Playing tag with your shadow
Waiting for just the right moment to pounce
The light and night begin to play tricks on my ****** eyes
Twisting and turning between darkness and sunlight
Slinking and slithering around my feet teasing my senses
Floating through the room inside my soul
So easily, so gracefully, so quickly
Never staying in one corner for too long
I turn my head and you are gone.

One moment you seem larger than life
The next you are nothing put a speck of dust
As I slowly begin to believe the hallucination I see is real
Shape distorts and you have become an unrecognizable monster
I get so close but can't hold on
You slip through my skin like a spirit
Taking all the life breath as you pass through my hollow shell of a body.

So many times in this life hope is crushed by
desperation, despair and deceit
On some rare occasions there is a sliver of abundant happiness
It becomes contagious
Spreading from one gentle smile to the next
Through a crowded city street
Exchanged over and over between friends, lovers, coworkers and strangers

I stand in total amazement
As one small gesture
One person's expression of caring becomes a
waterfall of love and jubilation
Washing over all it comes in contact with.

Hope as small as a grain of sand
Can truly build into a mountain
One helping hand
Can carry the weight of this weary world.

Dancing doodle bug gliding across this blank sheet of trees
Up and down
Sideways and front ways and back ways
Only visible to me
Shapes morph into people
Dots that join together to form the endless chain of imagination
Monotonous Motion
A reflex to mindless flow of thought
Sound folds into one continuous stroke across the universe
My brain has drifted into an endless abyss of creativity
Any possibility can occur
Ordinary is no longer reality
Every movement bends light to energy
Every drop of ink comes to life
Animates the simple structures into
Complex creations
Infinite possibility of white
Every vision, every dream develops into
the life gifted to the page

Its a pain that I'm unable to explain.
Physical yet emotional all in the same way.
To the outside world its invisable and non-existent
But inside there is a stabbing, gut wrenching pain.
A blade being ****** through my abdomen over and over again.
Until nausea over comes and chokes me close to drowning
The very organs that make me a woman are poisoning my blood, my life force
Every emotion is magnified, intensified
made into a life ending dilema
Every nerve throbbing, transferring through every part
Making my legs weak and my heart race
The blood running through my veins has become acid
Alone in this prison of emotional and physical hell
No tender hand to caress my cheek
No soothing, comforting words to lul me to sleep
No strong arms to wrap me up tight
No soft lips to kiss me goodnight
The darkness of solitude is seeping in
To encompass and destroy any small bit of hope left
Fate has cursed my every move
Tarnished every hello, expecting and waiting for the goodbye
Destined to wallow for all eternity in my own tears

Amidst  a lush farm of green as far as the eye can see
Is a barren plot of soil that is as dead as dead can be

No plant will take seed there
No fertile soil to produce or replicate
Dry patch of earth, so unwanted
Such an eye soar to the surrounding farms

Void of all nutrients
Void of life giving springs
Dust and brown decay fill the air
No harvest will exist there
How sad that the reason for its existence does not apply
How sad no farmer will take the time to tend her, care for her
Time to turn over the soil until life is reborn far beneath the surface.

When the sun is blinding over head
and the sky is as blue as sadness
When the depth of darkness is masked by a smile.
When the haunting memories are washed away
How easy it is to love me?

Easy to see on the surface, only the small piece of my soul that I have chosen to show.
Simple and clear
Apparent but invisible to all the world
Her true self manifest into a sugar coated vision of your imagination
How bizarre that pain in me, is seen as bliss by you?

I have become a master at my trade
The game of deception and disguise
Locking away the form that is reality
Bury deep any unconventional thought
Polished and Polite to the outside world
Predictable, painted, shield
Designed to destroy all light

As a child the frustration and aggravation we caused our parents counting down the days until Christmas or our Birthday.

And those afternoons in elementary school trying not to doze off while counting the minutes until the dismissal bell would ring.

The older I got the more I've counted my life away.
Count the years until 16 to be able to drive and be free.
Count the years until 21 to be able to drink and feel like a grownup.

Counting the months then years of the length of each relationship
Waiting to be wed.

Then counting the negative pregnancy tests over and over becoming hopeless that I would ever be able to count little toes and fingers.

Counting the tears that I shed for my husband, as the fairy tale family I dreamed of turned into a nightmare.

Counting the nights left alone, scared and waiting for him to return home.

Counting the minutes between each contraction.
Counting the moments before my miracle would arrive.
Then counting the staples in my belly where she had to be taken from my body so that we would survive.
Finally counting ten piggies and ten little fingers

Counting the hours and days daddy left us alone and scared in the hospital for him to party and drink.

Counting the paragraphs on the separation papers
Counting the steps to the court house
Counting the people watching as my romance and love was flushed away

Counting the almost endless nights praying for me and my baby
Counting her smiles, counting her wishes
Counting her Birthday's

Counting the moments I am blessed to be her mom
Counting the hours of work to be able to return home to her.
I will spend my lifetime counting.