I cannot stay up too late by myself.
If I do, all the bad thoughts come
and the sadness expands, and floats
and explodes.
I think of all the flaws, how I am always
the giver.
how the future is so close, yet I can’t
make a path
(of any sorts)
how my scars will never truly fade.
I think of how I am always the one who
loves more.
and I think of people. and how someone is
awake. and breathing. and dying. and having
breakfast, right now. half away across the world.
I think of how we are all just a bunch of stars,
and I think of how we’re all just crashing into
each other.
(over and over and over)

I cannot stay up so late, with the night being
my only companion.
so I sleep.
because sleep is always more welcoming than
reality.

i am to you, a rag doll
i am limp and frail in your
wide hands.
when the mood is right you will
caress me with soft
tenderness.
your lips will brush my forehead
as my limbs tingle.
otherwise
your words will leave purple marks
on my arms.
they will be powerful.
and they will sting.
i taste the blood in my mouth
wondering.
i know this is my fault
i never meant it.
but confusion clouds my vision

for how, my sweet, can i make you rage
when i have given you everything?

you cut out my heart, and i see it
sit in a pretty jar
you pressed your lips to mine
and ****** out my soul
it floats behind you, never leaving

how?how?how?

for you own every inch of me
you throw me down.
i taste the dirt and
for a minute
i cannot breathe
and for a minute
i believe i have died
and for a minute
i wanted you with me
in the soil
with my arms wrapped around you.

how, my darling?
for you are my world
you are my universe

i am just your rag doll
limp and frail
i wish to taste your lips
and taste nothing else.

but you. you. you.

oh, my darling.
you refuse me.

and for a minute
the dirt looks oh so inviting.

The stillness of the morning.
Half of the world slumbers on, half of the world trudges into their lives
I sit, mug in hand, sweet aroma tickling my senses
And breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We are always rushing. Never stopping.
No time to waste time.
Only for fifteen minutes,
Maybe half an hour.
But I breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

once upon a time, he called me Jasmine. princess,
rub my lamp to see all your wishes
come true.
i had red nails, they stained the walls as he kept saying
"you’re so lovely, you’re divine".
drown me until i fill myself with
waste and
melted snow.
maybe i am the ***** you always thought.
i walk among foggy sidewalks, breached with beer
and lust. i was once a girl who wanted it all.
now i just want a drink in one hand, yours in another,
neon lights penetrating, entering,
and you calling my name until i cannot hear anything
else.
i have demons, ghosts, parasites.
i drive them away with butcher knives and spider mascara.
won’t you stay a while,
darling?

you are a dog with its tail tucked under
the belly. with no sound left
for bark.
i saw this coming weeks ago
i smelled your rotten stench
your poison
was hard to miss.
crawling, with nothing left but
your tears. how dumb am i?
no. no. not anymore.
the glint in your doe eyes
your teeth with a hint of daggers
the crack in your mask is so
apparent now.
while taking you in my arms
you would have bashed my head in
until my mind was blank again.
instead, i will turn
for there is nothing i want to give
instead, i will watch you suffer
and laugh until all sanity has escaped
instead, i will pour the guilt down
your throat.

you will choke.

once upon a time, i woke without your
resonance vibrating through my callused fingers.
once upon a time, i traveled without the constant
and never-ending presence of you.
once upon a time, i could have never remembered the shape
of your freckles, the churning of your irises.
once upon a time, i would have laughed at the idea of needing someone
so terribly, so hungrily.

this time, i cannot blink without the inordinate yearn
to bleed among your crackling pigmentation.
this time, the thought, the mere idea of mornings without you,
are enough to
**** me.

if i could, i would tell you i love you
every second of every minute of every hour
of every day.
but i'm pretty sure i would pass out.
if i could, i would kiss you everywhere
over and over and over.
but i'm pretty sure i would become
dehydrated.
if i could, i would lie in bed with you
for months and months.
but i'm pretty sure we both would starve to death.
if i could, i would squeeze your hand
and grasp it, with no intention of letting go.
but i'm pretty sure you would
lose a hand.

if i could, i would be your girl, princess, best friend, lover, crazy kitty, *** goddess,
and cuddle buddy.

but i'm pretty sure,
i already am.

