the emptiness comes again. from nowhere.
from everywhere. it is there, in the broad
daylight. it is there, lurking in the shadows.
it follows me.
most of the time, the emptiness is full.
like a meal, stuffing to the brim.
a glass with overflowing water.
most of the time, things are fine.
then, there is hunger. the glass
shatters on the floor and i am
devoured.
the pain from inside ebbs
away. and every time it visits, it
takes one little piece away.
a memory, a feeling, a dream.
but then the fullness returns.
the happiness. the content.
i see it though
for it is always there. waiting
for me. until i am weak
until all my energy is gone.
it rests on my shoulder, asking
me questions i will never
answer

it haunts me

i must be such a fool

to think you had changed an inch.

i must have pulled out the razor
again
and slowly dragged it against
my skin

because i must be a fool
i come back over and over

this silly ferris wheel needs to stop
because when i see you.
you're the same
your eyes trick me. but what else is
new?

your words seem comforting.
but then you push me away.
and i'm once again on the ferris
wheel

round and round. your face appears
in fragments.

i swear i'm going crazy
you promise me
but it's only filled with
emptiness

and unless the buzzing sensation takes
over

i mean nothing to you.

i was never the one with problems
but i created all of yours

you're my pain. you're my nightmare.
you're my revenge.

you're my greatest fear

If I were to pick an emotion
It would have to be confusion
Those eyes of yours are like deep seas
And I am the sailor slowly becoming shipwrecked
It sounds easy enough to
Just forget everything and move on
Yet when you are near me
My sanity and reason slowly escape
And the easiest thing to do is just
Dive into this new world of lust and hope
Where in that fleeting moment
I can feel wanted and loved…
…even if for only a moment…
It’s a hunger, which will never be fed
A thirst, which will remain parched
A love, which will never be returned
I’ve already lost my heart
It’s pieces were scattered
Long ago when I met you
And I know..
…I should stop
But every single time…
…I keep falling deeper and deeper
Into those eyes
Those eyes are dragging me to the bottom
My lungs are filling with water
As I’m slowly closing my eyes…
…I know I should give up
…but over and over again
I fall in love with those eyes
…I’m drowning…
Into those unexpected, beautiful and terrifying

eyes

It's kind of funny
how...
humanity is just slipping away
how you want to be everyone's friend
while deep down inside
you're hating so strongly
it's kind of funny
how you yell at me
saying i'm the one with problems
while the tears mark your face
how we say we hate being hurt
while we put another knife
into someone's back
it's kind of funny
how we say,
"it's what's inside that matters"
yet we all wear a mask
every single day
how you give me your hand
yet pull it away when i need
to hold on
it's kind of funny
when you say you're sick of pretending
yet you continue to wear that smile
and it's just kind of funny
how...
easily we throw friends away
easily we hate
easily we fall in love
easily we make mistakes
easily we fall apart
and it's kind of funny
how you keep telling me
you want a change
yet you're not doing
a **** thing about it

the gaping hole creeps. like shadows
lurking in daylight.
it comes suddenly, and i know
there is no way to stop it.
it will be there.
forever.
anything can invoke it,
a song, a smile, a thought.
the pain comes, then. searing.
as i stare at the two, the pain increases.
when i was younger, i had no
one to turn to. i was by myself.
i wrote stories and my imagination
soared.
i will never be able to
experience such closeness, because
it terrifies me.
even when i got close, they fled.
what if it happens again?
too big of a risk.
so i keep quiet while my eyes
gaze over and thoughts
overflow my brain.

i'll be okay.

just not now.

Dear Love,

Yes, here I am again
Knocking on your door
I know I should have learned
The last time
But I thought this was different
I met him over the summer
Didn't think much of it
Didn't know I was going
To fall so fast...
Into you
His smile captured me
His eyes made me feel alive again
He made me think about you
When I thought I had given up
He made me believe there was a chance
Of falling under your spell again
Oh, god, I know I need to stop
But you keep pulling me back
Over and over again
And every time I think I have you
You're gone, slipped away
You tricked me again
I thought maybe...
He would change my luck with you

Do you enjoy my suffering?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
I need you so badly
Without you, I feel empty
What's wrong with a warm touch?
A gentle kiss?
Sweet words whispered?

Can I hold you
Just for a brief moment?
So I can know what it truly feels like
Let me taste it,
Even for only a second
I want to remember the flavor
And once again
You'll slip through my fingers
And find your way out of my heart

Were we never meant to be?