what happened to you?

i keep asking myself everyday


once, you were my sunshine.
your warmth enveloped me. your smile
was alive.

i don't see sun anymore.

gray clouds. thunderstorms lurking




i have tried everything.
to bring that light back.
i provided nutrition
i spoke with hopeful words
and i held my palms toward you


you ran away.
with the sun in your hands.



what have i done?
where is my sunshine?


you have hid it, far away.
i can never find it again.
now, you merely radiate cold.

i shiver.






where is my sunshine?

i wanted to dissolve with you.
through the blankets. the sheets.
the mattress. the floor boards.
the ground.

until we were at the center of the universe

i'm not perfect. well, actually
no one is.
faces with the clearest skin
bodies without an inch of flaw

i swallow to keep the hatred down

i'm not perfect

my stomach is
not flat
and yes, i
have acne. but that means
i'm human

i'm not perfect

pressure. pressure. pressure.

look at her
watch how she drifts
i bite my lip
and all i taste is steel
i don't always shave
and i don't
always bother with the brush

i'm not perfect

anyone who tells you they are
have lies dripping from their lips

burn those ******* magazines
turn off the useless screen

real women
are beautiful. are pure. are chubby. are hairy. are weird. are sweet.

are full of imperfections.

i'm not perfect

She clung on to the past
Wrapped her arms around it
Pressed against her heart
Old memories stuck on her
Like a virus
Never wanting to heal
She was trapped,
Stuck with nowhere to go
She’s been crying
For so long
Waiting for a miracle
But she woke up today
And saw the sunlight
Creeping in through her shades
She opened them
And was greeted with such brightness
It was so warm
It was so perfect
The light danced upon her skin
And she smiled
And thought
‘Today is beautiful’
She opened her arms
And welcomed the new day
The new time
The new life
She feels a little frightened
But has never felt more ready
It’s time to start fresh
New
Letting go
And reaching out
Everyday is beautiful
And she's gonna let the beauty shine

there is a rock
that sits outside my door
day by day.
it's there, with no intention of moving.
with my arms, i push
with my legs, i kick
it laughs at my pitiful attempts
telling me it's useless
covered in sweat and dirt
i cry. why won't you budge?
and then i realize
it's a woman. trapped in stone.
i want to help. let me break through.
her laughing rings in my ears.
no chance. no way.
you'll be trapped.
i can feel the grime
seeping into my pores.
there is nothing i can do.
i push. push. push.
my arms have turned to jelly
one last kick and i hear a snap
the pain consumes me and my face
hits the dirt

this is where she wanted me all along.
i wanted to help you.
i wanted to set you free.

you wanted me at your feet.
you wanted me to suffer.

i crawl to her.
with one last effort, my arms find the
middle. i give a squeeze
and hope that it'll be enough

i've snapped. and the pieces are breaking off

the emptiness comes again. from nowhere.
from everywhere. it is there, in the broad
daylight. it is there, lurking in the shadows.
it follows me.
most of the time, the emptiness is full.
like a meal, stuffing to the brim.
a glass with overflowing water.
most of the time, things are fine.
then, there is hunger. the glass
shatters on the floor and i am
devoured.
the pain from inside ebbs
away. and every time it visits, it
takes one little piece away.
a memory, a feeling, a dream.
but then the fullness returns.
the happiness. the content.
i see it though
for it is always there. waiting
for me. until i am weak
until all my energy is gone.
it rests on my shoulder, asking
me questions i will never
answer

it haunts me

i must be such a fool

to think you had changed an inch.

i must have pulled out the razor
again
and slowly dragged it against
my skin

because i must be a fool
i come back over and over

this silly ferris wheel needs to stop
because when i see you.
you're the same
your eyes trick me. but what else is
new?

your words seem comforting.
but then you push me away.
and i'm once again on the ferris
wheel

round and round. your face appears
in fragments.

i swear i'm going crazy
you promise me
but it's only filled with
emptiness

and unless the buzzing sensation takes
over

i mean nothing to you.

i was never the one with problems
but i created all of yours

you're my pain. you're my nightmare.
you're my revenge.

you're my greatest fear