I lost my white Pigeon that resembled a white Dove-
I lost him through death, death of my love-
I assembled him of my lost father, for both now i cry-
I am filled with the feelings of loss, lost and of I-
I am afraid to live and afraid to die.

My Pigeon so strong just like my dad-
is remembered fondly, in the love i had-
Still , he waited patiently, to witness a change,
but his health faltered quickly as my mind did derange-
Stoic and Beautiful my Lost White Pigeon Dove-
I curse what has befallen you , my father, -
I release you from the duty of my love-
Rest Peacefully Pigeon, Dad, Scott (Squid), Denise, Paul, Bill, and Grandma

I tilted my head . I wilted and was dead -
No longer entangled in this snare called life -
none the less remembered, respected
Dejected in my illusion -
Where i wander most often, unclaimed and disillusioned -
Whatever was I hoping for-
longing in which to see -
the distorted , unreported - dismemberment of ME -
Expectations are like curses, drowning and alienating ALL who dare to dream -
The Ideals of a stranger - I am now what I seem

Vaguely Blunt and Bluntly Vague-
these are the explanations which i gave-
words too deep for sorrow, i utter from which i made-
i am vague yet blunt, trying to out live this stunt-
Terse, I am called rude, I mean, I am real, Blunt- while I am Vague-
to not indicate the offenders, whom we all see and suffer throughout the day-
I can not disclose my feelings, uncomfortable with their sins-
I tarry quickly to shut the door , before their wickedness begins-
It is not a game, it's real , at least to me-
excuse me if i am rude or blunt or don't make sense because i am vague=

Not the first, nor the second, not even the third, nor the last-
you are further back in line- your turn is often past-
no leg to stand on, no claim to plea in town-
the people far outnumber you, and the people hold you down-
so the world can sedate you, dress you like a clown-
the hecklers heckle, the jesters jeckle-
they point out every flaw-
and count every freckle-
red headed step child, collage of human wastes-
foul smelling humans, grovel in distaste-

There's what the World Tells You, and what You Know for Yourself-
There's the Promise of Heaven, and your Own Personal Hell-
Truth is what you believe in, whether your Values be true or false,
it portrays itself on your face-
" My eyes could never show what is not real" ( Red Hot Chili Peppers- "I could have lied")
I will take away your contentment-
but your soul i would not steal-
I love you like my Father-my Mother, My Child-
I love you for your fear, pain, and Humility-
I love you for your proud, instinctual Futility-
Vanity is the falseness which could transform by honest work-
The toilers unspoiled; surrounded by demons who lurk-
My secret ideals, hidden from view-
escape little betrayal; though unseen by you-

This dismay, it's all that i know
the endless result of which i grow
my anger right now urges me to smash
stomp out your teeth and break all this glass
this fragile fascade you portray to all
will not long last after you fall
fall down as you've pushed me
into all this glass
The transparent confines wont be my last
because i never give up and so I must smash

Those born in favor, lost flavor, and the flavorless salt-
Those born under a bad sign, never tire of the assault-
the barrage of fists, feet, and curses-
ingrain themselves into your skin; like a child's taunting verses-
Haunting melody of tragedy-
though forewarned and advised-
the favored spawn, divert and are drawn-
behind the chariot consumed in flame-
the guilty don't despise, the jury does not lie-
the judge calls you by name-
namesake of a sinner, lineage of your skin-
betrayed into obscurity, the darkest hour grows dim-

Desolate little landscape, barren little eyes-
empty little soul, blackens out the skies-
nothing left to see, nothing to visualize-
eyes engulf the darkness, bring you to your knees-
waiting for a real man , i'm hiding in the trees-
the takers of humanity , the takers of one's soul-
the takers of my birthright, try to steal my soul-
no one to defend me, my protector was a hoax-
suffocating on the stench, devouring my lifeless, soul less body,
i curse him, that he chokes-

you spread rumors- you spread lies
you'll cover you ears- i'll cover my eyes
you agitate and stir chaos into the ***
i sift through the waste to get what i got
you bundle up sorrow and infest others with strife
i put my hands before me to give up my life
bees and honey and trees and plants
left over for the maggots and then the ants

