cotton candy kisses
your mouth are sour patch kids
licking the lips, they are sour
but the tongue is oh so sweet
taste buds are alive. tingling. sizzling.
your ears are hershey kisses
small, adorable and delectable.
your skin is mouth watering taffy
melting all over me.

your tootise pop is my favorite
the exterior is hard, just like tasty candy
the inside gooey and messy
not too many licks
but just enough, to ******* favorite
treat of all

i am so beautiful, you say.
so, see the insides too.
they squirm and fly for you.
come inside my body.
do you see the taped together heart?
the ribs are cracked, trying their hardest to contain it
the lungs are bruised but full of your air, your breath
the arteries are open, the blood
is soaking you in
dust away my fears, worries
tangled in between my sternum
eat your way through my passion,
fitted in between my stinging muscles
tear away the hesitation
smacked upon my weary bones.

take a journey.
for this is all yours.
take your time.
i have all day, babe.
but when you are done.

make sure you kiss my lips. hard and long.

i have given everything.
the veins of my heart, perfectly lined beneath you.
my insecurities full in a box of metal.
the patchy scars presented as paintings, artifacts.
my quirkiness, scribbled and doodled on many pages.
my love.
that is the sky. the grass. the birds. the taste of air.
my love cannot be confined.
or defined.
it is everywhere. and everything.
darling, i only hope it's enough.

your hands are feathers
and their trails brand my skin.
your lips envelop me, and you
eat me whole.
your eyes are my freedom,
and i want to lose myself in them.
your skin is my playground,
and i always find something new.
fumbling in the dark, barely seeing,
but the sight of your outline
is enough to bring me to tears.
your breath caught in mine.
your skin tangled in mine.
pulling me into you, i have lost everything.
and you.
you.
are in my every crevice.
every pore.
every hair.
every scar.
every eyelash.
every muscle.
every vein.
and you dive deeper and deeper
until your sweat is my sweat.
your fingerprints are my fingerprints.
your desire is my desire.
you soak in my moans
and my shivers are your salvation.
your hand grasps
while your mouth is ablaze
the rhythm of your hips
the edges of your teeth
the scent of your ***
the maps on your skin
is my nighttime desire
every night, i want you. and me.
in the same bed.
rolling around, the sheet stuck to us
like paste.
and we. we are one.

patience, i thought i understood.
your heavy weight on my shoulders is supposed
to teach me a lesson.
your repeated whispers are supposed
to comfort me and calm me down.
but i am about ready to throw you out the window.
i have been with you patience,
since the day i was born.
you cradled me in your arms
raising me, teaching me.
when the yelling and beating started,
you would shield my eyes
playing a lullaby until i fell asleep.
when the boys came along,
you held my hand.
when the boys broke my heart,
you kissed the tears away.
patience, your lessons are complete *******.
patience, i wait for him night and day
with no word.
and what am i gaining from this?
ribs that are cracking
and a throat too tight to breathe.
i love him, patience, but what am i to do?
i squeeze you, hoping that your words
become true, that one day he will be here.
patience, i am ready to give up
this pain is too great
but patience, you know, don't you?
that i can't...not yet.

i thought afterward, we would grow closer
but instead i find myself pushing you further and further away
you are everything i despise because you are everything
i never want to be.
it was almost...easier
to just make it so obvious that i hated you.
now my cheeks sting and my vision is nothing
but red.
our fake life was close to believable.
maybe, in some ****** up, "perfect" world we could have been
normal.
brushed each other's hairs,
you would tell me about your college days,
i would gossip to you about my boyfriend,
i would show you my scars,
i would confess how i cheated and my other sins,
you take me out for my first drink when i turned 21,
and we would become like those perfect people
in those movies, where everything was forgiven.
and all it took to move on was a dramatic monologue
filled with enough tears to drown someone.
that never was life.
i put my fist in my mouth to stop the words
from flying out.
cruel and unforgiving, they would cut you upon contact.
i bite until i taste blood
and wonder if you ever will be happy.
i bite to feel the pain
instead of intense hatred for you
i bite so i will have a reason to cry
for we all know how you feel when you see my tears
the taste of iron forever stays on my tongue
and i look into your eyes
but there's nothing.

it was always the same.

sleeping next to you...
(how do i put it?)
is the meaning of absolute bliss.
like that taste of perfect lemonade
on a sizzling summer day.
in a state of semi-consciousness
turning, to find you next to me
with a simple sigh
i smile.
listen to your breathing
feel your chest slowly rise and fall.
i trace my fingers over your face
hoping they will be forever remembered.

