music. there is no description for it
i could spend endless amounts of time
thinking of every word that fits it
but the only one that fits, for me is
alive.

music makes me feel alive.

bass pounding, words screaming
i wish i could dance all day and all night
the music urges me, it tells me
to sing as loud as i can and
dance as hard as i can
soft guitar, voices whispering
my soul responds with hunger
more. more. more.
the voices penetrate my mind
the rhythm and melody raise goosebumps
tears in my eyes. from pain? happiness?
i don't even care.

lose yourself.
when music is on, i am gone.
i have left this world and entered
another one. a better one.
a world full of endless love and beauty
in this world, anything is possible
in this world, i am sara bareilles
and i have a voice
that angels would be jealous of
in this world, my dance enchants every person for miles
in this world, i dance on top of clouds
and when i sing, music notes float
from my voice in perfect pitch

without music, there is no world
it is empty, dark and
i am lost
instead of color, it is merely
black and white
without music, i am a drug addict
trying to recover
i sweat, i shake and have the urge
without music
there are little memories made
no singing with windows down
no dancing with hairbrush in hand
no songs to sing every word to
without music, there is no feeling
of being alive
no feeling of anger, sadness, and complete
bliss.


music is my soulmate.
my one true love
and we are to live a long
and happy life

must. must. must. stop the acid from rising
like a bubble to the surface,
it must not reach.
must. must. must. let the window sing all the melodies,
refused so long before.
write the colors, taste the caress.
must. must. must. no longer let these shadows run freely,
no harness. no control.
demonic laughs. no concealment.
must. must. must. write the word "love" upon my wrists,
and then my stomach, and then my *******, and then my legs
and then my feet and then my hands.
the ink will sink. sink. sink. into me.
maybe then. maybe then.

my beautiful baby, would it hurt to know
how his mouth hungrily ate my lips?
would it **** you to know
how his hands encountered my
aches, my scars,
my lady love?
my beautiful darling, what would
your face look like if i told you
his arms closely resembled yours?
what colors would your eyes be when
i described the rumble of his voice?
where would your fingers touch
when i showed you the bite marks,
the bruises of savage love?

i know what i would do.
i would touch your cheeks with my fingertips.
i would **** every color of yours into my lungs
and breathe them out into the rising dawn.
i would nibble your fingers, tasting
the throbbing of distress.

and i would kiss you. kiss you. kiss you.

for no matter who. no matter what.
my handsome man.
no one compares.
believe me when i say,
my heart is yours.
oh, my handsome man,
i am yours.

you're that ******* scab i keep picking at,
only to have the blood spill and harden
again.

with a smile and a snap,
you expect my clothes to appear on the floor.
with a stupid combination of words
you wish for me to drop to my knees.
oh babe, how blind are you?
there are tears flowing down my cheeks
for i haven't been able to stop laughing.

keep thinking what you want
imagine me in any position your black heart
desires.
i'll play along. whisper all the ***** words
your ears die to hear.
i'll fix my hair real nice,
powder my face to perfection
and i'll appear, like some fairy
you never would have believed in.

darling, am i not a goddess?
kiss my feet, you worthless animal
say you are sorry until you have no voice left

i will take your face in my hands
put your lips to mine
and spit the poison you fed me back
into your mouth
i will shove you to the floor
throw my head back and laugh
dig my heel into your back
until blood trickles like small rivers

leave. i will leave you. just like all those years ago
when you left me.


babe, it was all too simple.


oh, hello *******.
my name is karma, it's a pleasure to meet you.

i wear my insecurities like my eyeliner, bold,
thick, never exactly matching,
never exactly perfect.
i embrace my flaws, like i shake
my *** when i dance,
unsteady. wild, a flame that festers
and blossoms.
i kiss my demons, like i eat a
milkshake, salivating, slurping,
a lover with no inhibitions.

i do not wear my insecurities,
instead i shove them down my throat,
hoping the stomach acid will dissolve.
destroy. them.
i do not embrace my flaws,
instead i push them back hard,
watching them fall to the ground and
break like glass.
i do not kiss my demons,
instead i spit in their faces, bite on
their cheeks until the hot, pulsing
tastes like
peppermint.

you pulled the pearls tighter upon
my throat and maybe it was the alcohol,
or the way your tongue fit between my teeth
too perfectly,
but i swear i could see our atoms colliding together,
and i wanted our explosions
to fill the night sky with asteroids
and shooting
stars.

