oh, i wish i could hold you tight
in my fingers
squeeze until you begged for mercy
can i loop a leash
around your infinite space?
you are my dog now
you must obey

stop, please? slow down
can't you see the beauty around?
i pant, trying to keep up
i wipe the beads of sweat
from my forehead

infinite space

do you see? everything's floating

you continue. you continue.
no glances, no second thoughts

you could care less

my eyes, wide with fear
old age, blink, all of it's gone
moments. memories.

i thought i had you tight
you're responsible for this

your infinite space scares me
there's no control
there's no definition

infinite. infinite. infinite.

you never realized
you were blind. so ******* blind.
i defended you, caught bullets for you, graveled at your feet for you.
thinking everything was my fault
all for you.

you smiled.
                                          one smile.
and gone.
    all i see now is your ghost
everywhere.
your ghost haunts me; making faces and telling me over and over
"you fool. you fool"

i wish i was face to face with you

so i could throw my emotions at you
i would gather them up in one big bundle
and shove them in your face
you would suffocate. you would cry.
you would suffer.
like i had been for so long
i would ask you,
"how does it feel?"
but you wouldn't be able to respond
for the pain would be too great
then, then
finally,

i would breathe.
the baggage will be gone, and i will run
i will laugh at you
laugh until tears leak from my eyes
laugh until my ribs break


if you weren't such a ******* coward,
i would have won.
instead you hide behind
your lies, fake confidence
you're cracking
but i know you won't admit
i'm the only.
the only one who sees

look me in the eye.
admit it
admit you threw me away
admit you never cared
admit that this all meant nothing
and admit...
admit you can't do it.






your ghost is here
with no intention of leaving

there are so many things i enjoy.
especially when i'm with you

the sunshine through the shades of you room,
seem to explode. i could hold them
in my fingers if i tried

do you see the rainbows
bathing my skin, making me
sparkle?

do i look like a kaleidoscope?

i'm a mermaid, a goddess, a nymph

i'm out of this world.

when i touch you, i see the sparks
illuminating the night sky
outside, it's snowing. it's disgusting.
here. in here.
i can taste the sweat. salty. so sweet.

my tongue dances in between my lips,
waiting to escape
i can't control myself
so, please excuse me.

for my actions might be too forward

                        i want to sink into you.
i want to bite until i taste the red
i want to claw until there's no way of letting go
i want to kiss until i can't feel my lips
i want you to love me until i break

because.because.because.
i have never wanted so bad

the world will end tomorrow
because of the supernovas we're creating

tonight.

that's all we have

my dream last night painted a clear picture

i was sitting in the theatre, next to
a friend. i was excited, because
my friends were on stage, performing
and you were there.

behind me.

i felt your eyes bore into me
searching every strand of hair
and lurking behind every patch of
skin.

annoyance filled my veins
and then your hands were on me
roaming my back
your breath heavy in my ear

my eyes closed. it felt so good
yet, my skin was crawling.
your thumbs kneaded into my skin
and your fingers traced every muscle

i was sweating.

wondering if this would end

you tugged my hair, twirling
strands




and then i left.
i didn't look at you. i couldn't.
i ran. out of the theatre.
out of the building.
i ran until i collapsed.


i ran until i forgot

no one is perfect. we all make mistakes.
are you one of them?

relationships are messy
(all of them)

friends, parents, teachers
lovers

emotions, tears, pain.
but, here's the thing...
i feel myself becoming attached
like elmer's glue on construction paper
messy and sticky
and with one touch, it's hard to
clean off

i try to imagine
hooking up, sleeping around, being with
someone else...
and i all i feel is...
"eh"

but i swallow it.

and i feel it all the way in my
stomach. gurgling. threatening.
to find it's way back up
i fake it

i like you.


but not that much

we were never friends.
we were leeches. *******.
feeding
the life from each other

exhaustion
that's all i ever felt afterward
you would speak to me

how did i not notice?
the smoke, like snakes, swirling
around you?
your eyes suddenly narrow, red?

how? how? how?

did i not notice
the knife hidden behind
your back?

oh, i saw the knife finally
but only.

only

when it was wedged deep in me
and my own blood

surrounded me

what a stupid game we played.
no straight answers.
headaches.
late nights.

waste. waste. waste.

i bet you enjoyed yourself.

yes, we were leeches
but you were the fatest one
******* every drop i had
until i was dry. dry. dry.

with your lovely eyes
and smile. you'd
convince me.

why was i blind?



i'm free now, did you know?
i sleep. i eat.

i live.

and without you
life has never been better

i always believed i was someone different.

someone who actually knew. the snowflakes
fall into my eyes
for a moment, i'm blinded.

i thought i knew the roads. the tricks.
the questions. the barriers.

i'm crumbling, still. i'm weak.

did i never grow strong?

i thought i knew.

knew that pain was inevitable.

i thought i knew.

you're not always the first choice.

i thought i knew.

you don't get what you want.

so if i throw my hands up and scream
who would even listen? i'm trapped in
an unknown element
uncomfortable and i feel hands on me
i'm trying to protect myself
because i thought i knew
everything that already needed to
be known.

the snow twirls around me
and i realize.
this snow is new.
wild. raging.
i know nothing. i'm naive.
it blows until i fall.

i'm stupid. snowflakes are unique.

i'm a girl who knows absolutely
nothing.

except.

that this snow will keep falling.