if i could have one wish come true
i would wish to sleep next to you every night
with the sound of our silence
be my soundtrack.

sometimes, i forget what your face looks like.
i forget your eyes that change color. i forget the shape of your lips.
i forget the texture of your hair.
and i cannot breathe. my throat closes and the pain. the pain is indescribable.
i open my mouth, with some small hope air will find it's way in.
it lasts for at least five seconds. but in that time it seems an eternity.
i close my eyes, searching every corner of my mind.

your eyes. your eyes. your eyes.

and then it's there. your smile. your smooth golden
strands intertwined in my fingers.
your face that compares to nothing else.
and your eyes.
your eyes that are green
and then grey
and then sometimes blueish grey
and how they so much remind me of a storm breaking upon a sea.
i can breathe.
except, i keep my eyes closed a little longer.
because, i want to see you.

every second i miss you.
it's become so bad, i start to ache.
it's an illness, and the only cure is your lips.
your voice will suffice for now, but i need
to trace my fingertips upon your face
remember all the familiar creases.
your body, i need it absorbed into mine.
i can't feel anything without you.
your heartbeat is my lullaby
falling asleep takes too long.
digging my nails into my arm
hoping to have a spark
but nothing compares to your hand grasped
around my hand.
the bruises on my legs
are nothing to the bruises that are from
your savage love.
nothing. nothing. nothing.
it's all nothing without you.
with you, it's everything.

distance,
you make the miles between us appear
like a never ending desert
distance,
you make me forget the shape of his
lips
distance,
you make time freeze
distance,
you put pressure on the cracks
distance,
you kick me when i'm down
distance,
why can't i remember how his tongue
tasted?
distance,
you're not even that long, yet it's as if
i'm in another country
distance,
why must i sleep alone every night?
distance,
when can i have him again?

you're that ******* scab i keep picking at,
only to have the blood spill and harden
again.

with a smile and a snap,
you expect my clothes to appear on the floor.
with a stupid combination of words
you wish for me to drop to my knees.
oh babe, how blind are you?
there are tears flowing down my cheeks
for i haven't been able to stop laughing.

keep thinking what you want
imagine me in any position your black heart
desires.
i'll play along. whisper all the ***** words
your ears die to hear.
i'll fix my hair real nice,
powder my face to perfection
and i'll appear, like some fairy
you never would have believed in.

darling, am i not a goddess?
kiss my feet, you worthless animal
say you are sorry until you have no voice left

i will take your face in my hands
put your lips to mine
and spit the poison you fed me back
into your mouth
i will shove you to the floor
throw my head back and laugh
dig my heel into your back
until blood trickles like small rivers

leave. i will leave you. just like all those years ago
when you left me.


babe, it was all too simple.


oh, hello *******.
my name is karma, it's a pleasure to meet you.

you are a dog with its tail tucked under
the belly. with no sound left
for bark.
i saw this coming weeks ago
i smelled your rotten stench
your poison
was hard to miss.
crawling, with nothing left but
your tears. how dumb am i?
no. no. not anymore.
the glint in your doe eyes
your teeth with a hint of daggers
the crack in your mask is so
apparent now.
while taking you in my arms
you would have bashed my head in
until my mind was blank again.
instead, i will turn
for there is nothing i want to give
instead, i will watch you suffer
and laugh until all sanity has escaped
instead, i will pour the guilt down
your throat.

you will choke.

you are my hot shower after a
cold day
you are my sunshine with no
cloud in sight
you are my fuzzy blanket wrapped
around me like a cocoon
you are my blistering fire
filling my blood stream
you are my summer day provoking
the sweat on my gleaming body
you are my cozy sweater that
i always love to wear
you are my warmth.
i dive into your arms
and every inch of cold in me melts
i press my lips to your skin
i taste flames.
my tongue burns.
your fingers leave prints. on my back, my neck,
my face.
my beautiful warmth.
so, touch me
put your lips to my cold ones.
let's create sparks

little goldfish, you are so small
one tiny piece. in this gigantic place.
little goldfish, you swim in the same circles.
never going anywhere.
little goldfish, why do you stare?
your large eyes
empty. drowning.
little goldfish, you rise to the top
only to find it hard to breathe.
little goldfish, you swim
to find there is nothing
vast nothingness.
water. just water.
little goldfish, does it scare you?
little goldfish, i wish i could take
your bowl and throw you into
the river.
i wish i could throw you on land
and watch you fade.
little goldfish, your suffering would end.

little goldfish,
where is your mind?

