I wanted to show you my mess
In hopes that you might clean it up.
I wanted to show you my dreams
In hopes that you might believe in them.
I wanted to show you my life
In hopes that you might not leave it.

I wanted to show you, but instead you showed me that

I wanted to show you my mess
In hopes that it might inspire you
I wanted to show you my dreams
In hopes that you might share some
I wanted to show you my life
In hopes that we could have one together.

I can see it plain as day
The lust in your eyes.
I can see the way you long for me
Hands gliding up my thighs.
I know you crave my touch
even when you back away.
When you strike, you don't hold back.
And you think that I'm surprised -
But I saw it coming, plain as day.

What I can't see is why you're hiding
that what you feel is so much more.
You never did let go of me,
Nor did I of you.
I love you still, like I did before,
and you see it plain as day.
I'll spend forever waiting
for you to just confess
all the things you'll never say.

Alive people are a lot worse
Than dead people.

The dead are finally at rest
While we spend our time
Trying to be.

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I loved you with your messy hair,
and how you made me forget.
You could never say the words
that you really meant.

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I told you all my secrets,
all the things I never said.
That same night you said you loved me,
but you wouldn't come to bed.

It's been a while, and you're the same
except your hair is different.
I knew right then I loved you still,
it shook me to the bone.

"I liked your messy hair better."

All too well rehearsed, you said
"It was just too difficult to take care of."

And I knew why I was sleeping alone.

I am your panic room,
constant and
never changing.
You built me up
for when you're breaking.

I am your panic room,
your last resort,
but always here
when you decide you need me.

When you don't need me,
you put me on a shelf
with your dusty trophies
you never really earned,
and antiques
you never took care of.

I'm up front, visible,
easy to reach
at your convenience.
But I know you would rather
take what you need from
your precious china cabinet.

Just know that when you fumble,
when you slip up,
and when you stumble,
your precious china will break.
But I will still be here.

Last year was different.
We caught snowflakes on tongues that weren't bitter,
and we braved the cold with warm hearts.

Twelve months can change a million things.

It's taken me long enough,
But I know now that winter will always come back,
Even though I can't say the same of you.

Twenty-four missed calls.
I should have picked up the phone.
I could have saved you.

Winter is coming and I'm panicked.
I'm scared of the nostalgia it might bring
when I see the first snowflakes fall
for the first time without you.

You're warm and cozy, probably,
enjoying it all too well.
And I know the only way I'll survive this winter
is to have a heart colder than the air around my cloudy breath,
and the shoulder of you - a stranger -
someone I once knew like the back of my hand.
I'll pretend when I close my eyes
it's not you I'm seeing.

The temperature is dropping, and the leaves are dying
one by one.
I'm hiding away my feelings,
burying them until spring.
But maybe by then, they will have slept beside you too long.
They'll be dead, and kept by you,
Irretrievable - too far gone.

I'm not grieving just for you, anymore.
I'm grieving for myself,
and the cold-hearted ***** I have come to be.

I remember the day you promised me the world,
Forever and always.

And you kept your word all summer.
I woke up with your arms around me and
Your sleepy laughter filling the room.

When autumn came,
Forever started to fall apart.
It crunched under our feet with the leaves,
And the changing colours made it all to beautiful
For us to realize everything was dying.

Winter came and forever was long gone.
It was replaced with a burning coldness,
And a longing for the warmth of summer,
A taste, a sliver of forever.

When spring came around,
I was looking through the mess of soggy leaves
Finding pieces of forever, but never enough
To salvage what we once had.

You were finding pieces too,
But you pawned them off on someone else.
She tried to put your pieces together,
But always knew there were some missing,
That they belonged to someone else first.

I think that we always knew,
Forever was meant to fall apart,
And we could sell it to whoever we wanted to,
But it would never be the same as it was
Brand new.

Its kinda like if love were cables,
I was quick to plug them in.
and if hate ran through my veins,
I cut away at them.
You can't have a red plug
in a yellow socket.

Sometimes its hard to install new things,
to plug the right colours
in the right places,
and I get a little mixed up

you see,

My veins ran as long and thin,
the colours seemed to fit.

But I'm not electric,
and I snipped at the wrong lines this time.

You'd be so disappointed in me
If you knew the hobbies I've taken up.
I have whiskey in my right hand,
A lit joint in my left.

You'd be so disappointed in me
For getting high
Just to balance out the lows.
For getting wasted
To make the world stop spinning

But you're not here
And if you broke your promises,
I can sure as hell break mine.

"Promise me, that even when I'm gone, you won't do anything stupid or reckless.
Promise me you will be safe."

When the world is spinning and falling apart in front of your eyes,
it's hard to promise anything more than the truth.

