i have given everything.
the veins of my heart, perfectly lined beneath you.
my insecurities full in a box of metal.
the patchy scars presented as paintings, artifacts.
my quirkiness, scribbled and doodled on many pages.
my love.
that is the sky. the grass. the birds. the taste of air.
my love cannot be confined.
or defined.
it is everywhere. and everything.
darling, i only hope it's enough.

your hands are feathers
and their trails brand my skin.
your lips envelop me, and you
eat me whole.
your eyes are my freedom,
and i want to lose myself in them.
your skin is my playground,
and i always find something new.
fumbling in the dark, barely seeing,
but the sight of your outline
is enough to bring me to tears.
your breath caught in mine.
your skin tangled in mine.
pulling me into you, i have lost everything.
and you.
you.
are in my every crevice.
every pore.
every hair.
every scar.
every eyelash.
every muscle.
every vein.
and you dive deeper and deeper
until your sweat is my sweat.
your fingerprints are my fingerprints.
your desire is my desire.
you soak in my moans
and my shivers are your salvation.
your hand grasps
while your mouth is ablaze
the rhythm of your hips
the edges of your teeth
the scent of your ***
the maps on your skin
is my nighttime desire
every night, i want you. and me.
in the same bed.
rolling around, the sheet stuck to us
like paste.
and we. we are one.

patience, i thought i understood.
your heavy weight on my shoulders is supposed
to teach me a lesson.
your repeated whispers are supposed
to comfort me and calm me down.
but i am about ready to throw you out the window.
i have been with you patience,
since the day i was born.
you cradled me in your arms
raising me, teaching me.
when the yelling and beating started,
you would shield my eyes
playing a lullaby until i fell asleep.
when the boys came along,
you held my hand.
when the boys broke my heart,
you kissed the tears away.
patience, your lessons are complete *******.
patience, i wait for him night and day
with no word.
and what am i gaining from this?
ribs that are cracking
and a throat too tight to breathe.
i love him, patience, but what am i to do?
i squeeze you, hoping that your words
become true, that one day he will be here.
patience, i am ready to give up
this pain is too great
but patience, you know, don't you?
that i can't...not yet.

i thought afterward, we would grow closer
but instead i find myself pushing you further and further away
you are everything i despise because you are everything
i never want to be.
it was almost...easier
to just make it so obvious that i hated you.
now my cheeks sting and my vision is nothing
but red.
our fake life was close to believable.
maybe, in some ****** up, "perfect" world we could have been
normal.
brushed each other's hairs,
you would tell me about your college days,
i would gossip to you about my boyfriend,
i would show you my scars,
i would confess how i cheated and my other sins,
you take me out for my first drink when i turned 21,
and we would become like those perfect people
in those movies, where everything was forgiven.
and all it took to move on was a dramatic monologue
filled with enough tears to drown someone.
that never was life.
i put my fist in my mouth to stop the words
from flying out.
cruel and unforgiving, they would cut you upon contact.
i bite until i taste blood
and wonder if you ever will be happy.
i bite to feel the pain
instead of intense hatred for you
i bite so i will have a reason to cry
for we all know how you feel when you see my tears
the taste of iron forever stays on my tongue
and i look into your eyes
but there's nothing.

it was always the same.

sleeping next to you...
(how do i put it?)
is the meaning of absolute bliss.
like that taste of perfect lemonade
on a sizzling summer day.
in a state of semi-consciousness
turning, to find you next to me
with a simple sigh
i smile.
listen to your breathing
feel your chest slowly rise and fall.
i trace my fingers over your face
hoping they will be forever remembered.

if i could have one wish come true
i would wish to sleep next to you every night
with the sound of our silence
be my soundtrack.

sometimes, i forget what your face looks like.
i forget your eyes that change color. i forget the shape of your lips.
i forget the texture of your hair.
and i cannot breathe. my throat closes and the pain. the pain is indescribable.
i open my mouth, with some small hope air will find it's way in.
it lasts for at least five seconds. but in that time it seems an eternity.
i close my eyes, searching every corner of my mind.

your eyes. your eyes. your eyes.

and then it's there. your smile. your smooth golden
strands intertwined in my fingers.
your face that compares to nothing else.
and your eyes.
your eyes that are green
and then grey
and then sometimes blueish grey
and how they so much remind me of a storm breaking upon a sea.
i can breathe.
except, i keep my eyes closed a little longer.
because, i want to see you.

every second i miss you.
it's become so bad, i start to ache.
it's an illness, and the only cure is your lips.
your voice will suffice for now, but i need
to trace my fingertips upon your face
remember all the familiar creases.
your body, i need it absorbed into mine.
i can't feel anything without you.
your heartbeat is my lullaby
falling asleep takes too long.
digging my nails into my arm
hoping to have a spark
but nothing compares to your hand grasped
around my hand.
the bruises on my legs
are nothing to the bruises that are from
your savage love.
nothing. nothing. nothing.
it's all nothing without you.
with you, it's everything.