when i was 15, a boy with a fake tooth and emerald eyes
took me to a steep hill and attempted to throw
me over his shoulder.
the grass was freshly wet, so we slipped and my knees bounced.

a school night, he invited me in his parents car and
we sat side by side in the back.
my throat was full of barbwire and i couldn’t move, my knees
burning, my arms rigid. a boy with subtle eyelashes told me i was cool,
but the barbwire traveled through legs.

we used to watch movies until he got bored and i fell in love
too quickly, shivering between his legs, his fingers
pulsing bruises.

when i was 17 i fell in love with a chain smoker and a man
who couldn’t grow up. except no, it wasn’t love. perhaps pity,
but i liked his large hands and how he had seen the world through
tar tinted glasses.

he told me we had to make love,
and when we finally did a year later, Watchmen in the background,
i felt my skin shredding, my freckles finding new pockets.
my knees were still bruised.

when i was 18 i fell in love with a boy who knew nothing,
except he had a fetish for Asian girls and not being able to
commit.
when he choked me for the first time i thought i died and for a minute
i was so
happy.

for two years he placed circles around my feet, telling me i was
beautiful, but never just beautiful
enough. when i told him to stop yelling, he said i was too
weak.

when i was 21 i fell in love with a boy who didn’t force anything
but love
and understanding. he took his fingers and place heart shaped
bruises, kissing my skin until i burned.

on nights i couldn’t breathe he’d take me to the window
and place his palms upon my cheeks. i found moths within
his hair, and instead of saying don’t cry, he wipe tears away
and hold my hand.

when i was 21 i finally found out that love is meant to spend sunday
mornings making love until your bodies end and begin end
and begin end and begin. and making breakfast is better
with his arms around your
waist.

21 and i am in love with a boy,
22 is around the corner, and i will still be
in
love.

he wants to taste me.
i wonder what i am on his tongue,
like candy floss, fluffy and dissolving, or
steak, rough yet succulent.
his tongue pin ******, the lips
like leaves, shifting through open
streets.
to be this alive and breathing,
with alcohol in my liver and his strands
of hair underneath my fingernails.

a secret.

i feel alive, though.
so alive.
the cigarettes and cologne are stuck
in my ribs, latching themselves between
bits of flesh.

i have been told my eyes are embers.

i wanna burn him to the ground.

you are my hot shower after a
cold day
you are my sunshine with no
cloud in sight
you are my fuzzy blanket wrapped
around me like a cocoon
you are my blistering fire
filling my blood stream
you are my summer day provoking
the sweat on my gleaming body
you are my cozy sweater that
i always love to wear
you are my warmth.
i dive into your arms
and every inch of cold in me melts
i press my lips to your skin
i taste flames.
my tongue burns.
your fingers leave prints. on my back, my neck,
my face.
my beautiful warmth.
so, touch me
put your lips to my cold ones.
let's create sparks

it feels like an old dress
that just feels wrong.
the arms hang loose, like droplets
dangling on the edge.
the stomach is too tight, tugging
at the forbidden places and threatening
to tear.
the legs. gawky. awkward. like
broken puppets trying to be real.
clunk. the feet are bricks. or ice cubes.
tripping. sliding. or both.
this skin is all hers, but it doesn't feel right.
she turns and shifts, hoping it will fit into place.
she scratches and bites, thinking it just needs adjusting.
'i want to feel silk and butterflies', she whispers,
in her skin that just feels wrong

i have grown dusty vines among your ribs,
etches of azure plunging through your apertures.
i could stay nestled inside your brain all day.
the temporal lobe is associated with memory,
so mine must be grey matter with paint marks
and holes deep enough to quiver.
i catch the breath you exhale,
gnawing at your thirst.
in your ribs, i want to remain. in your brain, i will stay.
darling, let’s be alive again tonight.
stain the sheets with every drop of our
humanity,
until we bleed, bleed, bleed,
together.

the gaping hole creeps. like shadows
lurking in daylight.
it comes suddenly, and i know
there is no way to stop it.
it will be there.
forever.
anything can invoke it,
a song, a smile, a thought.
the pain comes, then. searing.
as i stare at the two, the pain increases.
when i was younger, i had no
one to turn to. i was by myself.
i wrote stories and my imagination
soared.
i will never be able to
experience such closeness, because
it terrifies me.
even when i got close, they fled.
what if it happens again?
too big of a risk.
so i keep quiet while my eyes
gaze over and thoughts
overflow my brain.

