It's an irritating itch that I cannot reach.
A nightmare that replays over and over.
This undying urge to search for love.

Addicted to the high that comes with new and possible forever,
Constantly looking under every rock, afraid that it has already passed me by.
Blind to warnings, lies or danger.
Seeking comfort, affection, admiration from a stranger.

Obsessed with this ideal, this fairy tale that becomes a drug.
Drunk off the thoughts, the memories of a love.
Drowning in solitude, I gasp for the sweet air only he can give.

Always wearing my heart and every emotion on my sleeve.
Exposed, Naked in a crowd.
So many scars cover what's left of my soul.
They bleed and reopen, still I seek something to fill this whole.
Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one around to hear.
Never truly finding it is my greatest and only fear.

Stuck on this carousel of life
Unable to get free
Constantly going up
Or coming down
Round and Round we go

Makes me dizzy to look at the world as it spins
So fast that the scene of people becomes a blur
Constantly moving and changing shape

As a child it was awe inspiring
The magic the beauty of the colors
No worries of what is flying past
Just enjoying the ride
Smiling, laughing carefree and happy

The more we age, the more the fun begins to turn to worry
Instead of wanting to go faster
We wish we could slow down and enjoy every second
Freeze moments in time
Freeze emotions
Freeze memories

This broken carousel holds us hostage
To a world moving so fast we can't see
What beauty and joy lies directly in front of us
Until one day the gears will wear down
The paint will fade
and the music will stop forever.

Because I never got to say goodbye
This letter is all the reasons and feelings I kept inside.
I took for granted our youth and the promise of tomorrow.
Now every day I am drowning in this sorrow.
I thought you would always be there, always care, always listen, always be my shoulder to lean on.
I never imagined in the blink of an eye you would be gone.
This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write,
I just hope you know my heart even though you are no longer in my sight.
Every moment that became a memory is so very precious to me.
Even though our time together on this earth was short, I will cherish every laugh, every smile
every sweet word you gave to me.
The time we spent in Virginia was like heaven to me.
Walking hand in hand.
Laughing, talking, sharing, embracing, kissing
The rest of the world ceased to exist.
Or the walk through the park as you put your arms around me to keep me warm.
Or Sunday afternoon having coffee and conversing for hours.
You gave me hope and another way to view this cruel world.
You gave me strength to finally stand up for myself,
even though I never told you .
You brought out the best in me.
My world is so much darker without your light.
You had the kindest heart.
I will miss you always and I pray that I can hold the memories of you
like a movie in my mind to play over and over until we meet again.
Know that you took a piece of my heart with you.
I love you Jonathan. And I will hold that love in my heart until my days on this earth have ended.

In the flash of a memory I am transported back in time,
To the first time we ever met, seems like a eternity ago.
I remember up until that point boys had cooties, but
When we met that all changed.

I can still see that cute, sweet little boy who caught my attention.
Sitting in a desk in front of mine.
I remember waiting until recess to play and sing.
A sweet innocence of youth that we shared.

Then as the years passed by we went down different paths.
But even though you were not in my sight I often wondered
How you were, where you were, did you ever wonder about me too.

Then fate crossed how souls once more, over twenty years later.
When you walked in the room, all the memories flooded my heart.
I knew you face, would have recognized you anywhere.
The same beautiful smile, the same kind eyes.

Automatically we picked up right where we left off.
The connection between our souls remained, even after the miles
and years apart.
What a blessing to have you return to my life.

Conversations lasted for hours, glances burned into my brain.
You are forever impeded in my heart.
Friendship and love filled the empty void.

We keep in touch and you have been my shoulder to lean on
My confidant, my defender, my voice of reason.
Now once again this cruel world has separated our earthly bodies,
But you need to know, no matter what the situation, no matter how far,
no matter how hard the road ahead may be,
My heart is with you,
My soul speaks to yours in a language only we can understand.
I am here, and always will be.

Almost unbelievable how fast a human emotion can mutate
One minute is filled with visions of love and a future so wanted and deserved
The next is a nightmare of deceit, betrayal and heartbreak

Am I to shut off my humanity, become cold and calculated?
Guarded to any emotion good or bad
Self preservation, lock down what is left of my heart?

No one is to be trusted, selfish uncaring, heartless being
I was tangled up in the words you fed me, in your web of lies
Struggling to get free, unmovable in the thick substance bonded to my soul

How could I be so blind?
The best Casanova I have every encountered.
Too good to be true.

That’s ok, take your victory
For you have won the battle not the war
I will come out on top and be much stronger than before.

I want to live in the moment just before our lips meet,
Where one breathe is shared by two bodies.
Every time my eyes close, I want to be transported into the inferno of desire
Where each and every thought is only of you and the fire burning between us.
A place where only your touch is essential to my survival.
Needed and wanted more than air or water.
Where time stands still and the world around us evaporates.

I want to rest in the depth of your gaze.
Safe, and worshiped
Looking in your eyes I see my true reflection, something much deeper than the exterior
A true vision of my soul.

To taste nothing but the sweetness of your kiss
Moist and soft, warm and gentle
The taste of ecstasy.

To only hear the soothing sound of your voice.
Singing me a lullaby, whispering words of love softly saying my name.

To only inhale your scent, captivated by your cologne
A smell that lingers even when you are gone and reminds me of all the ways and reasons
I fall in love with you over and over again.
All my senses have been overcome by you and everything that you are.

Distance is my enemy
Space has imprisoned me
This void swallows me whole
Holding my heart in a vice until you are here to release it.

Miles of highway hold me hostage
Rope made of time binds my soul
My dreams are my only solace until you return to my arms.

Solitude is torture when there is someone you crave to be next to,
Loneliness starts to seep in, Covering my heart slowly until I feel as if I am drowning.
The breathe being pulled out of my lungs,
So painful, so intense, losing consciousness
Being here without you literally causing so much pain.

Unfair fate, you tease me
Allowing me to find my true love, my one and then not allow us to stay together.
Cruel Karma, is this your will?
To truly experience ecstasy
Only to have it snatched away from me.

To wander in the darkness
Knowing the position of my light
But never being able to contain it.
The time together seems to disappear in the blink of an eye
While the seconds become days without you.