"If you find someone who turns your pain into poetry, don't let them go."

We sat under some stars the other night,
Shared a smoke and some ****** wine
You played me original melodies,
Those of which I felt were about me
Me, myself and the sick things I've inflicted on such a lovely broken heart

I can honestly say I've never wanted someone in this way
I can honestly say I've never felt this type of burning sensation when someone leaves my way

You're the most comfortable thing I've ever found, the most terrifying
I can look at you and know your heart is an ocean cove just like mine
The pull will never cease

I often have a reoccurring dream,
You're this hideous sea creature with deep eyes that gleam
The woman I was with thought you were trying to drown our boat in the crazy cove we were in
Your look tore me at the seams, I pushed her off and we walked on land as one.

I don't ******* know.

A broken past molds us into what we call our present mask
and all that lingers and basks,
either feeding positive tasks or manifesting a present past
(It makes no sense, don't ask)

Attraction is distraction
Unsolvable fractions
Needing emotional extraction

Mind dribble dance
Lost in a trance, never had a chance
So used to subliminally bursting
Not used to someone witnessing me recoloring

I curl inside
I wish to hide
I crave apathy
I refuse apathy
I boycott spoon-fed darkness
But sometimes it swallows you whole
I understand the anger of an earth angel
I understand the haunting isolation when you realize you're the last of your kind

When life meets despair, inhale that coastline air
It's better to painfully breathe than apathetically impair

~ the calm after a heart wave crashes ~

My poetry blog, she keeps me warm
Souls in unison, leaking in within the same polarization
Blooming as they step out of the role of sheeple
They feel all that's subjectively real
Persevering through the heart and silly irrational fears

I don't know what I am right now

And there's beauty braided through today
Can't deal, never been too good with feels

Last night I had dreams of earthquakes
It was raining, the planet went up in smoke like a cupcake
I was rollerblading, then I was skating
I was alone but I was free
I felt that contradictory cord that bonds you with me
Chaos all around me, life was so pretty

It showed me so much of me and how scared you are to be free
Then it displayed how that's a terrifying reflection of me
Is this simply nonfiction within what I subjectively see?

~ BREATHE ~

Never the luxury of a dull ache
If I felt it was safe know that I would
Heart strings displaced, never displayed
Never the luxury of a dull ache

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."

Human psyche
**** spurs inside of me
Why must you try me, hide from me
Yet parts of you still fly inside of me
Can't quite shake you
Not sure if I want to
Not sure if I know how to
All I know is right now there's a fae inside telling lie,
Telling me you're relevant
Telling me you're dying inside too without me

You torment me
Is this your reflection, sadistic satisfaction or contradictory affection?
Still can't shake you

Early bird gets the worm
I want to make you squirm

No mental capacity to see anything outside of you and I
how did you learn to hold me without knowing me?
Nothing physical, something transcendental yet so far from tangible

Test me
Undress me
Impress me
Digress relevance, find me
No, I can't let you have all of me

I want you to chase me, never displace me, die breathless without me
What do I want more? Your attention or affection?

Amazing flow, where'd you go?
One day someone will appreciate me and all that I think I know
Hopefully the same day I find the courage to truly display me

Let it go let it shake
earth quake founded over imaginary hate

I'm still near
you're living in fear
you push, I pull, we mirror
you wear a face like I can't see beyond it
I'll stand here all day if there's something willing to give
I can't dig through asphalt,
not sure if I can handle the quick sand underneath
Scrapes and wounds as I swirl down into your spell

I just want to breathe again
I just want the undeniable to shift to what once was deniable

Your grammar *****.
Your heart is ******.
You all too often duck,
Away from me.

I feel like I’m reading too much into this.
I really don’t think I can take it,
Falling in and out of you so frequently.

I really don't think you give a ****.
Something about your gaze tells me to keep calm,
That it'll all pay off.
Where’s the reflection of that?

I don't wanna feel this right now.
A stone cold face while I watch my heart race.

Watching potential take flight into nothingness, it scares me.
We only get one chance within this dance.

I'm not demanding to intertwine,
I just want to have that vine between hearts.
One with a platonic start.

We all so often flee and kid ourselves into thinking we’re free
What would happen,
If you and me
Were to just be?
Wipe the slate clean and just BE.
My own issues don't entertain that possibility,
My self fulfilling prophecy tells me you think you're too good for me.

I’m so tempted to display a humble plea,
I feel like if I did so I would be loosing parts of me.
That may be pride speaking to a certain degree.
Once again, it's that self fulfilling prophecy.

I wish it weren't so,
Oh, I wish it weren't so.

