you rewrote the alphabet
as you read me lullabies
you gave me a new way to spell my name
it kills me to have to say goodbye.
I thought you could hold me
& I'm so sorry I misjudged;
I was only thinking of your built, strong arms
& didn't calculate my dead weight.
It's not that you aren't what I want
(or else this wouldn't be so hard)
it's that you aren't what I need
& I realize now that you can't save me.

I'm gonna be my own white knight
find myself in the searing light
step out of my victim's shoes
work through the blackest of blues.
unfortunately,
painfully,
without you.

help me help me I need you like the summer rain blood in my veins like the white needs the stain. the hurt needs the heart the pain needs the years I loved you from the start the paranoia needs the fears. I'll sift my tears from the soil throw my guns down, no recoil. I'll rip apart the curtains to let a little light in. my nails grow my hair grows my soul has been stunted. you are blood on my floor & the knock at the door begging me to open up. baby steps are a crawl away, don't want to see another day; I feel I don't have a choice. your arms stifle & embrace me, lift up & maim me; hear the sob in my voice?

baby baby baby baby
slipping in & out of excess
you're more than just a mystery:
you're another possible me.
the weight of our worlds
rests on sunken shoulders
so pour us a shot
smolder.
teddy bears & vermilion sheets
to pull closer after every bad dream
I wish it were you instead
give up your scarred chest to rest my head.
pass back & forth the needle
to stitch our broken hearts;
trade hurt obscurities obscenities
hope we deserve these new starts.
so keep me in mind
when you lose track of signs.
leave a message or two;
I'll still remember you.

a branch is a struggle
every leaf a memory,
each smile a victory.
growth is patience
the winds that blow may bend you
but buds become twigs become branches become limbs:

the trains of thought that are faucets of the Whole;
Trinities' sum is still 1.
Singular & Complete
but controlled, organized,
knotted & divided.

'I think you know what you need to do'
he says. Shut the **** up.
You don't know what it's like to live
your whole life
walking on ceilings
then have to adjust when the meds
swivel you upright
feet on new floorboards, eyes on old skies.

It's a little backwards, I know
but I'm so ******* ****
& when everything is spinning,
the way my shade of lipstick smoothly glides
under my cupid's bow & the
shimmying twirl of a mascara wand
give me some sense of control.

I want to lick your feet clean
just so I know where you've been
just so you know I'm aaaaall yours

stare at my unfinished tattoo
hand-sewn heart & letters
stretch the skin & trace the lines
remember who I live for
how proud I am of them
& excited for who they're becoming.

A, now so much like me
but so young, naive, pure & green
came to similar conclusions
when we asked different questions
I didn't know she liked hockey

J, newly enamoured with books
so handsome & ever-increasingly charming
all the ladies (even the older, 'taken' ones)
swoon when he flutters his long lashes
& he blushes with a shy boyish smile

T, my girl. little doppelganger
reincarnation of myself, for better or worse
especially connected always
20 & 5, brunette hair from both heads
thrown wildly over the pillows,
foreheads touched together,
eyes closed & sleep blown,
arms flung over the other

E, little kitten, family baby
never fails to bring a smile
bubble of sunshine
laughs constantly
except when she doesn't