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ambedo Dec 2019
10
I am a fighter
I was born with the strength of a lion
And the fragility of a flower
I resemble a rose
Soft and beautiful
But needs a thorny exterior to protect itself
I am soft and beautiful
But I need a thorny exterior to protect myself
My heart can be naive sometimes
Fall for the wrong ones
Let the dangerous ones in
And offer them a home
By my rib cage still offers protection
My own bones
Myself
Being the only form of protection that is sure
To never let me down
I am the only form of protection
For myself
That is sure to never fail
I am a fighter
I was not born like the lion
I am the lion
I was not born like a flower
I am the flower
Though I may be fragile
I still have a roar
These words are my war cry
When people take my naive heart
And use it
And abuse it
I roar
When you pick my petals from my stem
And watch them flutter and dance to the ground
I will ***** you with a thorn
I have been picked more times than I can count
Used for personal gain and pleasure
Stripped of my beauty
Then discarded
But just because I allow it in that one moment
Does not mean I will forever
People forget
I am a fighter
They see the scars on my wrists
And see them as a sign of weakness
But for me
I see them as a sign of growth
Each line drawings a map of my life
The roads I have taken
The choices I have made
That led me down each path I have taken
Everything that had happened
To put me in the place I am in
To make me the person I am today
I see those scars
As a sign of strength
At a time when I wanted to
Give up
At a time when I was so close to
Letting go
I had the strength
To persevere
Struggle through the pain
And push through
And while it wasn't healthy
It was the choice I made
That choice made me grow
That scar shows my strength
Shows me that while my petals
Were being plucked
I still had the lion
The roar
Inside me
I am a fighter
ambedo Dec 2019
9
You came over
It had been a while
I expected the usual
We’d sit there together
On my bed
Silent at the start
You’d slowly and gradually come closer
More contact
The anticipation
Until eventually
My lips would be wrapped around
Every time we are together it goes the same way
So I expected the same way
But this time
It wasn’t
It was different
You were different
I saw a different side of you
One I'd never seen before
A side that seemed
Vulnerable
The night started the same as always
We sat on my bed
Like always
You chose what to watch on the T.V.
Like always
And we made conversation
Like always
Eventually you put your arm around me
A feeling I hadn't felt in over two months
A feeling I missed
And I waited
And waited
Waited for you to make a move
For you to sit me on your lap
Or for your hand to touch me
But
It didn’t
Instead
Your hand
Slipped into mine
Our fingers laced together
It felt as though
They fit perfectly
That one puzzle piece i had finally found
In the most unlikely of places
But was the one to complete the picture
Eventually you moved your hand
And wrapped your arms around me
Holding me
And you rested your head on my chest
I shallowed my breath
Nearly suffocating myself
In an effort to not disturb your peace
Your hair tickled my face
I felt your grasp tighten around me
And you pulled me closer to you
You moved to rest your head on my stomach
The moment was so pure
You holding me
Arms wrapped so tightly around my frame
I felt safe
I felt secure
My arm draped across your back as you laid by my side
The blanket shaped so perfectly around your figure
Curled next to me
You looked so
Peaceful
You moved again and sat up
Next to me
One arm around torso still holding me
I felt your hand reach for mine again
The security you gave me
The safety I felt
It was as if
I had never been hurt before
You wouldn’t let me go for the rest of the night
You eventually moved me to your lap
And I felt your arms hold me
Fingers trace
my arms
My sides
My stomach
But never did they reach to grab
My chest
My lower half
Nothing you usually go for
There was a touch here or there
But it didn’t feel
Hungry
Like it usually does
You swayed me
Slow and slight
A wave of relaxation rushing over me
I felt your fingers move down my arms
Reaching for my hands
Our digits danced together
But you stopped
You said you didn’t know what you were doing
As if everything you had been doing
Was wrong
Earlier that night you had thanked me
Thanked me for being okay with this
As if I shouldn’t have been
Sometimes I feel you forget
That I am here too
You forget that if I didn’t want to do something I wouldn’t
I was not just okay with it
I enjoyed it
I am glad you did it
Because I am too much of a coward to do it myself
Too scared that I will make the wrong move
Reach for you too soon
Reach for you too late
Later that night the T.V. stopped working
We resorted to Youtube videos on your phone