If only I could put into words all the aspects of myself this is stirring.
It's like I'm watching a fast clipped movie containing
all the scenarios over the years that have brought my psyche to this conclusion.
No matter what I do or what perspective I view from we still end up stuck staring at this block.
I don't know how to get out of this.

Have I made an *** out of myself yet?
* scurries under a metaphorical rock *

I guess I'm done?
You won.

The intensity behind your eyes when you gaze elsewhere
I feel like my being is a location right now
What the **** is a human psyche at this point?
It's been too long, it's been way too long
It's all happening right now
Am I contradiction yet?

You know, it's pretty disgusting,
the amounts of you that dribble across my blog
It's been so long, it's been much too long angel
Swallow your pride,
Swallow the burn,
Walk on
His pretty broken heart,
It's no longer yours

He always had the intensity I craved
Now he's gone,
beaming what's behind those broken chocolate eyes
into someone else
One willing to match it at present time

I don't want you,
but I suppose I regret not having you
in your full dose
We were
so
*******
close

Psychobabble in progress. Waiting for the flow......

Slow and steady but I feel like a hurricane.
In order to express I have to dig,
so much under my walls with such itty-bitty living space.
I catch my subconscious thinking inspiration is a race.
Though, that frame of mind is hard to avoid in such a place.
And ostentatious race, needing metaphorical mace.
So many wolves, it's hard to know what's looking for love and what's looking to feed.

I don't understand the part of me that gets so completely chaotic whenever I try to let someone in. I tell myself it's because there's no new found security in our relationship yet but part of me knows it'll still be there once we get past it (this time I really feel like we will). I don't want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's an indescribable feeling of chaos, it's beautiful, but it's still chaos. I beat myself up for acting so clammy. So much warmth under an ice cold exterior. It's so frustrating, there's walls not even I can penetrate sometimes. My own scar tissue has a lot more control over me than I thought. I'm almost there, I'm ready for it. There's just something about not having a firm foundation to stand on quite yet that kind of makes me feel like a fish out of water at times.Today I'm fluctuating between feeling beautiful and like totally chaos. I just hope he's patient when dealing with such delicate merchandise.

I have a tendency to forget that others are just as vulnerable as myself.

How poetically I write your name,
How strange reality becomes as the wind whispers the same.
I never thought I'd genuinely be fooled by something so obviously deranged
until the day arrived and I slowly watched you slip out of frame.
Heart slain, once again, in vain.

All you leave me with is my reflection,
reminding me that you
don't
feel
the same.

(I wonder how deep she goes)

PS- you stole my zippo, *****.

Boom n' zoom
Retrograde and a full moon

It's not loosing you that has me hurting,
it's the subconscious fears within me
that your thoughtless and immoral actions are spurring

It's like you're consciously feeding into them,
stinging them, driving an ice pick through them,
bringing to surface once again.
Yet it'll never be within me to draw a sword and sting back,
or attempt to strike a chord within the broken,
chorus that your dark and angry heart mourns.

However, maybe that's where fears belong.
Maybe you were a tool to awaken them,
to pin me to a wall, watch me rip and fall
then dismiss them and fly far from the fear
of never having another look back at me
and mirror my look of awe.

How is it one can still have compassion after such disgusting actions?

(Yin and yang. Divine balance.)

Subliminal chaos
Refusal to stray from paradox
Feeling as though I need soul cleansing detox
From all the toxicity surroundings us
Is it wrong to think it may be following us?

Hypocrisy hurts
No one is fooled
Those who care for the spirit behind ego frown
Ignorance hurts everyone but the source
Outward observation is ignored inner reflection
Bodies are aging, ego never changing
It’s the end of the world as we know it, few people “get it”
It’s time to let go

About a year ago my heart was feeling everything, truth floated to the surface. Threw everything he ever gave me in the gulf, wishing I could fling the slowly forming scar tissue with it. It’s rare he crosses my mind but there’s always going to be a part of me deep inside burning for that man… If it’s in a good way or a bad way I’m not really sure. Feeling so much this Christmas with nothing but memories founding it… It’s all part of the process I guess.

Things crumble, people change and our story is over but the essence of how this pure heart loved you is forever sovereign. There’s always an ember somewhere within the pretty little cluster **** I call myself burning red for what he could’ve been. Mama raised me to be strong enough to walk away with grace and be ok with leaving it all in the dust. Sadly, sometimes the fear within ego wins a person over.

Why is this haunting me so much lately?

You know those moments in life where your thoughts are SO LOUD? Blaring over all actions your preforming as you watch them race and bounce through your head. All the sudden I realized how badly I would give anything just to be able to see him face to face one more time... Just to spend one more night together, limbs as one and hearts beating together with our chest plates pressed tight together.