Verses can be vicious, viscous, or sweet-
sour, trite, veracious as we seek-
sought-out, sought after, inclined to the top of the peak-
Veracity wounds as lies distort,
the kingdom into the meek-
faint of heart, and heartless-
consume the skeletons of words that create the tomb-
The womb of death, let us depart while there's still room-
it lures me in with it's alluring perfume-

misplaced letters; misplaces trust
the world dines on their wanton lust
wandering footsteps, weakened by bottle glass.
I hurry up , so I won't be last.
Screaming
no glory
Dreaming
outscoring
forwarded footsteps and unopened mail,
left out in the barrenness, the terse winter Gael.
what should I do ?
what can't I see ?
left all alone
burdened by me.

Nebraska hue-
overshadowing all that you do-
Hollywood stars gaze down through the blackness to you-
A lone wandering vagrant roaming far across the lines-
The cross section severing your life as it defines-
Shaped by the masses, cutting away your beliefs-
pruned by a madman, he glorifies your Grief-
The Here and the Now-
escape me somehow-
so I once daydreamed of you-
Staring at the fields- the mountains- and the snow-
I must be reformed in all i know-

Let me see, Let me feel-
Open the envelope
Break the seal-
I am in the dark
void of light-
Empty thoughts, Empty sights-
Why is it my place to wait?
Longing for life
contentment
meeting with Fate
My Mind knows the thoughts
that others can not think-
I try to stay composed, but
I've l
lept off the brink

HA! One laugh is belted out from my girdle
my solar plexus
another hurdle.All I have is a mere laugh.
The laugh i've laughed all through my past.
without Joy and without a crowd
My laugh is as silent as it is loud.

My pencil is not what i have used.
My pen finally got away, tired of being used.

I scramble through my mind without true thought.
I do not seem to ponder.
As I have wandered away,
way out yonder.

Look into the Past
nothing ever Lasts
Fated to wither and die.

Look for Hope Tomorrow
from the Haters and the Sorrow
Searching for some shiny new dimes.

Book my passage
place my coins on my eyes,
I've stayed too long this time.

I must return this life I've borrowed,
from both Yesterday and Tomorrow.

I hear it is said " Live in the Now",
" Live for this Day";
yet I don't know Why or How.

so, from lost and disheartened,
I've made my journey back;
although, I've misplaced my tiny handful of tokens.
Tokens of Faith, Hope, Love and Trust;
I will give back all that I must.

This World is persistent and unfamiliar,
and I abide far too long-
I will leave without dancing-
I leave that to you, and I require no song.

My voice, my head, my thoughts become-
Disembodied
from my visions, my senses, my heart, my soul-
Disembodied love
for friendships that i find to be insincere-
countless clues i never would hear-
their disembodied voices far from the actions they emit-
they move little and bring discord-
to this place which I sit-
and reel
and mourn-

I so dislike passive aggressive  types-
I much prefer the real ones that get embarrassed  & ashamed of their own behaviors.
The sociopath,  the aggressively passive aggressive-
The one and the same.
Reuse their responsibility,  are never to blame.

Makes me sicker

Happiness is only as subjective
as others allow you to embrace it.
Happiness is never total- absolute-,
Nor held , nor attained.
Happiness is transient  and flees from us all.

I feel UnKnown/UnLoved/UnOwned
I feel Behind/Bereaved/BeLow
I feel UnProvoked/UnAcknowledged/UnBestowed
I feel UnFree/UnTetheredUnSeemed/UnSewn
I feel that No One I know
knows what I mean
feels what I know
UnFelt/ UnDealt/Left out
Left aside myself

I shun you not,
You shun me twice.
My life for your life,
Is becoming more A sacrifice.

You greet me not.
I greet you twice.
I'm the one who's exiled, beguiled,
Into forfeiting the price.

Become that which you want,
I imagine whats gifts I  could bestow,
Yet not even bribery can entice me to your soul.

