well i did it, i beat the odds.
***** three years ago by an ex boyfriend more times than anyone can count? that's poor luck.
you would have thought i was all out of miserable circumstances.
you would have thought wrong.
because what are the chances i would feel comfortable enough to open up to someone about my abuse history, and they would take advantage of it?
what are the chances that he would react carefully and perfectly,
seeing his opportunity and taking it like the ******* he is.
so now i have two rapists. two.

i didn't accept it at first, i thought it was cruel joke.
it took a friend to tell me that yes, ashley, you were ***** to open my eyes
i haven't been able to shut them since
it has been two and a half months now
i think i'm only getting worse.

i'm in a downward spiral, i don't know where i am headed but i know it isn't good.

have you ever seen a movie where the character is standing still on like a new york street, but the cars and the other people and everything are a moving blur?
it's like that. like i can see everything and everyone around me happy and living but i am standing so ******* still my hair won't even move in the wind. and i can't catch a breath because somehow i am even too exhausted to remain upright.

I named her.
It made her real.
Something I could identify.
Something I could attempt to control.
I call her my midnight friend.
She is a lot more than that.
She is my defender.
She is my goddess.
She lives inside of me.
A part of me, but still completely separate.
I am still working on figuring out what that means.
I know she is stronger than me, fiercer, too.
She has a short temper and a high *** drive.
I keep her on a leash.
She doesn't like it, but she understands.
She is my life warrior. She keeps me going.
Without her I would crumble...

She is happy to have a name now.
We get along better this way.

i hope all of your days are full of clear blue skies.
i hope you find the woman of your dreams, and that you live happy lives.
i hope you are never sad again,
and that when you remember me, you remember a friend.
i hope you know how much you mean to me.
in my mind, you will always be a happy memory.
just know that i understand i missed my chance.
but when i have to say goodbye, i will look back for one last glance.
i wish i would not have taken you for granted.
it took my far too long to see you had me completely enchanted.
losing you will always be my one regret,
you taught me what love looks like, for that i am ever in your debt.

I drove twenty minutes out of my way today,
just for the chance to run into you.
I stayed long after my exam was done,
just so I could maybe bump into you in the hall.
I stare at your contact in my phone,
just in case you can feel me and get the urge to call.
I wore the jeans I know you like today,
I wanted to feel beautiful for you.
I didn't see you though....
I don't know if you're avoiding me,
or if I just have bad timing.
But I know I haven't heard from you in a week.
And I don't know if I know why.
I don't regret kissing you,
even though we knew we shouldn't have.
I don't need you to rearrange your life.
I don't want to be your girlfriend.
I don't have the capacity for that right now.
But I miss talking to you every night,
I miss the butterflies I got at your stupid jokes.
And I miss the way you make me smile.
I miss the way you look at me like I am everything.
I miss the way you make me feel like I could love again.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
I wish you could really understand this.
I really wish I my emotions were coherent enough for that.
I just wish you would just come back to me.
If only things had been different, back when you first said hello.
*Maybe we could have had a chance then

i just wanted you to give me a reason.
tell me it's real. tell me it's something.
tell me you care.
tell me what we did wasn't a mistake.
tell me i make you feel good.
and that it's nice just being around me.
tell me anything.
give me a reason to believe in you.

I'm still trying to figure it out.
I don't know if I'll ever get a handle on it.
Some days I think I've got it,
and then I look in the mirror and see I was wrong.
Am I the good girl, the always there for you girl?
Or the cold heartless ***** who takes care of herself?
The driven woman, that conquers her dreams?
Or the coward who crushes under her fear?
I have no idea. Sometimes I'm all at once. Sometimes none.
Am I the girl that can handle juggling all the men?
Or am I the girl who wants just one?
Do I even want any?
Am I the girl that has meaningless ***? The feel good girl?
Or am I the girl that is willing to wait for intimacy?
I can't make up my mind.
One moment I'm fine alone, perfectly content to my life of solitude.
The next... the next I want to be held. And I don't care by whom.
I scare myself sometimes, with these things I do.
I lead an impulsive life and I can't keep up with it.
I can't sort out the feelings in my head.
I can't make sense of any of it.
I'm losing a race against myself and I don't know what is at the finish line.

At least tonight I learned one thing.
I am not the girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend.
No matter how lonely I am, I will never be that girl.

*or at least I really hope not