all my tears this weekend were spilled
over you.
friday. you. saturday. you. sunday. you.
for that time, a fire ignited inside of
me.
oh, it was so short though.
for soon i was numb
the tears made streaks upon my *****
face. and i was numb.
numb to you. numb to the pain.
numb to the world.
i wanted you out
i wanted you in
i wanted to scream
i wanted to sleep
but, ****.
i saw you.
and my insides crumbled.
the angry words vanished like
dandelion wishes.
once clenched fists turned into
itching fingers.
when i kissed you, it was as if i had been dehydrated
and you were my delicious glorious water.
i brushed your cheek, wishing my fingerprints
were visible.
your scent made me tingle
from the inside out.
my tears were no more.
i couldn't even remember anything.
you looked at me.
that's all it took.

i sighed and grasped your hand
and as you pressed your lips
to my palm
i knew i was doomed

i am to you, a rag doll
i am limp and frail in your
wide hands.
when the mood is right you will
caress me with soft
tenderness.
your lips will brush my forehead
as my limbs tingle.
otherwise
your words will leave purple marks
on my arms.
they will be powerful.
and they will sting.
i taste the blood in my mouth
wondering.
i know this is my fault
i never meant it.
but confusion clouds my vision

for how, my sweet, can i make you rage
when i have given you everything?

you cut out my heart, and i see it
sit in a pretty jar
you pressed your lips to mine
and ****** out my soul
it floats behind you, never leaving

how?how?how?

for you own every inch of me
you throw me down.
i taste the dirt and
for a minute
i cannot breathe
and for a minute
i believe i have died
and for a minute
i wanted you with me
in the soil
with my arms wrapped around you.

how, my darling?
for you are my world
you are my universe

i am just your rag doll
limp and frail
i wish to taste your lips
and taste nothing else.

but you. you. you.

oh, my darling.
you refuse me.

and for a minute
the dirt looks oh so inviting.

you expect me to be here.
with no questions.
no complaints.
you assume
my lips will be waiting for you.
and you take me for granted.

darling,
i love you so much.

but i'm suffocating.

i am not always so sweet.
my eyes do not sparkle every time
for you
more times they have watered
unexpectedly

my hands will not always reach for you
they will clench with frustration,
cracking until they are numb

my legs do not want to run to you
every single time
they will go in the opposite direction
until they burn with exhaustion

i want to slap you until
the realization is branded
but then.
i want to kiss your wounds
lick away the pain

i want to scream until my voice
crawls into your veins.
but then.
i want to hold you
so tight. so tight.

darling, my beautiful darling.

you are breaking me.

soon, there will be
no pieces left

you think you're so high and mighty
with your tight shirt and
backwards cap
you believe you rule

bile rises in my throat while i pass
shivers crawl into my veins
and the words i say are thick
and coated
with something you've
never heard before

i see your eyes
as i speak

they are full of nothing.
black. black.
an emptiness i cannot find
the end to

you lips lift in a twisted swirl
but your eyes tell all

realize. this is more.
realize. that your cowardice will be your own defeat.
realize. that your big words and stupid smile
will do the exact opposite.
realize. that you are nothing to me.
you are the ground beneath my feet
you are the maggots squirming in corpses
you are the bitter frost that creeps
during a winter morning
realize. you are empty.
and your words are empty.
and you look like nothing else
but a fool

i sometimes have a big feeling
that i think too much.

thoughts swirl like cotton candy in my
brain. there's no end to it.
at night i lie, eyes wide open
i watch the thoughts as they
fly across the darkness of my lids
sleep finds another door, shaking an
angry fist toward my direction
my lips lift in a surprised smile
and i collect my thoughts in my hands
i caress them. i compliment them.
i kiss them.
"thank you", i say.
for, without these thoughts
i would be empty.
empty.
empty.

here you go...
here is my heart.
wrapped in ribbons and shiny
paper.

it took a while to find it again.
i had to dig through broken glass
and wire.

but, with ****** hands

i present you my heart.

i know it doesn't look like much
but it holds untold stories, shared
secrets and scars
that should be long forgotten

i've been told it's bigger than most

so, please, will you be gentle?
will you treat it well?

it needs attention almost constantly,
so make sure you put some time aside.

it needs love. and it needs to be
held every now and then

so make sure your arms are big and secure

but, most of all...
it needs you.
it has chosen you.

right away, it thumped and bumped for you.

it had been a while...
the spider webs were finally cleared
and it was able to see the light of day again

and now, you have it.
so love it.


love me.

my heart...i present it to you.

