why i did it.
why i went and saw him.
everyone asked me,
pleaded with me,
******* screamed at me to not go see him.
but there was something in me.
something that needed to.
something that was not leaving me alone.
and wasn't going to,
until i gave it what it wanted.
so i went there.
i sat on his couch.
i don't know why i did.
maybe i needed to prove something to myself.
that it wasn't love.
that it isn't lust.
that it can't be hatred.
i don't know.
                                                         maybe i just needed to show him.
                                                         that i am okay now.
                                                         that he made the mistake.
                                                        ­ that when he lost me,
                                                         he lost everything.
it's such ******* though,
i'm a ******* disaster.
i didn't let him see that though.
i was strong.
it was kinda nice, for a while.
like old times.
and then i was reminded why it's been so long.
because he ruined me.
he tried to hold me.
i almost puked.
                         so i yelled at him to leave me alone.
he told me i'm beautiful.
he said he loves me,
he misses me,
it's so nice to see me.
what comes next is the best part.
he had the audacity...
he opened his mouth,
and what does he ******* say?
he says,
i'm so sorry i ***** you.
it is my biggest regret.
                                                       ­   like what the **** is that.
                                                          t­hat's going to help?
                                                          l­ike i need some magical healing?
                                                        ­  like you can ******* apologize, and everything is ******* okay?
i didn't look at him again.
i put on my boots.
and my coat.
i grabbed my keys.
and i walked out the door.

lol because really?
i'm sorry i ***** you?
burn in hell, *******.

i hate the stress.
i love the stress.
i hate the studying.
i love the fact that i don't study.
i hate the fact that i'm stuck here till friday.
i love the fact that i'm stuck here till friday.
i hate the fact that i have to go home.
i love the fact that this semester is finally over.
i hate saying goodbye.
i love saying hello again.

starts the same.
i wake up, and i'm alive.
and i have hope.
hope for the day.
that today will be better,
better than yesterday.
and not as good
as tomorrow.
but the farther i get
into the day,
into today,
the less hope i have.
the worse things get.
and by the time i climb into bed,
i can barely breathe.
it gets dark in my mind,
so dark.
and all i can do
is hope for tomorrow.

was a reminder.
of who i am.
of what my name means.
of what i stand for.
of everything that made me.
of everywhere i have been.
and everywhere that i have yet to be.

all it took was a reminder of myself.
                                   to forget you.

i
don't
want
to
be
alone
tonight.

*and you're the only person i want to be not alone with.