Punch in four little numbers;
One; seven; four; five.
The time clock begins.
Another day in the hell I'm in.
Will I survive?
Too many people to please.
Empty phone calls
Empty white walls
Insanity is awaiting,
Day, after day, after day.

A little gesture ?
It may appear
No spoken word
No sound you'll hear

It says much more
Than words endeavour

Captured by the mind forever

Can light the darkness
Chase away
The clouds of someone else's day

As significant as a warm embrace
When displayed upon our face

It means so much
Theres no denial

The impact of a heartfelt
Smile ~

It
took me
losing everything
to finally realize how
much something as small
as a scrambled egg could make  
a difference in the way
you look at people,
nature, things,
even joy
Fin.

let me crawl into the vastness of your soul
i am tired
.
i want to nap with your deepest thoughts
i am worn out
.
let me curl up with your darkest secrets
i am exhausted
.
i want to lay myself into your curves and nooks
i am drained
.
let me caress your damaged heart
i am fatigued
.
i want to nestle your bruises
i am sleepy
.
let me burrow into your lungs with all that smoke
i am stale
.
i want to kiss your agony
i am empty

How sweet the sound of amazing grace that saves filthy sinners like me.
Who are not even close to worthy of accepting the gift of God's love that is
             Relentless;
                       Unwaivering;
                                  No strings attached.
He died a painful death upon the cross to save lives like mine.
Ones that can't even resist the smallest temptations put before us, though we know the extent of the evil one.
Why is it that we cling to the things of this world that are
              Evil;
                    Destructive;
                                Corruptive;
Instead of holding onto the everlasting promises of our Lord Jesus that are
              Hopeful;
                      Redemptive;
                                  Life changing.
He took a lost, broken, depressed drug addict, and chose me to do His mighty work; to build up His kingdom.
Not once has He said you're not good enough and you'll never be.
But he took the
               Lost me;
                        Angry me;
                                 Addiction based me;
And said "I'm going to use your story, for my glory, and I'll make you strong enough to resist those things."
For when I am weak, that's when He is strong.
Stronger than any temptation ivs ever faced.
And just like Nehemiah, "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

I am falling
back to where I used to be
except
you're not going to be there for me.
It hurts
knowing I was in love with an illusion
of what I thought you were,
knowing I am in love with a ghost,
knowing I am in love with someone
who doesn't exist.
It hurts
because I am still seventeen
and you were my friend
and you used me
and I'm still naive enough
to think that maybe you'll call
or maybe
I'll come home one day and see your car
and I'll see you
and you'll tell me it was a mistake
and you'll say you know what you want now
and you'll say you want me,
and you'll say you love me.
I guess I'm just deluded, right?
Stupid,
Psychotic,
Blind.
Let me tell you this:
I never wanted anything but you,
but you never wanted anything
other than my body
which I gave to you.
But it wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough for you.
*******
for making me feel worthless again.
*******
for making me think you were my friend.
*******
for not coming back to me.
I thought you were an angel
sent to save me,
to put me back together again.
I thought you were a masterpiece.
I thought I found God when I kissed you.
I thought that above all,
you would keep me safe,
you would protect me,
you would care about me.
But no,
you broke my ******* heart.
*******
for breaking my heart.

Why can't I just let you go...
So much heart ache and pain,
I don't think things will ever be the same.
It's insane.
Am I insane, for letting this all happen to me?
What's next to come?
The only thing could be a tragedy.
It has to be.
It's eating away at the inner walls of my heart.
It's worse than before because mine was broken from the start.
I shouldn't have let my wall down, I shouldn't have let you in.
But, I thought that you'd be different from the rest.
I've seen you at your best though,
Why can't I just let you go?

i am a mess of the mistakes
others have made;
thoughts of you
and what you did to me
cause me to grind my teeth.
i thought you were an angel
and yes, i mean that metaphorically
but i mean it literally, too.
i was drowning in depression
and you came along to save me
and honestly,
i really thought you'd stay.
but no,
you are the devil's replica
and oh my god you know how to lie
and tempt
and burn.
you found me in a place no map could portray;
dancing with my own darkness
as if the shadows were somehow a comfort
for my delicate little heart to love.
why did you take me away from the dark
just to throw me in to it further?
i wish you'd disappear, somewhere miles away.
i wish you'd go somewhere as cold, empty and isolated as yourself.
i gave you everything
and you left me with nothing,
causing me to start a war with my skin.
do you know how much it hurts
to have to search for countless reasons
as to why you're not good enough?
do you know how much it hurts
to know you're not enough for someone
who is more than enough for you?
i do not love the person
who walked away from me that day
i am in love with the person
i thought you were.
do you know how much that hurts?
i am in love with someone who doesn't even exist!
i've spent weeks wishing you'd come back
but now,
i do not want you back.
you were only in love with the concept of me
and the thought of that makes me sick
to my stomach.
i hope that it
was worth losing me for.
it's clear her skin served you
better than mine ever did.
it's clear her body was more of a masterpiece
than mine ever was.

i was waiting for an opportunity to take my dad's credit card
because i wanted something
and tonight
just when i really wanted something
something silly
very badly
he was on the phone
his wallet on the table...
within two minutes
i was walking upstairs
his grody card
in my hand
punching in the numbers

before i clicked confirm order
i thought of remedying the situation
"oh...dad...i was just trying to order you your birthday present
without you knowing
wanted it to be a surprise
haha, never guessed, did you"
i thought he wouldn't notice
the $30 missing

after i finally got what i wanted
i felt so full
i finally had it

and then i felt scared
and
embarrassed
and
ashamed
and i wondered
if this is what i am reduced to
materialistic ****
stealing from my father
who gives me all he can
is this just because i am a girl
or because i am human
or because i am sad
when will i stop stealing things
am i some sick *******
who gets a thrill out of petty crimes
what will i do next?