I woke up today, thinking 'bout my life,
And my past,
It runs up to me like a panther,
And I stutter,
Arranging the words that I have to say,
So that people won't ask questions and I don't have to mention,
How ****** up
I feel inside
I'll just put it aside

And let it collect duest
Trust - that I won't be okay but I'll say I am
And you'll believe me
That eventually I'll just become a memory
A past, a present that you'd slide in a conversation
No future
For me to participate in - I don't mind feeling like ****
It's something I'm used to I admit
I miss all of my friends but they're fine without me
And life is so funny
I feel like a joke that people keep missing the punchline
I'm in the line - queuing up for happiness
Instead what I got is the opposite
I'm sick and tired of all these misery
I feel like an old tree waiting to be cut down
And when I'm down

I lie there on the ground
Cupping my hands and say a prayer
Like a sailor I feel lost at sea
You see
I'm only 23 there's still so much for me to learn
Even though I yearn for some sort of serenity
I sling words on stage to keep my composure
Cuz I'm sure, that as I come of age
I need to learn from my mistakes
And make my scars the stepping Stones of new beginnings
And as I lie there on the ground feeling down
I gotta fill these empty cups

So I gotta get back up
And I gotta keep walking
And swim up when I feel like sinking
See I got two younger siblings
My brother he's only 20
There's still time for him to figure out who he's meant to be
And my sister she's only six I'm no example
Maybe an example for them to learn from
Even though I wanna be her Superman but man I'm just a man
Full of mistakes and flaws
I take that after the old man
But I'm not my dad
And I don't wanna be that

I'm just a man
Full of mistakes and flaws
That I gotta work on and move on
And I'll try to be a better man
****, man. I miss my grandma
I miss evenings with her watching Indonesian telly dramas
And my mama, she slaves herself away
She's always away to provide a meal on the table
And I wanna be able to make her proud
She thinks I will no doubt
And I will God's will
No matter how long it'll take me I'll keep hustlin'
Bustlin' through this mad city
You see
I'm only 23
Talking like I know ****
But I don't know ****

I remember the first time we met.

It was a festival. We were crowded
out by breathless bodies bouncing but we rocked the night away.  And I like how your eyes caught me amidst all those blank stares.

It actually started in the train - the
sharp curves of your smile pierced
through the naivety blanketing my
soul. I never breathed so sharply
before. But I didn't mind it.

We were seventeen and all we cared about were loud music and growing up.

Not realising that growing apart is
a part of that - taking up more space
around us as we add more days into
our life till the line between distance
and time becomes blurry. And we
find a home for each other in our
memories.

Naivety got the best of me. I chased
the seasons on southern winds while you
marched on with your soldier heart
searching your true north, saving us
from a civil war. And we parted.

Only to meet again.

And I am glad that we met again because my heart never understood the meaning of pain until I spoke your name.

It took some time for me to realise
that I was in love with you. It wasn't
hesitation. It wasn't fear and it certainly
wasn't doubt.

I couldn't tell the difference between
distance and time. I forgot the time
I made a home for you and I didn't know
time made a home for you while I was
there looking, for you. At you. Looking
into you. I am into you.

I am into you so deep your eyes become
the kiddie pool where I forgot I used
to play. The pool where I learned how
to breathe underwater. Talking to you
is like breathing underwater - I hold my
breath for every word you say. That's
how deep I am into you. That's how I
feel inside every time I'm with you -
Like a kid having the time of his life drifting around in his favourite kiddie pool.

Every girl I have met was a passing
season. I was always caught in the
crosswinds. Love never stayed and
they always came in second. And
I just realized that even after all these years you still came first. Number
one

two

three words that I realized I had always
wanted to say. Words that that we both
knew but I never realized. But you knew.
You always knew. And that realization hit me like a sharp breath. Like how it did back then.

The festival. You are a festival.

Truth be told, I am still deep in the pool of your eyes.

And I am in love with you. And with
great faith, I hope you are too.