i'm needy.
but i hate saying it.
not once, have i admitted it out loud.
but on paper...at least it seems
somewhat safe.
you see, with the people in the past
they would know
and they would run so far
away
that there was no hope for me
so, i decided to shut the world out
be independent. because love
just wasn't worth it.

but...now i am in need again.
i am in need of you.
i am in need of your kisses.
i am in need of your embrace.
i am in need of your tongue.
i am in need of your laugh.
i am in need of you.
you.
you.
you.

if i said this to you
would you run away?

i'm afraid to tell the truth
but the truth is...

i am needy. i am greedy. i am selfish.
i want you. all the time.
i sometimes think my head is
going to explode
because you are there, always.
my thighs ache.
and i become delusional.
i need you so much.
a day seems like a year without you
oh.
i.
need.
you.

yes, you will call me crazy
yes, you will shake your head
and yes, you will laugh
but i hope you will understand
after all, this is your fault
you started it all
and now, you must take responsibility

you must...no, you have to.
you have to say you need me too.
or i will no longer survive
you have to breathe me in.
you have to be on fire without me.
you have to miss me so much.
you have to realize that no one else
can make you feel so alive.
you have to realize.
because if you don't,
i will fall apart

there is no more rational.
logic has been long forgotten
all i know is
i need your love
i need you.

please say you need me too

i have found myself while dancing,
grinding against walls scribbled with
martinis and broken ideas.
i have seen myself through others,
the girl who wobbles through neon colors,
the girl who shakes until sweat paints a fresh new coat.
i have heard my gospel,
through the thunderous speakers,
the screams of people who want a warm bed.
i have lost myself while dancing,
falling to absent galaxies,
trying to find a light to guide me home.
relying on the touch of unknown men,
to **** this star wallowing deep inside of me.
i do not know who i am
when i am dancing.
i want to think i am the milky way,
or a black hole,
gasping everything entirely.

your hands are feathers
and their trails brand my skin.
your lips envelop me, and you
eat me whole.
your eyes are my freedom,
and i want to lose myself in them.
your skin is my playground,
and i always find something new.
fumbling in the dark, barely seeing,
but the sight of your outline
is enough to bring me to tears.
your breath caught in mine.
your skin tangled in mine.
pulling me into you, i have lost everything.
and you.
you.
are in my every crevice.
every pore.
every hair.
every scar.
every eyelash.
every muscle.
every vein.
and you dive deeper and deeper
until your sweat is my sweat.
your fingerprints are my fingerprints.
your desire is my desire.
you soak in my moans
and my shivers are your salvation.
your hand grasps
while your mouth is ablaze
the rhythm of your hips
the edges of your teeth
the scent of your ***
the maps on your skin
is my nighttime desire
every night, i want you. and me.
in the same bed.
rolling around, the sheet stuck to us
like paste.
and we. we are one.

sometimes i become so sad,
that all i want to do is sit on the creaky bathroom
tiles
and cry until i heave and hiccup like a
lonely child.
i will be newborn and ugly,
and i will roll in the earth to become whole
again.
i can feel my veins exploding,
and i can only hope they’re kaleidoscopes,
catching lights of leaves i haven’t seen,
and oceans i haven’t yet tried to
drown in.
my legs are tired. i need to stop
running to somewhere which is never there.
somehow, these are always about you.
but you’ll never know.
i’d rather set my veins

Free.

every second i miss you.
it's become so bad, i start to ache.
it's an illness, and the only cure is your lips.
your voice will suffice for now, but i need
to trace my fingertips upon your face
remember all the familiar creases.
your body, i need it absorbed into mine.
i can't feel anything without you.
your heartbeat is my lullaby
falling asleep takes too long.
digging my nails into my arm
hoping to have a spark
but nothing compares to your hand grasped
around my hand.
the bruises on my legs
are nothing to the bruises that are from
your savage love.
nothing. nothing. nothing.
it's all nothing without you.
with you, it's everything.

once upon a time, i woke without your
resonance vibrating through my callused fingers.
once upon a time, i traveled without the constant
and never-ending presence of you.
once upon a time, i could have never remembered the shape
of your freckles, the churning of your irises.
once upon a time, i would have laughed at the idea of needing someone
so terribly, so hungrily.