I've noted you, AR.
In your eyes Ive always seen a star.
Ablaze with anger, shining with beauty,
I can see them shining even from afar.

Little one grown so big,
I pray you are well, and blessed, and loved and happy,
I love you still,
I wonder who and how you are.

Regression- Confession- Succession of the young-
My hopes- beliefs- are now publicly hung-
The gallows- the hangman- the executioner's head-
the sentenced now lay in the beds that they've made-

I am nowhere-nothing-no one to all-
I am deaf to the speakers- I am deaf to the call-
The call of the wild- The wild at heart-
push me past my breakage-
pulling me apart-

Apart from our mothers, fathering a grudge-
ever so willing, without a nudge-
to convict-condemn to be murdered-
as lambs and sheep to follow-
overloaded with grief- my grief leaves me hollow-

White- Eyed Alive-
do or die
piece of the pie
and the American life-

Preprogrammed responses
they all seem to do it-
a previously animated existence
we replicate
but we don't really do it-

The Stepford Wife
and Mr. Right
neither holds an interest for me-
I fit no mold
with no people of my own-

The Wanderer
Vagrant
I Am Alone

This Unknown Presence in my life-
Will it bring Harmony- Will it bring Strife?
Is it a Stranger- Is it just Myself?
Will I treat myself well or shout GET OUT!!!  ?
Will I recognize it's beauty or only it's faults?
Is it A Bringer of Good News- Wealth, Love, Joy?
Is it a Tormentor- Bisecting a toy?
Anything can be anything as anyone is anyone-
Intent of my thought creates what i will be.-
This unknown Presence today in my life I will name her Andrea
This is her Life-
Succeed at your missions- love, wealth, joy, peace-
and continue sharing all you seek-

Deadened, darkened-
how weird and alone i feel-
un human- not a person in this society.
I'm a notion,a concept, an ill thought plan.
Scorching the skyline, I ran and I ran-
toward and away from- back and forth-
I Know Faith Without Workd Is Dead-
but I am dead-
working myself full of worth.

I saw a man in passing
but he was already gone
he flew from far
struck by a car
deceased just past our lawn.
I am saddened still, few days have past
none of us know which breath we breathe last.
Staring aloof, perfect and warm,
the only proof from the loudest thud
was under his head; the pool of blood.
I prayed three times before I rose
I never wanted to see
a human dying or suffering
but i must see if he needs me.
onlookers gawking, chatting about
but only myself and a man by his side
i pumped his heart and breathed his breath
but it was too late
He was lost to Death.
God Bless You and keep you Aristeo
Rest in Peace

Wistful , wishful, hopeful of a new start
Renewing, healing a broken , twisted heart.
to have to pull back on the reins of my giving
will stop my hostile reactions but wont feel like living.

Good bye, and I'm sorry that it all ended up this way-
so saddened, so sorry that everything is this way-
you are the one-the one i had hoped would love me forever, and let me love you back-
but You- You are No One- You are Every One to Me - You are No One-
you are Every Thing to Me- You- You are No One-
left for me to love- you are no one- no one to me-
You're all i have- had- wanted and lost-
You and I are No Ones who pay the cost-
the cost of mistakes, one after the next-
without ever healing, life's scars on the soul-
So, good bye and I'm sorry=my heart you stole-
but i imagined it all- didn't i-turned you into a being-
I flooded You with my love- without ever seeing-
that I am No One without you-No On to Love-
I should have figured it out-
I Am No One-
No One to love-
I Am No One To Love

On the edge of the world
at The End of The World
into a ball I could be curled.
but I am staggering, stammering, hammering about
about to build something great
I've no time to shout.just standing there judging
You've no time to pout.
What am I going to build right away?
I do not know yet, I can not say.
maybe a temple, a life, or a house
maybe a horse, a cross, or a mouse.
Don't need a wall, I've already enough
Don't need to hear you sounding so gruff.
Soon I won't even hear a word that you say.
I'm building a world to raise up from the clay.
I once ran wild, when I was a child
now I have moments in bursts
I require safety, silence, and health
I will guard them steadfast
I will no longer thirst
So I get ready to do what I say
I have said enough
I Don't Have All Day.

