do you want me to tell you?
how i thought i was going to puke on the drive over?
how the sunshine temporarily blinded me,
and i couldn't see you?
how your arms felt like a weird version of home?

somewhere, in the back of my mind,
i knew you were going to kiss me that night.
somewhere, in the back of my mind.

i felt an ease. a maturity.
a big sigh of relief left my body.
...i cannot believe we spent the day together. the evening.
so many times i knew i should go.
each and every time i looked at you
and thought of reasons to stay.
but now you've left again.
disappeared.
but it's so familiar to me.
i'm used to this by now.
but i wish i could see you.
i felt comfortable with you. i felt safe.
but you are nothing more than a dream
so i'll see you with the stars.
...and i have someone, anyway
who is real.
and who i will see in the moonlight, in the daylight,
and in the sunset.

maybe, someday,
maybe.

my beautiful baby, would it hurt to know
how his mouth hungrily ate my lips?
would it **** you to know
how his hands encountered my
aches, my scars,
my lady love?
my beautiful darling, what would
your face look like if i told you
his arms closely resembled yours?
what colors would your eyes be when
i described the rumble of his voice?
where would your fingers touch
when i showed you the bite marks,
the bruises of savage love?

i know what i would do.
i would touch your cheeks with my fingertips.
i would **** every color of yours into my lungs
and breathe them out into the rising dawn.
i would nibble your fingers, tasting
the throbbing of distress.

and i would kiss you. kiss you. kiss you.

for no matter who. no matter what.
my handsome man.
no one compares.
believe me when i say,
my heart is yours.
oh, my handsome man,
i am yours.

i must have met you in a dream
(for how else could such worlds collide?)
you were cool and i was small
(i remember the sweat pressed in my pores)
the first time we kissed
(i think i saw fireworks, and my stomach went
down to my toes)
you smelled so good
(i had too many secrets, unwinding from my tongue)
you laughed in perfect pitch
(my eyes couldn't remember the feeling of dry)
you swallowed me up
(i floated for days in the sea)
first time, i was shaking
(you never let me go)
the fireworks exploded
(i lost count of the stars)
now. now. now.
(you're the infection in my brain)
you squirm and squiggle.
(always there. always there.)
crazy? maybe.
(but i'd rather be crazy than without you)
please don't turn away
(your ocean will drown me)

"come to me, come to me.
let's embrace and be one again".
the scar turns away, quivering and shivering.
"not this time,"* he cries.
"you always say the same thing", snorts the rust.
"i need you"
closer and closer.
slight graze.
new friends pop up like
mushrooms.
the blade smiles a crude smile.

*"you always say the same thing"

trail my fingers along my thighs.
nothing like the graze of your
honeyed tongue.
dig my nails into my skin.
doesn't compare to your fervent teeth
on my collarbone.
whisper your name into the dark.
if only your storm sea eyes
could look at me.
and dazzle me.
and drown me.
and devour.
devour.
me.

i'll give you this much:
you sure know how to kiss
warmth traveled in my veins
and my stomach did something like
a backflip then two somersaults
you know how to be gentle
reading my uneasiness,
my trembles,
my gasps,
my want.
your tongue is patient
your hands rough
with old scars and stories forever hidden
underneath your lion rumble
you were once my giant
and i the small girl
we traveled among fields of wishes and sunflowers

your kiss feels right.
but my heart is no longer here.

my giant. my love.
one more kiss. or maybe two.
just for now.
just for now.

there were no warning bells
when i kissed you.
there were no flashing signs
as your hand undid the zipper.
i still don't know.

but your kisses reminded me
of kitten's tongues.
and i shuddered
as your large hands traveled
the familiar territory.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.

but the alcohol sang warmly in my veins.
and your teeth on my skin was heaven.
sickly sweet heaven.
we laughed like we used to laugh.
and your eyes bore into mine.
familiar taste on my tongue.

white powder swirling
in the dark of my eyelids.
i leaned into you like so many times before.
your arms, my pillars.
absorbed together.
only 15 hours spent.
but it was if nothing had changed.

i didn't think of him.
i know i should have.