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Amanda Leigh Dec 2012
About a year ago my heart was feeling everything, truth floated to the surface. Threw everything he ever gave me in the gulf, wishing I could fling the slowly forming scar tissue with it. It’s rare he crosses my mind but there’s always going to be a part of me deep inside burning for that man… If it’s in a good way or a bad way I’m not really sure. Feeling so much this Christmas with nothing but memories founding it… It’s all part of the process I guess.

Things crumble, people change and our story is over but the essence of how this pure heart loved you is forever sovereign. There’s always an ember somewhere within the pretty little cluster **** I call myself burning red for what he could’ve been. Mama raised me to be strong enough to walk away with grace and be ok with leaving it all in the dust. Sadly, sometimes the fear within ego wins a person over.

Why is this haunting me so much lately?
Amanda Leigh Dec 2012
You know those moments in life where your thoughts are SO LOUD? Blaring over all actions your preforming as you watch them race and bounce through your head. All the sudden I realized how badly I would give anything just to be able to see him face to face one more time... Just to spend one more night together, limbs as one and hearts beating together with our chest plates pressed tight together.

As I sit there in the shower and let the wave pass I laid down on my back and just let the water hit me wherever it pleased. Staring up at my shower, watching the water run down and the little droplets on the ceiling in such a perfect formation, life just felt so poetic down there. Everything I was feeling had imagery of perfect poetry lines scribbling down in my head mixed with the oh so fitting vision I was looking up at. It was beautiful.

You know that feeling where the whole world is spinning around you and you're kind of in the eye of the storm? At a stand still? That's where I was. Or, maybe everything around me was still and I was the one spinning. It was calm.

All I know is my heart was radiating like it hadn't in months and I genuinely felt beautiful as I hurt for everything we would never be. I saw a beauty in myself and in the connection we had... I felt it on his side to. Do y'all think that's possible? When you've loved someone to be able to "feel" each other? It's also very possible I'm insane or something.

My heart is warm and hurting right now and I was close to positive I had a point to make when I started typing this. It's 1:30 am on Christmas Eve.
Amanda Leigh Nov 2012
Feeling strange, a bit deranged
You're stuck on me like a stain
My heart has become something you've slain

So much pain in beauty
Were you ever true to me?
Or did you just seek to blow through me, use me?
Seek revenge on me?
Despair

I did it to myself, putting you on a shelf
Only to take you down & brush off the dust when I feel I must
No trust -- only lust
Amanda Leigh Oct 2012
Two years ago this day you had so much to say, begging me to stay. At the time I was so blind I was willing to play, allowing myself to be tamed. Back then you were on the other side of the world, now you're a mere four hours away. The thought of seeing this world without you by my side had me feeling like I wouldn't make it out of heartache alive. I cried, thought most of me had died, then I came to realize, when you love a man beyond what you can handle that beauty never dies. Once I embraced the bitter sweetness of that bite, I took flight into the night, no longer fearing a world without your light. You taught me that fairy tales aren't reality, and the low of learning that has let me find beauty beyond any white horse fantasy. I know in my core that behind those baby brown Saggitarian eyes there's adoration for me that will never die. No dime you ever find can hold it down with a love like mine, finally that's fine.
Amanda Leigh Oct 2012
I won't call, so I can once more fall
I'll just write these words, and pretend you saw, them
I'll pretend, pretend to be zen
Even though I must harbor the thought that I may never see such a beautiful soul again

All this pain, simply from words left unsaid
Or is it just all in my head?
Just to lay in bed, feel that warmth, nuzzled head to head

Why is it the same part of this song that makes my heart re-shatter every time I hear it?
Why can't I stop playing it?
WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT?
Amanda Leigh Oct 2012
Wheels in my head turning
Tonight, those parts of me I'm afraid to touch, they're burning
I try with all my might not to hurt because you're no longer in sight

Please me, be me, feel me, steal me.

This reality makes my heart feel abnormally prickly.
Your moral makeup is beyond ******.
Amanda Leigh Oct 2012
Sky blue
Just a hue
I'd like to see you
Move through you
become you,
Sometimes I hate you
Where are you?

I saw you in a past life, but not tonight
Around you my soul becomes a fright,
So I take flight into the night
No destination in sight
Eventually I'll be alright
It happens during the day as well, I fight within myself,
watching you as if you're sitting on a shelf.

I should stay away from your wicked ways
I fight
tempation
to stay
away
every
single
day
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