i tried my best,
or at least i thought i had.
with tactless fingers, i grasped the bricks
and jammed them
together.
days oozed into nights
five days, four nights.
it was awkward, imperfect but it would do.
but someone tore it down
he appeared from nowhere, with a hammer
as large as a lion. the bricks feel in one
clumsy sweep.
i tried again.
but this time with bricks and barbwire.
i placed the barbwire on top of the bricks,
in front of the bricks, under the bricks.
slicing my skin open once or twice.
my blood marking the territory,
i grinned in satisfaction
until another destroyer emerged
he knocked and banged. he hit and yelled.
so close. so close.
but not quite.
cracks in the bricks, the barbwire tore here and there.
more, i thought. more. more.
so then came the sheets of metal.
my muscles sung as i lodged the walls into the dirt.
i bathed in sweat but
i couldn't stop until i was done.
the walls secure, the bricks more or less together.
the barb wire sharp and deadly.
i stayed in my little house. my little cave. my little sanctuary.
with too many books and cat hairs
and i was content.
except for the hole clearly visible on my chest.
each day it widened.
i threw baggy clothes, blankets. it grew and grew.
you came along suddenly
you knocked politely at the front gate.
you whispered pleasantries and
begged to kiss my eyelashes.
i refused. i yelled. i shook my head until i rattled.
you persisted. you wanted my fingers, my insecurities,
you wanted it all, placed in a pile beside you.
crumble. one piece of the wall broke.
crumble. another.
crumble. and another.
and before i knew it your hands grasped my wrist.
before the tears escaped, you licked them up.
before i could speak, your tongue muffled any sound.
oh, the hole.
it closed, and closed and closed

"stop acting so brave," you whispered to my chest.
no walls. no walls.
but always tools nearby. just in case.
just in case.

the night we held each other under the street light.
do you remember it?
it was summer, or close to it.
warm enough to wear a light sweater,
the scent of heat wafting in the air.
we hadn't been in a fight exactly.
but i guess it was something close to it.
i was upset, i believe, but i can't recall why.
the drive, i don't remember.
the songs played in my car, i don't remember.
but i do remember
the moment i stepped out of the car.
i remembered seeing you.
and i remembered the stitches breaking themselves
open.
there were no words between us, no light "hello"
or questions or explanations.
i ran to you, wrapped my arms around
your middle and sighed.
my anger vanished.
whatever feeling or resentment i had left,
with the changing season.
your fingers traced my hair,
the beat of your heart forever echoes in my head.
i breathed you in, and i secretly wished
that your scent would forever stay with me,
following me when i would have to leave.
we didn't kiss. or talk. or move.
we held each other. the street light
above us cast an eerie glow
and i remember thinking how *******
cliche it all was.
but i didn't care.
i remember thinking right then and there
how much i had really fallen in love with you.
i was thrilled but terrified.
for i knew from then on my rusty old heart
was yours.
the feel of your lips on my forehead
a cross between feathers and bubbles.
your hand enclosing mine, leading to your house.
and i smiled.
because i loved you.
and i love you so.

you slide in. you glide out.
you breathe me in. you breathe me out.
alcohol. merciless tango.
cotton candy haze
with a slight touch of skittles.
as this cloud enters me,
the fog playing a heart wrenching lullaby.
touch me. touch me.
bite my lips,
my eyes roll back.
hold me tighter,
watch me sail away.
run them fingers through my hair,
pull out daisies and butterflies.
touch me. touch me.
i'll explode.
another hit
i'm in the atmosphere
your skin tastes like salvation
and i want more. more.
your eyes. my sea.
my thundering sea.
i want to swim.
far.
far.
every color. like a painting.
fresh ink.
and i'm laughing.
i cannot breathe.
i cannot feel.
except for you and your body.
except for your love
spilled upon my canvas
seeping into my follicles
i am your work.
your piece of art.
and god, i'm ******* beautiful.

state street.
sunny day.
wind nowhere close to hair friendly.
loud conversations.
hustle and bustle.
and your hand.
simple grasped around mine.
so simple.
but so beautiful.
i know,
it's what couples are supposed to do.
hold hands.
but when i hold hands with you,
i feel like i'm on top of the world.
the way your fingers brush my palm
how their warmth travels all
the way down to my toes.
and i love how i search for it,
always knowing it's just waiting
to be found.
sometimes you let go, but only so
your hand can snake around my waist.
we stumble along.
not the most graceful.
but i smile as my arm wraps around you.
you squeeze and i squeeze back.
it's just like all of those
cheesy, romantic, ***** worthy movies
but only a million times better.

because it's all real.
in another life i would say
it was a dream.
but, as the sun went down
the oranges and pinks bleeding all over the clouds
the guitar strings strumming
the cry of barely sober men tripping into buildings
the tickle of the breeze as it caught my hair in
a never ending tango.

the moment your lips brushed upon mine,
i knew no dream could ever compare

a ball of light has gone right through me
and exploded.
so if i randomly start to shine
or sparkle, that is why.
it is now in my veins, causing my heart
to pound non stop.
my eyes shine brighter, for the ball of light
has given me a gift.
my skin twinkles in the sun,
and i breathe the cleanest air.
my kisses are cosmic,
causing planets to move
and starts to explode.
i feel my body glide.
no effort needed.
i am a fairy, frolicking
through the meadows.

my wings alert and ready to fly.

being alone, it isn't so bad.
at first, it is well...lonely.

that hole in your chest widens
and the pain is painted fresh
on your skin,
just like your tears.
you wrap your arms around yourself
since no one else is there to do it for you.
you question. you become angry.

but being alone, it isn't so bad.

you died to be in that party
squeezed, with no room to breathe.
you longed to have the alcohol
dance in your veins
with the eyes of a stranger burning
your skull.
but when you are really there,
the loneliness is overwhelming.
you are alone there, more alone
than one will ever be.
the bass is pounding inside you
but you can't hear a thing.
there are people all around
but the conversations are miles away.

being alone, it isn't so bad.

you have you, which is all you need.
with your thoughts,
your imagination,
your feelings.
you don't always need someone.
your soul is bright enough.
your heart is big enough.
when you are alone, smile
instead of scowl.

for it's not so bad.

put your lips to mine and
breathe my life back into
my rusty lungs.
run your tongue onto my
crackling skin and
see it twinkle and shine.
nibble on my lobes and
i'll be hearing sugary tunes
all day.
crack a smile and the
silhouette will be fingerprints
forever upon my skull.
plant a kiss along the collarbone
no gem could ever compare.
your ocean eyes
salt will be leaking from my pores
the titillating breeze will engulf me.
darling. my beautiful darling.
you are my song.
the sun leaking through the clouds on
that gloomy day.
you are the sweet surprise i never
expected.
the metled gooey chocolate
on a sizzling summer's day
opening the wrapper
licking you clean
with the smears on my
cheeks and chin
you bite the tip of
my smudged nose
and i laugh
and i see, i see
nothing else.