4 AM is the only hour
when I will ever allow myself the luxury
of crying for you. This reservoir of brine
I have dried into desertland painstakingly, siphoning
the smallest tears from their ducts,
has suddenly sprung up again, surprising
overwhelming everything-

I lost you purposefully,
dropping shreds of you on
every step I took
back for myself as
I walked away. First, the songs
you sang in the shower,
testing your lungs, dissipated
like the faint sheen of water
adorned you upon emerging,
a full-body halo. Next,
the songs you would hum to me
quietly, when I couldn't sleep, ends
trailing off as I surrendered to slumber-
I let their unravelings reach
the middles, now, until they fell from me,
the trappings of a life gone, threads
moths of forgetfulness gnawed
from around me, until I stepped
out of what was once
my only covering, protection,
and walked away. Finally,
I tried to reclaim the songs we
had shared, the songs I had loved
and you had loved me
with, the ones you had quoted
to try and convince me how true
how faithful you would be, the melody
I could always return to, the melody
I could always rely on.
I failed. They will always
remain yours.
I lost you purposefully, and with you
went bits of myself.

Don't belittle your pain.
Don't bottle it up
Unseen
Unless small parts shove
           themselves out
Like a collection of knives
Inside a (breathing, living)
           carcass.
When the knife
Breaks through
With its harsh, sharp gleam,
Don't push it back in
Deeper
Or say it's nothing
(with a pain(t)ed smile).
I see the stains
of denied blood
Against the shine
of cold steel.
And if you say
it's nothing
How can I fix you?

You were my sweetest downfall-
I loved you most
I loved you more
than I ever should have.
The taste of you;
honey-sweet in my mouth
heady on my tongue
left me giddy and floating.
And when my senses returned
to be only my own,
the absence of you
which I had known, intimately, and forgotten
was suddenly bitter, though tinged-
the saccharine aftertaste
of a sweetness lost.
And now you try, but you
cannot part my lips
the way I thirsted for
everything you were- for
you are different, love, your sweetness
is now contaminated, though
you are here, you taste bitter,
the taste of your absence and my tears.
I lay myself before you, before
everything you were, before
you arose and walked away, before
my walls rose to protect me.
I tried to bring them down, before
I realized I now have need of them.
You were my sweetest downfall-
I loved you most, and now
I have to go.
I have to go.