I don't want to be a person that is constructed by you. I want to be myself.
Is that so hard for you to accept?

You expect me to be your doll, the person that you can easily construct and take control of.
I am not that kid anymore.
I am not the love of your life that you can **** at any moment.
I am not that old little kind hearted person who used to apologize a million times and for no reason.

I don't know what to do anymore...

11:44pm.
I am waiting.
I just loathe the pain you insert in my heart.
I am the busiest person yet I find time to **** myself with the memories you leave for me.
I maybe hurt you,
but it's because I am hurt too.
That's something you will never understand.
You expect me to be the angel when you come back. Yet you will never understand that while you changed, I changed too.


I am dying.
This is the best phrase that can describe what I feel.
I am not anymore feeling that you are actually torturing me.
I don't feel you're going away and coming back in a blink of an eye just to play with my heart.
In fact, I remind myself of the torture, yet I convince myself that you have a pure heart that truly cares for me.

Why me?
Why?
Why should "myself" be so weak?
Why should "myself" be so lenient and easy with your torture?
Why am I so ******* "myself"?
Why can't I just "HATE" you?
Why can't God almighty make me "HATE" you?
WHY!!!!
Why can't I convine myself that you don't deserve me?
YOU DON'T.
YOU DON'T DESERVE ME.
WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND THAT!!!

I don't want to cry over you..
I don't want to wait for you..
I want to stop loving you..
I don't want to care, worry or do anything..
I want to LIVE.
Just LIVE.
I want to erase all memories.
I want to be unfaithful of you ONLY FOR ONCE.

How are you living happily without me?
How can you keep yourself away from talking to me?
I have so many things to pour out.
I have so many things to write about, for you.
I have so many things unsaid to be said.
and I miss you.
and I missed how I used to talk to you without being afraid..
I talk to you now while shaking.
I can't believe you're here.
and I can't believe you hate me.

To talk to you?
Or to love you from distance and silently?
Shall I just pretend that I am sorry while you're the one who insulted?
Or shall I wait for you to apologize?
Shall I just forgive every thing you did without talking? or Shall I wait for my dignity to be returned by you?
I don't even know if I am happy or sad that you aknowledged me. I don't even know what I should do. I am just sitting between people feeling paranoid.. I am slowly having a panic attack and I cannot even stop the pain in my heart to flow in my body...

I don't care about the words I write, as long as I am faithful that you won't leave me alone. As long as I know you are reading and you are coming back. I am sure you will.
You will never leave me because you love me, maybe you lov(ed) me, but at least you did.
You will not tolerate me for not being around, at least that's what I believe in every single day.
In my mind, you are still the same and you haven't change a bit. You are still the little girl I first saw in a shopping mall, while not wearing my lenses, where I don't remember your features except your eyes which caught mine and my heart... I was an actual kid who had a very innocent heart that I maybe not have now but I still love you the same. Babe, I still love you the same.

I wish you have great days without me being around..
I wish I had super powers to reach you and tell you how much I miss you..
Days pass by,
and I feel more numb than the day before.
Although I am still waiting, I have a feeling I might give up any moment.
I wish, you were so near..
I wish, you stop making me lose hope, call me, or even text me.

You are killing me
(slowly)