sometimes i become so sad,
that all i want to do is sit on the creaky bathroom
tiles
and cry until i heave and hiccup like a
lonely child.
i will be newborn and ugly,
and i will roll in the earth to become whole
again.
i can feel my veins exploding,
and i can only hope they’re kaleidoscopes,
catching lights of leaves i haven’t seen,
and oceans i haven’t yet tried to
drown in.
my legs are tired. i need to stop
running to somewhere which is never there.
somehow, these are always about you.
but you’ll never know.
i’d rather set my veins

Free.

his fingers pluck among my curves and i am his guitar,
and with each chord he strums my skin sizzles.
within my earlobes he whispers all the obscenity i crave,
murmuring tunes while our eyelashes flutter along
late night rainstorms.
among my neck he skims among pastures,
breathing beams through my clavicle.
his tongue riffs between my core, leaving ashes
behind.
he finds the beat within my hips, my pelvis
pounding and churning disco, rock operas, ***** rap
to the tempo of creaking
mattress.
his mouth panting lyrics, his teeth carving
notes.
with the growl of my name, i am singing it over
and over and over
and over.

you were prodding my back earlier,
pressing fingers into knots,
snaking though worries and muscles
smacking palms against coils,
rattling old ghosts and sore tendons
I gritted my teeth.“poor darling, poor darling”
push more, I whimpered
“poor darling
will these ever leave?”
a doctor could possibly,
but I know what she’ll say,
stop lifting, stop worrying so.

I think my demons find my way into my spine,
and they entwine through osseous
but, I want your fingers on my back,
your knuckles thrashing me until I scream,
because our love is like you trying to destroy these
knots;
you attempt to destroy what cannot be destroyed,

and I love you more every time.

"God, you can be so sensitive sometimes."

I want to wear a rock-hard shell plate upon my breastbone, so words and dumb feelings would deflect instead of pierce straight through. If I could I would travel all the oceans and drown inside each and everyone of them until I had nothing but sea salt and a mermaids kiss. I wish instead of tears I would laugh because everyone always told me how crying is for weaklings.

Instead I let your words slice me into raw pieces of meat. Instead I struggle to find air in a room that is too humid. Instead I make believe that you are what I need to survive.

Instead I am too sensitive. And too weak to leave you.

the red says, “do no touch”
the purple whispers, “she is not yours”
the blue proclaims, “you want to know, don’t you?”
the yellow laughs, “you cannot begin to imagine”
together, they sing,
“she is mine,
she is mine,
she is mine”

i never feel more free then when
i’m driving with the windows down,
my hair cloistered among my face,
i will walk with a look of infidelity.
cheeks pinched pink plush, eyes are does waiting
to be shot.
i never feel more free then when i’m
driving.
because i can stay among the road, scream until
my lungs turn to ash,
or i can swerve
and taste the Earth
itself.

i think i love you more than books
...and i really really love books
the romance begun when i was small,
the pages seduced me, the words entranced me.
for years i squeezed myself into the spine,
the bind becoming a welcoming embrace,
the smell evoked drool, the touch kindled an explosion.
i thought this was what real love felt like.

you prowled along, and without a blink swept me away.

for a minute, i forgot the dusty pages, the ink full of stories.
your eyes held all the passion i had read about.
your voice reminded me of all my favorite characters.
i became mesmerized.
and i had thought it was only possible in my books.
i stopped dreaming about my books. i started dreaming about you.
...i think i love you more than books.

i no longer need to escape,
i fall in your arms and i'm free.

1 text in,
i hate the way my heart squeezes,
the way i see your eyes crashing into
me.

2 texts in,
i will away the urge to call you up
make you believe i’m some ***** you
always wanted me to be.