i'll be okay.

just not now.

state street.
sunny day.
wind nowhere close to hair friendly.
loud conversations.
hustle and bustle.
and your hand.
simple grasped around mine.
so simple.
but so beautiful.
i know,
it's what couples are supposed to do.
hold hands.
but when i hold hands with you,
i feel like i'm on top of the world.
the way your fingers brush my palm
how their warmth travels all
the way down to my toes.
and i love how i search for it,
always knowing it's just waiting
to be found.
sometimes you let go, but only so
your hand can snake around my waist.
we stumble along.
not the most graceful.
but i smile as my arm wraps around you.
you squeeze and i squeeze back.
it's just like all of those
cheesy, romantic, ***** worthy movies
but only a million times better.

because it's all real.
in another life i would say
it was a dream.
but, as the sun went down
the oranges and pinks bleeding all over the clouds
the guitar strings strumming
the cry of barely sober men tripping into buildings
the tickle of the breeze as it caught my hair in
a never ending tango.

the moment your lips brushed upon mine,
i knew no dream could ever compare

this is the first of "I love you"s
where it's felt like breathing.
with my parents, it's always been awkward,
forced.
(even though I love them more than I will ever say)
with him, there was no chance,
(he could never love me, his heart was too small)
with him, I wanted to cry,
(I didn't mean it, I never did)
but you.
I want to say it, all the time.
everyday.
the three words,
I can sing.
shout.
scream.
with no hesitance. no doubts.
just your voice in my mind.

i have a lump under my armpit,
thick and pressured, i want to bite it off, throw it inside a bin

it's coming to me when i am feeling bumps and growths in my
frontal lobes. as i walk into the sunshine,
i can no longer see the road or the buildings or the twigs in her
hair.

mom had her breast removed.
i cannot bare to think about me
without any
hair.

these words that i want in the worlds books, will instead
sink into my veins and have no meaning
but instead let me be my own Ophelia, and i will link daisies in my hair
and drown singing no song but my own

my fingers are pressing against the wall, but all i have is callouses.

“i would have made a move on you”
unreachable, and yet you yearn with the soul
of a young boy i’ve seen in a summer field
far too many times.
“but saying, hypothetically…”
the dreams.
your eyes.
casting
spells
on
me.
in the dreams, you cared.
“hypothetically…”
i could never tell you about the dreams.
“hypothetically…”
you are the forest. he is the sea.
i ran through your trees for far too long.
“hypothetically…”
hypothetically, i would still dash through your woods, blissfully, scraping my knees as i fell over. over. over.

could easily outmatch the summer,
sizzling. scorching. scalding.
dew of sweat fresh each morning,
air pungent with flames each night.
our summer love could belong in novels,
the days full of sparkle and rapture,
the weeks gone into the heat of our embrace.
our summer love was gone
too quick.
tears new and stinging.
feeling nothing but your fingertips.
tasting nothing but the sour air.

our summer love...
i could write more. but no one.
no one.
no one.
will ever understand.

she had never fallen in love with a man with tattoos.
no, the guy with the 'friend' tattoos didn't count.
they looked like **** and she remembered
how one used to bleed.

she had wondered what attracted her to this one.
he was bitter, and sour, lemons and limes
puckering up.
he complained.
his job was never enough, his food,
his bed.
she had no reason. perhaps it was his voice,
the accent with spiked inflection and soft spoken
syllables. she knew it definitely was the tattoos.

covered. black ink. pressed into skin.
maybe it was the pain she thought.
the hours spent. what are the stories? she'd ask.
there are no stories.
do you regret?
no. he says.

he likes to ****. she likes that about
him. he likes to read.
******* and tattoos. pain and pleasure. pleasure and pain.
she wonders if he can read her like she can read him.

they are both unhappy. they are both stuck.
but he gives her the pain, the pleasure.
he gives her the moment of forgetting, she hadn't had that.
she traces his tattoos with her peeling fingers.

does this hurt? no. he says.
can i hurt you? yes. she says.

what is it about the tattoos? is it the
artwork? the needle prodding.
inside, tearing the pores, the atoms,
blood bubbles bursting.

she thinks and bites his lip.
why are we addicted to this strange pain?

she's not in love with this man, but she
is in love with the hurt.
she craves it.