You seem soVacant,Aloof,
Absent from me.
You feel so UnAffected,
UnTouched by me.
I am a speck of dust in the sky that past you by.
and i liked you.

The Loss of Focus throughout each of my days-
is Profound, Predictive of the Futility of my ways-
The Hopeless Despair in which I Reside and Feel-
Animates each cell of my being, any Life in Me It Steals-
My Solitary Thoughts, I push Outside, to You-
Another of Faith, Unknowing of What to Do-
Fold, Check, or Play My Hand through-
Not up to par, I am decidedly Losing, It's Not up to You-

I traveled far and somewhere I died-
I went astray, went missing,
When I wanted to hide-

I couldn't bear the pain-
I couldn't bear any more-
I tried to reach out, but- what for?

No one would hear- not even that they could-
I am no longer able to do what I should-

I could- but,  I could not-

I know about should-
I lie now in the sand-
The dirt under the green and the wood.

The loss of focus throughout each of my days-
is profound, predictive of the futility of my ways-

The hopeless despair in which I feel-
animates each cell in my being,
any life in me it steals-

My solitary thoughts, i push outside-
to you-
another of faith, unknowing of what to do-

fold, check, or play the game through-
not up to par, i am decidedly losing, it's not up to you-

ONCE I had a coin, a token bestowed upon me-
Metallic and beautiful; with words it had been forged-
" NO WEAPON FORGED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROSPER "
It made me feel special- It made me feel safe-
even after it was gone with no trace

So much  change. So often in my life.
Residences, phone numbers, jobs.
Relationships.
Its as though i fail.
Over and over again . i fail.
I falter.
.......and get up. Back up. Way up. Wait up.
I never give up.
What am i waiting for?
What am i wishing for?
Every change erases my progress.
Undermined by myself or another.
My foundation must be weak.
What is it? Where is it? What is it that i seek?
I'm  not looking for answers. Anymore.
I only want time to please stand still.
Let me catch up. Let me catch my breath.
Let me completely experience anything before i must move on in death.
Im not down. I'm  not up.
I am just aware enough.
Walking through the cemetery, i saw dandelions. So i stopped and made a wish.
I wished to not have to go through any of this again.
Those Dandelion Wishes never work.
I blew all of its spindrils straight into the wind.
If i were one of The Three Little Pigs, i would build my house of Dandelions.
You can huff and you can puff, and you could blow my house down.
I could waste my life making Dandelion Wishes then.

I dont want to stand out-
Because I'm  standing all alone.
I don't want to be noticed-
When i dont know  where is home.
I don't  want to be heard-
When im having a fit.

I'm  awkward, spadtic, embarrassed  by my follies.

I dont want to  be beard-
Wben I'm  having a fit.
I don't want to  be stAred  at-
When the shoe doesn't  fit.

Like it is - I'm embarrassed by my follies.
I want to run off the edge-
And not  see myself .falling.

Blue on blue-
What's True to You
Isn't the same to Me-
I only hear and see-
what I Feel-
You never
those near
have not known Me-
Fabricate-
Relate in Word-
but yet, not in deed-
I am misunderstood
Misunderstood as can be-
Be what I say-
Be what I May-
Live long
and decay-

One day you might Find Yourself Walking on the road of life.
The next day you might be driving a bucket.
Do not let this get you down.
You are making progress on your path.
You might wake up one day and be driving in comfort and style.
Do not let this define you.

Do not forget, this is just a trip in Your Journey of Life.
You might Wake Up the next day an Find Yourself Walking on the road of Your Life.

You Might Find Yourself.
You Might Find Yourself Walking.
Walking on the Road of Your Life.

All of this is just a day in the Journey of Life.
Enjoy all in your life and on your path.

You might see more if you walk, or if you drive.
But Experience Your Journey.
Do not just jump into another's ride.