3 texts in,
i fall asleep with the thought of you,
a you i’ve made up.
we were just like this text messages.

fake.
deleted too easily.

put your lips to mine and
breathe my life back into
my rusty lungs.
run your tongue onto my
crackling skin and
see it twinkle and shine.
nibble on my lobes and
i'll be hearing sugary tunes
all day.
crack a smile and the
silhouette will be fingerprints
forever upon my skull.
plant a kiss along the collarbone
no gem could ever compare.
your ocean eyes
salt will be leaking from my pores
the titillating breeze will engulf me.
darling. my beautiful darling.
you are my song.
the sun leaking through the clouds on
that gloomy day.
you are the sweet surprise i never
expected.
the metled gooey chocolate
on a sizzling summer's day
opening the wrapper
licking you clean
with the smears on my
cheeks and chin
you bite the tip of
my smudged nose
and i laugh
and i see, i see
nothing else.

i want to eat the stars up.
munch on the shine, lick the twinkle off my fingers.
no direction now.
unwinding. uncoiling. unraveling.
one centimeter in front is black as coal.
one step and everything evaporates.
one blink and the stars return in haste.
one star giggles towards me with sharp soprano
she leaves. she leaves.

darkness, you old fiend you.
your teeth are far too large,
your eyes far too devious.
you will devour me.

twinkling star, shrill spirit.
sprinkling. spoils solely on all but the unwanted.
wish i knew. wish i knew.
where my mind was.
wish i knew. wish i knew.
what his heart looks like on the inside.

stars, twinkle. twinkle away.
i'll be here. i have nowhere.
i am no one.

your hands are feathers
and their trails brand my skin.
your lips envelop me, and you
eat me whole.
your eyes are my freedom,
and i want to lose myself in them.
your skin is my playground,
and i always find something new.
fumbling in the dark, barely seeing,
but the sight of your outline
is enough to bring me to tears.
your breath caught in mine.
your skin tangled in mine.
pulling me into you, i have lost everything.
and you.
you.
are in my every crevice.
every pore.
every hair.
every scar.
every eyelash.
every muscle.
every vein.
and you dive deeper and deeper
until your sweat is my sweat.
your fingerprints are my fingerprints.
your desire is my desire.
you soak in my moans
and my shivers are your salvation.
your hand grasps
while your mouth is ablaze
the rhythm of your hips
the edges of your teeth
the scent of your ***
the maps on your skin
is my nighttime desire
every night, i want you. and me.
in the same bed.
rolling around, the sheet stuck to us
like paste.
and we. we are one.

touches ungainly in the darkness.
breathes entangled in each other's throats.
hands. roaming. traveling. drifting.
the familiarity of your muscles.
tongue. tasting. consuming. savoring.
the orbit of your back.
fingers. soaking. engrossing. immersing.
the blueprint of your slumber.
your slumber. my slumber.
your face nuzzled in my bird nest.
my arm wrapped like a boa constrictor.
your calf easing my calf.
your early rise. my grogginess.
your gentle smile. your hungry kiss.
drift. drift.
back into the wondrous state.
a world where we both reside.
darling, to sleep by your side
every night of every day
of every month of every year.
i dream. i dream.

i hope between your thighs i speak in riddles
you solve days later, sweat like moths rising
on your upper lip,
you speak in flash fiction between mine, stories
i linger in, swim in, fall in, wanting to hear it
again
again
again.

i hear the bird in my mind
chirping.
sweet like sugar meltin'
hairs on skin rising like the sun
music. music. music.
my little fella's telling me
play it. sing it. dance it.
until your heart bleeds the notes.
your lips are buzzed with the melodies.

until you are drunk.
drunk off the music.
the beauty. the life.

i did not shower today,
for i still feel the last few slips of heat
from your throat.
i did not shower today,
for the thought of you squirming
inside, makes me shiver.
i did not shower today,
for your teeth are eating my
collarbone. it looks like a lovely birthmark.
i did not shower today,
for washing you off would be lonely
and idiotic.
i did not shower today,
because i know your scent will be
trapped in my hair
and at some point in the middle of the
night, i will wake up, and forget, that
you are not here.

I had a dream recently,
where you were *******
me,
and it was so ******* hilarious,
because you were awful.


before waves, I used to imagine you
being the one to anchor me until the chains
ripped my skin to bone.

before sun rays, I used to think you
were the only one who could make my flesh
burn and peel and never ever heal.

before alcohol, I used to get foolishly drunk
on you. and you. and you.

i was a hunk of fish being hacked away by a
unsharpened butcher knife.
the hunks and guts splattered all over the apron.

you used to say i was beautiful,
and i guess i can’t believe it anymore because
you ripped my spine out only to place the bones
wrong and walking has never felt the same.

this dream never made sense, like the rest of them,
i swim through them with too much salt in my lungs
and the ocean keeps trying to drown. Drown. Drown. Me.