i want to dissolve on your tongue.
i want to squeeze into your blood stream.
i want to lay between your ribs, place your beating heart
upon my cheek.
i want to soak into the sweat upon your collarbone.
i want to travel the freckles on your nose.
i want to place myself upon the lines of your lips.
i want to tattoo myself on your skin.
i want to swim in your eyes, facing the storm
with no shelter.
i want. i want. i want. to disappear with you.
into the stars. the inky blackness.
where i have all of you,
you have all of me.

late at night, when only broken teenagers
and felines are awake. maybe it's 3
(or 4, or 5)
or right when sunshine slinks through.
somewhere between consciousness and slumber.
i turn, fingertips brushing your skin,
warmth dispersing under my pores.
not fully awake, not quite asleep, i wrap my arm
around your torso,
my lips placing lazy kisses upon your freckles.
your fingers, from alertness, or habit, grasp onto mine.
and somewhere between the state of consciousness and slumber,
i fall back asleep.

if you are going to ask what my favorite thing is, or
what on this earth makes me the happiest,
i would tell you to read the lines above

it has been three days, and i am grasping at empty straws,
with holes that are microscopic, and i cannot
drink
anything.

it has been three days, and today i saw a motorcycle,
and resisted the urge to swerve into it,
so finally i could stop the buzz buzzbuzzing
in my no sense
brain.

it has been three days, and you are ignoring me,
and i can imagine last night you spent it between the legs
of some petit blond girl who is in love with you,
but you are in love with lust,
and i imagine her nights are pillow filled,
and moony-eyed.

it has been three days, and you still have my *******
jacket. but i am scared to step into your room,
you will speak with marbles and i will crawl, trying
to gobble them. you will crash, breaking my ribs and my
pride.
your fingertips will scar.
(i really like that jacket)

it has been three days.

all my tears this weekend were spilled
over you.
friday. you. saturday. you. sunday. you.
for that time, a fire ignited inside of
me.
oh, it was so short though.
for soon i was numb
the tears made streaks upon my *****
face. and i was numb.
numb to you. numb to the pain.
numb to the world.
i wanted you out
i wanted you in
i wanted to scream
i wanted to sleep
but, ****.
i saw you.
and my insides crumbled.
the angry words vanished like
dandelion wishes.
once clenched fists turned into
itching fingers.
when i kissed you, it was as if i had been dehydrated
and you were my delicious glorious water.
i brushed your cheek, wishing my fingerprints
were visible.
your scent made me tingle
from the inside out.
my tears were no more.
i couldn't even remember anything.
you looked at me.
that's all it took.

i sighed and grasped your hand
and as you pressed your lips
to my palm
i knew i was doomed

i cannot find myself anymore.
i look through the veins, peaking through
pink flesh and peeling thoughts.

i do not know who i am anymore.
i grasp shot glasses.
i haven’t been able to eat without wanting to
puke.

i wish i could rewind.
my scraps are quickly being eaten,
by wolves who have devoured too many
sheep.

i will start anew.
first let me breathe in the rising dawn,
swimming through the aching humidity,
forgetting the color of your tongue.

i will start anew.

i would like to say our story was that of
a great love story
except, it almost seems like a dream
i try to remember your skin,
and how it felt against mine. all
i remember are flames. burning.
i try to remember your lips. all
i remember is silk.
i know we shared secrets, thoughts and dreams
but it's all so far away in my mind
i try to reach for it, but my fingers only
graze the surface
i feel the electricity but i can't
find the source
so, when i read your words, i feel nothing
and then i'm sad
for i know i should feel something.
pity. desire.
the words flow through me
but i cannot grasp them
i cannot hold onto something
that never wanted to be captured
i still dream of you.
at least once a week
the moment i wake, i wonder why.
i should be angry at you. outraged
for you deserted me. left me.
when you were mine. when i was yours.
you left when i wanted nothing but you.
but instead of anger, i feel empty.
like a winter land with no life,
there's no life in the part of my heart
that you stole away
you. were so wrong. you thought i was mad.
you thought i didn't want you
i wanted you
but i never told you
so i know this emptiness is my fault
i wish, for one last time, i could see you.
and say farewell, properly
i would take your large hands
and place them on my face
try to remember the warmth you once supplied
i would go on my tip toes, swaying
and kiss your lips, wondering
if the butterflies will surface
once more
and i would smile

yes, i have someone new. yes,
he is wonderful.
but that doesn't mean i don't think of you
do you have someone new?
is she pretty? kind? wonderful?

i wish i knew.

our story is over, i've known for
such a long time.
we should exchange the chapters
of our lives



but i know we never will

My heart’s on fire.

