i don't know who i am.
there are two people inside of me,
they don't even fight anymore...
they live in harmony now.

there is the me of the day...
timid. shy. careful.
always sure to do the right thing.
always sure to be the right person.
to say the right things.
to ignore the wrong people.
the good person.

and then there is the me of the night.
she appears the moment the sun sets....
bold. ambitious. dangerous.
she's a different person, this night self of mine.
she doesn't give a flying **** about anyone.
she's quite the selfish ***** to be honest.
she needs. she craves. she gets what she wants.
she ***** the guy that makes her feel like the sun,
                                                    even though he is someone else's.
she kisses the ******* who made her pay
          seventeen ******* dollars for parking in the morning
                                                         ­              until his lips bleed.
she breaks the sweetheart who wanted to show her
                                                      that not all men are quite so evil.
and she still isn't done.
she gets greedy. and her soul turns black.
and she takes the beautiful man in front of her and she ruins him.
the vulnerable one, the one with the feelings and cares
                       the one who wants to make love to her to  purple rain
she will eat him alive. she will make love to him. she will **** him.
she will make him feel whole.
and then she will leave him,
                        because she is not capable of accepting love
and then maybe she is done for the night.
and she says goodbye, until tomorrow and lays her head down.
and she falls asleep.

the next day the careful me awakes.
looks back and says what the **** have i done?

there is a monster inside of me. capable of terrible things....
                                    *i cannot control her.

it's happening again,
that monster is creeping up again.
it never really goes away...
i can try my hardest but it's never possible to outrun who you are..
                                                                                                           not really.
i can be a good girl,
the best there ever was.
the beast can be tamed, it is a proven fact.
it has happened before, it will probably happen again..
                                                               but it isn't right now. not even close.
i have been set free.
it wasn't what i wanted,
but it happened anyways.
                                                                                         and now here i am
too long without the feeling..
the excitement of knowing in that moment they have never
                                                                                      wanted anything more
than they want you right then. right there.
                                       to be touched, to be kissed, to be needed.

my demons refuse to be drowned,
                                                                      they have learned how to swim.
and they are hungry.....

I am feeling like myself.
I am not sure that is a good thing.
I will find a way to get what I want.
I will not care who I hurt getting it.
I am back to myself.
And I want to be touched again.

i knew it wouldn't last, that it was too good to be true.
the darkness never entirely leaves.
i had one and a half good weeks,
good weeks of me.
i haven't felt so myself in so long.
for one and a half weeks i felt whole.
i had energy and motivation,
i felt like i could lift mountains and solve the world.
i got out of bed in the morning without protest.
and then today happened,
and when my alarm went off i hit snooze.
the darkness is back, and it is swallowing me whole.
i used my time while i had it,
i laughed and i lived,
and now my time has passed and once again i am surviving.
i am struggling to make it through today.
i want more than anything to crawl into my bed,
engulfed in the warmth of my covers,
fall asleep and never wake up.
i am doing everything in my ability to finish today.
i'm scared it isn't going to be enough.
i can feel myself slipping away. i am struggling to hold on..
i knew this would return, it was a matter of time.
but it's hitting me like a truck.
i can feel every part of me deflating,
every ounce of life i had being absorbed by this evil.
your demons can only catch you if you let them.
*mine are catching up.

you are toxic.
every move you make ignites me.
every fingertip on my skin shatters me.
one brush of your lips and i am gone.
when you leave, a piece of me dies.
each day, more of myself fades away.
you have captured me,
and you will not let me go.
give me one night, please,
i beg of you, just one night.
put me out of my misery.
one night to end all my agony.
give me one night full of you.
**give me a lethal dose.