see you again, in a dream, in a wave, in a lie.
the thing is, i sort of want you inside,
but i only know you’ll crash.break.rip.stomp.
and my skin is already mangled

i wish you could see the cosmos.
the celestial body shines. shines. shines.
your lips pour luminescence.
your fingerprints stain.
floating. floating somewhere else.
in another time.
the clouds rest, the moon hums another tune.
its brillance is nowhere as close to yours.
eyelashes dusty, sleep creeps in the cracks.
tonight. tonight. tonight.
another night where this world is full of beauty,
where our sparks outshine every city light,
where our quivers out shake any earthquake.
this is our world. tonight.
heaven. no, better, because all i taste
when i lick your lips is pure sugar.
the moon keeps humming, and i fall asleep
with you entangled in my veins.
and i smile.
smile.

i'm leaving the bed as is,
with your fumes, your impressions etched into the sheets.
a mold in the pillow case.
when i sleep, i'll leave your side untouched.
so when i reach,
i will hold a glimmer
of you.

i think i'm your drug, i know you're mine.
with a breath, you drink me in. with a puff, i exhale you out.
it's hard to see past the vapor, the air is pungent with our fever.
i take another hit, so your eyes will shine even brighter.
your tongue waits with impatience, i see my skin ablaze.
seeping into every nook, your substance sinks into mine.
the fog embraces us,
kisses us,
excites us,
your heart drums into me with perfect rhythm.
oh, i may be an addict.
but the high. the high. over and over again, i will
lick your sweat until i throb.
i will move and squirm until you purr.
i will breathe in the fumes, and watch your body glisten.
withdrawal sounds like hell,
so give me another hit

slowly, you lured me.
and then i ran into your web. and i was trapped.
except, i don't even care anymore.
i eagerly await your fangs
your venom needs to run in my veins
but you'd rather fly away
leaving me, empty.
i chase. and chase. and chase.
forgetting you is impossible
your fangs still linger over my neck
i welcome this spider web. my second home.
your shadow haunts, and
every time i think it's you.
a muscle spasm, where are your hands?
a single tear, but no kisses
twisting and turning in this sticky paradise
my eyes refuse to close
insane must be me
your fault. i can't escape this web
i have chains, don't you see?
you made them
i'm only yours.

but you're gone.

please return to my body
my pulse beats, dancing for you
my hair itches, waiting to be scratched
instead, i stroke myself
my fingernails leave marks
i pretend it's your porcelain back
gleaming

i drink until i am full
i sing until i am deaf
i cry until there is no liquid left
in my body


spider web, spider web, i'm still trapped.




where are your fangs?

the sun is calling all of us,
the wind is sneaking through our veins.
let our bones curve, not shake,
as the vines travel through our freckles.
your thighs may touch, but that is beautiful.
your stomach may not be flat, but that is beautiful.
your ribs may show, but that is beautiful.
do not let the scary monster of society lick you up.
frolic through the flowers, because you want to.
kiss the sand and soar through euphoria,
with nothing but shining eyes and crooked smiles.
you might have scars, but that is beautiful.
you might have stretch marks, but that is beautiful.
wear two pieces, one pieces, tank tops, sweaters, scarves,
because i will find you beautiful. and summer will find you beautiful.
dance with me into the sticky nights,
cry with me through the sunsets,
find your
beauty,
and ravish in it.
let us all be summer kissed,
and let us all be beautiful.

a ball of light has gone right through me
and exploded.
so if i randomly start to shine
or sparkle, that is why.
it is now in my veins, causing my heart
to pound non stop.
my eyes shine brighter, for the ball of light
has given me a gift.
my skin twinkles in the sun,
and i breathe the cleanest air.
my kisses are cosmic,
causing planets to move
and starts to explode.
i feel my body glide.
no effort needed.
i am a fairy, frolicking
through the meadows.

my wings alert and ready to fly.

i am so beautiful, you say.
so, see the insides too.
they squirm and fly for you.
come inside my body.
do you see the taped together heart?
the ribs are cracked, trying their hardest to contain it
the lungs are bruised but full of your air, your breath
the arteries are open, the blood
is soaking you in
dust away my fears, worries
tangled in between my sternum
eat your way through my passion,
fitted in between my stinging muscles
tear away the hesitation
smacked upon my weary bones.