As I sit there in the shower and let the wave pass I laid down on my back and just let the water hit me wherever it pleased. Staring up at my shower, watching the water run down and the little droplets on the ceiling in such a perfect formation, life just felt so poetic down there. Everything I was feeling had imagery of perfect poetry lines scribbling down in my head mixed with the oh so fitting vision I was looking up at. It was beautiful.

You know that feeling where the whole world is spinning around you and you're kind of in the eye of the storm? At a stand still? That's where I was. Or, maybe everything around me was still and I was the one spinning. It was calm.

All I know is my heart was radiating like it hadn't in months and I genuinely felt beautiful as I hurt for everything we would never be. I saw a beauty in myself and in the connection we had... I felt it on his side to. Do y'all think that's possible? When you've loved someone to be able to "feel" each other? It's also very possible I'm insane or something.

My heart is warm and hurting right now and I was close to positive I had a point to make when I started typing this. It's 1:30 am on Christmas Eve.

Feeling strange, a bit deranged
You're stuck on me like a stain
My heart has become something you've slain

So much pain in beauty
Were you ever true to me?
Or did you just seek to blow through me, use me?
Seek revenge on me?
Despair

I did it to myself, putting you on a shelf
Only to take you down & brush off the dust when I feel I must
No trust -- only lust

Two years ago this day you had so much to say, begging me to stay. At the time I was so blind I was willing to play, allowing myself to be tamed. Back then you were on the other side of the world, now you're a mere four hours away. The thought of seeing this world without you by my side had me feeling like I wouldn't make it out of heartache alive. I cried, thought most of me had died, then I came to realize, when you love a man beyond what you can handle that beauty never dies. Once I embraced the bitter sweetness of that bite, I took flight into the night, no longer fearing a world without your light. You taught me that fairy tales aren't reality, and the low of learning that has let me find beauty beyond any white horse fantasy. I know in my core that behind those baby brown Saggitarian eyes there's adoration for me that will never die. No dime you ever find can hold it down with a love like mine, finally that's fine.

I won't call, so I can once more fall
I'll just write these words, and pretend you saw, them
I'll pretend, pretend to be zen
Even though I must harbor the thought that I may never see such a beautiful soul again

All this pain, simply from words left unsaid
Or is it just all in my head?
Just to lay in bed, feel that warmth, nuzzled head to head

Why is it the same part of this song that makes my heart re-shatter every time I hear it?
Why can't I stop playing it?
WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT?

Wheels in my head turning
Tonight, those parts of me I'm afraid to touch, they're burning
I try with all my might not to hurt because you're no longer in sight

Please me, be me, feel me, steal me.

This reality makes my heart feel abnormally prickly.
Your moral makeup is beyond ******.

Sky blue
Just a hue
I'd like to see you
Move through you
become you,
Sometimes I hate you
Where are you?

I saw you in a past life, but not tonight
Around you my soul becomes a fright,
So I take flight into the night
No destination in sight
Eventually I'll be alright
It happens during the day as well, I fight within myself,
watching you as if you're sitting on a shelf.

I should stay away from your wicked ways
I fight
tempation
to stay
away
every
single
day

How could you slight,
Me?
Your ego keeps you from,
Me.
You see so much beauty within,
Me.
I will not let you have, all of,
Me.
But what you would give, for only a second alone with,
Me.
I can feel your eyes beaming into,
Me.
You crave, you've had the taste, yet you unwillingly waste,
Me.
How narcissistic of,
Me
To think that we could just,
Be, near, here, now.

Wow.

Thought patterns slip
I thought we were something that fit
I knew I would again miss
As I slip
Down this
Seemingly
Black
And
Bottomless
Pit

Is there I ground below that I'll ever manage to hit?

I'm running running & running yet you still attract
Intuition forever exact
Yet I continue to ignore it's fact

As you put on a show, your pace painfully slow
You've become a foe as your true colors flow
Why is it so hard to admit what I already know?

Your eyes no longer hold that something I hoped to attain,
My pure intentions all expressed in vain

You're broken, my heart is open
Your touch is something I beckon
Your lack of attention is something I attempt to examine
I guess I lied, you can't be broken
Looking in from my world
Your heart is already much too frozen

Swelling rage behind this Aquarian daze
How might I articulate all the ways you've marked me
With only this
simple
blank
page

I'll just keep telling myself this is nothing but a phase

Skin warm
Lungs black
Apparent truth causing ego to react
***** your mask and the pride within which you bask
As you hide so well behind your flask

One day, it'll have to die but you'll still lie
Upon those lies, my heart continues to fry
I'll once more cry
and finally, I'll say goodbye