I have seen you once in 365 days.
we rarely speak,
but I would be lying if I said I haven't thought of you.
or gone back three years and set up camp in my mind.
retracing our very being
I can hear us laughing,
see us crying.
I can feel those nights spent in silence
just me crying.
the frustration, anger
helpless, anxiety
because of how much you meant to me
but not I to you.
did I ever?
I don't think I will ever know.
and for how it all changed
too quickly for me to grab hold.
I spiraled
down.
and I hit hard.
but I still see your smile
and I still feel mine.
and if we never meet again
just know that I may not ever love you
but I always will.

Jagged edges , sharp turns
and screeching halts.
what a build up.
impatient for the explosion,
yet trudging on.
waiting.
hoping for that silver lining,
a moment to breathe
gone too soon
heaving, grasping, panting.
more turns, and sharper edges.
like a lead foot on an open road
faster, faster
too fast
losing control
trying to find something to hold on to.
someone.
but nothing,
no one.
you scream
louder, harder
tears pouring.
hands clenched
heart pounding.
there's no stopping.
you let it take over.
faster, faster.
you can see it.
too fast.
the end of the..

I wish you knew what lies behind these eyes
what sort of hidden meaning they behold
what they are trying to convey
how they scream at you to hear them
but know you will never listen
asking to break down the walls
and fight away the fear
to bring me close with
every intention of holding on forever
more so often these eyes
are of a questioning matter
and with questions come unwanted answers
or none at all
the thing that kills is
not knowing which is worse
these eyes fear rejection but much more
the unknown
because they do not know and are completely scared
that what lies behind these eyes is not
what lies behind yours.

A jar of green, glass
transparent and strong.
on a bookshelf neglected.
tiny strips of writing cover the bottom.
one by one they spill out of the mouth.
these little messages in a bottle
tell of a girl
little notes that tell of a life still living:

i want to be skinny.

singing makes me happy.

if only I could write forever.

sleep.

i finally know what I want to do.

just breathe.

elephant's never forget.

i never forget.

i loved you so much.

*i miss you.

With twist and turns and crumbled sheets
I lay awake to only hear you speak.
that sweet sound that makes me fly,
the same that made my stomach knot
when you whispered goodbye.
and I long and pray for just one word
and send tiny notes on carrier birds.
to travel distances strange and far
to reach your window pane
somewhere, wherever you are.
and if that pane is frosted white
when these spilled out thoughts
have reached your hand
a year has passed, darling.
believe it or not,
always and forever,
where you left,
I still stand.

I could tell you everything
and it would be okay.
No worries, no regrets.
there wouldn't be that creeping awkwardness
that makes us shy.
we could sit next to each other
and not feel guilty of our roaming thoughts.
Or hands.
and it would feel like only you and me.
a tremendously textbook loneliness
that was flawless.
It would rain, lightning would light up the sky,
thunder would tremble our hearts.
and when all is done, there'd be no need for words.
Because you would just know.
if only

You broke me bad and I knew you would.
Yet, I still fell harder and harder for you.
Now I only feel my back against my bed,
and all I see are twinkling lights above my head.
Thank God for the rain and its company, sound.
But sad. Each drop is doomed as it heads for the ground.
And like these drops, I too was in free fall.
Until you became the earth and ended it all.