Do you see it? It burns, blazes. Whenever you are near.
If you leave, I will be consumed by the flames. For you are the only one who tames it.
But, but, it could go at any minute…
burst and I would be gone.
But I feel the heat. I hear the crackling. I see the embers glow.

My heart’s on fire.

For you. For you. My love. I hope you see.
You touch and the ember licks the salt from your fingertip
Your lips leave ashes behind
My sweat sizzles upon your tongue
The fire has sprung, has lived, has died, since you arrived
It thrives for you.
It becomes blue and weak when you have left, yearning for the kindle that is your love
You enter, and like a phoenix, I am reborn
And the fire sings to me a happy lullaby

My heart’s on fire.

But your heart is something completely different
Your heart is a waterfall, a sea, a raging hurricane
That clashes with my own
The steam rises between us, and it’s hard to see past the fog
Your cool liquid wraps around me
I feel myself begin to drown

My heart. My heart. Is on fire.
Raging. Burning. Fiery.
But only for you.


For you, my love.

you never realized
you were blind. so ******* blind.
i defended you, caught bullets for you, graveled at your feet for you.
thinking everything was my fault
all for you.

you smiled.
                                          one smile.
and gone.
    all i see now is your ghost
everywhere.
your ghost haunts me; making faces and telling me over and over
"you fool. you fool"

i wish i was face to face with you

so i could throw my emotions at you
i would gather them up in one big bundle
and shove them in your face
you would suffocate. you would cry.
you would suffer.
like i had been for so long
i would ask you,
"how does it feel?"
but you wouldn't be able to respond
for the pain would be too great
then, then
finally,

i would breathe.
the baggage will be gone, and i will run
i will laugh at you
laugh until tears leak from my eyes
laugh until my ribs break


if you weren't such a ******* coward,
i would have won.
instead you hide behind
your lies, fake confidence
you're cracking
but i know you won't admit
i'm the only.
the only one who sees

look me in the eye.
admit it
admit you threw me away
admit you never cared
admit that this all meant nothing
and admit...
admit you can't do it.






your ghost is here
with no intention of leaving

get your talons out of me now
you should have dropped me long ago
let me breathe.
something i could never do around you
you dug into me
until i cried, screamed
your smile was wicked, full of regret
never was perfect
now that i am, it's still not enough
you find the smallest things
and rip them out of me
so i can see
jesus christ, do you ever stop?
these circles i keep running
will destroy me
you will be the death of me
i am most certain
satisfying you? there is no chance
your insides are full of ugly.
of shame. of guilty.
at least i tried. at least i lived.
you hid. you whine.
but never once
have you let me go.
the mistakes you made were so severe
you thought i might repeat

how could i?
how could i place blame on those i love?
how could i be so vicious?
how could i ever cut people apart until they were nothing?

if i were to give you a gift
it would be nothing but tears

the love you have for me
is a love full of broken words
i forgave you. but the memories burn my skull
like bright stars.

and your talons leave deep scars
that will stay on my skin
i will look at the white tissue
so ugly, so frail, and so beautiful.
everything you are.
gritting my teeth
i will fake the smile
i plastered on for you
you made me strong
but i am most certain

you will be the death of me

the emptiness comes again. from nowhere.
from everywhere. it is there, in the broad
daylight. it is there, lurking in the shadows.
it follows me.
most of the time, the emptiness is full.
like a meal, stuffing to the brim.
a glass with overflowing water.
most of the time, things are fine.
then, there is hunger. the glass
shatters on the floor and i am
devoured.
the pain from inside ebbs
away. and every time it visits, it
takes one little piece away.
a memory, a feeling, a dream.
but then the fullness returns.
the happiness. the content.
i see it though
for it is always there. waiting
for me. until i am weak
until all my energy is gone.
it rests on my shoulder, asking
me questions i will never
answer

it haunts me

It's kind of funny
how...
humanity is just slipping away
how you want to be everyone's friend
while deep down inside
you're hating so strongly
it's kind of funny
how you yell at me
saying i'm the one with problems
while the tears mark your face
how we say we hate being hurt
while we put another knife
into someone's back
it's kind of funny
how we say,
"it's what's inside that matters"
yet we all wear a mask
every single day
how you give me your hand
yet pull it away when i need
to hold on
it's kind of funny
when you say you're sick of pretending
yet you continue to wear that smile
and it's just kind of funny
how...
easily we throw friends away
easily we hate
easily we fall in love
easily we make mistakes
easily we fall apart
and it's kind of funny
how you keep telling me
you want a change
yet you're not doing
a **** thing about it

there were no warning bells
when i kissed you.
there were no flashing signs
as your hand undid the zipper.
i still don't know.