this time, i cannot blink without the inordinate yearn
to bleed among your crackling pigmentation.
this time, the thought, the mere idea of mornings without you,
are enough to
**** me.

during steaming showers, i decide
whether or not to **** myself, or touch myself
once last time (how many times?) to the thought of
his collarbones and never ending pride.
i like it hot, so my skin is pink like a baby’s ****
and raw so it screams and scathes over wounds
i had long forgotten.
i breathe in vapors thinking them as gas, wondering
how long it took for Plath,
for Sexton until they kissed their own eyelids.


i imagine his lips as he said i was a sweetheart, a doll,
i daydream of his fingers as they entered me with no
worry, two snakes, the venom explosive.

showers are a dangerous time,
i come out alive, with bile and dynamite shoved in my throat,
with my heart seeping through the tiles,
my sanity disappearing into the condensation

you see, when you first left,
it took such a long time to take out the shards
of glass, and fishing lines, and pieces of paper with
****** drawn hearts, and deflated balloons.
it took such a long time to find a needle and thread and sew all the
wounds.
it took days, months, years. and the stitches.
they were on my arms, legs, stomach, neck.
the scars did not heal until, until,
three years later.
you see, i put some scar cream. tried different
foundations.
placed different men’s hands and covered the scars with
bellowed ideas and bruises.


the scars have started bleeding, opened like
ripe tomatoes.
i do not have enough hands to cover them,
so i think i’ll sit here
until the bed soaks through.

i've seen your face, recently,
popped up like that nightmare i keep having where my body is left in
lukewarm sweat. your eyes are still as green as stems, and i want to
upchuck upchuck upchuckupchuckupchuck

it's funny how when i was 15 you were my king,
i would have crawled hands and knees, blisters popping like your
car speeding, impressing the ladies with your hair flicks and
tricks
and i know now i am still that 15 ****** dress up girl to you, only i've
filled out, filled in, know where to put the eyeliner, make it waterproof,
knowing how to speak, my tongue is whipping and sharpening

the last time we spoke we didn't speak. you didn't let me.
you shoved the drinks down my throat so fast the cards were blurry and you waited oh so patiently. 'you're such a bad girl', you said.
with your manhood prodding me, you spoke mean. you never spoke nice.
i wonder if i'll always love and hate you.

for so long you made me question myself.
maybe i shouldn't have worn that, or said that, or placed my foot a certain way or maybe i showed my teeth too much or maybe i was being too flirty, or maybe not enough.
these self doubts became my condolences, and even after we were 'friends', you never looked at me the same way. i had to be 'friends' with you because my friends loved you, even after i told them what you did to me.

i see your face like beers shoved in the back of the fridge,
and i am so mad at you, so mad, so mad, so mad, you've taken my guts
and thrown them into the ******* sun.
i was fifteen, you were almost eighteen you and took my limbs and broke them all.
i was prettiest to you on my knees, but baby i am the most beautiful when i'm stabbing you you you you
repeatedly.

dear mom & dad,
i’m sorry i only write about *** and
alcohol.
the two skip hand in hand, with bedroom eyes
and laced up limbs.
but at least i only **** intelligent
men.
i made the mistake of moaning names
that held no publication,
cleaning someone’s blood lingering
inside vacant minds.

dear mom & dad,
i’m sorry i blame everything on you.
but let us be honest, your genetics have baked
a pie that tastes like
chaos and ethanol.

mother, esoteric, scripts i cut
my fingers on,
your bloodline is in every poem i write
about love.
i think we’ve both been falling for the
wrong ones.

mama, do you remember the dream catcher you broke?
feathers and glass.
my nightmares consist of knowing i will never amount to
anything.

father, knowledge like yours never ceases,
spilling and surging.
but you are sad. sad. sad.
i smell your smoke through cloths tattered.

beer was a better lover to you, than
anyone could ever be.
i have been in competition with inked, broken souls.
tell me i’ll win every gold medal.
i take everything from you,
but one day i’ll make you so ******* proud.

dear mom & dad,
the scars are slipping but the sound of broken
plates shake(quake) my nightmares.

dear mom & dad,
maybe we can sit and talk about our lives.
maybe i’d rather chug rat poison.

