reason.
And I should probably just give up, today.
I should start from today.
I should just leave you behind.
I should convince my heart to do so.
My heart, listen..
(She is not coming back, she is not the same person you knew before, she is not the person you loved.. Just leave her.. She is not coming back and if she came back she will control you. She will make you live in hell. She will order you on purpose to do things you cannot do or accept. She will use her force.. She will never listen to you and she will leave again & again & again..  Little heart, you cannot tolerate all of this from her, you don't need to erase her, just FORGET, force yourself to do so, think less and give up.. Let her go, little heart.. Let her go. She is not meant to be for you... She is not herself.. She is someone you don't know.. Please little heart just listen to myself's brain.. Just stop torturing the soft you.. She is not your love anymore, she is just a stranger, she left you in minutes, she broke your heart millions times, she made myself feel like **** and not worthy.. Why do you hold on? Let her go...)
3:27am.

It's too warm here..
Or maybe my heart is too warm and overwhelmed.
I can't believe you can just delete me from your life in seconds..
I am so stupid to have hope.
I am so stupid to be this weak.
I am so stupid to cry.
I am so stupid to call you a hundred times a day when I actually know you would never pick up.
I am so stupid to write for someone who takes my words as an act of begging you to come back.
I am so stupid to believe in you and trust you with my life..
I am not only stupid, I am a ******* weak kid, like you always say. Yes, remember when you told me I am kid, remember when you used to repeat this word several times just to make me feel like so. Yes I am kid because I believed in you. Be happy, you're so right in every word.
Yes I ruined your life.
Yes I ruined my life which is more important that yours.
Yes I ruined my heart which was filled with alot of people before you and now its so empty.
I need to remind myself.
I need to hate you so ******* much!!! I need to!!
I wish I succeed in hating you.. At least I will feel free from your prison..
Hating you will **** the hope..
It will make me happy..
It will make me stop worry about you..
I need to hate every word, every touch, every kiss, every smile, every getaway and everything that reminds me of you.
I need to throw your watch away.
I need to throw the gifts you constantly give me.
I need to throw the necklaces, bracelets, gift cards...
I need to throw the bottles of waters I always collect of days of us going out together.
I need to throw my pillow that you once placed your head on.
I need to stop imagining you walking around my room.
I need to stop from getting into my car and driving half way to your place.
I need to stop thinking of reaching you.
I need to stop styling my hair the way you like, watching the series you watch, listening to what you listen..
I need to live one day without thinking of you, what you did, where did you go, what did you eat and if you put on your car belt..
I need to sleep peacefully without imagining scenarios of you being around me.
I need to stop imagining what would you do if I came to your place, or if I saw you somewhere.
I need to stop crying whenever I write or think of you.
I need to betray you.. I need to love someone else, I need my heart to beat for another.
I need to stop loving you now and forever.. near or from distance..
That's all what I need.
That's what I am keeping in my heart.
That's what I cannot do because of the ****** hope I have.
That's what you're supposed to do, you need to make me hate you.
If you love me enough, let me hate you..
Let me be free.