but your kisses reminded me
of kitten's tongues.
and i shuddered
as your large hands traveled
the familiar territory.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.

but the alcohol sang warmly in my veins.
and your teeth on my skin was heaven.
sickly sweet heaven.
we laughed like we used to laugh.
and your eyes bore into mine.
familiar taste on my tongue.

white powder swirling
in the dark of my eyelids.
i leaned into you like so many times before.
your arms, my pillars.
absorbed together.
only 15 hours spent.
but it was if nothing had changed.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.

we were swathed in each other's ambience.
the bed, molded from our warm bodies.
outside, the snow fell
and fell
and fell,
ensnaring us further into our arms.
when hungry, we munched on chips, candy,
licking salty fingers and moving onto the main course
(my neck, your stomach)
we watched Blade Runner and sipped ***** drinks at noon,
we got drunk, off of the not so ****** orange juice,
and each other.
(we had the excuse, nowhere to go)
naked, and inebriated, we swayed
and boomed with the storm.
we giggled at nothing, discussed about everything.
we kissed until our lips chapped.
as the snow descended, and our minds drifted
to sleep, i wished to spend every snow day
enfolded
in
you.

why must my heart be like feathers falling too
quickly?
i cannot help but feel and love and feel and love
and it is all too much.
he has been in my dreams, a shadow
who kisses my eyebrows and walks with
patience besides me.
i believe this is the flesh him even though i know.
his questions are nothing of substance, and i
know he is eager to slip my veil off again and
again and again.
but can't he see my rib bones poking through my chest?

i am in love with his tongue, and perhaps nothing
else.
he reads poetry but holds no compassion.
eager to lick but quick to bite my
lips together.

i am so much more than my open legs.
i am so much more than my ripped tights and rimmed eyes.

but he stares at me like fish in tanks.
eyes too wide and mouth agape.
i am not the food placed on the surface, waiting to be
swallowed and digested.

when i try to pry open his chest,
he pushes me down.
lathers me in silver until my throat is
hollow.

he is a writer
but refuses to see the words in
people.

before, i was content with (sort of)
escaping into the sigh of the night.
before, i was happy with (a little bit)
drinking until the walls blended together.
before, i was satisfied with (not really)
the love of strangers.

now, i am content with (absolutely)
slumbering through the night enveloped in you.
now, i am happy with (definitely)
drinking you in until my veins sing.
now, i am satisfied with (no question)
the blaze of your skin, the hunger roaring in your eyes.

now. now. now.
i am all yours.

“i missed you”
you only say this because i was there next to you.
i smelled like apples and you had forgotten my long hair.
you only say this because the music gridded into us, and the
fog intertwined through our pores.
you only say you miss me when i’m close enough to miss.
you only say this because you took something of mine
i can never take back.
in a month,
maybe
a
week,
you’ll miss me, but not so frequently.
that ache in your heart will subside for a while.
you’ll forget the crisp smell, the touch of silk.
until next time,
until next time.

must. must. must. stop the acid from rising
like a bubble to the surface,
it must not reach.
must. must. must. let the window sing all the melodies,
refused so long before.
write the colors, taste the caress.
must. must. must. no longer let these shadows run freely,
no harness. no control.
demonic laughs. no concealment.
must. must. must. write the word "love" upon my wrists,
and then my stomach, and then my *******, and then my legs
and then my feet and then my hands.
the ink will sink. sink. sink. into me.
maybe then. maybe then.

i must have met you in a dream
(for how else could such worlds collide?)
you were cool and i was small
(i remember the sweat pressed in my pores)
the first time we kissed
(i think i saw fireworks, and my stomach went
down to my toes)
you smelled so good
(i had too many secrets, unwinding from my tongue)
you laughed in perfect pitch
(my eyes couldn't remember the feeling of dry)
you swallowed me up
(i floated for days in the sea)
first time, i was shaking
(you never let me go)
the fireworks exploded
(i lost count of the stars)
now. now. now.
(you're the infection in my brain)
you squirm and squiggle.
(always there. always there.)
crazy? maybe.
(but i'd rather be crazy than without you)
please don't turn away
(your ocean will drown me)

sometimes, i forget what your face looks like.
i forget your eyes that change color. i forget the shape of your lips.
i forget the texture of your hair.
and i cannot breathe. my throat closes and the pain. the pain is indescribable.
i open my mouth, with some small hope air will find it's way in.
it lasts for at least five seconds. but in that time it seems an eternity.
i close my eyes, searching every corner of my mind.

