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Ava May Dec 2018
Baby, roll me a blunt.
Let's fade away together.
Let's get lost.
Ava May Dec 2018
so, it is known that your skin regenerates every 27 days.


after 27 days, your touch is no longer on my skin.
after 27 days, my skin does not know your kisses
or his.
after 27 days, my hands have not met yours.
after 27 days, my thighs have not felt your fingertips.
after 27 days, my neck doesn't know the tingle of your lips
sometimes tongue.
                                       -for my new lover

It's been 426 days since October 15, 2017.
my skin has regenerated almost 16 times.
yet i still feel you
your hands
on my waist
places
everywhere.
my skin has not known your touch
my skin has not known your love
my skin has not known you
so why do i punish my skin
that hasn't even known you?
                                        -for the awful epitome of a man
Ava May Apr 2020
who knew these thoughts could come so early?
Ava May Dec 2018
To whom it may concern,

My body is not a playground you play with for a couple hours and then leave. My body is a palace that portrays beauty and elegance. My body is a home, so never take more then is offered. Do not over stay your welcome.

My heart has been broken a few, well many times, but if it’s placed in your trust be gentle with it. My heart has a few tears and cracks in it. be careful.

My love is strong and will take on any challenge. Try me. I’m up for the test, for i will love you like the wildest storm.

                                                      -Av­a May
Ava May Jan 2020
you asked me what i want,
i want it to be tonight.
i want it to be the end.
i want to get rid of all this pain.
i want all the noise to stop.




but that’s not how this life works. i have to go on through every dreadful day. every ******* day.
Ava May Oct 2019
take me back to years ago. take me back where i wasn’t like this. take me back when i didn’t hate so much. take me back to when i wasn’t surrounded. take me back to when i didn’t only pay attention to the rhetoric of internal slumber. emotions at rest today, having no heart to hold them anymore. where is the relief?
Ava May Aug 2020
i tend to find myself entangling myself in between your thoughts without you even realizing it.
i can read you like the back of my hand.
you're simple yet complex.
oh how i wish i could be you.
oh how i wish i could laugh like you.
i wish i could be as happy as you.
you feel heavy feelings, yet you wont shatter by a single touch.
you know pain, yet choose to not put yourself through it.
you know me, yet i still cant allow you to read me.
oh how i wish i could let you understand and hear these screams of mine.
take my mind.
take my fragile heart.
it bleeds out for you.
i am always bleeding out.
the words seep out from my mouth as the blood drains from my veins, my love shatters everything.
i don't want to shatter you, my love.
i don't want to fall apart again.
i am so tired.
my heart is so cold.
my mind is so fragile.
please be patient.
Ava May Sep 2019
i promised i wouldn’t leave
but it’s getting so hard to stay
Ava May Sep 2019
He had fire at his fingertips
so when he grabbed at my waist
he
    burned
                 soul
                        deep
Ava May Nov 2019
I want to be able to say, "I have some bad days but I am doing a lot better". I want to get better. I am begging to not feel this way anymore. Living in this body, in this mind, is so ******* exhausting. I am trying. I am trying with everything in me to get better, to be happy, to not end everything. I am ******* trying.
Ava May Jun 2019
caress my scars as if they didn’t bleed out.
understand the days i say i can not get out of bed & play with my hair & hold me.
remind me that you are not him.
learn to help me with my triggers & flashbacks.
learn to love me.
Ava May Jul 2019
it should have been you, when you asked my deepest fear. i wish i would have said you. i hate you. you are every one of my fears.
i said “being alone”
you said “snakes”
it should have been you
Ava May Nov 2018
What do you do when you're breaking yet nobody notices anymore?
Ava May Mar 2019
Under the covers
with nothing but skin
you and me
nothing else.
Ava May Dec 2018
I don't know what to say to you except that when we say goodbye I can feel my heart being torn out of my body.
Ava May Sep 2019
i wish i was ******* happy.
no one notices.
Ava May Jan 2020
You have the remote and you pressed play.
I have kept this movie paused for some time now but you pressed play.
This horror movie is on repeat within my mind.
This horror movie is tearing me up from “the inside out” and I cannot take it.
You pressed play and I cannot stop it.
Why can I not stop it?
Why isn’t he stopping?
Why is this not ******* stoping?!
Ava May May 2020
i wish everything would stop. how do you explain to a person you hate your existence? you hate your utter being. i’m in so much pain. when will it all end? i want to let go so bad. so ******* bad. but i can’t. i’m tired of putting things on people when i am the problem. i’m the ******* problem. the only way to stop a problem is to fix it or get rid of it. i don’t want to be fixed. i don’t want to be happy. i just want to be gone. i feel so empty. so worthless. nothing.
SOS
Ava May Jul 2019
i’m tired of hating myself.
Ava May Mar 2020
i want to be alone.
i want to stay inside.
i don’t want to laugh today.
i don’t want to cry today.
i just want to be alone.
please just leave me alone.
the rhetoric of my bed is calling louder than you.
i’m sorry, just leave me alone
Ava May Oct 2019
please, i’m begging you.
let me mend your soul back to happy.
let me heal the broken parts
let me help
let me ******* love you.
Ava May Feb 2019
you called me bird
because when i spoke
you felt like you were flying,
free like a bird.
Ava May Nov 2019
I think I am dying or maybe better off dying. My hands are shaking, my breath is uneasy, and my heart is starting to race. I feel you, I hear you, I taste you, I see you, and you are right here. My mind is trapped at this moment, for many different memories are rushing through. I need to get out of this maze because every way I turn it is a dead-end. A dead-end of you, your lips, your touch, your words, you. There is no way out of this maze. I can not breathe now, legs caved in, vision has gone blurry. I have no strength left, how will I survive this maze?
Ava May Jan 2020
You were my safe place,
              my home
Until you kicked in every door
         and forced me to give you
                   what you wanted
Ava May Jan 2020
nyctophilia: The love of darkness, or feeling you belong in the dark.

