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Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
sad
not depressed
just sad
i can admire
the beautiful things
i can smile
and feel happy
but when i'm alone
i feel
incredibly
and abnormally
alone
the worst is when
i'm with people
yet i still feel
so alone
i cry at night
after the day is done
when the sun
goes down
when the stars
are shown
i can't help it
i'm not depressed
just sad
maybe not lonely
just alone
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
3:06 in the morning
i woke up
unable to catch my breath
i could hear my heart
pounding through my chest
it was just a dream
so why wouldn't
my heart stop racing
why did it feel
like i was being chased
like there was no end
to this race
i don't remember starting one
i heard the beating of my heart
it was running a mile a minute
i tried to make it stop
but my heart wouldn't quit
deep breaths
slow
deep breaths
still racing
still uncontrollable
maybe still horrified
but of what
i couldn't recall
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
it's hard
to hold on
and it's getting harder
i'm not sure
if i can hold on
much longer
sometimes
i wish
i was stronger
but all i can do
is hang on
and fight
a little harder
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
i looked at her for a while
she isn't the same person
i knew a year ago
wears a little more makeup
lost too much weight
dresses to impress
stays up extra late
talking to her lover
depriving herself of sleep
scared of closing her eyes
scared of nightmares too deep
doesn't have as many friends
though it may appear she has more
a different person inside than out
constantly fighting an internal war
after staring at her and thinking
about who she was
and who she is now
i walked away from the mirror
and put the pills down
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
started off with a pen and a pad
thought it would just be a fad
scribbling down my thoughts
writing is where i get lost

started off with some ideas
thought they would eventually end
scribbling down my feelings
writing became my new trend

started off a beginner
thought i would be a quitter
scribbling my thoughts of depression
writing soon became my obsession
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
have you ever thought
about how you could just end it all
all of the stress
the pain
the grief
the misery
have you ever thought of how
how you could end it all
with the least amount of pain
the least amount of suffering
just pop a few extra pills
let them take over your body
without you even noticing
until all of a sudden
your legs go limp
and your vision goes dark
and you get dizzy
and suddenly
you're too weak to stand
and you're lying on the floor
unable to move
your organs shut down
and you hear yelling from across the house
someone yelling to stop
all you hear is the sound of feet
hitting the floor at a hard
rapid pace
getting louder and louder
then you hear a high pitched sound and it doesn't stop
it keeps going
like a heart monitor
after a heart stops
but it's too late
too late to stop
too late to turn back
too late to change your mind
and suddenly
everything goes black
it's all over
after all,
this is what you wanted right?
Amanda Niemann Dec 2016
the constant daily reminder
of what i have to live for
your face
the only thing that keeps me here
it's a curse.
when i think
there is nothing left to live for
that there is nothing left i love
your face burns in my mind
it drives me insane
when all i want is to be nothing
you refuse to leave my brain
you stay there
until i decide i too should stay
you make me want to live
to see another day
and for that i am grateful
yet filled with hate
little do you know
you're saving me
yet keeping me
in the world
i was trying to escape
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