"Cross my heart," I whispered, grinning,
"and hope to die".

And for the last time I saw you smile back at me.
And you never thought twice about it.

When I said goodbye, I expected you to come running back
The way you always had in the past.

I never could have foreseen that you would hardly blink,
That you would leave and never say a word to me again.

I wait at the phone, still,
Hoping one day you might wake up with a feeling of nostalgia for the moments we shared.
That you might show up in the middle of the night and scream that you miss us from the rooftops.

But this life isn't cinematic,
And nothing goes as planned.

You turned on your heels that night under the dim light of a quiet street, and you never looked back.

And its too late now, its too late for me to chase after you. The lights have gone out, and you're living your life without me.

I wish that I could hate you for it,
But how could I hate you for finally being happy?

When I kissed you for the first time, it wasn't how I had imagined it.

The plan was to bring you flowers, and beg you on my knees.
Take me in, give me a chance.
Fall in love with me.

I was drunk, greedy,
Bursting with a lust you wouldn't feed.

I drank so much ***** I couldn't see more than the space you left between us, and when I found your lips I kissed you hard,
And it wasn't romantic like I meant it to be.

You were falling though, according to plan. Your fingers traced my back, and you cried when you found me falling too,
But to the bathroom floor, red cup still in my hand,
Instead of falling for you.

I'm deeply sorry for that kiss,
And how I let it land.
When you pulled away, and you left me there,
I didn't understand.
It's taken me months, but I'm sober now.

I kissed you because I was lonely,
I was wasted and out of my mind,
You were drunk and speaking yours.

But you left because you loved me.

"Why do we always end up here?"
I thought, as we sat down
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I thought about how we came here
In a mid-may storm,
My makeup washed away,
And I heard you really laugh for the first time,
So I smiled for the rest of the day.

I thought about the first time I heard the words
"I love you" slip off your lips,
And how you swore we would make it work.
My hair got messier than the words you couldn't say,
And I saw you shut me out for the first time,
But I kissed you anyway.

"Why do we always end up here?"
You ask, as we settle in
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I smiled to myself,
And I realized
"It's just a really good place to sit."

Love can open a million doors.

It can show you no pain lasts forever,
And with hard work comes great reward.
It can mend you when your heart has been
Ripped out and trampled on,
And it can give you hope for a
Better tomorrow.

Love can open a million doors.

Or it can show you how deep pain can pierce,
And how long scars take to fade.
It can leave you shaking in the
stillness of four AM,
And begging for a
Better tomorrow.

Every word I say rings through your head.
Mellow, and composed.

I meant to scream them at the top of my lungs,
But then, you'd never hear me.

If love builds bridges, why are we stranded?
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
Lost and abandoned.

I've gone down every winding path, traveled every twisted road.
There's no map, there's no escaping.
I've ventured through the thick and there's nowhere left to go.
There's promise beyond the rivers,
But with a heavy heart I'll sink.

If love builds bridges, mine already burnt.
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
And you're not even hurt.

I tried to write a poem that did you justice.
But no words could flow on paper
as beautifully as they do
off your lips.

You're the heaviest rain to ever soak my skin,
And I'm drenched to the bone
But you're not giving in.

You're the crispest air to ever slash my wrists.
And it burns but I love you still,
Only now, with clenched fists.

You're the poorest soil to ever grow my heart,
I'm left to rot but I love you still,
Like I have from the start.

You're the most toxic man I've ever met,
And so you took too many pills
To even out your head.
You left the ones who loved you
With all this **** regret.
And the worst part is that to this day,
I haven't stopped loving you yet.

I guess I'll spend another night
The way I always do.
Waking into nightmares
Of suicide and you.

You called me a joke.
So here's the punchline.

You're there when you can feel the anchors on your feet,
And your lips have turned a sickly blue.
When you reach your final breaking point,
And there's nothing left for you.

You're there when you can't see a future,
And your tears won't even come.
You've lost all your will to care,
And you've forgotten where you came from.

You're there when you're rocking back and forth,
And there's no one coming to your rescue.
When you scream so loud no one can hear,
And you can't ever find a refuge.

You're there when you can relate to this,
And you're not sure how that could be.
When you think maybe you're not so bad,
Cause "rock bottom could never happen to me".

When I hear that crack of thunder
I wonder if you heard it too.
And when the lighting flashes
Do you remember me
Like I remember you?

Goodbye to brown eyes,
and your gentle voice
singing midnight lullabies.

Goodbye to messy hair,
strong arms to hold me,
and every laugh we used to share.

Goodbye to my guitar in your hands,
and my head in your lap.
To all your favourite bands.

Goodbye to your soft kiss,
and skin against beautiful skin.
I never thought it'd end like this.