The dark that is where you will find me. I let the darkness grasp me in its arm and hold me tight until i’m suffocating within its touch. The darkness shields out the light of tomorrow that i do not think i can live for. The dark holds my hand as my mind wonders all the realms of this awful humanity. The darkness is okay with my sobs. The darkness is okay with the bruises and scars. The darkness doesn’t judge when you are struggling to breathe. The darkness allows you not to see yourself in that horrid mirror anymore. The darkness directs you to that doorknob by your closet. The darkness directs you to the gun downstairs. The darkness directs you to all the pills. The darkness gives you the okay. I guess you could say I’m a nyctophiliac. You can find me in the dark.
Ava May Nov 2018
Will you mind my crazy?
Will you mind the midnight screaming & midday sleeping?
Will you wrap me in your arms and let me pound on your chest with my crimson glazed knuckles?
Will you let me get lost in those gray-blue eyes to forget about the hurt; forget this pain?
Will you love the broken side?
Will you kiss the scars and glide your fingertips over them as if they are not only a part of me but a part of you?
Will you press your lips on my neck as a promise?
Will you unlock every secret?
Will you find every spot that drives me wild?
Will you love me on the inside to my outside?
Will you?
Ava May Feb 2019
He put a rose between my teeth
hoping that would keep me quiet.
He was wrong.
Ava May Jul 2019
i can’t let you fade away (like everyone else)
you have to stay (don’t go)
you’re the only one who knows the hurt (you were the hurt)
don’t fade away.
Ava May May 2020
it’s getting hard to see all the reasons.
i hate this.
Ava May Dec 2018
baby,
do you know what it's like to have all the pills lined out?
to have you're mind know its time,
time to give up?
do you know the pain?
the pain of today and the pain of tomorrow.

because i do.

but ****** being with you,
loving you.
makes the lonely not feel so lonely
makes the sadness not feel so heavy
makes the soul not feel so dark.


you are so magnificently perfect

you embrace the broken
the bruised
the damaged
the ripped apart
the non consensual
parts of me.

you make me okay.

so please,
come into my house.
yes there is a few broken windows
& busted floor boards.
stay for a while.
Ava May Apr 2020
turn off your phone, nobody actually wants to hear from you.
you’re really going to eat all of that?
someone should really cover up all these mirrors.
there’s no hope for you.
lost cause.
worthless.
disgusting.
stay in bed.
die.
die.
die.
DIE.
surviving shouldn’t be this hard, mom.
Ava May Mar 2020
it didn’t work.
****.
Ava May Apr 2020
i wish i could tell you, i know you’d understand.
i’m sorry.
i didn’t mean to trigger you.
i’m struggling.
i’m sorry.
i wish i could tell you, but i’m scared i’ll only make your progress worse.
i wish i could help myself.
am i okay?
Ava May Dec 2018
i write to feel the release of ever going mix of emotions.
so read a little.
feel my pain
feel my love
feel my past
spilling through each line
Ava May Jan 2019
baby, you have a purpose.
a purpose to live
a purpose to love
a purpose to breathe
a purpose to be in this very moment
so hold on.
hold on, for me.
Ava May Sep 2019
why doesn’t anyone care?
Ava May Sep 2019
what do you do when you’re the problem?
what do you do when everything is your fault?
why do i **** everything up?
why am i me?
why am i still ******* here?
i’m the ******* problem.
Ava May Dec 2018
Feeling everything
yet nothing
all at once.
Ava May Apr 2020
“i’m sorry
please don’t think it’s your fault. life will go on and you will heal from all these wounds. remember you deserve happiness and nothing but it. remind yourself as much as i did, you’re worth it. every second. every minute. everything. i’m sorry i can’t talk about it. i’m sorry i’m not helpful. i’m sorry i’m not as strong as you. i’m sorry. i wish i could fix this. i wish i wasn’t the problem. i wish i could tell you everything. i wish it didn’t have to be this way. i love you. stay safe and stay strong, i believe in you.”

don’t leave. stay.

i’m still here.
i wish nights weren’t so hard.
Ava May Jul 2020
just realized
i might be a hopeless romantic
Ava May Jan 2020
why did it not work?
why the **** did it not ******* work?
i am so tired of this world.
why the **** did it not work?
why the **** am i not better after years of pleading a higher power to just fix everything?
why the **** did the god everyone prays to not ******* take me?
this is all too much.
i don’t know what to do anymore.
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