your eyes. your eyes. your eyes.

and then it's there. your smile. your smooth golden
strands intertwined in my fingers.
your face that compares to nothing else.
and your eyes.
your eyes that are green
and then grey
and then sometimes blueish grey
and how they so much remind me of a storm breaking upon a sea.
i can breathe.
except, i keep my eyes closed a little longer.
because, i want to see you.

your body is familiar territory.
i know the roads, the paths, the signs.
the way it sparks in the night, how it creaks
and turns with the sun.
i watch your body like a map, but i have no destination.
i only want to travel until i'm lost.
lost in the vastness of your shoulder blades.
lost in the sighs of your esophagus.
lost in the wool of your torso.
lost in the making of your hands.
lost in the glands of your cheeks.
lost in the sea of your eyes.
your body, my sanctuary.
your heartbeat, my lullaby.
i trail the territory with my fingertips.
i trail home.
home.

do you ever feel like
you hold the most love?
you would take a bullet
while they would take a graze.
you would jump in front of a train
while they would (maybe) amputate a leg.

“I’d take a bullet for you”
but i never figured out if you meant it
literally
or figuratively

he is running down my legs. sticky
inside my thighs. like the glue you
used in elementary school. the kind that
peeled off your finger tips.
he is inside of me, dampening my
underwear, seeping on my fingerprints.

i do not know if he likes me,
but his touches feel almost like
love.
but it's not love.

i am the girl, sticky with him and
attempting to recreate my spine.
i am the girl, marks like warning
signs on my *******, but all i can say is
(harder).

i want, this girl to jump inside that lake and
drown.
and wake baptized, fresh, alive.

he is inside my hair. he likes my
hair. he loves my hair.
but this is not love.

i tell him to pull, but he is too
gentle.
i am the girl spilling out her
teeth.
and you are the boy chewing up my
guts.
it is not love.

he is the foreign boy who smells, not like
the ads or the films or novels.
he smells like early mornings and that is where i am always
finding his lips.
he is sinking in my intestines, writhing and thriving, he is the upchuck
threatening beneath my
molars.
i am the girl crashing hard and burning diamonds.
within this room he has shredded me.

it is not love. he is not love.
but it is something.
something.
something.

my dream last night painted a clear picture

i was sitting in the theatre, next to
a friend. i was excited, because
my friends were on stage, performing
and you were there.

behind me.

i felt your eyes bore into me
searching every strand of hair
and lurking behind every patch of
skin.

annoyance filled my veins
and then your hands were on me
roaming my back
your breath heavy in my ear

my eyes closed. it felt so good
yet, my skin was crawling.
your thumbs kneaded into my skin
and your fingers traced every muscle

i was sweating.

wondering if this would end

you tugged my hair, twirling
strands




and then i left.
i didn't look at you. i couldn't.
i ran. out of the theatre.
out of the building.
i ran until i collapsed.


i ran until i forgot

i thought afterward, we would grow closer
but instead i find myself pushing you further and further away
you are everything i despise because you are everything
i never want to be.
it was almost...easier
to just make it so obvious that i hated you.
now my cheeks sting and my vision is nothing
but red.
our fake life was close to believable.
maybe, in some ****** up, "perfect" world we could have been
normal.
brushed each other's hairs,
you would tell me about your college days,
i would gossip to you about my boyfriend,
i would show you my scars,
i would confess how i cheated and my other sins,
you take me out for my first drink when i turned 21,
and we would become like those perfect people
in those movies, where everything was forgiven.
and all it took to move on was a dramatic monologue
filled with enough tears to drown someone.
that never was life.
i put my fist in my mouth to stop the words
from flying out.
cruel and unforgiving, they would cut you upon contact.
i bite until i taste blood
and wonder if you ever will be happy.
i bite to feel the pain
instead of intense hatred for you
i bite so i will have a reason to cry
for we all know how you feel when you see my tears
the taste of iron forever stays on my tongue
and i look into your eyes
but there's nothing.

it was always the same.