Goodbye to  safety,
and everything I ever knew.

Goodbye, good luck,
and I'll always love you.

This is love?
Is that what this is to you?
A quickie, a "gotta run",
and you swear that you're true?

Don't offer me your hand,
to only draw it away.
You can't string me along
to keep your heartache at bay.

This is love?
I don't want any part in this ****.
You broke my ****** heart,
and now you're gonna pay for it.

"Go with the flow,
Love will show the way."
Just a few of the many
things you might say.

But how would I know?
You're nowhere to be seen.
If love will show the way,
then where the hell have you been?

I don't know if any of this matters, but I need to say it anyway.

I could say
"I'm sorry",
but it wouldn't mean more
than the "I love you"s
I faked.

I don't know much about
what makes your eyes light up,
or what you think about at 3AM.

I do know that you aren't much for words,
but for me you tried.

I know you once told me
food tasted better when you were
with me.

I know your favourite song is
Scar Tissue,
and that you play guitar.

I also know that you were not sure of me
either.


Back then, I would have told you I loved you
to keep you around.
Because I was
scared.

Today, I would tell you I love you
because I mean it.
Because you bring out
the best in me.


I do not know many things.

But I am sure that I have made a mess.

I am sure that I miss you like hell, and I was wrong.

I don't know if any of this mattered, but I needed to say it anyway.

Someone once told me I was not colourful.
In the way I
Laughed,
Danced,
Spoke.

When I sought out something to fill my pages,
I found you fit the bill.
In the way you left me
Bruised,
Broken,
Defeated.

I looked in the mirror,
And I saw it.
My colours
Black,
Blue,
Crimson red.

Someone told me I needed to wash you away,
That I needed colours,
Not shades:
Destructive,
Controlling,
Loveless.

I keep scrubbing and scrubbing,
Just to get you away.
But the
Scars
Wont
Fade.

“Let’s watch the sun rise,” you said.
While I bore my eyes into the light, you were watching through the reflection in my eyes.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” you said.
While I shuffled around each calorie to avoid question, you shuffled in your seat – nervous to know if you would get to take me out again.

“Let’s go to the movies,” you said.
While I raved about the film, you thought about the way my hand felt in yours.

“Goodnight,” you said.
While I questioned what was really in your heart, you thought about what it would be like to wake up next to me.

“Goodbye,” I said.
And I felt nothing.
While you felt *everything I didn’t.

I begged you to stay,
But you left without a word.
I wish you would have listened because
I had so much to say.

I begged you to try,
But you gave up without a fight.
Every day without you here
is another lonely night.

You begged me to move on,
With lust filling your brown eyes.
You hoped that I was stronger,
that you wouldn't have to lie.

You begged me not to cry,
But I gave too much to lose it all.
You wished away our promises because
Now you'd take the fall.

But beggars can't be choosers,
And just because we thought we won,
Never meant we'd not end losers.

At 3AM I hear your laughter echo through the house, and I let it ring through my memories the way the summer breeze blows through my open window.

3:01 I touch my lips and remember the way they used to press against yours, and I let the feeling sink down the way my exhausted body sinks into my mattress.

3:02 I remember the way you would grab my wrists, and i'd wince as the pain shot through me, the way my teeth pierce my cheek in my mid night  nervousness.

3:03 I realize all the time I've wasted, between 3:00 and this very moment.

3:04 I realize I've wasted more than minutes on you. I've wasted months, years.

3:05 I clear my head. Your laughter becomes absent as it really was, your lips aren't mine to kiss, and my wrists are only pained by my own hand.

3:06 I remember the past 5 minutes, for the infinite time since you left me.

"Pull me out, pull me OUT!"
You're screaming to be rescued.

"I'm drowning! Pull me OUT!".

You're screaming to be rescued,
But I notice you aren't swimming.
You're hardly treading water,
Barely even kicking.

I reach for your steady hands,
But you tremble when I'm close.
I'm screaming "I don't understand!"
As you breathe in through your nose.

"Pull me out, pull me OUT!"
But I can hear you giving in.

I became too weak to get out of bed
The same day you became
too weak to hold me.

Coincidentally,

The day before you gained the strength
to walk away from my voice
inside your head.

If you loved me so much
You would have known.

You would have known I don't like
Sugar in my tea

And that I can't sleep without my demons
Side by side with me.

That when I suggested no, I was
Hoping you'd agree.

You would have known I needed stability-
Not whatever this is you've given me.
I can't waste away my heart
on something so untrue,
I cannot give my love
to unfaithful you.

If you really loved me,
These are things you would have known.
I've no time for your apology,
Please leave me alone.


But let this be a lesson to you,
That cheaters never prosper,
And liars never grew.