take a journey.
for this is all yours.
take your time.
i have all day, babe.
but when you are done.

make sure you kiss my lips. hard and long.

we never talk about the ******* afterward.
it's hidden in the dust on my sheets, his liquids still fresh,
his cologne stamped on my pillowcases,

instead he asks about work, mentions his exhaustion,
doesn't bring up the marks he always leaves,
the one on my arm like a birthmark,
the small red ones on my back,

the ones on my hips like roses left out for too long

last night his fingers pressed on my throat and he kept asking how
i liked it. i was drunk, he was drunk and when he said he loved *******
me i almost thought he said
he loved
me.

in my room we spoke of what we always spoke of, books and PhD's,
of classmates, of futures, and interrupting our conversation his
lips found mine, in a hungry kind of way,

he never really liked to kiss.

it'll be two weeks until i see him again, perhaps longer,
and our talks will be briefer, and i am hoping my scratches are long
and violent on his back, i hope his skull is stinging from my
pulls.

we **** like we'll never **** again, and maybe i haven't had
this passion in a long while,
because i know he'll never be mine.

his fingers on my throat felt like freedom, and it's in those hours between
late night and early morning we are nothing but skin,
his fingers on my throat,
his fingers on my throat,
his fingers on my throat,

i'm choking on my spit

i have given everything.
the veins of my heart, perfectly lined beneath you.
my insecurities full in a box of metal.
the patchy scars presented as paintings, artifacts.
my quirkiness, scribbled and doodled on many pages.
my love.
that is the sky. the grass. the birds. the taste of air.
my love cannot be confined.
or defined.
it is everywhere. and everything.
darling, i only hope it's enough.

i am aching and my tongue tastes like your
******* ignorance. like salt with *****,
i want to *****.
your fingers prodded me until i thought they reached my
spine.
take the pieces out, i have already lost the stability of my
own canvas.
you are a man with unshaken wrists,
who's legs known only how to walk away,
your speech like writing on pavements, never lasting for
too long.
once you had covered me head to toe with marks.
bruises. scratches. i had become the rag doll.
you threw while your lips shivered,
your hand on my throat no longer felt like
peace.
i cannot stop thinking of your fingers in me, searching for
a lie, or a truth, or a ******* resemblance.
nose breathing in the fumes of tears, sweat and mistakes.
for some seconds, i had believed your teeth wanted to chew out flowers,
not ******* thorns.
in the morning, your face, i no longer knew.

you had become the monster i had seen so many times before.
the monster who says i miss you yet can't
look at you in public spaces.
the monster who only calls you beautiful when your legs are wrapped
around him.

i have known this monster. time and time and time again.

the darkness spreads. from the chest first,
it hurts like hell.
it creeps into the blood stream, an ink with no removal.
paralyzes. blinds. constantly hitting dead ends.
tasting nothing but ash, head is heavy,
eyes constantly refueling.
darkness crawls upon the skin, no touch soothing.
no pain suitable. it disperses from fingernails.
until there is nothing left but a small puddle.

sinking.
that is all that is left to do.

this frayed skin has been shed
caterpillar shattering cocoon.
greens, golds, purples, drench the air.
honey kissed lashes, lips full of fire.
prowl the grass, footprints engraved.
see the water. the moon and stars that coincide.
slip into the summer skin, with the golden tan that
sizzles with freedom.
place the summer glasses over your eyes, the ones that
sparkle and dance. place your other self into a dark and cool place.
now.now.now.
frolic. taste. feel. see. smell. cherish.
the sun blinds, yellow rays that penetrate.
the trees hum, birthing life and letting go.
place yourself inside, let the roots ****** you, the sky eat you
and the world embrace you.
slip into the summer skin,
and run. run. run.

you said my skin was
cinnamon.
i wonder if it
tasted like it too.
your skin was cigarette ash & *****.
my tongue is thick with it.

after him, your kisses felt strange,
your lips too chapped and your tongue intruding.
after him, your body felt awkward,
ended too quickly, with no finish line in sight.
after him, your story felt old,
run over too many times.
after him, your love felt alien,
a stranger that could never be friended, a ghost never gone.
after him, you felt like a memory,
a bruise upon the heart,
still there, but fading.

