I do nothing but think
of all the things I might tell you
once we meet.

I envision conversations
where we share our past,
Because i have no one else to share it with.

I would notice the way you would
Not look at me differently
Even after you knew
What it was like to be me.

I imagine speaking softly
Embarrassed of my tears
Happily having you there,
Listening.

I would like the way
I knew you didn't feel sorry for me
But the way it felt
As if you knew my pain.

I don't want you to cry with me,
I just want you to wipe away the tears.
To leave me bare and empty
Until all i need to say is said
And the tears needed to be shed are shed.

But yet..
it never happens.

I stumble over my words in a fury
As you talk and talk
And it kills me
Knowing thew way you
Can speak with ease.
Talking about everything
You've been through and overcome.

All i manage is a nod of my head.
I can't even say anything reassuring
Or speak of my own.
I don't know how to start
or what to say.
I don't want to cry
Or want you to be sad.
I feel stupid and embarrassed and nothing is right.

The idiot fantasy in my head
was all wrong.
I was all wrong.
Of course i couldn't do it.
It happens every day.
I sit there and nod, you talk, i think.
Think of what i can say and then how you'll react.
I change my mind.
Then I think some more.

Blink fast
Blink fast
Blink fast
Don't cry.
Look straight ahead
Pretend you don't notice
The trembling of your hands
And the clog in your throat
While the pressure
Inside your chest
Rises
With every single breath
As you try to gulp for air.

Why'd you have to bring up your dad?
****.
Your quiet.
Thinking,
Eyes slowly watering
She notices.
Scrible scrible*

There goes my progress
I give up
Let the tears roll in
And the words
tumble from my mouth
Clumsily
Wanting to get
Everything of my chest
For the first
And last time

I remember once
My cousin called me an inspiration
He cuts
Or used to at least...
He couldn't deal with the pain
Didn't know how i could handle all of mine
Truth is
I couldnt.

He said i was amazing
For going through everything i did
And how i didn't even break down
Become a cutter,
Suicidal

He said i was strong
For standing high
In the midst of things
And how they were all proud of me
And how he wished
He could be
A bit like me

I guess that
*******
Happiness
Facade
D id the trick,

Fooled everyone.

Not me.
                                                                      
Only I remember
The timeless hours spent
Crying in bed
Mad at the world
With the world mad
Right back at me
Wishing i was gone
Not knowing
What the ****
To do with my pity *** self

Guess i pulled through
Good enough to
Satisfy the rest