beautiful women are not women
with flat stomachs
beautiful women are not women
with perfectly perfect white teeth
beautiful women are not women
with airbrush skin
beautiful women are not women
who's hair is not even their own

beautiful women are beautiful
because of their pudgy tummies
beautiful women are beautiful
because of their crooked teeth
beautiful women are beautiful
because of their moles, scars, and freckles
beautiful women are beautiful
because of their hair that explodes in rain
and cannot be tamed with a hair brush



beautiful women.


there are so many in the world.

so why don't you take these clothes
rip them to shreds
why don't you take this skin
slap it until red blossoms
why don't you take these thoughts
crush them until they are powder.

never good enough.

put on smiles for you
so big my lips tingle.
lend a ear, listening
concentrating, interacting.

never good enough.

try is a useless word
one that has been worn, tired
and locked away for others

beautiful, you say.
but these flaws. so many. too many.

smart, you say.
but these reports. no hard work.

good person, you say.
but these scars. these weaknesses.

you are full of ironies. contradictions.
throw them in my face
my screams are muffled.
wanting what is never in reach
typical. so typical.
never happy.
no. no. no.

i can never be like you
i will never be like you.

broke free, wings ready for flight.

gone.

you will miss me.
but there's nothing for me here.




never good enough.

i hear the bird in my mind
chirping.
sweet like sugar meltin'
hairs on skin rising like the sun
music. music. music.
my little fella's telling me
play it. sing it. dance it.
until your heart bleeds the notes.
your lips are buzzed with the melodies.

until you are drunk.
drunk off the music.
the beauty. the life.

if i could, i would tell you i love you
every second of every minute of every hour
of every day.
but i'm pretty sure i would pass out.
if i could, i would kiss you everywhere
over and over and over.
but i'm pretty sure i would become
dehydrated.
if i could, i would lie in bed with you
for months and months.
but i'm pretty sure we both would starve to death.
if i could, i would squeeze your hand
and grasp it, with no intention of letting go.
but i'm pretty sure you would
lose a hand.

if i could, i would be your girl, princess, best friend, lover, crazy kitty, *** goddess,
and cuddle buddy.

but i'm pretty sure,
i already am.

My heart’s on fire.

Do you see it? It burns, blazes. Whenever you are near.
If you leave, I will be consumed by the flames. For you are the only one who tames it.
But, but, it could go at any minute…
burst and I would be gone.
But I feel the heat. I hear the crackling. I see the embers glow.

My heart’s on fire.

For you. For you. My love. I hope you see.
You touch and the ember licks the salt from your fingertip
Your lips leave ashes behind
My sweat sizzles upon your tongue
The fire has sprung, has lived, has died, since you arrived
It thrives for you.
It becomes blue and weak when you have left, yearning for the kindle that is your love
You enter, and like a phoenix, I am reborn
And the fire sings to me a happy lullaby

My heart’s on fire.

But your heart is something completely different
Your heart is a waterfall, a sea, a raging hurricane
That clashes with my own
The steam rises between us, and it’s hard to see past the fog
Your cool liquid wraps around me
I feel myself begin to drown

My heart. My heart. Is on fire.
Raging. Burning. Fiery.
But only for you.


For you, my love.

i'm needy.
but i hate saying it.
not once, have i admitted it out loud.
but on paper...at least it seems
somewhat safe.
you see, with the people in the past
they would know
and they would run so far
away
that there was no hope for me
so, i decided to shut the world out
be independent. because love
just wasn't worth it.

but...now i am in need again.
i am in need of you.
i am in need of your kisses.
i am in need of your embrace.
i am in need of your tongue.
i am in need of your laugh.
i am in need of you.
you.
you.
you.

if i said this to you
would you run away?

i'm afraid to tell the truth
but the truth is...

i am needy. i am greedy. i am selfish.
i want you. all the time.
i sometimes think my head is
going to explode
because you are there, always.
my thighs ache.
and i become delusional.
i need you so much.
a day seems like a year without you
oh.
i.
need.
you.

yes, you will call me crazy
yes, you will shake your head
and yes, you will laugh
but i hope you will understand
after all, this is your fault
you started it all
and now, you must take responsibility

you must...no, you have to.
you have to say you need me too.
or i will no longer survive
you have to breathe me in.
you have to be on fire without me.
you have to miss me so much.
you have to realize that no one else
can make you feel so alive.
you have to realize.
because if you don't,
i will fall apart

there is no more rational.
logic has been long forgotten
all i know is
i need your love
i need you.

please say you need me too

i still can't believe it.
i saw you. not in my dreams
not in old pictures.
i saw you. standing. breathing.
living.

a new kind of blood pumped through my veins
i felt myself become
anxious. my heart pounded relentlessly.
i couldn't stop moving.iwasgiddy.

i walked up to you.
you looked at me.

i know when you looked at me, you didn't
really believe it was me.
you did a double take, but with your
eyes.

