the day
you were born
was really just
a death sentence.
the day
i met her
was really just
the beginning

...of everything.

roses are red and violets are violet
...let us never forget that.

last spring,
in firenze,
i met a girl -
we'll call her julia
(because that's her name) -
this one strange night
behind a secret bakery
that's open at midnight.
i was standing
on a small street
in italy
surrounded
by drunken chaos,
the smell of pastries,
and beauty.
how will i ever
forget her?
why would i ever
even try?

do not read
my poems
if you will not
read me.

i jumped
from a bridge
and woke up
in the hospital.
apparently
the "DNR"
i wrote
in marker
on my chest
had washed away.
or maybe
they had washed
it away.
i left a note
and it said
"do not read"
as if
anyone
could ever
resist such
an invitation.
and all i wrote
inside was:
"what did
i tell you?"

["i love you."
that is what
*i told you.]

stop.
breathe.
slow.
leeee.

my heart races as i watch your gentle paces but everything you do seems gentle and every time i see you it's monumental because my mind moves so fast it even falls behind itself as if a thousand thoughts are moving, but with stealth, because as i see you walking by, each second seems to beckon a thousand more thoughts, leaving me a thousand times more fraught with emotions i never do process, yet in acknowledging this i have made progress, progress that will undoubtedly be undone by some internal battle that remains unwon and unlost, a stalemate between two sides fighting for the same thing, my hands stuck to my face like a magnet to a steel plate, two things uniting oppositely charged particles, as my brain continues to write this long, boring, hopeless article, understanding that as you walk away, the feeling doesn't stay... and everything.... slows..... down...... in....... the........ worst......... kind.......... of........... way............

don't.
leave.
love.
meeee.

she leaned on my shoulder once and in that
moment i knew we loved each other more
than those around us could perceive.  but that
is often the way it should be.  i think

i gave her that hoodie in an attempt
to hug her even when i'm not there. and
although i fear the world may be too cold,
i will not stop trying to keep her warm.

i think
i once read
salvador dalí
dreamed of worlds
full of divine creatures
that fell from the sky like
comets falling from the heavens.
and in his dreams, these creatures
appeared to be different from others.
they reflected a new beauty, a new way
to see the world.  and although he attempted
to create art so that others could see what he saw,
many thought that he was a madman.  many thought
that he was seeing a world that didn't exist; that couldn't --
but if you see it, who are we to say it doesn't exist; who are we?
salvador dalí once claimed to be both an anarchist and a monarchist.
i like to believe this is possible...if one believes in a world full of kings.
people probably thought dalí was viewing the world through drug-filled eyes,
but dock ellis pitched his one and only no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.
dalí saw, and created, surrealism because there is no other way to see and create the world.
but dock ellis pitched his one and only no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.
people probably thought dalí was viewing the world through drug-filled eyes,
i like to believe this is possible...if one believes in a world full of kings.
salvador dalí once claimed to be both an anarchist and a monarchist.
but if you see it, who are we to say it doesn't exist; who are we?
that he was seeing a world that didn't exist; that couldn't --
many thought that he was a madman.  many thought
to create art so that others could see what he saw,
to see the world.  and although he attempted
they reflected a new beauty, a new way
appeared to be different from others.
and in his dreams, these creatures
comets falling from the heavens.
that fell from the sky like
full of divine creatures
dreamed of worlds
salvador dalí
i once read
i think

close your eyes, and perhaps in doing so,
you will dream a dream never dreamt before.
in this dreamt world there are insects that glow,
and language that won't make sense anymore.
with very strange phrases like "civil war,"
and even stranger like "life after death."
there will be giant metal birds that soar,
people underwater not holding breath.
they will call it the land of the free, with
stories of black men given syphilis.
and these stories are labeled fact, not myth,
but still something historians will miss.

of course, this all seems unlikely to me.
now open your eyes, tell me what you see.

i remember the afternoon i thought i would die.
i remember the sun shining on our faces as we lay on the concrete.
i remember thanking the sun for making you so happy.
i remember the slow dance our bodies did to follow the sunlight.
i remember the music playing between us.
i remember falling off-beat every so often and finding a new place to regain our rhythm.
i remember the stares from strangers as they witnessed this beautiful sequence.
i remember ignoring the outside world and yet feeling more connected to it than ever before.
i remember wanting to hold you, but being happy just to stare.
i remember the flow of your hair and, when i was close enough, the smell.
i remember the curve of your ear, your nose, your neck.
i remember the simplicity of life in that moment.
i remember wanting to never leave that place.
i remember knowing that we had already left the place i wanted to stay.
i remember time and space continuing to move us away from it.
i remember the light fading, never to return.
i remember my passion growing, always to remain.
i remember my life passing before my eyes.
i remember staring at you and feeling all of the world's beauty in a single moment.
i remember the world collapsing on itself.

this much i know:
scar tissue protects us from pain.
it protects us from pleasure too.
for who would want to love
when loving someone can be so painful?
when falling from the peak of pleasure
can feel more painful
than never having it to begin with.
i know you've held the whole world
in your hands.
and i know you've been burned
by its core.
i know you've been scarred
but i know you haven't lost all sensation.
and i know you see my open hands
offering you a new world.
and yes, i know...
you don't believe what i'm saying.
but you will.
you will.
no matter how deep
your heart is buried,
my love will be the shovel.