if someone would have told me, two years ago,
that i would meet a man who would not only enter my
internal organs,
but be able to swim in my vessels without drowning
and be able to ******* over three times in one hour,
i would have laughed.
and laughed.
and laughed.

could easily outmatch the summer,
sizzling. scorching. scalding.
dew of sweat fresh each morning,
air pungent with flames each night.
our summer love could belong in novels,
the days full of sparkle and rapture,
the weeks gone into the heat of our embrace.
our summer love was gone
too quick.
tears new and stinging.
feeling nothing but your fingertips.
tasting nothing but the sour air.

our summer love...
i could write more. but no one.
no one.
no one.
will ever understand.

darling, i know i write too much about you.
(at least 100 poems, at least 50 flash fictions)

and every line is too cliche, every word is
unoriginal.

but it’s the way your vein surges with sparks
as you infiltrate me.

it’s the way your stubble paints me pink and red
each morning.

it’s the way you whisper you love me as we
nuzzle in our dew.

my writing has been nothing but you these past
two and a half years,
and it will be nothing but you for
years and years (and years) to come.

(whether it’s cliche or not)

you bit valleys through my stomach last night,
gnawed your way through crevices on my neck,
nibbled love onto every orifice.
and today my body is numb with it all,
it is my favorite feeling.
when i glide my hand over, and the pain is raw,
fresh. new.
seeing the wounds, forming, gathering.
licking your name over and over on my lips,
searching for bits of you within my hair.
i ache, with throbs of pain, i ache, for you.
and next time i will tell you,
“no holding back”

patience, i thought i understood.
your heavy weight on my shoulders is supposed
to teach me a lesson.
your repeated whispers are supposed
to comfort me and calm me down.
but i am about ready to throw you out the window.
i have been with you patience,
since the day i was born.
you cradled me in your arms
raising me, teaching me.
when the yelling and beating started,
you would shield my eyes
playing a lullaby until i fell asleep.
when the boys came along,
you held my hand.
when the boys broke my heart,
you kissed the tears away.
patience, your lessons are complete *******.
patience, i wait for him night and day
with no word.
and what am i gaining from this?
ribs that are cracking
and a throat too tight to breathe.
i love him, patience, but what am i to do?
i squeeze you, hoping that your words
become true, that one day he will be here.
patience, i am ready to give up
this pain is too great
but patience, you know, don't you?
that i can't...not yet.

state street.
sunny day.
wind nowhere close to hair friendly.
loud conversations.
hustle and bustle.
and your hand.
simple grasped around mine.
so simple.
but so beautiful.
i know,
it's what couples are supposed to do.
hold hands.
but when i hold hands with you,
i feel like i'm on top of the world.
the way your fingers brush my palm
how their warmth travels all
the way down to my toes.
and i love how i search for it,
always knowing it's just waiting
to be found.
sometimes you let go, but only so
your hand can snake around my waist.
we stumble along.
not the most graceful.
but i smile as my arm wraps around you.
you squeeze and i squeeze back.
it's just like all of those
cheesy, romantic, ***** worthy movies
but only a million times better.

because it's all real.
in another life i would say
it was a dream.
but, as the sun went down
the oranges and pinks bleeding all over the clouds
the guitar strings strumming
the cry of barely sober men tripping into buildings
the tickle of the breeze as it caught my hair in
a never ending tango.

the moment your lips brushed upon mine,
i knew no dream could ever compare

i thought afterward, we would grow closer
but instead i find myself pushing you further and further away
you are everything i despise because you are everything
i never want to be.
it was almost...easier
to just make it so obvious that i hated you.
now my cheeks sting and my vision is nothing
but red.
our fake life was close to believable.
maybe, in some ****** up, "perfect" world we could have been
normal.
brushed each other's hairs,
you would tell me about your college days,
i would gossip to you about my boyfriend,
i would show you my scars,
i would confess how i cheated and my other sins,
you take me out for my first drink when i turned 21,
and we would become like those perfect people
in those movies, where everything was forgiven.
and all it took to move on was a dramatic monologue
filled with enough tears to drown someone.
that never was life.
i put my fist in my mouth to stop the words
from flying out.
cruel and unforgiving, they would cut you upon contact.
i bite until i taste blood
and wonder if you ever will be happy.
i bite to feel the pain
instead of intense hatred for you
i bite so i will have a reason to cry
for we all know how you feel when you see my tears
the taste of iron forever stays on my tongue
and i look into your eyes
but there's nothing.