"hey," i whispered. i was afraid
that my voice would crack,
or squeak,
or be obnoxious.

as your eyes filled with recognition,
your smile became wide.

before i knew it, i was in your arms.

and instantly, memories flooded my mind.
in your arms, i felt for a moment,
sanity and contentment

and, for a moment, i didn't want to let go

when released, you were full of questions,
comments and more hugs

i searched your eyes, finding the same man
i fell in love with,
and i was afraid if i searched further, i would find
something else...
something that would open a wound in my heart
that had recently been stitched back up

you know what's funny?
the first thought that popped in my mind when i saw you was,
"he's alive"

i secretly wanted to grab your arms,
look for the scars that resembled my own

i wish the setting was quiet
and more relaxed
talking, i felt rushed.
i knew you wanted to talk more.

but now, the question
what else do you want?
is it possible for us to be normal?
is this smart? what will happen
when you come back into my life?

you know, i had accepted it

i had accepted the fact that
i would never see you again

i had shut you out and i was
finally ready to move on.

you caught me off guard

when i saw you,
i wanted to laugh.
i wanted to cry.
i wanted to scream.

whole
well, i was. for a while
i counted all the pieces, and all
numbers were counted for.
it's always so suddenly
bam.
the pieces fell away. some out
the window.
some crashed into smaller pieces
around my feet
some pieces shimmered
some pieces were pink
black, dark green, sky blue
some pieces lacked color entirely
i scrambled,
my hands fumbled
my fingers slipped, trying to
pick the pieces
some pieces cut me
and my blood stained them
dark red.

i stare at the broken pieces
and stare

love, *******.
for making me want him so badly
for making me think about him
every second.
for making me his, and only his.
blind. i am blind.
my sense of reality has been distorted.
and.and.and.
i thought i knew better.

love, why this?
i want to die yet
i've never felt more alive
i find tears on my pillow but
my cheeks hurt from grinning
i hate waiting for him but
the moment i see his face,
i am ready to burst

love. what a stupid stupid thing.
but i can't get enough.

love, *******.
love, thank you.
love, really?
love, i don't understand.

love....




i love you.

music. there is no description for it
i could spend endless amounts of time
thinking of every word that fits it
but the only one that fits, for me is
alive.

music makes me feel alive.

bass pounding, words screaming
i wish i could dance all day and all night
the music urges me, it tells me
to sing as loud as i can and
dance as hard as i can
soft guitar, voices whispering
my soul responds with hunger
more. more. more.
the voices penetrate my mind
the rhythm and melody raise goosebumps
tears in my eyes. from pain? happiness?
i don't even care.

lose yourself.
when music is on, i am gone.
i have left this world and entered
another one. a better one.
a world full of endless love and beauty
in this world, anything is possible
in this world, i am sara bareilles
and i have a voice
that angels would be jealous of
in this world, my dance enchants every person for miles
in this world, i dance on top of clouds
and when i sing, music notes float
from my voice in perfect pitch

without music, there is no world
it is empty, dark and
i am lost
instead of color, it is merely
black and white
without music, i am a drug addict
trying to recover
i sweat, i shake and have the urge
without music
there are little memories made
no singing with windows down
no dancing with hairbrush in hand
no songs to sing every word to
without music, there is no feeling
of being alive
no feeling of anger, sadness, and complete
bliss.


music is my soulmate.
my one true love
and we are to live a long
and happy life

slowly, you lured me.
and then i ran into your web. and i was trapped.
except, i don't even care anymore.
i eagerly await your fangs
your venom needs to run in my veins
but you'd rather fly away
leaving me, empty.
i chase. and chase. and chase.
forgetting you is impossible
your fangs still linger over my neck
i welcome this spider web. my second home.
your shadow haunts, and
every time i think it's you.
a muscle spasm, where are your hands?
a single tear, but no kisses
twisting and turning in this sticky paradise
my eyes refuse to close
insane must be me
your fault. i can't escape this web
i have chains, don't you see?
you made them
i'm only yours.

but you're gone.

please return to my body
my pulse beats, dancing for you
my hair itches, waiting to be scratched
instead, i stroke myself
my fingernails leave marks
i pretend it's your porcelain back
gleaming

i drink until i am full
i sing until i am deaf
i cry until there is no liquid left
in my body


spider web, spider web, i'm still trapped.




where are your fangs?