Live Life
Love Life
Live Love
Love Your Life

It can always get better.
It can always be worse.
At the flip of a coin,
In the blink of an eye,
Miracles and Blessings await you and
Tragedy lurks.
Appreciate you lessons and blessings.
Appreciate and experience your hurts.

Love Your Life for what it is worth.

Perhaps i have begun my final chapter, almost like a Raptor.
Feeble and fast, darting about
without direction or doubt.
Doubt is beheld only by those with thought.
I will feel as I have Fought - senseless, fameless, aloof and alone.
My pack, my tribe has moved onward when i felt I was home.
It is just another mirror that I stand in alone.

A face that's unknown as it seen in the mirror a traveling vacant can't be much clearer I've nothing familiar to put my energy into so I drift through these lands pouring my heart into the sand it remains unquenched like a fiery abyss all the love and accomplishments I will miss man I swear life is futile it leaves the ego with extensive bruises it's scars the heart and disrupts the soul no one here gets out alive and we all fall into the hole

lying in bed
laid to rest
the outspoken
the out numbered
never loved the best
I will pass unnoticed, but marred by vanity's test.
not one to live for, not one to die for-
middle of the road; on neither side of the fence,
the onlookers watch and stare.
at last; at will, firing into the open blackness of the sky-
wanting to feel alive, not wanting to care=
I am not alive nor free nor dead; wanting to die

I must shower, I must dress.
I am lost amongst the ashes I sift.
Burnt remains of pieces of a life, that's what I've held secured in a box.
A box with a faulty clasp, so I must hold on to keep it shut.
If I set it down it may meet it's demise
Then all I would have left is my disguise.
The face that says everything's fine, nothing's wrong.
Nothing to see here, just move along.
But nothing is right here, it's all so far away
I might be wrong.
Who sees to help me, show me along?
All the illusions I see and believe,
Their temporary comfort will make me grieve.
All is useless and crumbles away.
Don't let your spirit decay.

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

I can not follow you to the other side, I've just barely got my foot into the stairwell. I've already completed my downward spiral.
I am sick, but I am not diseased or viral.Being in love feels so overrated.
There is no passion and my feelings are becoming outdated.
Spoiled, it seems by past comparisons, when the time comes,
by former beings which portrayed more enthusiasm.

I feel like an old trinket that was gained in a war, fought long and suffered for. For that is what happened as i rolled down each step,
Each one like My Last Breath.
i have no comfort, nor solace, nor common ground in these tattered feelings that I am abound.

How absurd is my Fate?
Always aware a Little Too Late.

I awoke in the middle of last night , while in the midst of a dream.
Unpleasantness surrounds my sleep.
The dreams mock my waking hours, in both, I can not scream.

In my sleep, I sat up so fast-
All my visions vanished with a gasp.
My eyes remained shut as I tried ti make sense.
My ribs felt broken, I had to struggle to move. I felt a sharp piercing  sensation in the depth of my lungs.

Why was and what was happening?
I wasn't attacked in my sleep.
I questioned this once more.
I knew better, so I sat up, eyes shut, and tried to get back to sleep.

A loud noise made me gasp in panic.
Still closed eyes stayed shut.
Wondering if I were to die.
My ego so full of itself, always boasting of supreme health.
Now some strange calamity visited and also left abruptly.

Until we meet in my slumber once again.I will protect my ribs, my  life, y lungs. Hollow givers of life and empty vessels of death.

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

When the illusion is revealed, all of its magic falls tragically and becomes trash in the gutters.

It's a true freedom.
This blessing of life.
It's not the approaching new year,
Its the miracles raining upon my soul, this lack of fear.
I almost died, lost my freedom, lost my home, car and hurt for my loved ones.
I am so undeserving.
This grace Jehovah has me cushioned into the Palm of His Hand.
My life radiates with Joy . I thought I could never feel like this. I needed this traffic interception in the wilderness of my fields.
Far from what I left as a home.
Hit anything hard enough and something is bound to happen.
I want to scream in the abundance of clean Air and feel like a little child running in a park.
Lord Jehovah found me lying in the Utah fields of clay
He formed me from my living death and gave me another cherished joyful day.