When I think of you
I think of feeling your skin pressed firmly against me
I tease your lips with the promise of a kiss as I close my eyes in the silence surrounding us
We are intimately close and I need this feeling so bad
But I know it'll never happen because it already did and you're dead to me
Rest in pieces

I am here to steal your loneliness away
I know the pain all to well
I'll give you my hand and you can give me your hell
I'll change everything for you
I know emptiness  comes from going nowhere and knowing no one
truly we all hide behind masks whether we admit it or not
these white lies are still lies and it is torture to call out and hear only your own voice echoing back to you as if it is rejected by those who wish it unheard
I can help with the cold if only to make eternity more bearable because the silence never ends when you're all alone
you will have a way to end it all
this gift will be your tool to shed your prison
you are imprisoned by doubt and fear
I'll change your mind
and you will burn now when you shiver in your empty hole of despair  
nothing is as warming when there is desire to save yourself

The trees breathe deep so the world can be alive
the living creatures trade breaths with nature
and we all stay alive for a little longer
so we can **** each other

I'm trapped inside this torment I can't escape
I wish I could give up and walk away
it's not so easy being confined to distance from living
surrounded by empty space and silence from the other side
solitary existence feels like a lie
I've become a ghost believing I still breathe and yet no one acknowledges me
this prison of emotional pain keeps me locked into place
and I reach through the empty spaces only to find cold rejection
the empty space and silence have sentenced me to a certain death
I watch as it crawls all over the places where life used to be
and now I haunt the ground I walk longing to live again
hope is slipping away and I can only see one way out
and yet nothing would change

So here I am
ready to face a new day and I have faced many
ready for heart break when my heart has been broken so many times already
it never ends with people or the things they do or what I do
or don't do
and then there's my face
changed only by physical scars in all the right places
I try to express emotion as much as I can
but if you catch me in my natural state
you would think I was upset or wanted to **** someone
no
I'm just fine
I just look unimpressed with life and the task at hand
and it isn't so far from the truth generally
off and on my heart breaks daily
I feel the weight of sadness in me
it comes for many reasons or for no reason at all
and there's anger breaking my mind and causing me to become so single minded in my rage
holding everything in until I have destroyed all my inner peace
even in peace my face never changes
if you can't make me laugh then watch me do it for you
I have a great sense of humor and yet not everyone agrees
it's just so difficult to wait for someone with a decent sense of humor to laugh with me
peace love and laughter all come and go
so does sadness and anger
between all that I am left with nothing, but a face
a face you want to punish for being so unmoved by your words and actions or lacking thereof
I could reach into my abysmal past and bring it all to the surface for you and your trivial opinion to see that I've had enough of life for one existence and I'm still here
I do what I want when I can and I do not allow those to stand in my way to continue being in my life as long as I am able to choose
you can imagine the terrible suffering I must endure when my choice and freedoms are taken from me and I assure you it ages me quicker and I will think of a way around it all
I know I won't live forever, but see how long my name floats through the ages
see what I do with the life I have
I know I will be torn down time and time again
just as I know I will rise all the same
just so I can tell you to go **** yourself
with just a look on my face that everyone just seems to love so much

What is death
it would seem like the end of life
but does life really end
when one life dies there is still more life beyond
maybe death is just part of the cycle
like death is the opening of a candy wrapper and eating the candy
death is the wrapper that no longer holds anything of value
death is the shell that is now empty
death has no inhabitant
so what is life
the thing that makes everything move possibly
not just simple movement
but conscious movement with a thought of where it's going
so when life and death meet
where does life go
and why does death stay if it is really here
if there is one thing I feel
it's weight
life and death weigh on me every day
pushing me down
making everything take more effort out of me
like I am made to suffer just so I know what pleasure feels like
life is pleasure and pain
death doesn't feel anything at all
life is finite and infinite
death is life's shadow knowing one day it will be gone
when life finally dies
death lives forever and becomes nonexistent
and there it is
nothing
the thing we see when we are looking for something we cannot find
that's what is weighing in my heart
what am I looking for
some kind of sign that there is magic to ease the suffering of life
if not to make it thrive despite being constantly surrounded by death
I feel as though magic is science that cannot be explained by modern terms
maybe one day
but not today
my own life isn't so mundane and yet I don't want it
I feel it calling me closer
it's voice getting louder through time
time which was merely invented
all I see is motion and motionlessness
panic and calm
love, hate and indifference
my love and hate battle while indifference plays video games
ignoring everything and every thought
because reality is ****
suffering is how I know it's real
I don't want to be real anymore
I don't want to dream anymore
just let me sleep
I am tired
but no
I have to keep going
I have to see the end
I can't give up on my secret search for what I consider magic in my time
what is magic in my time
well, it's love
unconditional love from someone who isn't your mother or father
someone who chooses to be your family
it's a pleasant surprise that doesn't end in an instant with a dose of harsh reality
magic is having your pet be your equal like another person
it's knowing that when you die, you will be fine
it's being being real in a world of fakes
or being fake in a world of real ones
magic is the opposite of reality perhaps
the imagination at its' finest
or worst
you decide
*****
you think I'm done
I'm not
I'm just getting started