and there's something comforting about a straw for a best friend
and at least now i'm using razor blades to cut something other than my skin

i'm sorry i didn't take better care of her
i know i promised and i tried so hard
but she does not love me
and it is hard to keep her safe when she is walking away

we went everywhere together
she was the only one to comfort me
2. i never left for school without gauze wrap in my back pack
i had already ruined the sleeves of too many shirts
3. she drowned out his yelling
and i did not have to be afraid
4. i still don't understand affection
she is the only one i know how to hold
5. there is a difference between coping to survive
and suicide
6. i get nervous around sharp metal
it reminds me of the scars
7. i am still attracted to toxic relationships
8. but a razor never hurt as bad as you

and i stopped having ***
when no one stopped when i asked
and i stopped trying to **** myself
when my dad told me i'm the reason he's going to put a bullet in his head
and i stopped putting holes in the wall
when my bedroom started to look too much like me
I tried to patch up the wounds
but you can still see the scars
i stopped drinking
when i couldn't tell myself apart from my dad
and i stopped smoking
after i ran away
and could still smell my house burning down

i can almost feel your hands on me
hear myself begging you to stay
this time
it's suddenly so much harder to breathe
watching you walk away
come back
because i am so sick of waking up alone

thanks sobriety
for leaving me tossing in bed at night
i still wake up crying sometimes
but i can never remember why

she says i talk in my sleep
whisper to something dead inside
the parts of me that will never wake up
but i've only ever dreamed of feeling alive

something like children
stripped bare of innocence
i never got a say in what would happen to me
couldn't teach myself to speak fast enough
what does it matter
no never meant anything to you anyway

something about shaky hands
and the way your fingers fidget when you're nervous
warm skin flushed red with
things you didn't mean to say
out loud

you see, my hands shake
and i've broken most of my teeth
and i lose weight like i lose sleep
and my eyes are open but this still feels like a dream
and i don't know how to wake up