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. Except it’s effortless, with no sound. But I still feel the water enter my lungs; I still feel the weight pull me down,
down,
down, until I have no strength. I see the world around me, but it’s all blurry, and the water stings my eyes.
I feel tears.
I want to cry. I want to express these bundled up emotions, but I can’t.
Because this water suffocates me, wraps me in its arms and sings a lullaby I cannot resist.
So I merely stare at people, hoping, wishing they will see the silent tears, the pain that has no voice.
But I fall further into the water. I never find the bottom.
I keep falling.

i would like to say our story was that of
a great love story
except, it almost seems like a dream
i try to remember your skin,
and how it felt against mine. all
i remember are flames. burning.
i try to remember your lips. all
i remember is silk.
i know we shared secrets, thoughts and dreams
but it's all so far away in my mind
i try to reach for it, but my fingers only
graze the surface
i feel the electricity but i can't
find the source
so, when i read your words, i feel nothing
and then i'm sad
for i know i should feel something.
pity. desire.
the words flow through me
but i cannot grasp them
i cannot hold onto something
that never wanted to be captured
i still dream of you.
at least once a week
the moment i wake, i wonder why.
i should be angry at you. outraged
for you deserted me. left me.
when you were mine. when i was yours.
you left when i wanted nothing but you.
but instead of anger, i feel empty.
like a winter land with no life,
there's no life in the part of my heart
that you stole away
you. were so wrong. you thought i was mad.
you thought i didn't want you
i wanted you
but i never told you
so i know this emptiness is my fault
i wish, for one last time, i could see you.
and say farewell, properly
i would take your large hands
and place them on my face
try to remember the warmth you once supplied
i would go on my tip toes, swaying
and kiss your lips, wondering
if the butterflies will surface
once more
and i would smile

yes, i have someone new. yes,
he is wonderful.
but that doesn't mean i don't think of you
do you have someone new?
is she pretty? kind? wonderful?

i wish i knew.

our story is over, i've known for
such a long time.
we should exchange the chapters
of our lives



but i know we never will

get your talons out of me now
you should have dropped me long ago
let me breathe.
something i could never do around you
you dug into me
until i cried, screamed
your smile was wicked, full of regret
never was perfect
now that i am, it's still not enough
you find the smallest things
and rip them out of me
so i can see
jesus christ, do you ever stop?
these circles i keep running
will destroy me
you will be the death of me
i am most certain
satisfying you? there is no chance
your insides are full of ugly.
of shame. of guilty.
at least i tried. at least i lived.
you hid. you whine.
but never once
have you let me go.
the mistakes you made were so severe
you thought i might repeat

how could i?
how could i place blame on those i love?
how could i be so vicious?
how could i ever cut people apart until they were nothing?

if i were to give you a gift
it would be nothing but tears

the love you have for me
is a love full of broken words
i forgave you. but the memories burn my skull
like bright stars.

and your talons leave deep scars
that will stay on my skin
i will look at the white tissue
so ugly, so frail, and so beautiful.
everything you are.
gritting my teeth
i will fake the smile
i plastered on for you
you made me strong
but i am most certain

you will be the death of me

i don't want to admit this
i'm too scared to say it out loud
so instead, words on paper
is all i can do

i want you. i need you. i love you.
these, you know.
but i feel you don't understand

too long has it been
since i felt a touch
that burned my skin
when you kiss me, i die.
and then i'm reborn
i am so terrified
that you will wander.
you will forget the marks you left
on my skin
my body will no longer pleasure you
that when you speak to me,
you hear nothing buy buzzing

losing you.
i'm terrified.

you hold me, and i wonder
if there's only a matter of time
before your butterfly touch leaves

you grasp my hand
tell me.
over and over
that you'll always be here
your love will never go

i don't mean to laugh. i don't mean to cry.
but these promises have been made
far too many times

i say nothing
but touch you. for all i know,
it's our last night

so foolish, i know.
i thought this would never happen
i had my strongest guard up
no one could break it down

i was ready for nothing
idiot, is what i am
resisting you is like
resisting a natural disaster

i won't ever show this to you.
it wouldn't make sense
so, instead
i will love you like i've never
loved anyone before
i will not think about the pain

i will dig my nails into you
until you beg for mercy
and when i see the blood dripping
from my fingernails

i will lie to you.

and say i have no fears.

selfish. it's what we are
"he means the world to me"
"oh, i'm so happy for you"

no, you're not.
you want to be.
but you can't help but think

why not me?

you love your friend, but.
but.
you want it too. you want the love
the beauty. the success.
the perfection.