they were real.
salty, soaked, strange.
upon your canvas, mixed into the rocky sea,
a hurricane was feasting.
shaking, shaking, shaking.
with my fingers, i tired to anchor.
with my lips, i tried to calm.
i couldn't dig my fingernails,
you refused to look at me.

my beautiful, wonderful baby,
all the galaxies combined could never
match your wonder.
let me kiss your tears, lick the salt away.
i must see your eyes,

we all need to be broken sometimes.

one day maybe, you’ll let me write my poems upon your skin,
let the words, like vines, trickle and tingle through your veins, itch and scab upon your pores.
so, whenever you’re sad, whenever you’re lonely,
you can see the ink,
and know i will be there, even when it fades.

being alone, it isn't so bad.
at first, it is well...lonely.

that hole in your chest widens
and the pain is painted fresh
on your skin,
just like your tears.
you wrap your arms around yourself
since no one else is there to do it for you.
you question. you become angry.

but being alone, it isn't so bad.

you died to be in that party
squeezed, with no room to breathe.
you longed to have the alcohol
dance in your veins
with the eyes of a stranger burning
your skull.
but when you are really there,
the loneliness is overwhelming.
you are alone there, more alone
than one will ever be.
the bass is pounding inside you
but you can't hear a thing.
there are people all around
but the conversations are miles away.

being alone, it isn't so bad.

you have you, which is all you need.
with your thoughts,
your imagination,
your feelings.
you don't always need someone.
your soul is bright enough.
your heart is big enough.
when you are alone, smile
instead of scowl.

for it's not so bad.

love, *******.
for making me want him so badly
for making me think about him
every second.
for making me his, and only his.
blind. i am blind.
my sense of reality has been distorted.
and.and.and.
i thought i knew better.

love, why this?
i want to die yet
i've never felt more alive
i find tears on my pillow but
my cheeks hurt from grinning
i hate waiting for him but
the moment i see his face,
i am ready to burst

love. what a stupid stupid thing.
but i can't get enough.

love, *******.
love, thank you.
love, really?
love, i don't understand.

love....




i love you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. Except it’s effortless, with no sound. But I still feel the water enter my lungs; I still feel the weight pull me down,
down,
down, until I have no strength. I see the world around me, but it’s all blurry, and the water stings my eyes.
I feel tears.
I want to cry. I want to express these bundled up emotions, but I can’t.
Because this water suffocates me, wraps me in its arms and sings a lullaby I cannot resist.
So I merely stare at people, hoping, wishing they will see the silent tears, the pain that has no voice.
But I fall further into the water. I never find the bottom.
I keep falling.

God to me is nothing more than fiction,
but his attendance is fervent
when your tongue flickers between
my thighs.

between reality and sedatives,
I was a mermaid with green glimmering
scales and sopping hair with highlights of sun.
you were the sailor and I was singing you home,
home, home.

between ****** and originality,
I wanted to break the bed with
the daemons creeping between my cradles.

between fainting and breathing in
kaleidoscopes, the atmosphere
was nothing but the lines between your lips.

between ******* and sleeping,
******* and sleeping, I cannot remember what
real life felt like. between love bites and bruises,
I no longer want to know what clean skin looks
like.

between kisses and *******,
I have danced through clouds and
met with stars, and they have told me
what I already
knew.

"come to me, come to me.
let's embrace and be one again".
the scar turns away, quivering and shivering.
"not this time,"* he cries.
"you always say the same thing", snorts the rust.
"i need you"
closer and closer.
slight graze.
new friends pop up like
mushrooms.
the blade smiles a crude smile.

*"you always say the same thing"

the night we held each other under the street light.
do you remember it?
it was summer, or close to it.
warm enough to wear a light sweater,
the scent of heat wafting in the air.
we hadn't been in a fight exactly.
but i guess it was something close to it.
i was upset, i believe, but i can't recall why.
the drive, i don't remember.
the songs played in my car, i don't remember.
but i do remember
the moment i stepped out of the car.
i remembered seeing you.
and i remembered the stitches breaking themselves
open.
there were no words between us, no light "hello"
or questions or explanations.
i ran to you, wrapped my arms around
your middle and sighed.
my anger vanished.
whatever feeling or resentment i had left,
with the changing season.
your fingers traced my hair,
the beat of your heart forever echoes in my head.
i breathed you in, and i secretly wished
that your scent would forever stay with me,
following me when i would have to leave.
we didn't kiss. or talk. or move.
we held each other. the street light
above us cast an eerie glow
and i remember thinking how *******
cliche it all was.
but i didn't care.
i remember thinking right then and there
how much i had really fallen in love with you.
i was thrilled but terrified.
for i knew from then on my rusty old heart
was yours.
the feel of your lips on my forehead
a cross between feathers and bubbles.
your hand enclosing mine, leading to your house.
and i smiled.
because i loved you.
and i love you so.

