hi there, old friend. how long has it been? quite a while.
you look whiter and clearer, like you haven't missed me writing thoughts on top of you.
but i thought i'd come by and say hello, for old time's sake.
i haven't felt like writing in a long time. some call it writer's block. i don't know what i call it, but words seem to be stuck inside of me, sort of sleeping. without them wanting to be disturbed. it happens once in a while. the words cling to my heart and beg me not to let them out. but when i do... you know what happens when i do.
and you're always there to welcome them with a smile or a hug into their new home. they're never out of a home. they are born in the deepest layer of me, migrate to the outer ones and eventually make their way to you. and even though, they don't know they'll be safe in each place, they always are. you are always open and so embracing and so warm.
now let's cut right to the chase.
today i woke up thinking about how i should've wrote something for the new year. but i didn't. again... like i said, the words didn't want to be disturbed yet. however, today, they wanted to come out and play. it's like they have their own timezone. plans of their own. and today was the day.
i kept thinking how much i hurt this past year, but also how much i healed. it is amazing how much i learned in such a short period of time. it even feels unrealistic. like a lifetime flew by. i feel like i am a completely different person now. a reincarnation of myself. can you sense me as i write? do i seem different to you? i guess you went through a lot of what i learned during that time with me, you walked with me through every step. you held my fingers when i was the loneliest. you hugged my heart and soul. and well, you even taught me a few things.
i learned to forgive, without ever getting an apology. time and time again. didn’t i, old friend? and to trust that i am aways being guided, mostly by the moon... oh how i miss the moon! i remember sitting outside my balcony just looking at her, SO perfect, any given night. with no make up on. with no intention to fake it. she taught me to love. she taught me to cry. she taught me to breathe and to scream the **** out of my lounges. once in a while i peek a glance at her, but lately i've been more impressed with sunsets. the moon feels a little further away now. why do you think that is? i don't know... maybe i'll ask her some time.
i also moved three times. now look at me... i am so far away, from where i used to be. yet, i am closer to where i've always wanted to. still, this place doesn't feel like home. it feels foreign, like im just adventuring around. maybe that's how i felt when i first met my old home. doesn't feel right to call it "old home"... i don't know... maybe i should give this place a chance. but isn't it weird how after all this months i still feel like a tourist here? how i already know how to go from north to south and east to west without a map and i still feel lost? funny. maybe i shouldn't try to make a home out of every city i move to. maybe it's true that home is where the heart is... but isn't mine attached to my body?
anyways... im feeling hopeful for this new year. i love this word. hopeful. hope full. full of hope. hope is such a nice thing to carry around, isn't it old friend? hope for better days, hope to try new things, hope that everything will turn out just as it should. just as it always has. just as it always does. hope is trust. and trust is the most amazing thing this past year gave me. i trust the process. i even love it. what an amazing world. a place to trust. to love. to hope...
thanks again for listening. i hope to visit you more often now that i remember how good it feels to let it all out in your blank spaces. to let you hold my fingers as the words crawl out of my heart to finally find you and call you home. to fill you with little bits of me. we are meant to be together, you and me. me completing your voids, you, embracing my excesses away. thanks for always being there old friend. i'll see you soon. this time it’s a promise. and i’ll keep my word. just trust me.