do you want me to tell you?
how i thought i was going to puke on the drive over?
how the sunshine temporarily blinded me,
and i couldn't see you?
how your arms felt like a weird version of home?

somewhere, in the back of my mind,
i knew you were going to kiss me that night.
somewhere, in the back of my mind.

i felt an ease. a maturity.
a big sigh of relief left my body.
...i cannot believe we spent the day together. the evening.
so many times i knew i should go.
each and every time i looked at you
and thought of reasons to stay.
but now you've left again.
disappeared.
but it's so familiar to me.
i'm used to this by now.
but i wish i could see you.
i felt comfortable with you. i felt safe.
but you are nothing more than a dream
so i'll see you with the stars.
...and i have someone, anyway
who is real.
and who i will see in the moonlight, in the daylight,
and in the sunset.

maybe, someday,
maybe.

i've bent backwards until my face smashed into the dirt.
i've pulled my own teeth, gathering the blood into my palms.
and i've said it, i wrote it, i screamed it.
give me. give me. just give me.
your empty space sends me into walls.
your wordless dialogue causes rivers.
what now, darling?
i would burn my hair, kiss heart-shaped bruises.
give me. give me. just give me.
you've squirmed into my veins, an uncomfortable parasite.
forgive me or leave me.
i will run to you, but i cannot pretend.
it's not for sale.
i'm sorry, darling.
....but give me. give me.
just give me.

up
and
down.
sidetoside.
in and out.
let the sweat drip. let it drip.
down.down.down.
i watch your steps with hunger.
i tap my toe in time.
when we dance, when we dance,
all i see is blue mixed with green and grey.
i count the freckles so i won't become lost.
you grab me. my hair. pretty little ribbons.
oh, the tingling. twirl it in your fingers.
a whiff of the dark perfume.
your teeth sinking into my shoulder
(my favorite move)
i die. i die. i die.
tongue glides across the pores. i twist to
get every lick.
oooh...
no inch of dry land.
we're really swimming now.
but let us dance and dance.
until our feet are stones
and our faces are numb with bliss.
take me, darling.
and we'll dance
until we just can't dance anymore.

your rhythm is the only one i could ever dance to.

the blank page holds nothing,
but water stains and empty words.
so why does everyone compare life to this?
(so why can i make no sense of it?)
fill it with dreams and aspirations, advice
and lessons learned, admirers and lovers,
enemies and relatives.
still, the page is ashy, and the ink stains, soaks.
i try to write on my blank page,
(but i draw a blank)
all i have is unreachable heights,
a demon encircling my throat,
men with too many teeth.
each day i throw away the blank pages away,
and each day i try to scribble something new.
the words are *****. vile and grotesque.
(i must throw it all away)
i'm trying again, tonight.
(maybe it's all about timing)
but so far, the words are useless.
tightening me, closing
until all
that's
left
is
ink.

our goodbyes
are becoming more difficult.
for each day, i discover new crinkles
under your eyes or
how your voice sounds like sugar & cream stirred in coffee
when you smile.
so when i kiss you goodbye,
i’m kissing goodbye all of you.
(your body. your soul. my sea.)
i’m kissing goodbye the love that i have planted in you,
my love will grow until vines intertwine in your strands.
saying goodbye to you has never been
easy.
but why is it so hard now?

it will be strange,
to only feel your presence.
a shadow with no body.
it will be foreign,
to only sleep with your ghost.
to turn and feel a pretend warmth.
it will be unknown,
to walk the lights alone.
to have no comforting glove, around my own.
it will be unfathomable,
to see your eyes a few times.
to not have the storms descend.
summer slips,
along with your touch.

the taste of salt is poison.

there is a rock
that sits outside my door
day by day.
it's there, with no intention of moving.
with my arms, i push
with my legs, i kick
it laughs at my pitiful attempts
telling me it's useless
covered in sweat and dirt
i cry. why won't you budge?
and then i realize
it's a woman. trapped in stone.
i want to help. let me break through.
her laughing rings in my ears.
no chance. no way.
you'll be trapped.
i can feel the grime
seeping into my pores.
there is nothing i can do.
i push. push. push.
my arms have turned to jelly
one last kick and i hear a snap
the pain consumes me and my face
hits the dirt

this is where she wanted me all along.
i wanted to help you.
i wanted to set you free.

you wanted me at your feet.
you wanted me to suffer.

i crawl to her.
with one last effort, my arms find the
middle. i give a squeeze
and hope that it'll be enough

i've snapped. and the pieces are breaking off

i have loved and loved and loved and loved.
my chest is dusty and aching,
but with a whisper,
i will love and love and love and love.
even when, no one will
give me love back.