you put on the smile, while jealousy
burns your insides
selfish.

it's human nature.
we want everything for ourselves
and are greedy over other people's
miseries
we pretend to care. we pretend to take action.
in reality, we snicker on the inside

"thank god i'm not her"

you console.
but you're happy.
because it's not you
you offer words.
but they're empty
you hold them.
but your arms are no shelter

everyone is so selfish
the ignorance burns their skin
like branding irons


blistering, how can they not notice?

what can i say,
that hasn't already been said?
in the epic stories
in the love poems recited
too many times.

i could try to make up
lines saying how you
make me feel

but i can't.
because, words cannot
describe it.
words cannot describe how
fast my heart races.
words cannot describe how
what your lips feel like.
words cannot describe how
your eyes paralyze me.
words cannot describe

how perfect you are.

i tried
in this silly poem
still, it does you no justice

i will keep trying
thinking of words that describe
your beauty

there are so many words in the dictionary.

but none describe you

oh, i wish i could hold you tight
in my fingers
squeeze until you begged for mercy
can i loop a leash
around your infinite space?
you are my dog now
you must obey

stop, please? slow down
can't you see the beauty around?
i pant, trying to keep up
i wipe the beads of sweat
from my forehead

infinite space

do you see? everything's floating

you continue. you continue.
no glances, no second thoughts

you could care less

my eyes, wide with fear
old age, blink, all of it's gone
moments. memories.

i thought i had you tight
you're responsible for this

your infinite space scares me
there's no control
there's no definition

infinite. infinite. infinite.

you never realized
you were blind. so ******* blind.
i defended you, caught bullets for you, graveled at your feet for you.
thinking everything was my fault
all for you.

you smiled.
                                          one smile.
and gone.
    all i see now is your ghost
everywhere.
your ghost haunts me; making faces and telling me over and over
"you fool. you fool"

i wish i was face to face with you

so i could throw my emotions at you
i would gather them up in one big bundle
and shove them in your face
you would suffocate. you would cry.
you would suffer.
like i had been for so long
i would ask you,
"how does it feel?"
but you wouldn't be able to respond
for the pain would be too great
then, then
finally,

i would breathe.
the baggage will be gone, and i will run
i will laugh at you
laugh until tears leak from my eyes
laugh until my ribs break


if you weren't such a ******* coward,
i would have won.
instead you hide behind
your lies, fake confidence
you're cracking
but i know you won't admit
i'm the only.
the only one who sees

look me in the eye.
admit it
admit you threw me away
admit you never cared
admit that this all meant nothing
and admit...
admit you can't do it.






your ghost is here
with no intention of leaving

there are so many things i enjoy.
especially when i'm with you

the sunshine through the shades of you room,
seem to explode. i could hold them
in my fingers if i tried

do you see the rainbows
bathing my skin, making me
sparkle?

do i look like a kaleidoscope?

i'm a mermaid, a goddess, a nymph

i'm out of this world.

when i touch you, i see the sparks
illuminating the night sky
outside, it's snowing. it's disgusting.
here. in here.
i can taste the sweat. salty. so sweet.

my tongue dances in between my lips,
waiting to escape
i can't control myself
so, please excuse me.

for my actions might be too forward

                        i want to sink into you.
i want to bite until i taste the red
i want to claw until there's no way of letting go
i want to kiss until i can't feel my lips
i want you to love me until i break

because.because.because.
i have never wanted so bad

the world will end tomorrow
because of the supernovas we're creating

tonight.

that's all we have

my dream last night painted a clear picture

i was sitting in the theatre, next to
a friend. i was excited, because
my friends were on stage, performing
and you were there.

behind me.

i felt your eyes bore into me
searching every strand of hair
and lurking behind every patch of
skin.

annoyance filled my veins
and then your hands were on me
roaming my back
your breath heavy in my ear

my eyes closed. it felt so good
yet, my skin was crawling.
your thumbs kneaded into my skin
and your fingers traced every muscle

i was sweating.

wondering if this would end

you tugged my hair, twirling
strands




and then i left.
i didn't look at you. i couldn't.
i ran. out of the theatre.
out of the building.
i ran until i collapsed.


i ran until i forgot

no one is perfect. we all make mistakes.
are you one of them?

relationships are messy
(all of them)

friends, parents, teachers
lovers

emotions, tears, pain.
but, here's the thing...
i feel myself becoming attached
like elmer's glue on construction paper
messy and sticky
and with one touch, it's hard to
clean off

i try to imagine
hooking up, sleeping around, being with
someone else...
and i all i feel is...
"eh"

but i swallow it.