it was always the same.

speak strawberries to me,
and i will caress jam
for you.

whole
well, i was. for a while
i counted all the pieces, and all
numbers were counted for.
it's always so suddenly
bam.
the pieces fell away. some out
the window.
some crashed into smaller pieces
around my feet
some pieces shimmered
some pieces were pink
black, dark green, sky blue
some pieces lacked color entirely
i scrambled,
my hands fumbled
my fingers slipped, trying to
pick the pieces
some pieces cut me
and my blood stained them
dark red.

i stare at the broken pieces
and stare

a little girl idolized me today,
"you are so fast!" her dress had pink
flamingos and her hair glistened underneath the shaky
sun. her brown eyes were orbs of hope.

"you know, anything boys can do, girls can do just as well"
her mother’s advice, i never heard from my own.

"well, she probably thought you were real pretty"
my shoulders slumped as i sipped cherry juice. sweat slipped
beneath my belly.

pretty? pretty? pretty?

what about my ability to run, how my muscles
expand, contract. how my brain is churning with explosives,
and my heart is able to let all these words and turn them into
daisies.

the little girl hugged me before she left,
"you are so good!"

i never heard pretty, or cute, or beautiful,


and i want this girl to grow up to know she is the veins
beneath the grounds, and she can grow up to be
whoever she
wants.

an athlete, a mathematician, a fashion designer,
as long as she’s not only
*pretty

it’s fine, i’ll find company within
my strands.
pretty girls are made to wait
for boys with impatient ribs.
it’s fine, i’ll scratch until my
skin bleeds the right way.
pretty girls are built to apprehend
every assault.
it’s fine, i’ll pace my room until posters merge.
pretty girls are assembled to bite
their lips
and wear bruised knees.
it’s fine,
because all boys let me do is
wait.
and i don’t know if i’m one of those
pretty girls,
but i sure know boys will continue
throwing me into the
sea.

like a deer’s head stuffed on shaky walls,
my eyes have become bulged, my tongue sedated.
my hunter wore no gear.
padded quietly underneath the yellow moon.
he found my limbs first, yanking and pulling
while my fingers burned.

my hunter had a smile like LSD,
his lips had lines shaky and uncontrolled.
he pulled me deep, deep, deep into
the forest, between oaks and pines and
the ground tasted like what i wanted to forget.
like blood.
like *****.
like nothing.

my hunter had stroked me.
such. a. prize. such. a. prize. such. a. prize.
he attempted to recite poetry, but
his voice sounded muffled, placing emphasis
on the wrong words.

my hunter wrapped my locks around my throat, and pulled
and yanked and pulled.
it all smelled like fire.
my wrists vomited violet flowers.
i had wanted to show him.

but my hunter chopped. me. up.
such a face. my legs, gushing pink and red and white.
my arms tinged yellow.

my head rests above his bed, and i watch
and watch and watch

my teeth won’t stop chomping

i think i noticed you when all the clouds were forming
above my eyelashes.
almonds, dinosaurs. shaky fingers,
unknown province.

tourist among my terrain.
the grounds are disfigured, but it’s
in between the crowns you find the
gems most miss.
the runnel will flow if you penetrate
precisely.

bars with anonymous desires blatantly
painted across my stomach.
a scarlet E.
for everything. everyone. earth tremors in your pores.
say my name enough times that i see the letters
on your tongue.
awkward puppy love,
i’m whining until you scratch behind my ears,
clutch my scruff hard.

your growls will turn to howls if i try hard enough,
and i feel your frissons entangling with my DNA.
awkward puppy love,
i’m licking your face until you squeeze me,
i’ll give you love bites if you stay one more night.

awkward puppy love,
can i keep you forever if i give you
sheets, sustenance,
***?

i still can't believe it.
i saw you. not in my dreams
not in old pictures.
i saw you. standing. breathing.
living.

a new kind of blood pumped through my veins
i felt myself become
anxious. my heart pounded relentlessly.
i couldn't stop moving.iwasgiddy.

i walked up to you.
you looked at me.

i know when you looked at me, you didn't
really believe it was me.
you did a double take, but with your
eyes.