(no one asks how much it stings)

i wish i could wear your love around me,
a silver chain hung on my collarbone.
your familiar breath tickling,
your tongue searching.
close. close. close.
to the angry and pounding blood vessels.
if i had all your love, safely and securely
in a little box tied with a million strings,
i wouldn't worry about your love finding new vessels,
new mouths.
i wouldn't think of her thighs shuddering.
i wouldn't believe your eyes gazing upon another.
i wouldn't have to fear her taking your love,
for i would have it with me.
the cool clink of silver nestled comfortably on me,
no room for wander,
for question.
your love upon me,
i wish.

If I were to pick an emotion
It would have to be confusion
Those eyes of yours are like deep seas
And I am the sailor slowly becoming shipwrecked
It sounds easy enough to
Just forget everything and move on
Yet when you are near me
My sanity and reason slowly escape
And the easiest thing to do is just
Dive into this new world of lust and hope
Where in that fleeting moment
I can feel wanted and loved…
…even if for only a moment…
It’s a hunger, which will never be fed
A thirst, which will remain parched
A love, which will never be returned
I’ve already lost my heart
It’s pieces were scattered
Long ago when I met you
And I know..
…I should stop
But every single time…
…I keep falling deeper and deeper
Into those eyes
Those eyes are dragging me to the bottom
My lungs are filling with water
As I’m slowly closing my eyes…
…I know I should give up
…but over and over again
I fall in love with those eyes
…I’m drowning…
Into those unexpected, beautiful and terrifying

eyes

i still can't believe it.
i saw you. not in my dreams
not in old pictures.
i saw you. standing. breathing.
living.

a new kind of blood pumped through my veins
i felt myself become
anxious. my heart pounded relentlessly.
i couldn't stop moving.iwasgiddy.

i walked up to you.
you looked at me.

i know when you looked at me, you didn't
really believe it was me.
you did a double take, but with your
eyes.

"hey," i whispered. i was afraid
that my voice would crack,
or squeak,
or be obnoxious.

as your eyes filled with recognition,
your smile became wide.

before i knew it, i was in your arms.

and instantly, memories flooded my mind.
in your arms, i felt for a moment,
sanity and contentment

and, for a moment, i didn't want to let go

when released, you were full of questions,
comments and more hugs

i searched your eyes, finding the same man
i fell in love with,
and i was afraid if i searched further, i would find
something else...
something that would open a wound in my heart
that had recently been stitched back up

you know what's funny?
the first thought that popped in my mind when i saw you was,
"he's alive"

i secretly wanted to grab your arms,
look for the scars that resembled my own

i wish the setting was quiet
and more relaxed
talking, i felt rushed.
i knew you wanted to talk more.

but now, the question
what else do you want?
is it possible for us to be normal?
is this smart? what will happen
when you come back into my life?

you know, i had accepted it

i had accepted the fact that
i would never see you again

i had shut you out and i was
finally ready to move on.

you caught me off guard

when i saw you,
i wanted to laugh.
i wanted to cry.
i wanted to scream.

so why don't you take these clothes
rip them to shreds
why don't you take this skin
slap it until red blossoms
why don't you take these thoughts
crush them until they are powder.

never good enough.

put on smiles for you
so big my lips tingle.
lend a ear, listening
concentrating, interacting.

never good enough.

try is a useless word
one that has been worn, tired
and locked away for others

beautiful, you say.
but these flaws. so many. too many.

smart, you say.
but these reports. no hard work.

good person, you say.
but these scars. these weaknesses.

you are full of ironies. contradictions.
throw them in my face
my screams are muffled.
wanting what is never in reach
typical. so typical.
never happy.
no. no. no.

i can never be like you
i will never be like you.

broke free, wings ready for flight.

gone.

you will miss me.
but there's nothing for me here.




never good enough.

you bit valleys through my stomach last night,
gnawed your way through crevices on my neck,
nibbled love onto every orifice.
and today my body is numb with it all,
it is my favorite feeling.
when i glide my hand over, and the pain is raw,
fresh. new.
seeing the wounds, forming, gathering.
licking your name over and over on my lips,
searching for bits of you within my hair.
i ache, with throbs of pain, i ache, for you.
and next time i will tell you,
“no holding back”