i am tired, and my bones are sore and at times
i want to curl up within the ground and
have the tufts of grass and dried up leaves call
me home.
at moments i am so tired of others,
their teeth, too much shown and how it all
seems like paint still trying to dry.
i am tired of men waggling their lips, and i am tired
of women always defending and i am tired of people
pushing my veins inwards.

i feel like weeds trying to grow in botanical gardens.
i cannot fit.
i cannot speak enough or be quiet enough.
i am shoved into outlines designed for others.

i do not know where my fingers should lie, and when i am
drunk and screaming i (almost) feel the most
alive, but then
when i am surrounded by history in beautifully spaced
architecture, i am
(almost) alive.

where do i start and where do i end.

why do bruises on me look like jewelry?
i am nothing. but i am you.
if i bite his shoulders hard enough, i can find bones.
i can find the Great Wall of China.
these lines on hundred year old parchment has become my salvation.

i want to be alone,
yet i want his nails digging me up.
i want to hear her tongue on her teeth,
yet my lungs can't expand
enough.

you are welcome to leave marks,
splashes, ink stains, scratches.
make some rough drafts,
until you reach your masterpiece.
my body is your canvas, my dear.
be creative. use blue,
use grey, use purple, use some
yellow for effect.
if you dare, use red.
i won’t complain,
i await your paint brushes,
your pencils,
your chalk.

oh, i wish i could hold you tight
in my fingers
squeeze until you begged for mercy
can i loop a leash
around your infinite space?
you are my dog now
you must obey

stop, please? slow down
can't you see the beauty around?
i pant, trying to keep up
i wipe the beads of sweat
from my forehead

infinite space

do you see? everything's floating

you continue. you continue.
no glances, no second thoughts

you could care less

my eyes, wide with fear
old age, blink, all of it's gone
moments. memories.

i thought i had you tight
you're responsible for this

your infinite space scares me
there's no control
there's no definition

infinite. infinite. infinite.

Dear Love,

Yes, here I am again
Knocking on your door
I know I should have learned
The last time
But I thought this was different
I met him over the summer
Didn't think much of it
Didn't know I was going
To fall so fast...
Into you
His smile captured me
His eyes made me feel alive again
He made me think about you
When I thought I had given up
He made me believe there was a chance
Of falling under your spell again
Oh, god, I know I need to stop
But you keep pulling me back
Over and over again
And every time I think I have you
You're gone, slipped away
You tricked me again
I thought maybe...
He would change my luck with you

Do you enjoy my suffering?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
I need you so badly
Without you, I feel empty
What's wrong with a warm touch?
A gentle kiss?
Sweet words whispered?

Can I hold you
Just for a brief moment?
So I can know what it truly feels like
Let me taste it,
Even for only a second
I want to remember the flavor
And once again
You'll slip through my fingers
And find your way out of my heart

Were we never meant to be?

a little girl idolized me today,
"you are so fast!" her dress had pink
flamingos and her hair glistened underneath the shaky
sun. her brown eyes were orbs of hope.

"you know, anything boys can do, girls can do just as well"
her mother’s advice, i never heard from my own.

"well, she probably thought you were real pretty"
my shoulders slumped as i sipped cherry juice. sweat slipped
beneath my belly.

pretty? pretty? pretty?

what about my ability to run, how my muscles
expand, contract. how my brain is churning with explosives,
and my heart is able to let all these words and turn them into
daisies.

the little girl hugged me before she left,
"you are so good!"

i never heard pretty, or cute, or beautiful,


and i want this girl to grow up to know she is the veins
beneath the grounds, and she can grow up to be
whoever she
wants.

an athlete, a mathematician, a fashion designer,
as long as she’s not only
*pretty