"hey," i whispered. i was afraid
that my voice would crack,
or squeak,
or be obnoxious.

as your eyes filled with recognition,
your smile became wide.

before i knew it, i was in your arms.

and instantly, memories flooded my mind.
in your arms, i felt for a moment,
sanity and contentment

and, for a moment, i didn't want to let go

when released, you were full of questions,
comments and more hugs

i searched your eyes, finding the same man
i fell in love with,
and i was afraid if i searched further, i would find
something else...
something that would open a wound in my heart
that had recently been stitched back up

you know what's funny?
the first thought that popped in my mind when i saw you was,
"he's alive"

i secretly wanted to grab your arms,
look for the scars that resembled my own

i wish the setting was quiet
and more relaxed
talking, i felt rushed.
i knew you wanted to talk more.

but now, the question
what else do you want?
is it possible for us to be normal?
is this smart? what will happen
when you come back into my life?

you know, i had accepted it

i had accepted the fact that
i would never see you again

i had shut you out and i was
finally ready to move on.

you caught me off guard

when i saw you,
i wanted to laugh.
i wanted to cry.
i wanted to scream.

i am to you, a rag doll
i am limp and frail in your
wide hands.
when the mood is right you will
caress me with soft
tenderness.
your lips will brush my forehead
as my limbs tingle.
otherwise
your words will leave purple marks
on my arms.
they will be powerful.
and they will sting.
i taste the blood in my mouth
wondering.
i know this is my fault
i never meant it.
but confusion clouds my vision

for how, my sweet, can i make you rage
when i have given you everything?

you cut out my heart, and i see it
sit in a pretty jar
you pressed your lips to mine
and ****** out my soul
it floats behind you, never leaving

how?how?how?

for you own every inch of me
you throw me down.
i taste the dirt and
for a minute
i cannot breathe
and for a minute
i believe i have died
and for a minute
i wanted you with me
in the soil
with my arms wrapped around you.

how, my darling?
for you are my world
you are my universe

i am just your rag doll
limp and frail
i wish to taste your lips
and taste nothing else.

but you. you. you.

oh, my darling.
you refuse me.

and for a minute
the dirt looks oh so inviting.

i have loved and loved and loved and loved.
my chest is dusty and aching,
but with a whisper,
i will love and love and love and love.
even when, no one will
give me love back.


(no one asks how much it stings)

"God, you can be so sensitive sometimes."

I want to wear a rock-hard shell plate upon my breastbone, so words and dumb feelings would deflect instead of pierce straight through. If I could I would travel all the oceans and drown inside each and everyone of them until I had nothing but sea salt and a mermaids kiss. I wish instead of tears I would laugh because everyone always told me how crying is for weaklings.

Instead I let your words slice me into raw pieces of meat. Instead I struggle to find air in a room that is too humid. Instead I make believe that you are what I need to survive.

Instead I am too sensitive. And too weak to leave you.

you think you're so high and mighty
with your tight shirt and
backwards cap
you believe you rule

bile rises in my throat while i pass
shivers crawl into my veins
and the words i say are thick
and coated
with something you've
never heard before

i see your eyes
as i speak

they are full of nothing.
black. black.
an emptiness i cannot find
the end to

you lips lift in a twisted swirl
but your eyes tell all

realize. this is more.
realize. that your cowardice will be your own defeat.
realize. that your big words and stupid smile
will do the exact opposite.
realize. that you are nothing to me.
you are the ground beneath my feet
you are the maggots squirming in corpses
you are the bitter frost that creeps
during a winter morning
realize. you are empty.
and your words are empty.
and you look like nothing else
but a fool

i am not just my *******, the
breath of my eyelashes, the curve
of my hips, the gasps i take between
*****.
i am brave, intelligent, wild, i am the
horse that runs through tall grass,
the cracks between sidewalks that sprout
weeds.
do not say i am just a “woman,”
i am hell on a leash, and i will be
released.

i want nothing more than a new years kiss
from you.
so save your lips for me, save your
fingers for me,
until next year.

"come to me, come to me.
let's embrace and be one again".
the scar turns away, quivering and shivering.
"not this time,"* he cries.
"you always say the same thing", snorts the rust.
"i need you"
closer and closer.
slight graze.
new friends pop up like
mushrooms.
the blade smiles a crude smile.