I was still on your lap so you rested the video on my chest
And we watched
Sudden laughter filling the room
Feeling you laugh
Feeling every breath you took
I felt close to you
I felt your hand caress my hair
Light
Soft
And we stayed there
It was late
Almost eleven at night
After one final video you said you had to go
But you wanted a clementine before you left
So we went to my kitchen
I got you your clementine
And I assumed you were going to leave
But you didn't
You looked around
Observed
Looked at the photos on my fridge
It was silent
I was standing in the corner
You walked behind me and put your hands on my shoulders
We exchanged words
I placed my hands on yours
Scared that I was making the wrong choice
But you didn't move
Instead I felt your hands move down to my waist again
I felt you wrap around me
Pull me closer to you
I placed my hands on yours
And we swayed
Silence filled the room
All you could hear was the thump of my heart racing
You rested your head on my shoulder
And we stayed there
Swaying
Holding
Eventually your grip loosened
But you didn't let me go
Your hand always remained on my shoulder
I turned around to face you
Hands on each others shoulders
Looking at each other
I was scared to make eye contact
You reached down to hug me
Something you never do
I have seen when people hug you
You do not reciprocate
Instead you leave your arms at your side
Allow yourself to be squeezed but do not move
But now
You hold me
You hug me
I feel your head rest on my shoulder
And your arms wrap around me
So I reciprocate
I feel safe again
Secure
And we remain there
Long
Longer than most hugs often do
You made one touch to my lower half before leaving
But again it did not feel
Hungry
Like it usually does
You finally let me go
And I walked you out
That night you remained on my mind
I questioned every move you made
Every word you said
Every action you did
I didn't know what to think
I didn't know what to feel
I still currently am lost as to why
All I know is
That night
You held on to me with a losing grasp like everything else you have tried to keep you have lost
You held onto me like you were going to lose me too
You wouldn't let me go
ambedo Dec 2019
8
I don't know
If it's love
But I can't deny the fact
That when you hold me
I feel
Safe
ambedo Dec 2019
7
I noticed a scar on your knee
a small white little line marking your kneecap
scars are not anything new
everyone has them
little marks of history
but everyone's scar is unique to them
little marks of their history
I saw your scar
I little mark of your history
a little piece of your past
I felt an overwhelming urge to ask
I wanted to know
To know you
your past
past events
past choices
past mistakes
past errors
your scar is a little bit of you
a tiny story etched in your skin
and I want to know how you got that scar
I want to know your story
I want to know your life
I want to know you
ambedo Dec 2019
6
Your eyes always seem to glow
golden brown
like iced tea
or honey
or tree sap
or the autumn leaves that flutter and fly in the air
or anything else beautiful the world has to offer
You are one of the most beautiful things the world has to offer
ambedo Dec 2019
5
Recently you’ve felt so
Far away
Like the closest things I have to you are
The pictures
The videos
The messages
The memories
I don’t want just your phantom touches
Or the ghost of you
I want to real you
The true you
I miss seeing your texts pop up asking if you could come over
I miss hearing your knocking at my door
I miss feeling your arm wrap around me
Pulling me closer to you
I miss laying on your chest
Hearing your heartbeat
I miss feeling your hand in mine
I miss how our fingers would lace so perfectly together
I miss the feeling of wrapping our legs around each other
I miss the feeling of your frame next to mine
I miss your warmth
I miss how your scent filled my room
How it stuck to my sheets
My blanket
My pillow
Hours after you left
I miss how you said you would say you had to leave
But would end up staying hours later
I miss how you’d play with my hair to calm me down
Or comfort me
Or help me fall asleep
I miss how whenever I got nervous and started shaking
You would lay by me
And hold my hand
I miss having to sneak you out
I miss watching you leave through my window
Just to make sure you got home okay
I miss the texts we send right after you left
Just talking about the night
How we were just talking a couple of minutes ago
But still text
I miss how you made me feel so secure
So safe
I miss how simple it was
How pure it was
I miss everything we had
Everything we would do together
I miss you
ambedo Aug 2019
4
Why must people always crave
What they cant have
Why must we long
For a fantasy
Why must we reach
For the insane
Why must we wish
For the impossible

-I’ll never be able to have you
But I still want you
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