amc - Hello Poetry

amc Jan 2014

everything was white,
the ground, the branches, the sky.
everything coated in glistening beauty.
and it was so quiet.
i could hear my own heartbeat.
the wind would blow
and the trees would sway.
i laid down on the white,
and i thought i could stay there forever.
staring at the white sky,
feeling the crystals melt on my face.
i could fall asleep
right here, right now,
and never wake,
and be happy with that.

amc Jan 2014

too **** proud.

i had a vision...
i walked over to your place.
i called you and told you i was outside.
i don't have to stay long,
you don't even have to let me up,
i just want to see you real quick.
you came downstairs.
and i hugged you.
the next time you go dark,
you call me first.
if i have to find out
through ******* twitter again,
i will show up here unannounced,
and i will not leave.
and i caressed your face,
and kissed your cheek,
and walked away.

isn't it funny,
how we can imagine all the perfect things
that we could have done
or would like to do,
that would have improved the situation,
once they are non-factors?
that after that horrible argument,
and all those terrible things you said,
you have epiphanies,
if only you had said one thing,
the one thing they really wanted to hear,
but you were too stupid to see.
or if you had just held them,
when they were screaming at you,
why the **** do you not care?
and instead of getting defensive,
had realized what they were really saying,
and you just held them?

we spend so much time reliving moments
wishing things had gone down differently
and analyzing our part in the situation
but once we know what we were supposed to say,
how often do we really say it?
once you realize that all they wanted was a simple
i love you, i am here for you,
how often do we show up at their doorstep and deliver the message?

as a whole we act brave and invincible.
we are the greatest species alive,
nothing can break us.
but in reality we are so scared.
scared to tell people how we feel,
scared to put ourselves out there.
scared of vulnerability.

i really wish i had the nerve
to show up on your doorstep
and let you know that you are what i think about
when i am falling asleep at night.

amc Jan 2014

you.

i used to trust until given a reason not to,
where most do not until given a reason to.
i always was a little bit backwards in that regard.
and then came along a bad string of life experiences.
my trusting philosophy shattered into a million pieces.
and i stopped trusting, i stopped loving.
he took the most intimate part of me, without my permission.
and i stopped letting people in.
i could trust no man, sleep next to no man.
love no man.
and then you came along,
and you made me believe in men again.
i learned to trust you. i learned to love you.
and i fell asleep next to you.
i let you push my boundaries. i let you hold me,
i let you take control of me.
because i trust you, like i have never trusted another.
i fear for you. i worry about you.
so much, all the time.
fear and sadness and despair,
are all byproducts of love.
this is what i asked for. tragic, terrifying, undying, painful love.
it found me.
and i am not letting it go.
i am not letting you go.

amc Jan 2014

burden.

sometimes, i stand back.
and i look at myself as a stranger might see me.
and i am forced to realize that maybe i do a little too much.

i take on the problems of everyone around me.
i face their demons as if they were my own.
i make myself responsible for all those who i love.

it's kind of funny in retrospect.
i work so hard to keep everyone alive,
yet i have so little regard for my own life.

like if i disappeared, what would it really matter?
but in truth, if i was gone,
who would take over my role in so many lives?

i cannot ignore pain as most can.
i cannot see you hurt and just walk away,
i am compassionate and i am selfless.

and i believe that it may be killing me.
because not only do i feel my own depression,
i feel the depression of fifteen of my closest friends.

i drown over and over and over again.
today i was okay, every tragedy of everyone i love at bay.
but then it struck again. at the person i value above the rest.

i feel the need to save everyone and anyone.
and i can never and will never accept that i cannot do that.
i will save them all, or die trying.

because i will face your demons,
i will take responsibility for your life,
and i will suffer right next to you.

*because i love you

amc Jan 2014

how do you write about happiness

I feel so good.
This is going to be a semester to remember,
I can feel it, things are changing for me.
I haven't written anything in a while.
And maybe that's because I don't know how to write about the good.
I only know about the pain and the aching and the despair.
How do you write something beautiful that isn't tragic?
Honestly I am not sure.
My classes are going well.
I spent the perfect night with the man I'm hopelessly craving.
I have the best group of friends on the planet.
And my life is going fabulously.
And I feel good. Honestly, beautifully good.
But I miss writing.
And I don't know how to write about being happy.
There is no pain to drive me.
No sorrowful verses forming in my mind.
I am not in pain.
And I don't know how to write about that.

amc Jan 2014

it is a disease

when it strikes,
it consumes you.
courses through your veins,
and devours your thoughts.
and all you are is need.
every inch of you is thirsting.
you are craving and
you are dying.
*there are few things
as powerful as desire.

amc Jan 2014

funny how a melody sounds like a memory

one moment i am lying in my bed.
alone, miles and miles away from you.
and then a song comes on.

                                                                                   and in that instant i am gone,
                                                                                            we are lying in your bed,
                                                            you are holding me as we are falling asleep
and then it changes.
                                                                        and you're looking at me explaining
                                                                                    that you care about me, a lot,
                                                                               but you just aren't ready for me
and it changes once again.
                                                                       and you're laughing as i tell you that
                                                         when urges are felt, they must be acted upon
                                                               and before i know it your lips are on mine,
                                                       you're kissing me with such passion, such love,
                                                                           never before have i felt such a kiss,
                                                                                            and we aren't stopping.

and i roll over, turn off the music.
and i go to sleep.