*"you always say the same thing"

i want to show you my scars. all of them.
and tell you the story.
i have many, i know. and probably 50 more will be added.
the ones blossoming on my shins & knees,
that's what happens when you're active in summer.
the one under my bottom lip,
i was young and my slumber met a sharp ended edge.
the ones on my hands,
let's just say the oven isn't my good friend.
and the other scars...
those are the scary stories.
those are the ones i lock away.
the ones on my stomach, my wrist, my arms.
those scars hold no stories, only nightmares.
those scars were no accidents, only battles.
i lie, most of the time, when questioned.
but you are not judgmental.
these scars, i know you could never fully understand.
but if i share my story,
if i tell you the secret beneath the scare tissue,
can you at least try?

this side of me scares you
(it scares everyone)
running on open roads, with nothing but
hair choking me. you could never comprehend
the noiseless drowning. the blissful sleep.
once. twice.
i just need the *****, i guess.
your words are sugar, quickly dissolved.
my stomach urges. but nothing ever comes up.
congratulations!
you're now officially in love with a
****** up girl.
a girl with emotions will swing with a snap,
a girl with will never fully make sense to you,
a girl who's eyes never seem to stay dry long enough.
i thought you would
(or at least, kind of)
instead your mouth droops, your fingers fidget.
i need the red. the adrenaline wants me.
i long for it, especially when we lie.
i ponder which item to use. how it will trickle,
and how you will pretend.
your ****** up girl, she loves you though.
so much she can't breathe sometimes.
your ****** up girl, would lie down and wait,
even with thunderstorms and cruel footsteps.
she knows you wouldn't do the same, and every time
she thinks about it, she shatters.

I had a dream recently,
where you were *******
me,
and it was so ******* hilarious,
because you were awful.


before waves, I used to imagine you
being the one to anchor me until the chains
ripped my skin to bone.

before sun rays, I used to think you
were the only one who could make my flesh
burn and peel and never ever heal.

before alcohol, I used to get foolishly drunk
on you. and you. and you.

i was a hunk of fish being hacked away by a
unsharpened butcher knife.
the hunks and guts splattered all over the apron.

you used to say i was beautiful,
and i guess i can’t believe it anymore because
you ripped my spine out only to place the bones
wrong and walking has never felt the same.

this dream never made sense, like the rest of them,
i swim through them with too much salt in my lungs
and the ocean keeps trying to drown. Drown. Drown. Me.

see you again, in a dream, in a wave, in a lie.
the thing is, i sort of want you inside,
but i only know you’ll crash.break.rip.stomp.
and my skin is already mangled

selfish. it's what we are
"he means the world to me"
"oh, i'm so happy for you"

no, you're not.
you want to be.
but you can't help but think

why not me?

you love your friend, but.
but.
you want it too. you want the love
the beauty. the success.
the perfection.

you put on the smile, while jealousy
burns your insides
selfish.

it's human nature.
we want everything for ourselves
and are greedy over other people's
miseries
we pretend to care. we pretend to take action.
in reality, we snicker on the inside

"thank god i'm not her"

you console.
but you're happy.
because it's not you
you offer words.
but they're empty
you hold them.
but your arms are no shelter

everyone is so selfish
the ignorance burns their skin
like branding irons


blistering, how can they not notice?

i release secrets hidden behind a breastbone
that cracks under (pressure),
when gin and tonics enter my achy bloodstream.
i only remember her on the floor.
i dance like broken bottles upon cement floors
when fairy dust kisses foamy glasses.
i was in a mental hospital. yeah, basically.
i forget the people i supposedly love and blame
it on the alcohol,
because i do not have the courage to blame it
on myself.

i am tired, and my bones are sore and at times
i want to curl up within the ground and
have the tufts of grass and dried up leaves call
me home.
at moments i am so tired of others,
their teeth, too much shown and how it all
seems like paint still trying to dry.
i am tired of men waggling their lips, and i am tired
of women always defending and i am tired of people
pushing my veins inwards.

i feel like weeds trying to grow in botanical gardens.
i cannot fit.
i cannot speak enough or be quiet enough.
i am shoved into outlines designed for others.

i do not know where my fingers should lie, and when i am
drunk and screaming i (almost) feel the most
alive, but then
when i am surrounded by history in beautifully spaced
architecture, i am
(almost) alive.

where do i start and where do i end.

why do bruises on me look like jewelry?
i am nothing. but i am you.
if i bite his shoulders hard enough, i can find bones.
i can find the Great Wall of China.
these lines on hundred year old parchment has become my salvation.