it's ridiculous that we say "bless you" when you sneeze and not when you cough.  i'm pretty sure coughing is a sign of a much more grave illness.  when is the last time someone died from sneezing?  (june 24th, 2006 -- anthony dean rice)  it's ridiculous that dock ellis pitched his one and only career no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.  i wonder how often he dosed before games.  it's ridiculous that being hit by my father has turned me into more of a pacifist than i ever thought possible.  it's ridiculous how much someone can love a man that made him or her feel more physical pain than anyone ever has.  it's ridiculous that being family allows you this nearly unconditional love.  it's ridiculous that my goal has been to love everyone unconditionally.  it's ridiculous how hard this truly is.  it's ridiculous that people cite the holy bible as evidence for why homosexuality is "unnatural" and yet fail to recall that eating shellfish is an abomination.  it's ridiculous that anyone can be against the marriage of two loving people of the same gender while having no problem with laws that allow marriage between a convicted child molester and a person who cheated on his or her first three spouses.  it's ridiculous that i even have to point that out.  it's ridiculous that michael phelps lost more endorsements after being photographed smoking marijuana than he did after pleading guilty to driving while impaired.  it's ridiculous that driving drunk, hopping a curb, and hitting a mother walking home can earn you 20 years in prison while driving drunk, hopping a curb, and hitting a mailbox will only earn you 2 days in jail, 3 years probation, and a fine.  the only difference is one person had better luck -- both were still driving while intoxicated.  it's ridiculous that i was born into such a loving family.  why do i deserve such favorable moral luck?  it's ridiculous that people don't seem to understand that borders on a map are just lines...not  lines indicating some moral difference; not lines indicating you are worth more than the person in the country across the globe; not lines indicating that we matter and they don't...they're just lines.  it's ridiculous that i walk around with my eyes closed for no apparent reason.  it's ridiculous that i fell and got a concussion while trying to jump over a sign.  it's ridiculous that this hasn't stopped me from continuing to jump over almost anything in my path.  it's ridiculous that i was so confused after hitting my head that i cried and had to sit still and wait for my friends to find me because i didn't know what day it was or where i was.  it's ridiculous that the last time i cried out of confusion was when i was four and the elevator doors closed before my mom realized that i hadn't followed her out of the elevator.  it's ridiculous that i can fall in love with your smell...even when you haven't showered for a few days.  it's ridiculous that i feel a strange sensation in my right hand when i am exposed to a beauty i know i can't have.  it's ridiculous that i feel that when i am around you.  it's ridiculous that you are so beautiful it makes my heart feel like it just might explode.  it's ridiculous that i have no doubt that giving you everything would be the best decision i ever made.  it's an easy gamble to make because i know you would give me more than i ever started with.  it's ridiculous that you move my heart more than anyone ever has.  it's ridiculous that you become infused into every aspect of my life.  it's ridiculous that this began as a letter to anyone and turned into a letter to only one.  it's ridiculous that some people reading this still think i am listing things worthy of ridicule.  perhaps these things are all still absurd...but i have stopped laughing.  it's ridiculous that even with a broken heart, i will never stop loving people.  it's ridiculous that anyone would even think i could.

i sometimes wonder what a just punishment for suicide would be.
some might believe it's hell but that seems too cruel.
some might believe it's heaven but that seems too kind.
i have no belief on the matter but still i wonder.
and although i am no arbiter on the issue,
i have decided on what that punishment should be.
when people take their own life,
they should wake up to a world that remains unchanged.
a world with all of their problems,
and all of their pain;
a world where they are forced to continue living.
hell would be too expected,
heaven would be too rewarding.
but wouldn't it be both cruel and kind to give them another chance?
they may not want it,
but they would learn from it.
and that should be the goal of any punishment.

*deep down, that will be what i hope for when i jump.

she steps into her cocoon;
a small, dark room of her own construction.
she begins a slow transformation;
creating beauty in ways no one thought possible.
she seems full of madness;
but unexplained madness is the story of our universe.
she paints and is painted;
the darkness of her life is no barrier.
she has finally created something divine;
and then -- light!

simplicity,
in the city that isn't a city,
in the life you wish to live, but don't,
in the moments that seem far longer than they actually are.

gravity,
in the air, the weightless air,
in the physics of everything, even love,
in the way you are held to the world only by what you feel.

if i were to hand you
a green stem,
would you believe that
a flower could bloom from it?
there are stars
that burn so brightly
from so far away
that even when they die,
there will still be light
reaching us
from years in the past.
would you believe
that's how big the world is?
and yet you -
you are the one
who fills me with wonder.

i once wrote
"with you, oxygen turns to gold.
and i know in my heart
that all this beauty is worth the weight."
did i really know
what those words meant?

i once dreamt
that i lived on a farm
and i fed the cows strawberries,
hoping to make strawberry milk.
did i really know
what dreams were made of?

i once loved
a girl with ocean-eyes.
and, of course,
i love her still.
did i really know
the weight of the sun?