Amanda Victoria

Amanda Victoria Dec 2014

She burned through a crowd
With a wave so deep
It was hard to see clearly.
If only she knew how hard it was to breathe
She filled my lungs with longing
As sure as the moon will rise to meet the night
My eyes were captured fireflies
Cold lights
Not strong enough to emit a warning
My sailing heart would crash a thousand times at her shore
And as long as the rain keeps falling
so will I

Amanda Victoria Sep 2014

The closer I get to 22

422
The number of days it's been
since we've had a real conversation.
Even though there wasn't much talking.
6
The number of days since I last texted you
after losing count of the one dollar beers
downed effortlessly.
2796
The miles of distance it has taken
to get you out of my system.
You're almost gone.
Unknown
The number of times I've sworn you off.
Affirmation that "I'm fine" has reached
an endless count.
1
The number of people it took
to change my heart for good.
You were a rose whose thorns left
no mercy.
422*
The number of days it took
for me to realize I've had enough,
that you will always forget,
and that maybe I should, too.

Amanda Victoria Mar 2014

For Tom.

Your car smelled like the cigarettes you smoke at 3am
Wondering how the hell you even got here
Or why it even matters
Your car smelled like a paradox
And before you rolled your windows down
I took in one last breath
It felt like home

But then it got cold and you lit up
Thinking it would take your mind off things
and it hit me
That smokey smell
The one that shortens your breaths
I felt sick
Sick knowing they're the only thing you have
They are your home
And I'm sorry.

Amanda Victoria Feb 2014

Where's my serenity.

I haven't figured out what's worse
Being in a room full of people
People I've known my whole life
People i love with all that I can give,
and feel like another brick in the wall
Watching
Isolated
Feeling out of my body
Floating further and further away

Or
Being alone in my room
Not knowing whether i want to
Punch a wall
Cry uncontrollably
Go for a run
Run away
Scream
I'm held captive

I haven't figured out which is worse
Because in either place
I'm still facing my anxiety
Alone.

Amanda Victoria Jan 2014

Rest in peace, Mr. M

two years today
she's still holding on
still pushing.
yeah, she slips
but I have never known her to not get right back up

and two years ago
you got back up
and you stood so strong
I don't know what its like to lose a father,
I was so worried, so scared.

two whole years
and I can picture it like yesterday
the irony of it all.
that day I said "isn't it weird that we will probably never remember today?"
I will never forget.
and I will never stop holding you up
and I will always be a step behind to catch you when you fall
I love you d.

Amanda Victoria Jan 2014

You Know Exactly What You're Doing.

You once said "you're a slow kisser"
Followed by you making a move and throwing in "remember to kiss faster this time."
Knowing you was a constant battle.
With your double edged swords,
You came flying through with sweet words. Piercing any doubts I had of myself.
And then slashing any confidence I built up on your way out.
You changed the way I viewed people.
I questioned everything, everyone.
Every line spewed from a mouth.
Endless time has gone by and I finally caught my footing.
But once again sweeping me off my feet and
Only to return to the mercy of that sword.
Last night you said :
"I'm in love with her. I really am. I love her. She kisses slowly. Every time I kiss her, I think of you. I don't know where I'd be without her."
That one,
slashed right through my heart.

Amanda Victoria Jan 2014

November

This isn't a testimony of love,
Or a confession of feelings.
Because the love I have for you
Is the same the tides hold with the moon.
I'll push and pull however you need me to.
Whatever it takes for you to be happy.
But you looked at me as you longed for the sun,
And I could see her reflection in your eyes.
I could feel you praying for her warmth, aching for her glow.
If the moon could cry,
I would create new oceans.
I'm sorry I can't be her.
I can't be your sun.

This isn't a testimony of love,
Or a confession of feelings.
Because my love for you is the same the leaves hold with the seasons.
You shower me and I play in your light.
Each day gets brighter and our time feels eternal.
But then, slowly,
You fade.
Things change and I hold on for dear life.
I don't want to lose you.
Your cold.
And you've found someone new.
I know you'll be back.
You always come back.
I can't wait forever for rain.
I can't keep falling.

This isn't a testimony of love.
Or a confession of feelings.
Because loving you is the same as rereading my favorite book.
I still get lost in the pages,
But I at least now know where it ends.