i want to be alone,
yet i want his nails digging me up.
i want to hear her tongue on her teeth,
yet my lungs can't expand
enough.

it feels like an old dress
that just feels wrong.
the arms hang loose, like droplets
dangling on the edge.
the stomach is too tight, tugging
at the forbidden places and threatening
to tear.
the legs. gawky. awkward. like
broken puppets trying to be real.
clunk. the feet are bricks. or ice cubes.
tripping. sliding. or both.
this skin is all hers, but it doesn't feel right.
she turns and shifts, hoping it will fit into place.
she scratches and bites, thinking it just needs adjusting.
'i want to feel silk and butterflies', she whispers,
in her skin that just feels wrong

the darkness spreads. from the chest first,
it hurts like hell.
it creeps into the blood stream, an ink with no removal.
paralyzes. blinds. constantly hitting dead ends.
tasting nothing but ash, head is heavy,
eyes constantly refueling.
darkness crawls upon the skin, no touch soothing.
no pain suitable. it disperses from fingernails.
until there is nothing left but a small puddle.

sinking.
that is all that is left to do.

wavelets on the wall were colors i couldn’t find within
my own strings,
your hair, the color of copper dancing in the sunshine,
the tears you spilled the deliverance i
hungered for.
i want trees within my lungs, and i want the branches
to grow within me, so i can have leaves and flowers
and the need to need.
kaleidoscope horizons were kissing my brain,
and i saw you through vibrations,
and i wondered if all we are is
wires connecting
connecting.
radio wires attempting to find other waves that
will collide within us to make
beautiful music.
and i knew, knew, knew, that your vibrations
were made to shake and gallop within
my own drums.
and when i cried you told me i was beautiful and i
knew i was everything within the galaxies,
your goddess that held
fire within her
fingers.

sleeping next to you...
(how do i put it?)
is the meaning of absolute bliss.
like that taste of perfect lemonade
on a sizzling summer day.
in a state of semi-consciousness
turning, to find you next to me
with a simple sigh
i smile.
listen to your breathing
feel your chest slowly rise and fall.
i trace my fingers over your face
hoping they will be forever remembered.

if i could have one wish come true
i would wish to sleep next to you every night
with the sound of our silence
be my soundtrack.

I cannot stay up too late by myself.
If I do, all the bad thoughts come
and the sadness expands, and floats
and explodes.
I think of all the flaws, how I am always
the giver.
how the future is so close, yet I can’t
make a path
(of any sorts)
how my scars will never truly fade.
I think of how I am always the one who
loves more.
and I think of people. and how someone is
awake. and breathing. and dying. and having
breakfast, right now. half away across the world.
I think of how we are all just a bunch of stars,
and I think of how we’re all just crashing into
each other.
(over and over and over)

I cannot stay up so late, with the night being
my only companion.
so I sleep.
because sleep is always more welcoming than
reality.

pop me in your mouth, and tie me
like a cherry stem.
i am your ******, the thoughts in your mind
that are on your tongue, but you have to bite downhard,
because. (because)
smear my eyeliner so i am soiled, outside.
rip my clothes (these ones, not those), so i am pillaged, forever.
toss me, grip me, you can unleash those naughty fantasies,
i am the therapist that will lick your
wounds (with salt & lime, and coconut pie)
find my breaking point, if you can.
lay me to waste when you’re through,
and i’ll be your ***** cat, purring machine.
until your ready to
pounce
again.

i always believed i was someone different.

someone who actually knew. the snowflakes
fall into my eyes
for a moment, i'm blinded.

i thought i knew the roads. the tricks.
the questions. the barriers.

i'm crumbling, still. i'm weak.

did i never grow strong?

i thought i knew.

knew that pain was inevitable.

i thought i knew.

you're not always the first choice.

i thought i knew.

you don't get what you want.

so if i throw my hands up and scream
who would even listen? i'm trapped in
an unknown element
uncomfortable and i feel hands on me
i'm trying to protect myself
because i thought i knew
everything that already needed to
be known.

the snow twirls around me
and i realize.
this snow is new.
wild. raging.
i know nothing. i'm naive.
it blows until i fall.

i'm stupid. snowflakes are unique.

i'm a girl who knows absolutely
nothing.

except.

that this snow will keep falling.