and i feel it all the way in my
stomach. gurgling. threatening.
to find it's way back up
i fake it

i like you.


but not that much

we were never friends.
we were leeches. *******.
feeding
the life from each other

exhaustion
that's all i ever felt afterward
you would speak to me

how did i not notice?
the smoke, like snakes, swirling
around you?
your eyes suddenly narrow, red?

how? how? how?

did i not notice
the knife hidden behind
your back?

oh, i saw the knife finally
but only.

only

when it was wedged deep in me
and my own blood

surrounded me

what a stupid game we played.
no straight answers.
headaches.
late nights.

waste. waste. waste.

i bet you enjoyed yourself.

yes, we were leeches
but you were the fatest one
******* every drop i had
until i was dry. dry. dry.

with your lovely eyes
and smile. you'd
convince me.

why was i blind?



i'm free now, did you know?
i sleep. i eat.

i live.

and without you
life has never been better

i always believed i was someone different.

someone who actually knew. the snowflakes
fall into my eyes
for a moment, i'm blinded.

i thought i knew the roads. the tricks.
the questions. the barriers.

i'm crumbling, still. i'm weak.

did i never grow strong?

i thought i knew.

knew that pain was inevitable.

i thought i knew.

you're not always the first choice.

i thought i knew.

you don't get what you want.

so if i throw my hands up and scream
who would even listen? i'm trapped in
an unknown element
uncomfortable and i feel hands on me
i'm trying to protect myself
because i thought i knew
everything that already needed to
be known.

the snow twirls around me
and i realize.
this snow is new.
wild. raging.
i know nothing. i'm naive.
it blows until i fall.

i'm stupid. snowflakes are unique.

i'm a girl who knows absolutely
nothing.

except.

that this snow will keep falling.

what happened to you?

i keep asking myself everyday


once, you were my sunshine.
your warmth enveloped me. your smile
was alive.

i don't see sun anymore.

gray clouds. thunderstorms lurking




i have tried everything.
to bring that light back.
i provided nutrition
i spoke with hopeful words
and i held my palms toward you


you ran away.
with the sun in your hands.



what have i done?
where is my sunshine?


you have hid it, far away.
i can never find it again.
now, you merely radiate cold.

i shiver.






where is my sunshine?

i wanted to dissolve with you.
through the blankets. the sheets.
the mattress. the floor boards.
the ground.

until we were at the center of the universe

i'm not perfect. well, actually
no one is.
faces with the clearest skin
bodies without an inch of flaw

i swallow to keep the hatred down

i'm not perfect

my stomach is
not flat
and yes, i
have acne. but that means
i'm human

i'm not perfect

pressure. pressure. pressure.

look at her
watch how she drifts
i bite my lip
and all i taste is steel
i don't always shave
and i don't
always bother with the brush

i'm not perfect

anyone who tells you they are
have lies dripping from their lips

burn those ******* magazines
turn off the useless screen

real women
are beautiful. are pure. are chubby. are hairy. are weird. are sweet.

are full of imperfections.

i'm not perfect

She clung on to the past
Wrapped her arms around it
Pressed against her heart
Old memories stuck on her
Like a virus
Never wanting to heal
She was trapped,
Stuck with nowhere to go
She’s been crying
For so long
Waiting for a miracle
But she woke up today
And saw the sunlight
Creeping in through her shades
She opened them
And was greeted with such brightness
It was so warm
It was so perfect
The light danced upon her skin
And she smiled
And thought
‘Today is beautiful’
She opened her arms
And welcomed the new day
The new time
The new life
She feels a little frightened
But has never felt more ready
It’s time to start fresh
New
Letting go
And reaching out
Everyday is beautiful
And she's gonna let the beauty shine

there is a rock
that sits outside my door
day by day.
it's there, with no intention of moving.
with my arms, i push
with my legs, i kick
it laughs at my pitiful attempts
telling me it's useless
covered in sweat and dirt
i cry. why won't you budge?
and then i realize
it's a woman. trapped in stone.
i want to help. let me break through.
her laughing rings in my ears.
no chance. no way.
you'll be trapped.
i can feel the grime
seeping into my pores.
there is nothing i can do.
i push. push. push.
my arms have turned to jelly
one last kick and i hear a snap
the pain consumes me and my face
hits the dirt

this is where she wanted me all along.
i wanted to help you.
i wanted to set you free.

you wanted me at your feet.
you wanted me to suffer.

i crawl to her.
with one last effort, my arms find the
middle. i give a squeeze
and hope that it'll be enough

i've snapped. and the pieces are breaking off