to die & let them win
Anyone who ever held me down
forced me silent & laughed
when I screamed, cried
for my Absolver, my Salvation,
my knight in shining armor,
my mommy, my daddy,
my anybody.
Hello?
& no one listened.
I wanna soothe myself
for good this time
close my eyes & never open them
eternally dream
swim through the pain
paralyzing ethereal light
pierces my vision
until spots rise up
slowly blots out all
blackness overrides
& obliterates;
snuffs the candle out.
They can't hurt me there.

I live in other people's cycles
my own too spasmodic & erratic
to seem rhythmic at first glance.
I keep rubbing my eyes
hoping to clear the fog
in my mind behind them.
pinch the bridge of my nose
til I focus
bring myself back to the moment
try not to let my Contemplative Life
drift me too far offshore
on this shaking liferaft.
Wipe the sweat from my brow
push myself further, onward
steady, Girl, you've got this.
wear myself out
photosynthesizing information
punch in punch out
exhaust myself
&collapse; in oblivion's
Forever Embrace.

all this time
with the people around me
taking everything sacred in my life
it never occurred to me
that I could give myself
reasons to live.

I gotta be better for myself
take more care of me
inside & out
purify my body
alter my high strung mind
change my surroundings
learn how to sleep
make new habits
give myself things to hold onto
intake, educate; always.
I'm going to lift myself
I have a plan
I swear to god I gotta
push through
gotta
do this for me.
success not mine,
I think I'd
collapse again
but not get up this time
lying there
paralyzed & entranced
by the weight of solid reality
that I am a heartbreak's failure. sweet lullabies
as I lie pained but at ease
trains raced, hearts rushed
    but I remained at ease.

all I dream of is how
he touches me
my weakness
nape of my neck
his hand slides up
God I love it
when he plays me so well
I bite lips
that he said
he loved kissing
my *******
that softly gifted into his hands

all I dream of is how
he touches me

he touches me
my weakness

my weakness
nape of the neck

nape of the neck
his hand slides up

his hand slides up
God I love it

God I love it
when he plays me so well

when he plays me so well
I bite lips

I bite lips
he said

he said
he loved kissing

he loved kissing
my *******

my *******
that softly gifted into his hands